


Battle of Mind and Body

by lightmyway



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings in Notes, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angel Wings, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Castiel & Charlie Bradbury Friendship, Dean Winchester in Denial, First Kiss, Healing, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Nearly Human Castiel, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Rutting, Self-Acceptance, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Souls, Therapy, Touching, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vaginal Sex, Walks On The Beach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2019-07-11 23:19:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 68
Words: 164,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15982616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightmyway/pseuds/lightmyway
Summary: A confession.  A car accident.  A coma.  The results of which lead Castiel and Dean on a destructive path.  Their family and friends fight to alter that path, but without knowing the truth of that fateful night, they fear their efforts will fail.  Determined to box up the pain and humiliation, Castiel falls into depression and self-harm.  In the aftermath of that night, Dean confronts his own demons.  Both the angel and the hunter struggle to repair the broken pieces of themselves.  As they try, will the dark nature of their world stay at bay long enough for them to heal or will it shatter any progress they made?





	1. Anger and Fear - Two Sides of the Same Coin

**Author's Note:**

> NOW Complete!
> 
> I don't want to give too much of the story away so I will tag specific chapters with warnings. Please read them if you have issues with certain topics.

The darkness was too much at times. Artificial light filtered in beneath the door creating gloomy shadows which intensified the dark nature of his thoughts. Alone. Lost. Abandoned. These are the thoughts that raced through his mind. He had not experienced this level of darkness since the time he was trapped in his own mind. Stuck in a perpetual replay of the worst day of his life. The day he watched Dean’s heart stop. The day the crushing weight on his chest shifted into a black cavern with no escape hatch. The accident robbed him of too many aspects of his life. It robbed him of his sight, his movement, and his love. A man who would not acknowledge that love. Refused to see that they could share a life together. Turned away from him anytime a look, a touch, a sound, crossed the invisible line Dean created to keep them apart.

In those sixty-one days of bleakness, he was trapped. Unable to move, he cried out inside his own mind. Begging for release and eventually begging for death. The voices around him drifted in and out. Sometimes intense. Sometimes quiet and pensive. At other times, there was dead silence and it was during those times he wished to die. He wished they would remove the machines that he inherently knew were breathing for him. He no longer wanted to breathe. He no longer wanted to live. He did not want to wake in a world without Dean. It was time to let go. Despite his resignation, his life continued. Eventually, the voices began to take shape and he could discern the differences. He heard the voice of his friend. She sounded distraught. It was more disconcerting than the darkness. She was the light of the world and now she seemed broken. He recognized another voice. It was deeper and more measured. Words of encouragement and support drifted into the void. Finally, a phrase triggered a memory and he knew that voice. Sam. The man who had welcomed him into his family. Sam was speaking to Charlie, telling her that hope never dies as long as you have faith. It was something that pissed him off in the early days of their friendship. A man born in faith who had that faith torn from his clinging hands was angered by a much younger being repeatedly espousing faith and hope to him. This was not how the world should have been.

He should have been the one to speak of faith and hope. He should have delivered the means for that truth to exist in the world. Instead, he was broken apart by his blind faith. It destroyed every ounce of hope he had in the rightness of his mission. Two men and one bright soul found him and gave him back a measure of hope. His faith never returned. It was severed from his body, chiseled out of existence by the abandonment of his brethren. His new family brought him home with them. Taught him to see the world in a whole new light. Gave him a new purpose, only to break him anew. He cannot blame Charlie and Sam. They tried to warn him, but in the end even they saw the damage the secret was reaping on his body and soul. A body and soul that were just developing into a whole unit. The burden of not speaking kept severing them from each other.  Each new tear was more painful, more visceral. It was Sam who finally told him he no longer had a choice. The day he told his secret destroyed the life he built. Destroyed his family. And only he was to blame.

Lying in that hospital bed, he relived the accident, but worse than that he relived the moment of rejection. The pain of those words ripped his body and soul apart. He was unsure if he even still possessed a soul because the sundering was so intense. The room around him was quiet and his mind went back to that day as it had done for all the days of his confinement.

 

The storm should have been his warning. It raged with abandon. Swept down from the sky with no warning. Winds swirled, rain pounded, lightening crackled. He could feel the unnaturalness of it and yet he didn’t heed the feeling. He shoved the thought away and got back to business. The abandoned warehouse was dark and crammed with broken machines and pallets of boxes. Their information said the place was home to a vampire hoard. Unfortunately, their information was wrong. Well not wrong but incomplete. The vampires were definitely present, but so were the demons controlling them. The fight was too much for the four of them to handle. Dean grabbed him, hauling him from the fight. Yelling the whole way for Sam and Charlie to “Get the Fuck Out Now.” They crashed into the door with one more backward glance. Neither of them saw Sam or Charlie anymore and the hoard seemed trained on them. Dean shoved him through the door. “For fuck’s sake, run already.” It was the sound of panic in his voice that finally broke through the haze and suddenly his feet pounded the pavement. Each step reverberated up his legs and into his hips. The rhythm of the movement and the sound pushed him to fight past his exhaustion. When he reached the car, he collapsed by the driver’s door. His eyes closed involuntarily. He fought to open them at the sound of approaching feet. Many feet if his hearing was correct. He forced himself back to his feet, his weapon in front of his body and opened his eyes.

The relief was instantaneous at the sight before him. Sam held Charlie in his arms, but she was awake and alert. Running at their sides was Dean. Smiling from ear to ear. It made little sense as they just got their asses handed to them. “Why are you smiling?”

“I don’t know. Could be the canisters of gas and piles of debris I lit on fire outside the building.” Dean shrugged his shoulders. “Should probably high-tail it out of here before the thing explodes.” His cheekiness rubbed off on the others and they all busted out in laughter.

The four of them piled into the car exhausted but smiling. A heavy quiet descended on the car after several minutes. No one seemed ready to approach the issue at hand. It was of course Sam who breached the silence. “How did we miss that demons were involved in this mess? There must have been signs.” Sam looked at him first, raising his eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

“I never saw any signs of it. Usually I sense their presence, but I did not feel them.” There was hesitation in his voice as his earlier thoughts returned. The storm. Charlie saw the change in his facial expression. She reached out and gripped his arm. “What is it?”

“The storm. It was abnormal. It felt wrong to me.” He looked down at his hands. His face hot with shame. “I am sorry I should have said something, but I brushed it off.” Charlie loosened her grip but refused to let go until he looked back up.

“Why did you brush it off?” Her eyes were earnest and kind when she asked the question.

He wanted to answer honestly but knew that the whole truth would not help anyone in this moment. So, he hedged a bit. “I have felt off lately. Sort of heavy. I attributed those feelings to my understanding of the storm. I am sorry. I should not let my issues hinder us.”

The expressions looking at him were varied. Sam looked at him with a knowing pity in his eyes. Charlie looked at him with empathy and recognition. Dean, however, looked at him with open anger and disappointment. It did not take long for him to voice these feelings out loud. “When are you going to learn that half of this job is instinct? You are as old as the universe and led the armies of heaven. How is it you cannot learn to do this job correctly. Charlie got hurt. We could have died and that is on you, man. Do you understand?” Dean’s green eyes found the swirling blue ones in the rearview mirror.

A coldness washed over him before he found his voice. “I understand. I am trying.” Sam took that as his opportunity to try and deflect the anger coming from his brother. “We all know that. This wasn’t your fault. None of us recognized the signs. It was a group failure.”

Sam words healed some of the hurt in his chest, but the sting of Dean’s word still clung to the corners of his mind. Part of him knew that Dean’s fear fueled the angry outburst. His fear for the one’s he loved always triggered an intense reaction. Even with that knowledge, the pain remained. He knew his face was pinched and his pulse was racing. Charlie reached out and held his hand. She whispered so only he could hear. “He yells out of love. His words are cruel but the meaning behind them is not.”

He squeezed her hand to let her know he understood the sentiment. The drive back to the motel was long and tense. No more words were spoken until it was time to unpack the car. Dean’s voice was the first to ring out. “We need to research and regroup. And I'm starving. Sam, Charlie. Why don’t you two dig up what you can on that warehouse and the company name on those products? I’ll go and get us some grub.”

The other occupant of the room was ignored completely. The door swung shut before anyone else spoke. “Well, that was rude,” mused Charlie. “What the hell is up with your brother?”

Sam shook his head. “He loses his temper when someone he loves gets hurt. Come on Charlie you know that.”

“Yeah, well. That doesn’t explain him blaming one person and then ignoring them.” She stomped her feet in frustration.

“It is all right Charlie. I deserved it and I am used to it after all these years.” The sadness in his tone was not missed by either Sam or Charlie. A fire erupted behind Charlie’s eyes but before she could speak Sam grabbed her arm and shook his head. “Not now.”

With extreme effort, she forced her words back down and opened her laptop. “Fine. Let’s see what we can find.”

While Sam and Charlie researched, he wandered outside, lost in his mind. The love he felt from Sam and Charlie eased some of the pain he faced every day, but it could not counter the pain Dean’s anger elicited. The pain of having the one you love above all else hold you in such little regard. A disappointment. A failure. That is what Dean saw when he looked at him. Yet, then there were those moments when it was just the two of them. Quiet surrounding them. Whispered words and gentle touches. “I'm glad you’re here.” “I need you.” A grip on the shoulder. Fingers on his wrist. The slide of a hand across the small of his back. It was in those moments he felt the most at peace, the most loved. It was what led him to believe that telling Dean his secret was right. Waiting was endangering them all. His lack of concentration, his sadness and confusion were getting in the way. Tonight, he promised himself.

Dean came back with the food and walked right past him without so much as a glance. The pizza tasted like cardboard in his mouth and even the sips of his favorite soda tasted dull and lifeless. Charlie and Sam filled the room with chatter over their findings. The warehouse was owned by a shell company and the company whose name was on the boxes was no longer in business. It seemed like a dead end until Charlie found the connection between the two. Both businesses shared a P.O. Box registered to Peter Sims. “Unsurprisingly, Mr. Sims found himself going from rags to riches overnight and ten years later he died brutally.” Charlie laughed bitterly. “Why do people sell their souls for money?”

Sam’s trailed his eyes across the room until he found Dean’s. A conversation took place between them in the few seconds their eyes locked together. A remembrance of what his brother had done for him and what their father had done for Dean. Charlie watched the brothers and then blanched at her own ignorance. “Sorry. I should learn to shut my mouth sometimes.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean grinned at Charlie. “Now, how long ago did this idiot die.”

“Thirty years ago.”

“So, are we thinking he is back as a demon, leading some vampires?”

They discussed the options for another hour before Dean needed out of the stifling room. “I need out of this place. I saw a bar down the road.” He grabbed his keys and his coat and headed out the door. He felt a body behind him. “What do you want?”

“I thought I would go with you, so I could drive you back if you drink too much.” He smiled tentatively. Hoping his intention would not trigger another bout of anger.

“Fine, but don't get in the way if I find someone. I might need a little company tonight.” Dean pointed his finger at him and winked.

The response was automatic. “And I am not company.” He knew it was a mistake and the dark look he received confirmed it.

“You know what I meant. Now shut up and get in.”


	2. Trapped in Shadow

Despite his earlier words, Dean did not even look at another soul in that bar. He stared into his drink or at the mirrored wall behind the bar. Occasionally, he would look at his companion. Eyes locking in the mirror or drifting down to his lips. Five beers and two shots of whiskey later, Dean dropped his hand to the bar and signaled it was time to leave.

The walk to the car was slow. Neither pushed the pace and when they were finally seated, a heavy sigh filled the quiet of the car. After several minutes, Cas started the car, the revving of the engine broke through the tension. The moment felt right, and he had promised himself that tonight was it. Mustering up his courage, he turned to Dean.

“There is something I have to tell you, and I need you to stay silent until I finish. Please don’t interrupt me.” His voice was solemn. Dean turned to him and nodded.  Castiel shifted his eyes back to the road.

“This is going to be difficult for me especially in light of today’s issues. But, I have no choice anymore. I am breaking under the stress of keeping this inside. Dean, we have shared a bond since the moment I touched you. That was never a lie. Heaven was right in their assessment of what that moment did to me. Lost is a good word for it. They were wrong however in assuming it was lost in a negative way. The road I have taken since finding you in hell has been filled with challenges, wrong moves, and unimaginable loss, but it has also been filled with kindness, friendship, family and love. I would not trade it for anything. It has led me to a place of acceptance and understanding. Even when we fight, I know that I am wanted here. I know that I am needed. I want you to know that I want to be here, that I need you, too. That with you I am home.” The sound of a voice clearing broke his stream of words. “No, please. I am not done.” He waited a second before continuing. “It goes beyond that. When we are alone, and we really talk and when you touch me, I know that what I feel for you is…it is more. It is love. I see the way you look at me sometimes. I feel you inside me. You told me tonight to trust my instincts. Well, here goes. I love you. I am in love with you and I want a relationship with you.” He turned then to look at Dean.

The face staring back at him was hard. Eyes pinched, mouth tight, jaw clenched. “No.”

One word and no other. “What? I don’t understand.” Yet, the pounding in his chest told him otherwise.

“I said no, Castiel. How could you think I would ever want that with you?” There was revulsion in his voice. “You have a dick. Fuck, you aren’t even human. Never. Do you understand?”

The pain was excruciating. He could feel his newborn soul shredding and ripping away from his body. His eyes closed, and his body convulsed. The screams next to him were distant. He could not find his way back until the movement stopped and a new pain replaced the other. He turned his head then to see Dean halfway out of the car window. Smashed onto the ground. His chest was moving faintly and then there was nothing except the weight on his chest. The car was crushed down onto him. When the paramedics arrived, he watched as they performed CPR on Dean. He lost consciousness before he was taken away.

The days after stretched on in darkness. Castiel knew he was in a coma. He knew Dean was dead and that it was his fault. He knew that he should die. He did not deserve to live. His love was toxic, and his presence brought only pain to those he loved. So, why the hell was he still alive. Voices drifted around him.  When he discerned that the voices were coming from Charlie and Sam, he was happy, until guilt rushed into his mind. He killed Dean. He took away their family. He could not forgive himself for that, so how would they be able to forgive him. It was then that he began to pray, to whom he had no idea, but he prayed for death, for his existence to be wiped away so those he loved could be free of his taint. His prayers as always went unanswered. God abandoned him long ago and his brethren despised what he had become. There was no one left to free the world of him. He was right all those years ago when he said that being brought back was a punishment not a reward. This was his punishment. Trapped in a body that was not his, but somehow had become his. Trapped in a body with minimal grace and with a new soul, broken and damaged. Trapped in a mind filled with self-hatred and guilt. Trapped in a world in which he didn’t belong and yet was the only place he felt home in his long-life. Trapped in a world in which his love was dead, and he was to blame. Trapped in darkness without the ability to move or speak.

Maybe, he thought, the punishment fit his crimes. Weeks passed in this dreary state of mind. The only times where the despair lessened was when he heard Sam and Charlie talking. They encouraged him to wake. They read to him and held his hands. They argued, which lightened his spirits even more. There was fire and passion in their voices. It meant they were still fighting, still living. He was glad for this news. They talked about jobs and the bunker. They discussed his treatment and his progress. There was none, which was no surprise to him. He felt the lack of change in his condition. They begged him to fight, to come back to them. In his heart, he knew he was partially to blame for the lack of progress. He had given up, let go, wanted to die. Part of him knew he would be trapped here forever if he didn’t fight. And by trapping himself, he was trapping them. That realization came to him on day fifty.

On day fifty-one his prayers stopped, and a mantra took over. Wake up and face your family. Wake up. Wake up. Each day he thought about what it would be like to come back to the land of the living. He thought of the things he loved about life on earth. Hot showers, warm covers, soft beds, burgers, pizza, coffee on lazy mornings. Charlie’s laugh, Sam’s intellect. Dean’s…he stopped himself each time he got to his name because following that path led him back to seeking death. Instead, he told himself to open his eyes, to speak, to reach out.

On day fifty-four, he felt his first glimmer of hope. There was a slight movement in his finger. It was distinctly different from all the other sensations in the room. Everything else was outside the scope of his body. The sounds, the smells, the touches. They were all external. This movement, this touch was internal. He felt his untouched hand shift against the rough sheet. The tingle went up his arm, stopping at his elbow. His whole demeanor shifted after that day. He shifted from telling himself to wake up, to trying to move any part of his body. His fingers, his toes, his eyelids, his mouth. It took another three days for him to feel another movement. This time it was his eyelids. There was a slight flutter and then a pressure. For a second, he thought he opened his eyes, but the darkness told him the truth. As he saddened over his failure, he heard a commotion around him. He tuned back into the room, listening. “I swear his eyelids moved and then they squeezed shut.” More rustling and then Sam said, “Charlie, you know that can be involuntary.” He felt a weight on the bed and then breath on his face. “No, Sam. This was different. He is trying to wake up. I know it. He looked peeved. Like grumpy angel Cas peeved.”

For the first time since the accident, Castiel felt a measure of joy. Charlie’s excitement, her critical description of him said in a tone of love, made him smile inside. He owed her his best efforts to wake up. On day fifty-nine, he moved his toes and his fingers again. This time Sam was the one who saw and his overabundant delight at the discovery made Charlie squeal. Exhausted from his efforts, Castiel fell into a deep sleep. Waking on day sixty-one, he knew. Today was the day. Everything felt different. He was more connected to reality. The distance was gone. The sounds and smells were stronger. Everything was more heightened. By midday, both hands flexed. Charlie begged and pleaded with him. “Come on, Cas. I know you can do it. Please keep fighting. Please wake up and look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes.” What felt like hours later, but as he would learn later was only ten minutes, he fought his way back and his eyes opened. “There you are. I knew you could do it.” Tears streamed down her face. A strong hand gripped his face and Sam came into view. “Welcome back, Cas. We missed you.” He tried to speak, but found he lacked the ability. The tube was gone so why couldn’t he talk.

Panic set in. The fear in his eyes triggered a quick response. “Hey, Cas. You have been in a coma for two months. It is going to take time for your body to function again.” Sam stepped back and a middle-aged woman with dark curly hair stepped into the vacated space.

“Hello, Castiel. I am Dr. Jameson. I’m going to ask you some questions. Blink twice if you understand me.” She waited for him to respond. It took a few seconds and a lot of effort to make that happen, but when he finally succeeded she told him he was doing wonderfully. “Okay, here we go. Blink once for yes and twice for no. Do you know your name?” One blink. “Good, do you know who this is?” She pointed at Charlie. One blink. “Good, do you know you are in the hospital?” One blink. His energy was starting to flag. It took longer each time he had to blink. “Castiel, I know you are tired but stay with me for one more question. “Do you remember what happened to you?” This blink took a long time to accomplish and then he felt himself drifting back into unconsciousness. As he faded, he heard the doctor explain that this was to be expected and that waking was only day one of the battle.

 

A vague sense of stirring plagued Castiel for several days, but he was unable to latch on long enough to wake. Charlie and Sam talked to him. Told him they were proud of him and couldn’t wait until he could come home with them. It was these words he repeated to himself daily. He still had a home. He still had a family. He did not understand how that was possible after what happened, but he accepted it. He opened his eyes fully again on day sixty-five. No one was in the room as far as he could see. He tried in vain to shift his head to get a better view but failed miserably. His throat felt dry and scratchy, so he attempted to clear it. A feeble sound escaped. The rush of air and a clatter signaled he wasn’t as alone as he first thought. Red hair tumbled into his face and a shining smile greeted him. “You trying to talk or are you just grumbling.”

He opened his mouth and a strangled sound came out. “Hey, hey. Wait. Let me get you some water before you try again.” Cool water slid down his parched throat. He repeated the action a second time and then opened his mouth. This time a whispered, garbled word left his mouth. “Hello.”

Tears burst form her eyes. “Oh, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that gravelly voice.” With a herculean effort, Castiel forced himself to lift his hand. He brushed it across her damp cheek. “Yeah, yeah. I’m crying. Been doing a lot of that lately.” His hand dropped away and his eyes clouded with tears. “No, Cas. Please don’t cry. This is a good day. I’m crying because I am so happy you came back to us.”

Castiel worked himself into a slight smile. “That’s better. That is what I want to see. A smiling happy, Cas.” A gentle hand wiped his tears away. He wanted to give her more. He screwed up his mouth and forced out another word which sounded vaguely like Charlie. “Okay, you, big flirt. I’m going to get someone in here to check you.”

A minute later, Charlie rushed back into the room followed by several people. One of which was Sam. He waited patiently at the side while the doctor and nurse administered some tests and asked more questions. This time Castiel was able to give verbal answers. He watched Sam’s smile grow each time he said another word. When the room emptied out, Sam took a seat at his side.

“Good morning, Cas. I’m glad I got to hear you speak.” He reached out his hand and Sam took it.

Forcing himself to speak, Cas said, “Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” The sincerity of his words was matched by the sincerity in his hazel eyes. The depth in those eyes always displayed an intelligence beyond his years. There was and still remains an old soul inside Sam. Cas decided to honor his friend’s wishes. “Okay,” he mumbled.

“Thanks, Cas.” Sam’s head shifted up. “Charlie, we should let him sleep and besides we have a few errands to run. Even though Castiel was exhausted, he heard the hesitation in Sam’s voice on the word errands. There was dishonesty behind that word. The responding but hesitant, “Yes, we should.”, confirmed his suspicions. There was something they were keeping from him, but before he could think about it he was asleep. When he awoke, he felt a vague sense of disquiet. No matter how he tried to seek it out, he could not find the cause. That simple process wore him out and he faded away. He did not wake until the following morning.


	3. An Unexpected Visitor

Excruciating pain followed by numbness took over his senses. Torture was the word that came to mind. Why was she doing this to him? His body was being moved in ways it protested vehemently. It cried out for reprieve and without meaning to the thought spewed from his mouth. “Please, stop. No more.”

A shining mischievous smile greeted his pleas. Her deep soulful eyes focused intently on his face. “Now, I know that isn’t true. You can take so much more than this.” The wink she gave him was downright dirty. A clearing throat broke the tension between patient and torturer.

“Pamela take it down a notch. You’re scaring the poor man.” Sam’s voice was filled with mirth. Castiel could hear Charlie snicker in the background. “Someone sent you here to care for him. I don’t think your reward is…” Pamela didn’t give him the chance to finish. “Aw, come on Sam. I’m just flirting with the man, not taking him to bed. Although…” She turned to the man lying on the bed with a lascivious look. “…who could blame me for wanting a piece of that.”

She placed her hand on Cas’ leg and gently squeezed. Her entire demeanor changed as she displayed a rare gravity. “Sam, Charlie. I need you to understand that the progress we are making is slow, but steady. When he gets all morose and shit, I brighten the room with a little levity that’s all. My eye is still always on the target. He needs out of this bed and out of this hospital. We are going to get him there.”

Charlie reached out and touched Pamela on the elbow. “We understand. Sam is just worried.”

Cas’ eyes found Sam’s, searching for an answer. When none came, he asked, “Why are you worried?” The sentence came out shaky and a bit mumbled, but it was complete. Sam’s eyes lit up then and a smile erupted on his lips.

“Wow. That was a full sentence. Haven’t heard you this chatty in years.”

He wanted to let Sam enjoy the moment, but he knew part of the happiness was a deflection from his question. Smiling back at Sam, he forced himself to speak further. “That is true but doesn’t answer my question.”

“You caught that did you? Fine. I am worried about you. About your lack of progress. Although you speaking sentences helps ease some of that worry. It’s hard to see you this weak and unable to heal.” His eyes darkened, and hints of anger crossed them. “Why aren’t you healing? Why won’t they come help you?”

Charlie rushed over and stood in front of Sam shaking her head vigorously. “Sam, no…” Cas cut off her next words. “It is all right, Charlie. Most of my abilities are gone. They have been for years and as far as the host, they will never come for me. I am less than a human to them.”

There was silence for several seconds as they each tried to find a way out of this conversation. Pamela, however, chose to forge ahead. “Then who sent me here. Sent me with my vision intact. With the sudden skills and knowledge of a physical trainer. Who sent me to help him heal?” Despite knowing the answer to her own question, she kept the information to herself. She had made a promise, that at some point she knew, she would have to break.

“Years ago, I would have said God, but since he never came when I needed him…I would now say I have no fucking clue who would want to help me.” The bitterness in his voice shocked even him. With frustration seething through him, his words were delivered forcefully with no waver. The sound of coughing brought his gaze up from his twisting hands. Three sets of eyes stared back at him in shock. Pamela grinned wide and proud. Charlie blushed as she chuckled and Sam still coughing from choking on his drink looked at him with wide eyes. “What?” asked Castiel.

“Uh, that was unexpected,” said Sam.

Tilting his head in confusion, he glared at Sam.

“I mean. We have never heard you swear before. It was quite shocking. Angel of the Lord and all.”

“Weren’t you listening Sam? I am hardly an angel anymore.” He laughed throaty and deep. It was the first true laugh since he woke up. It felt good and it loosened some of the ever-present tightness in his chest. Charlie cried as she joined in his laughter. Sam walked over and wiped the sweat off his brow. The touch felt nice, but it also felt foreign. Only one man touched his face with kindness. Dean. The thought of him drove the breath from his body. The panic immediately set in and he could not control any part of himself. He was panting and shaking. Desperately, he tried to push the memory, the thought of Dean away. Tried to shove it back into the dark corners of his mind. He could not handle even the mere mention of the man. When he finally got out of the hospital, how was he going to survive a world filled with reminders of him? Distant words reached his ears. The sound was reminiscent of his time in the coma. What if I fell back into that darkness? The thought brought new panic and the little control he regained was lost to convulsions. It took an immeasurable amount of time to come back to himself. When he opened his eyes, Sam and Charlie were huddled at his side. An oxygen mask covered his mouth. Pamela was nowhere in sight.

He pulled the mask from his mouth. “Where is she?”

“Pamela went home for the night. You have been out for a few hours.” Sam sounded defeated and looked extremely tired. “What happened Cas? You were laughing and then you couldn’t breathe.”

He thought back to the moment of panic. Dean. Just the thought of the man triggered a panic attack, but he couldn’t tell them that, so he lied. “I guess my body was not ready for laughter.”

“Liar.” Charlie stared into his eyes until he looked away from her scrutiny. “You said Dean and then you panicked. Don’t bother denying it.” Castiel shrugged his shoulders too tired to protest. “We have put off this conversation for fear of hurting you Cas, but you are hurting either way. We have to talk about the accident and what happened.” She waited for him to nod before continuing. “From what we know, you and Dean spent a few hours at the bar and then you drove. About a half-mile from the motel you lost control of the car, hitting the shoulder and some debris that was there. The car flipped. Dean was thrown partway out of the car and you were pinned inside.” Sad listless eyes looked up waiting for her to continue. “The paramedics took Dean immediately, but it took several hours to get you out of that car. And it took sixty-one days for you to wake up. Now those are all the details we know from the police report and from Dean. What we don’t know is what caused you to lose control?”

Something in her words did not make sense. He suddenly felt nauseous and jittery. His hands shook, and he expelled the words in a rush of breath. “I killed Dean.”

“No, no. Cas. Castiel listen to me. You did not kill Dean.” Charlie pleaded with him to understand.

“But I saw him die. He stopped breathing.”

Sam gripped his hands, stopping the shaking. “The paramedics restarted his heart. He is alive. Cas believe me.”

“Is he hurt?”

Sam smiled down at him. “He was, but he is all healed up now.”

“But, where is…” His voice trailed off because he knew the answer. Dean did not want to be near him.

“Cas it is not what you are thinking.” Castiel rolled over and curled into a ball. He buried his head in his hands. “Cas, please. Dean doesn’t blame you for the accident. In fact, in traditional Dean Winchester fashion, he has taken all the blame on himself. Not sure how that works when you are not the driver. But you know Dean, every burden is his to bear.”

“Then why?”

Charlie climbed up onto the bed and curled into his space. “He was here Cas. After they released him, he was here every day. He refused to leave, but then one day turned into one week and then two. It was then that he decided he was the problem. Or at least that is my interpretation. So, he left. Started working cases alone. Never too far away, but always out of reach.”

“I don’t know Charlie I still argue he couldn’t bear to watch Cas lie there lifeless. I think it broke his heart a little more each day until he had to go.” Charlie looked at Sam skeptically. “No, I mean it. It doesn’t make it right, but I think if he stayed we would have lost him.” He turned to Cas. “He calls a couple times a day. He knows you’re awake.”

“But he will not come. That is why you two were acting strange the other day.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Charlie.

“The other day I sensed dishonesty when you were talking about doing errands. The errand was Dean.”

Charlie let out a deep sigh, her cheeks blushed and then she gave him a tentative smile. “Yeah, we went to see him, to convince him to come visit. The stupid stubborn ass refused spouting some bullshit about the job and you needing time to work with Pamela.”

Sam abruptly stood up from his chair knocking it back into the wall behind him. The noise shocked Cas and he began to shake. “Sorry. I just realized something. Charlie, we never told Dean about Pamela. She hadn’t even arrived yet. How the hell did he know she was coming?”

“And how did we not catch that?” said a frustrated Charlie.

“Oh, I know why I didn’t catch it. I was too angry at him for refusing to even listen to us. This changes a few things, however. He must have arranged for Pamela to come, so who did he make a deal with this time.”

Before Sam finished that last sentence, Pamela materialized in the room. “Sam, stop. There was no deal. Truly desperate and selfless prayers sometimes bleed through the area of our individual heavens. With all the movement I did, I heard his prayers often. Passing through the voids is when they became distinct enough for me to hear actual words. I have never heard Dean sound so completely broken.” She stopped then, clearly lost to the memory.

“That still doesn’t explain how you got here.” Charlie looked at Pamela pointedly.

“I was getting to that. For some reason, I could not let it go. Each prayer became more desperate, so after weeks of this I went to see a few friends. It took the combined efforts of some very intelligent and determined people to find a solution. And oh, what a solution it was. The level of harassment we created was beautiful. It ruffled the feathers of a few angels. Despite their attempts to quell our actions, we found ways to continue the barrage. One day a tiny, lisp of an angel snuck into my heaven. There was no doubt in my mind, she was breaking protocol. With Bobby’s help, the angel found a way to justify my return to earth. The ensuing, I guess you could call it a trial, resulted in the decision that I was unfairly harmed by the machinations of the host and deserved to be healed and restored to earth. Unbeknownst to the larger assembly, our special little angel, Coriel, also provided me with my new skill set and Bobby provided me with my documentation. I was sent back to my hometown, hightailed it out of there and made my way here. It took a while to find Dean. Our visit was short. As soon as he heard my reasons for returning, he practically pushed me out the door, ordering me to the hospital.”

It was Castiel’s turn to interrupt the story. “Are you in danger for violating the decision of the court? They do not take kindly to rule-breakers. As I can surely attest.”

“Understatement of the century there Cas.” Charlie laughed uproariously at her own words.

Pamela waited for Charlie to calm down before addressing Castiel’s concern. “As far as we could tell I am not violating any rule. They sent me back without any instructions.”

“Who is we?” asked Sam.

“Before the trial, Bobby, Ash, Ellen, Coriel and I discussed this at length. We figured if no stipulations were put on my return, I could see whomever I wanted and live how I wanted. Hence, your friendly neighborhood psychic, physical therapist and task master. Coriel informed me there was little I could do for your grace, but the presence of someone recently returned from heaven would at least provide residual power from the host to help wake you up. And I am sorry Cas, but she also let me see, hear and feel what you were going through during your coma.”

Panic washed over him. She knew everything. His pain, his loss, his suicidal thoughts, the reason for the accident, his guilt and shame. She knew he gave up. A once mighty Angel of Lord quit on himself, on his family. His stream of thoughts was halted by a harsh touch and commanding voice. “Stop right now. All of that will remain private between the two of us, unless you tell me differently. Coriel only did that to help me find the right path for your healing.” Some of the tension faded from his shoulders, but then he remembered that he was the one who destroyed Pamela’s eyes. “Why would you help me after what I did?”

“One of the benefits of distance from earth is that you gain a new perspective. It became obvious to me that we all played a part and we were all manipulated in some way by God’s grand plan. And watching it all play out over the years, you bore the brunt of that manipulation. God, the angels, even the Winchesters, sorry Sam, used you for their own ends. Now don’t get me wrong that does not dissolve your culpability, but it does lend itself to some serious empathy. The fact that an angel rebelled, fell more than once I might add, fought and died for humans, and then grew a soul is more than enough for me to take your side.”

Both Charlie and Sam inhaled sharply. “So, you were right, you have a soul,” said Charlie in a reverent voice.

“I am not sure it still exists after everything that happened, but it was there.” A reassuring touch to his hand was followed with the declaration that his soul remained, damaged, but still intact.

“Are you sure?”

Pamela stared into those intense azure eyes and said, “I can see it shining.”

And just like that Castiel crumbled into sobs. Gut wrenching, breath stealing sobs. After everything Castiel went through in his long existence, this was the moment he succumbed to his emotions. He let it all out. The betrayal, the loss, the despair, the guilt, the shame and the heartbreak. Strong arms held him while he cried. Castiel felt the tears from the other man on his neck. When he finally got control of himself, he saw that there was not a dry eye in the house. “Well, that was unexpected,” he quipped.

“Unexpected, yes. But I would also say well-deserved.” Sam smiled down at him as he pulled back from the hug. “I agree,” added Charlie.

“On that note, I think our patient should get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow.” They all looked at Pamela expectantly. “The goal is to get this handsome man-angel out of this bed.”

“Seriously.” Charlie bounced up and down on the bed.

“Yes, seriously. Now off you two go. Both of you need to eat anyway.” Pamela ushered Sam and Charlie from the room. Castiel expected the psychic to follow, but she turned back to him.

“That was a lot to take in, are you doing all right?” He shrugged in response unsure of his own feelings on the matter. “Come on. If we are going to be working together for the next months I am going to need verbal responses.”

“I do not know how I feel. Shattered. Exposed. Embarrassed, which is a strange emotion for an angel. Pleased.”

“Okay, let’s start with that last one. Why are you pleased?”

He reflected on that feeling for a few seconds. “Your eyes are beautiful. Sam and Charlie’s love. I still have a soul.” His voice cracked, and new tears slid down his cheeks.

“That’s a good start. So, you like my eyes. Are you flirting with me?”

For a moment, he wished he could answer yes. That he could see himself moving on with someone new, but alas Dean’s face flooded his mind. “I wish that was the case.” Even to himself he sounded defeated.

“Ah, a green-eyed hunter came to mind. I see we’re going to have to work on not letting thoughts of him hinder your progress.”

He scoffed. “There is little chance of success with that endeavor.”

“Oh, do not doubt that I will find a way to heal all your wounds, Castiel.” She leaned down and pecked his cheek. He flushed at the tender contact. “See you tomorrow. Be ready to work that sexy ass of yours.” In a flash, she was gone and so was all the energy in the room. He fell asleep quickly and was blessed with a dreamless night.


	4. Two Steps Back

Castiel woke the next morning unable to formulate words and worse, his hands would not respond to his commands. When Sam arrived, he was struggling to grab a spoon on his breakfast tray. The level of frustration and embarrassment on his face shocked the seasoned hunter. Never in all the years he had known the angel had he shown a hint of embarrassment. Even when he was caught in a blatant lie, Cas appeared slightly sheepish but was still resolute in his choices. The realization that this once mighty figure was stuck in this bed, trapped in a body that would not respond to simple commands, disturbed Sam on a profound level. Tears stung the corners of his eyes. He quickly turned away to compose himself. He knew that if Cas saw pity in his eyes it would only compound his embarrassment. The movement captured Cas’ attention. Regrettably, this served to worsen the situation, when he went to speak, and garbled nonsense came out.

His second attempt at saying ‘Good Morning’ was little better. By the third attempt, he shortened his greeting to a facsimile of ‘hello.’

“Good morning, Cas. I see you…” Sam stumbled over how to approach his friend’s difficulty. Wanting desperately to offer help, but not wanting to offend in making the offer. “Do you…” Cas quirked his eyebrow at Sam. “At least that still works,” slipped out before Sam could shut his mouth.

Instead of exacerbating the issue, Cas actually chuckled. The ice officially broken Sam approached the tray and reached for the spoon. He waited until he saw a slight nod. As he fed Castiel, Sam discussed the current situation. “Seems like you had a setback today. You know it was unusual for your speech and movement to be that advanced already. What you are experiencing now is more common.”

Cas flopped his hand on the tray. “I…” A long pause followed as he formed the next word. “feel…” Another pause. “stra…” He broke off the word and then tried a different one. “ovv.” He knew that was not quite right, but figured it was close enough.

“This is a whole new territory for all of us, but from the research Charlie and I have done and with Pamela’s expertise we will figure this out. I assume your remaining grace sped up your immediate recovery. However, maybe we pushed to hard yesterday and left you drained.”

A quick nod and then another flop of Cas’ hand signaled his agreement. “Pammm…will…not…be…hap….pp…eee.”

“You got that right. You were supposed to be ready to get out of bed today.” Sam with mischief in his gaze smiled down at Cas. “I do not envy you.”

Another chuckle erupted from the man on the bed and it was at that moment Pamela walked in the room. “How is our patient today?” Castiel’s head dropped and his face flushed crimson. “That bad, huh?”

Sam interjected himself between Pamela and the bed. “I think we should talk outside.”

A hard slap on the tray drew their attention. Cas was vehemently shaking his head. “Ennn…nnnn….ooo.

“Okay, Cas, we'll talk here. Obviously, you can see he is struggling to speak.” Sam paused and sighed. “When I came in this morning, he couldn't pick up his spoon. He has little coordination and his grip is practically nonexistent.”

Pamela walked over to Cas and assessed the situation. She held his hands and asked him to squeeze. She asked him to say specific words and sounds. She had him move his toes, feet and legs. With each new request, Cas became more flustered and angrier. No matter the effort, he was unable to follow most of her commands. In a calm measured voice, one Sam never heard from her before, Pamela said, “Cas, I need you to understand this is not a set-back. This is a natural part of the recovery process. There will be a lot of two steps forward and one step back. And, unfortunately, there will be days in which it is no step forward and two steps back.”

Resignation crossed Cas’ face and he tentatively smiled. “O…kkk…ayy.”

“Good. Glad I could clear that up for you. Now onto today’s business. Getting you out of this damn bed.”

Sam reacted with a shocked, “What?”

Rolling her eyes, Pamela said, “Just because he is struggling today does not mean we should stop trying to move forward. Cas is strong. He is determined. He has the singular focus of an angel at his disposal. From everything I know about angels, once they set their minds on a task, a mission, it is almost impossible to dissuade them.”

Sam and Cas both huffed and then agreed with that statement.

It took some time to accomplish the task. Massage of tired muscles, gentle coaxing, harsh demands and bribery eventually did the trick. Seated in a wheelchair, exhausted and drenched in sweat, Cas smiled from ear to ear. “Re…wa..war…d.”

Charlie was the one to answer, having arrived at the tail end of the herculean effort to get Cas into the chair. “Yeah, you earned it.” She took up her position at the back of chair and wheeled Cas out of the room and down the hall. “Where to master?”

“I…I…” Cas stopped his attempts at speaking and dropped his head.

Patting his shoulder, Charlie said, “That’s okay, Cas. Let me surprise you.”

 

Time passed slowly in the hospital. A sense of drowning came over Castiel when he was alone in the room. Memories swamped his mind. Memories of his time as a soldier, memories of friends lost, memories of his time in hell, memories of torture, memories of the early years with the Winchesters, memories of rebellion and memories of his latest devastation. And then there were the memories of the doors his time on earth threw open. Fear, pain, longing, love. Once the door to his emotions opened, something heaven never allowed, what with the tampering of his memory and the brainwashing, the flood was unstoppable. Castiel was never a proper angel. Naomi was right when she said he had a crack in his chassis and now that crack was a chasm filled with swirling emotions. The torrent eased when Pamela, Sam or Charlie was present. It was the only time he felt any measure of comfort. Whenever this thought sprang to mind, the next thought was that he did not deserve comfort. It was a vicious cycle.

Pamela tried to get him to talk about his feelings, but his struggle speaking, and his fear of his own emotions stopped him. She never pushed which was a vast contrast to her efforts on the physical front. In that arena, she was a ruthless task master driving him to work harder and longer. Sam, however, was the complete opposite. He would intervene when Pamela pushed him past exhaustion, begging her to ease up. On the other front, he pushed and prodded Cas to talk. Pleaded with him to share his feelings, even offered to find him a therapist. These conversations led Castiel to shut down completely. It drove him into darkness. Pamela and Charlie recognized the danger and ushered Sam out of the room if they were there to witness it. The angel was grateful for the support and understanding. The darkness remained, however, and often festered.

The depression led to setbacks and Castiel was forced to stay in the hospital longer. It was this that finally convinced him to at least try talking.

“Cas, my darling, I know you want out of this place. The longer you bury your emotions, the longer your stay. Please let us find you some help. I promised you I would help heal all your wounds and that includes your heart and mind.” The earnest look on Pamela’s face was oozing with sincerity and devotion. It sealed the deal for Cas.

“All right, I will agree to talk to someone, but I am not ready for it to be one of you.” The sentence was shaky but not stuttered.

“Look at you, talking in complete sentences again. And I have someone in mind, she is a fellow psychic with a degree in psychology which means you won't have to hide that you’re an angel. And I want you to know that I'm proud of you for agreeing to this.”

The mere thought of the daunting task before him sent him into exhaustion. Before he knew it, his eyes were closed, and sleep approached. He faintly heard Pamela say goodbye and leave the room.

 

The next day, Pamela showed up with a tall, lithe woman at her side. A long plait of jet black hair hung down her back and deep brown eyes stared down at him. “Hello Castiel. My name is Darla. I am glad you agreed to meet with me. Pamela has told me a little about you, but I insisted we stop at the basics. I would like to learn about you through your own words. Do you have any questions for me?”

A dumbfounded expression was plastered on his face. He was not expecting Pamela to act so quickly. “Being as I was not prepared for your arrival so soon after agreeing to this, I have no questions at this time.”

Darla slid her long frame into the seat beside him and gestured for Pamela to leave. “Well, in that case let us dive right in then.   Would it be all right for me to share information from these sessions with Pamela?” Castiel agreed without even pausing to think which prompted Darla to confirm. “Are you sure?” A nod followed. “Okay. How about you tell me about the accident?”

A distinctive pause and uncomfortable silence welcomed that question. “How about this then? Tell me why you went silent at the mention of the accident.”

Castiel’s blue eyes drifted to the ceiling and his shoulders tensed. “I struggle to speak sometimes. I stutter especially when talking about difficult subjects.”

“And the accident is a difficult subject?”

This time he simply nodded. “All the more reason for you to talk about it. And I can deal with a stutter. We will take a break when you’re showing signs of frustration. Deal?”

“Fine.”

Darla smiled at him. “Not very convincing but I’ll take it,” she said while chuckling. “The accident?”

“We were driving back from a bar and I…I…lost...con…control of the car. The car flipped over. I woke up her six…sixty…one days later.”

She waited until his eyes locked on hers before saying, “You said we, so who was with you?”

A heavy sigh escaped as Castiel answered, “Dean.”

“And who is Dean to you.” Darla watched as emotions stormed across his face. So many conflicting emotions that she lost count. “That question triggered a significant response. How about a basic answer? Is he family? A friend?”

Some of the tension left his body. “He was my best friend.”

A loaded answer if she ever heard one. Darla took care as she asked, “Castiel are you aware that you used 'was' instead of 'is' when you answered.”

There was no hesitation in his answer. “Yes.” Schooling her expression, she pushed for more details. “Does that mean you believe Dean is no longer your best friend?”

“No.” The answer surprised the therapist, but before she could ask about it he continued. “Dean no longer wants to be my friend, let alone my best friend.”

“You sound very sure of yourself. Has he told you this?”

Shaking his head vigorously, he attempted to answer. “He…doesss…nnnn….ot need to. I know that is…how…heee feels.”

“I don’t understand. If he has not shared this information with you, how do you know?”

The next words were practically spat out. “Because he never came, he won’t come. He never wants to seeee…..mmmmm…” Tears streamed down his face and he froze except for the twisting of his hands in the sheet. His knuckles turned white almost immediately.

“Castiel, Castiel.” She repeated his name until he looked up. “I think we should take a break and I’ll tell you a little about myself and how this process works. How does that sound?”

He responded with a muffled, “Good.” Over the next hour, Darla interspersed discussions of herself and therapy with a few questions. The questions focused on Castiel’s life as an angel before he came to be in Jimmy Novak’s body. Through the entire process he did not stutter except for a brief mention of an angel named Naomi. He quickly shifted the subject from her and the stutter disappeared once again. Before leaving, Darla asked about his soul. They talked about the mechanics, the theory and the complications it posed. Darla left knowing the combination of grace and soul was wreaking havoc on Castiel’s recovery even if he was not willing to face that truth.

 

Castiel listened in as Darla spoke with Pamela, figuring she left the door open on purpose. “There are some definite triggers concerning the accident and Dean. Also, I believe some research is in order on the topic of angel grace and souls. You mentioned some friends of his are hunters and something about the Men of Letters. Will they be able to help with that aspect of his care?”

“Yeah, most definitely. Charlie and Sam are the perfect people for that job. She is a computer genius and he is an expert researcher with access to a whole library of supernatural lore.”

There was a lightness in Darla’s voice when she responded. “Good. If they have that handled and you have his physical recovery handled, then I can focus on his mental health.” Darla ducked her head back into Cas’ room as she finished speaking. Despite his assessment that she wanted him to hear the conversation, he looked away embarrassed for eavesdropping. “I assume you heard all of that.” He nodded without turning back. “Great. I don’t need to repeat myself. Have a good night and I will see you tomorrow afternoon.”


	5. Sweat, Tears and a New Home

Tomorrow afternoon came way to quickly for Castiel’s liking. The fact that he preferred Pamela’s form of torture to the mere thought of a visit with Darla made him anxious all morning. Pamela steered Castiel through a series of exercises as Charlie distracted him with speech patterns. The repetition of words and phrases worked for a minute period of time before it too became its own form of torture.

“Enough Charlie. If I have to say one more tongue twister, I will smite you.” It was not the first time Charlie caught a glimpse of the fierce angel beneath the kind-hearted bumbling man. Like the fool she always was, she met his pissed off countenance with snark. “Thought you didn’t have it in you to get riled up. Smitey pants.”

“Really Charlie. Smitey pants is that the best you got.” Pamela hip-checked Charlie and laughed when the feisty redhead practically fell over.

The opportunity presented itself so well and Cas could not resist the temptation. “If that little shove has you falling over, I am pretty sure I would barely have to lift my pinky finger to smite you.”

Charlie beamed at him. “There he is.” Cas tipped his head to the side in confusion. “I have been here this whole time.” Now laughter erupted from the tiny woman. “Yeah, but I’ve been waiting a long time to see that side of you again. It is usually reserved for…” Pamela swatted Charlie causing her to stop speaking. Pamela quickly filled the silence. “Enough fooling around. This is serious business. Back to work both of you.” And just like that the torture resumed. An hour later after a bland lunch, Darla arrived.

She was met with a genuine pout on her patient’s face. “You already. I believe I have been through enough today.”

“Oh, and what exactly have you been faced with today?”

The exaggerated shrug and eyeroll were comical coming from a millennial old celestial being. “How about the repeating of hideous phrases that make no discernable sense and a set of physical movements and weight-lifting that resembled medieval forms of torture.”

A deep chuckle reverberated from the lanky woman whose long dark hair was left loose and flowing. The sight was captivating, and the former Angel of the Lord watched with rapt attention, when she stopped laughing long enough to speak. “I see we are being overly dramatic today.” When no response was forthcoming, she continued. “Castiel, I would like to start off today with a series of questions about the day of the accident. Is that all right with you?”

“Yes, that is fine.”

“Where were you that day and what were you doing?”

Castiel gave a brief recount of the day. “I see. But I was hoping for a bit more detail than working a case in a storm, going to a motel and a bar. Would you elaborate please?”

With that request, Castiel delved deeper. He discussed the research into the case, his failure to recognize the nature of the storm, the danger in the warehouse, his fear for his friends, the quiet ride back to the motel. He talked of Charlie and Sam continuing their research and walking alone in the parking lot. He mentioned his time at the bar and the moment of the accident.

Darla noted the gaping holes in the story. Never once was Dean mentioned. Not even when discussing the bar or the accident. It was as if he was alone during that time. Delicately, Darla approached the topic. “You mentioned your friends. Who was with you that day?”

“Sam, his brother and Charlie,” said Cas perfunctorily.

“Would you remind me of Sam’s brother's name?” Tension immediately flashed in Castiel’s eyes. His body tightened and his jaw clenched as he answered, “Dean.”

Pushing forward, now that she at least got Castiel to acknowledge the man’s name, she posed her next question. “And wasn’t he at the bar with you.”

The angel’s blue eyes were still clouded with pain, but he nodded in response. “Why were you two at the bar together?”

At this, Castiel forcibly shifted on the bed wincing in pain. “Why does that matter?” His tone was measured but tinged with anger.

“I'm trying to figure out a timeline of events. It will help me to understand your situation better and will hopefully help with a treatment plan.” Darla placed her hand on the bed near Castiel’s hand. “I know this is difficult, but it is something we must discuss.”

A heavy sigh greeted her last words. “If we must, then, I was there to be the designated driver. From Dean’s demeanor at the hotel I assumed he would overindulge. Hence, I invited myself along.”

“Were you worried about Dean’s reaction at your insistent to go with him?”

“No. He was already angry with me, so I assumed it would not matter.” His expression closed off and his face was devoid of emotion.

Darla waited several seconds to see if the expression would change, when it remained firm she asked, “Castiel, what just happened?”

Tilting his head in confusion, he asked, “What do you mean? I simply answered your question.”

“That's not true. Everything about you screamed with emotion and then it was all gone. A mask fell over your face. What triggered that reaction?”

Irritation flared under his skin, but he pictured Charlie and Sam and their desire for him to heal so he reflected on the cause. “I was wrong in my assumption. It mattered.”

“What exactly mattered?”

Castiel looked up at the ceiling, counting the tiles to calm his racing heart. “His anger. I should not have gone with him. I should have left him alone. If I had…” His voice faded away and his eyes closed. Darla watched as tears fell from the corners of his eyes. “He is better off without me.”

The psychic ignored the last statement and went back to the unfinished thought. There was something significant the angel was burying. “If you had left him alone, what would have been different?”

Harsh words erupted from his mouth, “We would not have been in an accident.” In a whispered voice, he added, “And we may still be friends.”

“So, you feel the accident ended your friendship.”

Once again the mask fell over his face. Before he even answered, Darla knew it would be a lie. “Of course, it was the accident. I was driving and he was injured.”

She pressed him on the issue despite knowing he was in danger of shutting down for good. “Let me clarify. Dean is no longer your friend because he blames you for being injured.”

A flicker of emotion returned to Castiel’s face and he sputtered, “Ah…no…um.” Swallowing, he tried to compose himself, but his stutter had returned. “That…isss…not what I…I...meant. He…I…”

Reaching out Darla gently touched the back of his hand. “Castiel look at me.” It took a moment for him to turn his head, but the blue eyes that greeted her were flush with emotion. “I need you to take a few deep breaths. Okay?” He nodded and breathed deeply. “Good. Now let it out slowly.” Once he was visibly calm and his breathing was regulated she asked, “What part of that made you upset?”

“I did not want you to think he was the kind of person who would abandon a friendship because he was injured.”

Confusion showed on her face. “All right, then I don't understand because you said it was the accident.”

Panic flared in Castiel’s body, he was not ready to address this topic. Every time that conversation crossed his mind, awake or in dreams, he felt broken all over again. He struggled to find a way out of the hole he had dug. As his mind raged, his body remained frozen.

A gentle voice broke through his racing thoughts. “It’s okay. We can address that further later.” The tension in his body relaxed minutely. “I think I would like to talk about some other topics anyway. Tell me about your friendship with Sam.”   For the remainder of the session, the angel talked about his time with Sam and his gratefulness for Sam’s support. When the tall woman left the room, Castiel heaved a sigh of relief. He was discovering that talking was more exhausting than physical therapy.

His mind flitted to a memory of Dean and his aversion to so called chick-flick moments. All his memories of Dean, be they good or bad, brought him pain now. Forcing the thoughts and the pain away, he rolled over and stared at the window. Barely seeing the blue of the sky and the beauty of the earth he loved so deeply. A new wave of sadness crashed over him as he realized another one of his loves was lost to him.

 

Each day brought more of these struggles and it was decided despite his lack of progress it was best to discharge him from the hospital. The decision was not made lightly. With Darla pushing for him to stay and Sam waffling, it was Charlie and Pamela’s insistence that finally got him released.

As if mocking him, a storm raged on the day of his release. An unnatural storm that electrified the air and flooded all their minds with memories about that fateful day. All signs of his pleasant mood vanished in the wake of those depressing thoughts. It made the car ride awkward and painfully silent. Thankfully, the mood did not linger once they arrived at the house.

The angel’s eyes lit up at the two-story cottage home with a wrap-around porch. Sam turned to face him. “Welcome home Cas.” Tears came unbidden to the deep blue eyes as Charlie pulled him into a hug. Those three words filled him with more comfort than he could ever imagine. He had a home, he had a family and he was still Cas. His deep voice cracked and mumbled, “Thank you.”

Fresh tears came to his eyes as he rolled his wheelchair up the obviously brand-new ramp into the house. They proudly showed him around their new home. His room was large, bright and had an attached bathroom. His happiness grew when he realized Charlie’s room was across the hall. Sam and Pamela each had a room on the second floor. Cas stopped abruptly when they entered the kitchen enthralled by the view. A set of French doors and a series of side windows led to a picturesque backyard. Complete with a pond, dotted with benches, dappled with flowers, but it was the boxes at the back that floored the angel. He looked at his friends in wonder. “Bee hives?”

The joy on his face was reflected in the faces of his family. “Yeah, Cas. Bee hives,” Sam said kindly. Affection flooded through Cas’ body. “Thank you, Sam.” The tall hunter shook his head. “Don’t thank me that was all Charlie.”

The tiny red-head was practically bursting with excitement. “Thank you, Charlie. Would you be willing to show me them later?”

“Of course, Cas. What are besties for if not to share in the joy of bees?” There was humor in her voice, but the death grip on his hand more completely demonstrated her emotions.

 

Everything felt cheerful as he settled into his new home, but then the night came and with it came the darkness. It was a fight to sleep, a fight that left him tangled in the sheets. Sleep finally came when his body was forced into stillness. The dreams invaded in a mass of shadow and heat. Undefined yet laced with fear and isolation. The fog slowly lifted only to reveal a hell-scape of blood, flames and shattered bodies. Dean’s soul laid bare and broken. His body licked by flame and soaked in blood. Castiel towering over him powerless. Forced to watch as Dean writhed and screamed for mercy. His sounds of agony interrupted by a ghastly voice. “Do you see the revolting creature? The result of your vile, unwanted love.” The angel tried to look away, but the voice returned. “No, Castiel. This is your penance. See, hear, feel.” Pain flared through his body and he saw himself laid beside Dean. The hunter’s every movement, every sound echoed by the angel. Tied down. Trapped. Cas woke on a silent yell. Unable to move his arms and legs, the angel began to scream and sob. Twisting and turning on the bed. His body arched and then he felt stabbing pain as he crashed to the floor.

 

The door slammed open and Charlie ran to his side. Mere seconds later Sam crashed into the room. Pamela hot on his heels. Charlie tried to hug the angel as she whispered, “Oh, Cas.” She was met with flailing arms and fear-filled milky blue eyes.

Sam rushed to Charlie’s aid. “Here let me.” The hunter slipped his arms around Castiel and held tightly until the angel calmed. While Sam held their friend, Charlie graciously changed the sweat-dampened sheets. It was then that Pamela spoke. “Okay handsome. Let’s get you back in bed.” Between the two of them, they managed to move Cas to the bed.

“What can we do for you?” Charlie looked at him with pleading eyes. Castiel had no idea how to answer. He did not know himself anymore. How could he possibly know what he needed? His voice came out weak and shaky as he said, “I do not know.” _I am pathetic. Broken. I should tell them to go find someone who deserves their care. Alone. That is what I deserve._ No matter the voice in his head, Cas could not bring himself to ask them to leave. Instead, when he opened his eyes, he found himself clinging to Charlie’s tiny hand begging her to stay.

Charlie smiled tentatively. “Of course, I will stay.” And just like that he felt a small body curl up next to him still holding his hand. He mumbled out a broken thank you as he shut his eyes. He heard Sam and Pamela quietly exit the room. A few hours later he woke in a panic once again but the presence of the warm body at his side calmed him quickly. Charlie’s hushed voice whispering, “Shh, I'm here Cas. It’s okay,” soothed the last of his frayed nerves and he fell back asleep. Not waking until streaks of sunlight filled the room.

The smell of frying bacon and coffee assaulted his senses. For the first time since he woke from the coma, Cas found himself hungry and craving food. The angel tried to lift himself from the bed, but his strength failed him. Each effort weaker than the last. As the feeling of defeat crept in, Pamela opened the door. “Good morning, hot stuff. Are you ready to eat?”

“Yes, I am. However my pathetic excuse for a human body refuses to cooperate with my commands.” The sentence was forceful and exacting. Castiel watched as Pamela’s mouth fell open at the same moment the blankets were tossed aside. “Holy shit!” said Charlie as she vaulted upright. “Holy shit is right,” agreed Pamela. Cas frowned at the two women. “There is nothing holy about this issue.”

Charlie chuckled as she shook her head. “Our little angel always so literal.” Said angel huffed, “I am not little.” This statement had Charlie and Pamela bursting with laughter which caused Cas to scowl. When the women’s laughter subsided, Pamela said, “Cas, did you notice anything special about your speech this morning?”

At first, Cas grew more irritated with the tenor of the question. Trying to brush aside that feeling, he focused on the words. A tiny smile curled the corners of his mouth eliciting shining grins from his friends. He was unsure as he thought the word 'friend' but something felt right with the statement. This time he clung to the positive thought and shoved away the worry. Once he did that his own smile grew. “I believe I was promised food.”

“Well, if you want food you have to get your ass out of that bed,” said Pamela as she slid the wheelchair closer. “Come on big boy, use those muscles.” This time the angel’s scowl was downright scary. “I am not a boy. I was here when this earth was created. I witnessed when the first creature crawled from the sea.” Castiel took a breath ready to continue his recitation when he was interrupted by an animated red-head bouncing on the bed.

“Um. Wow. I am so glad I got to see that in person. Just wow. You really nail the whole, ‘I am a warrior of God and I will smite you’ look. Scary as shit but so awesome.”

Cas’ expression softened. “Charlie, believe me that was not my 'I will smite' you look. That was mild irritation at Pamela's colloquialism.” Pamela covered her mouth to contain her laugh and Charlie added, “Whatever you call it, it was still…” She waved her arms around as if that explained it.

“Charlie I do not know what this…” And the angel proceeded to swing his arms around mimicking Charlie’s movements, “means.”

“Okay, while you ponder what that means let’s get you in this chair and into the kitchen,” said Pamela. She reached behind Cas to help him sit and then slid his legs from the bed. “The rest is up to you.” Cas raised his eyebrows skeptically. “I know you can do this. There is still some of that angel strength in you. Find it. Use it.” At the confidence in her voice, Cas dug deep inside seeking any touch of his grace. A flare and a slight tingle. Pulling at the tendril, the angel used his arms to lift himself from the bed and into the chair. The effort exhausted him and his grace retreated, but it was still there. The thought pleased and aggravated him at the same time.

Watching the warring expressions, Charlie encouraged, “Small miracles Cas.” He nodded and began to wheel himself to the kitchen. As he rounded the corner, the site pleased him deeply. Sam, apron on, danced around the room as he plated the food. The happiness on his face brought tears to the angel’s eyes. It was an expression he had not seen on the hunter’s face nearly enough over the years. Of course, the tears could not, at least once, go unnoticed. No, of course not. Suddenly, Castiel found himself staring into the eyes of two concerned women. “What’s the matter, handsome?”

“Nothing, Pamela. I was…happy.” A squeeze to his hands where they gripped the chair demonstrated her understanding. Attention was shifted to Sam as he said, “About time. Morning Cas.”

“Good morning, Sam. It smells wonderful.”

The four friends sat and enjoyed the food and the company. Sam marveled at the uncommon improvement in Castiel’s speech. “I was actually expecting the other possibility. After the fall out of bed and your nightmare, I was worried there would be setbacks.”

 

A routine was established over the next several weeks. Castiel worked with Pamela twice a day on strength and endurance. Darla visited three times a week for therapy sessions. Sam and Charlie took Cas on outings to the library and the movie theater. Their attempts to take him elsewhere proved problematic. The angel did not react well in loud, crowded places. The local mall and grocery store triggered panic attacks. After that, Cas made the decision to stick to the two places he felt comfortable. The silence of the library soothed him. During movies, he was able to lose himself in the story.

Learning of his struggles to leave the house, Darla wanted desperately to help the angel ease his panic attacks. It became the focus of numerous sessions. On a warm sunny day, they sat on the porch sipping iced tea when Darla confronted the problem head-on.

“What do you feel was the issue with the other places?” she asked.

He tried not to tense at the subject but once again his body betrayed him. Dejected, he stared down at his feet. “It felt like the air was too thin. There was pressure all around me. People, noise, bright lights. All I could think was ‘not safe, get out.’ It reminded me of heaven.”

Refusing to look at his therapist, he missed her reaction. Confused, Darla pushed for clarification. “Castiel, would you tell me what happened in heaven that made you feel unsafe?”

Swallowing harshly, Cas finally lifted his head. He stared off in the distance as he spoke. The tone was flat, lifeless. “Heaven was a place of discipline. One must obey orders. I tried to follow, but I failed. Torture, behavior modification. I do not know how many times I suffered these punishments, this retraining, over my long existence. Hundreds, thousands. I think I do not want to know the answer. The place I thought was home was in all actuality a prison. The constant hum of angel voices, the stark white surroundings. There was no joy, no comfort. It was not a place of family and love. I found that…” Lost in thought, the angel stopped speaking and dropped his head into his hands.

“Where did you find that place?”

“I found it here on earth. In the people who called me…” His voice shook and the stutter returned. “Fam…family, broth…er.” He paused, took a deep breath and composed himself. Finally making eye contact, he said, “Sam and Charlie are my family now. Even Bobby welcomed me into the fold before he died.”

A significant name was missing from that list, Darla noted. It was always difficult to speak of Dean because Cas’ reactions were unpredictable. Panic, sadness, anger, fear. Despite this, Darla knew Castiel would never heal without confronting his relationship with Dean. It is why she asked, “Why is Dean not on your list?” This time the sadness was palpable.

“He is not my family anymore. I drove him away. Any connection we had is severed.” Tears welled in his eyes. “He deserves to be happy and I only bring him pain.”

Darla stomped her foot on the floor. “That is simply not true. I will not allow you to ignore all you did for that man. You saved him. You protected him. You healed him. You rebelled for him. You were there when he called. When he needed you. Do not down play the role you have in his life.”

Angry the angel interrupted, “you mean ‘had in his life'.”

In all her years as a therapist, she had never raised her voice to a patient, but she could not contain her frustration. “Castiel, no! No matter what has driven you apart, it does not negate your years together. It will forever influence the both of you.” Self-deprecation radiated from his every pore. “Please do not tear yourself down. Dean is as much to blame as you.”

“How do you know that?”

Heaving a sigh, Darla responded, “Because when in a relationship of any kind, both people are responsible for it.” This seemed to calm the situation and the session continued with less tension.

 

It was later that night when the sadness and anger resurfaced. Dreams of Dean filled his sleep. He awoke several times, sweaty and shaking. The dreams started with the quiet moments of friendship. These moments were shattered by reality. Cruel words, disappointment, fury, fighting and abandonment. Each ended as Castiel was broken by the disgust in Dean’s voice while the hunter beat him to near death. Calling him names the entire time. Faggot, monster, cocksucker, freak. Cas would beg for his friend to stop using words that once came from Dean’s own mouth. “We’re family. I need you.” The pleas went ignored and Cas woke to the feel of fists. He forced himself to remain silent so he would not wake Charlie. He rolled to the driest spot on the bed and waited for morning.


	6. A Broken Sleep

The morning dawned as Castiel tossed and turned. Despite the early hour, Charlie entered the room. His exhaustion did not go unnoticed nor did the sweat soaked sheet. “Cas, please don’t suffer alone. We're here to support you.”

“You need your sleep, Charlie.” She shook her head at him and said sadly, “Not at the expense of your health.” After changing the sheets, they quietly went to the kitchen hoping to not wake the rest of the house.

When Sam arrived in the kitchen twenty minutes later, Charlie told him of the state in which she found Cas. The tall man hunched his shoulders. “What was it this time?”

Cas feigned ignorance and shrugged his shoulders.

“You know what I am asking. What was your dream about?”

Knowing Sam would not drop the subject, Cas lied. “Naomi. Being strapped to that chair.” Unfortunately, his stilted answer was not satisfactory.

Sam raised his eyebrows. “Want to try that again.”

“No.”

“Cas, was it the accident? You need to talk about this.”

Pushing himself back from the table, Castiel wheeled himself out of the kitchen and down the hall. The slamming door echoed through the house. The angel heard his friend’s voice. “I am not giving up Cas. No matter how many times you storm out of the room. We are here for the long haul.”

 

The next week went much the same. Sleepless nights, torturous physical therapy, intrusive counseling and a continuous hum of activity. All that changed on Saturday night, Castiel went to bed early after a particularly rough therapy session. Exhausted he crawled into bed with notions of sleeping through the night. He sank into sleep quickly, all thoughts banished from his tired mind. It was several hours later when he was dragged from sleep by raised voices. Sliding out from the covers, he pulled himself into his wheelchair and went in search of the noise. The conversation slowly came into focus. “What the hell? I don’t understand how you can keep doing this. He needs you here.” Sam was practically screaming his frustration. His words were cut off as Cas heard Charlie’s sympathetic voice, “I know this is hard for you. I know you don’t want to see him like this. But, he is not progressing as fast as he should be. We all agree that something is blocking his recovery. Please, just hear us out.”

His breath was expelled from his body as he doubled over in pain when the person responded. “So, you’re all blaming me for this. Even that psychic who has never met me thinks I am to blame. I am not responsible for this. I am not responsible for him.” The deep voice dripped with anger. Cas called out to him in a strained whisper, “Dean.” When he attempted to speak louder, he stopped abruptly. A litany of awful thoughts slammed into his mind. _Dean doesn’t want me. He hates me. Dean is no longer my friend. I lost him._ As the words continued unbidden, he vaguely heard the conversation continue.

“How the hell can you say that? He is your best friend. He is our family. You taught me to you never abandon family.” Sam sounded distraught as he pleaded. “Please, Dean. We need your help.”

A loud crash shook Castiel out of his depressive thoughts. “No, no fucking way am I helping. Especially not him.” The sound of several chairs scraping across the floor was followed with a choked off sob. “Dean, what happened that night? What happened to make you hate him this much? At least tell us that.” Castiel caught a glimpse of Charlie crying, clinging to Dean as she pleaded with him.

“We are not talking about this. All I came to ask Sam was when you're coming home and you ambushed me with this shit again. Enough of this. I am done. With these interrogations. With him.”

The venom in Dean’s once tender voice broke something anew deep inside the angel. His body convulsed with the shock and he was flipped from his chair. A sickening head smacking sound reverberated in the hallway. Cas heard movement of several feet. The sound from each step drilled into his head. There was a crash somewhere behind him, but he could not pinpoint where. Muffled voices flitted around him as he felt strong hands hold him down. One voice broke through the confusion. “What is wrong with him?” It sounded wounded.

A voice directly over his head that said, “Really, Dean. What do you think we've been talking about all this time?”

Cas heard faltering steps retreating as Dean’s voice faded. “I didn’t know. I have to…” A door slammed and then all was quiet until Pamela said, “What the hell just happened?”

Sam’s angry voice said, “Well let’s see. My asshole of a brother showed up here trying to get me to go back to the bunker. He got pissed off when we tried to explain Cas’ condition and asked him to stay and help. Then we heard a crash and found Cas on the floor.”

“Yeah, and then your brother ran out of here like a fucking coward.” Castiel had never heard such ire from the quirky red-head. In a softer voice she said, “I just don’t understand it. Dean is anything but a coward and he has forgiven Cas from some pretty awful things in the past. So, what changed?”

Pamela interjected, “Until we figure that out, I don’t think our handsome angel is going to get better. If Dean won’t talk we need to get it from Castiel.”

Castiel felt his body settle and his breathing regulate. His eyes opened to the concerned faces of his little family. “Cas, you’re back,” said Sam. “Do you think we can get you back in your chair?” A slight nod from Cas and then his body was lifted gently back into the wheelchair.

“Thirsty.” His voice sounded wrecked.

“Okay, Cas. Let’s get you to the kitchen.”

The group allowed the angel to drink without interruption until he set the cup back on the table. The clink of the cup elicited a flood of questions. Castiel ignored their inquiries, closed his eyes and drew into himself. Slowly, the noise around him abated easing the pain in his chest. When he opened his eyes, only Charlie remained. “Cas, we just want to help.”

“I know, but there is nothing you can do.” He tried to sound firm, but his voice quaked on every word.

Charlie’s eyes glazed over with sorrow. “If you would let us…will you at least tell me why you were out of bed?” Cas sluggishly nodded. “I heard voices.” Charlie reached out and grabbed his hand. “What did you hear?”

“Uh…nothing just voices.”

The red-head looked to the ceiling and huffed. “You are a terrible liar. I know you heard us.” She leaned into his space, lowered her head to catch his eye and added, “All of us.” His body immediately tensed and his grip on her hands tightened until Charlie cried out.

“Sorry. I am sorry. Sometimes I forget I can still access a few of my angelic powers.” They maintained eye contact until Cas’ nerves overwhelmed him and he blurted, “Dean. I heard Dean.” Pain shot through his chest, his fists clenched and his breath caught.

“Hey, hey. Cas stay with me. You’re okay. I got you. Just breathe for me.”

Forcing himself to follow his friend’s advice, Cas slowly relaxed. His body slackened and his breathing eased. “Thank you, Charlie.” His voice was tender as he ducked his head bashfully. The small woman knelt in front of him, placed her hands on his cheeks and forced him to look at her. “I don’t need you to thank me. What I need is for you to talk to me? Let me help.” Then her thin arms slid around his neck as she climbed into the chair to sit on his lap. The hug lasted longer than Castiel ever experienced in the past. Tears leaked from both their eyes. “You are my best friend Cas. I know we haven’t known each other as long as you have known the brothers, but we…You and I…we found something missing in our lives when we became friends. At least that is what I thought.”

Cas ran his hands through her hair. “Yes, Charlie. Your friendship is important to me and it is special. I love you. You are my family.”

“Then for the love of God…ignore that…for the love of family tell me what happened tonight.”

A heaviness came over the room. The weight seemed unbearable, but the angel knew he must fight against it. If not for himself, then for Charlie. He scanned the room, finding the little touches of his family throughout the room. Sam’s large handled mug, Charlie’s sweet cereal, Pamela’s whiskey. The vase of flowers Darla left on the table. The jars of honey painstakingly collected by Charlie. The corner table covered in Sam’s research. The collection of healthy cookbooks acquired by Pamela. Their dedication to his recovery was evident throughout this room and throughout the entire house. At the very minimum, he owed them an explanation.

“Okay, but even though you are wisp of a thing, you are getting heavy.” Charlie scrambled off his lap and took a seat on the closest high-backed chair. “Better,” she said.

“Yes.” Cas forced a smile. “When I went to bed tonight, I was extremely exhausted. I hoped I would sleep through the night, but it was not to be. I woke to raised voices and forced myself to get out of bed. At first, I did not hear what was being said. As I wheeled closer, I picked up some of the conversation. Sam was yelling and then you interrupted. You were talking about my progress. It sounded as if you were trying to convince someone to help. And that someone clearly does not want to help. I tried to leave and when I turned I fell out of the chair. That is all.”

Charlie glared at the angel and then softened her expression when she spoke. “I know that is not all. You did not turn your chair. It was facing the kitchen door. You had a seizure and that is why you fell out of the chair.” Cowed by the truth of her statement, Cas nodded his agreement. “Good, I am glad you will at least admit that. Now, what caused the seizure? Was it Dean?”

“I…I…Charlie please. I cannot…” His eyes pleaded with her for reprieve.

“No, Cas. We need talk about him. You need to say his name. Ignoring him is not helping you.”

Castiel slumped in defeat. “Fine. I heard Dean’s voice.” The name was said through clenched teeth. “I heard what he said and decided to return to my room. When I tried to turn, I felt a pain in my chest which prevented my movement.   In the next moment I was on the floor and my head was slamming into it. Then I felt arms and hands holding me still.”

“So, what I am hearing in your carefully selected words is that Dean’s words caused you enough pain to trigger a seizure.” The angel faltered. A celestial being created at the dawn of time actually spluttered as he tried to deny the truth of her statement. “No. Uh. No…that is not…no I did not…Charlie that is not what I said.”

Emphatically, Charlie said, “Yes, it is.”

Conceding the point by not responding Castiel proceeded to change the subject. “Charlie I am very tired will you help me get back to bed.”

“Of course, Cas. Thank you for talking about tonight.” The angel tipped his head forward in a weary nod as if his head was too heavy to lift back up. Once standing, Charlie made her way to the back of the wheelchair and maneuvered Cas out of the kitchen. She assisted him in moving onto the bed and tucked the covers around him. “Would you like me to stay?” The whispered ‘yes’ was barely audible. Nonetheless, Charlie heard the desperation in that simple response and quickly crawled in the bed. She tucked herself up behind her friend and rested her hand on his shoulder. They both succumbed to sleep within minutes.

When the new day dawned the make-shift family assembled in the kitchen. Over breakfast, decisions were made for the next round of therapy. With the support of Darla, they all agreed to no longer avoid the elephant in the room. Dean was a subject they must address. Castiel wanted to argue, wanted to hide, wanted to run. The realization that none of those options were viable crushed him and he folded.


	7. A Broken Man

The sight in the hallway hit him in shockwaves. First there was anger. Then fear. Quickly followed by shame. It was the guilt that forced him to stumble from the house. Still facing the door and spying the awful sight, he missed the top step and fell, cracking his knee and hip on the bottom step. Ignoring the pain, he leapt to his feet and rushed to the Impala. Slamming the door, he spun the tires as he made a hasty retreat out of the driveway. He kept his foot firmly planted on the gas pedal as he turned onto the road and made for the highway. There was no goal in mind. No place he needed to go. There was only the overwhelming desire to run. To outrun the terror and the pain of what he witnessed.

Hours later he found himself entering Sioux Falls. The decision to drive there was unconscious. When he saw the city sign, he slowed, pulling off at the first bar. No way was he going to Jody’s. There would be too many questions. Faces filled with judgement. It seemed every where he turned the people in his life found him lacking at best or detestable at worst. The thought brought Sam’s words hurtling back into his mind. Then he heard Charlie’s pleas. Tears stung his eyes. Before he surrendered to the sadness, he rushed from the car and into the bar. Drowning his feelings in alcohol was just what he needed.

The first and second beer went down easily but failed to erase the images, the words. After several shots of whiskey his mind clouded. The tightness in his chest remained so he pounded a few more beers, added some shots of tequila. By then he was good and drunk so the bartender cut him off. Having seen him with the sheriff in the past, he picked up the phone and called the woman. The entire phone call Dean pleaded with him to stop. “Don’t call Jody. Just leave it man. I’m fine. Come on stop. Dammit. I don’t need a babysitter.” When the phone call ended, Dean said, “Asshole,” before dropping his head onto the bar. And that is precisely how Sheriff Jody Mills and her unofficially adopted daughter, Claire, found the hunter.

Dragging his ass off the stool and out the door took considerable effort. Dean protested the entire way. “I don’t need a mother. Leave me here. You are not my fucking mother.” When that didn’t work he turned to Claire. “Hey Claire, help a guy out. Tell her.  'm good on my own.” The slur worsened with each sentence until he finally gave up with a sloppy. “You guysss sssuck.”

The drive to Jody’s took about fifteen minutes and by the end Dean was nauseous and ready to hurl. He flung himself from the car, crashing to the ground, vomiting the whole way. He ended up laying in his own filth. “Yeah, you don’t need any help at all,” The young blond said sarcastically.

“Claire let’s get the idiot into the house.” The sheriff stood at the front of the car with her hands on her hips.

“Come on Jody, really? He is covered in puke. I don’t want to touch that.”

The commanding pose of the older woman left no room for argument. With one stern look, Claire reached down and helped Dean kneel. Jody joined her in lifting him to his feet. They fumbled their way into the house, down the hall, depositing the hunter in the bathroom. “Let’s just shove him in the bathtub and drown him in cold water.” Claire looked downright joyful at her own suggestion.

Jody chuckled and then surprisingly agreed. “It is what he deserves for his language.”

“You mean it’s what he deserves for acting like a total asshole.” Claire smiled cheekily at Jody.

“Yeah, Yeah. Watch your language young lady.” The sheriff raised her eyebrow at Claire and the younger girl nodded. “All right then, let’s dump his ass in the tub.”

It was at that moment Dean found his voice again. “You know I am still here. I can hear you.”

This time Jody outright laughed. “I would hope so.”

“Hey, that’s not very nice,” whined Dean. Jody and Claire stared down at the man covered in vomit with torn clothing, red-rimmed eyes, and scraped up hands. The spectacle before them made them sigh in unison. “Okay, Dean. We need to get you cleaned up and into bed,” said Jody sadly.

With herculean effort, the two women lifted the over six-foot tall, muscular hunter into the tub. They washed away the vomit with warm water and then dowsed him with a blast of cold water. Dean bolted upright and started to shiver. “Fuck that’s cold.” Catching Jody’s eye, Dean mouthed sorry. Claire took that conciliation as the opportunity to demand some answers. “What were you thinking old man? Why were you even here? Last I heard you were going to see Sam and you weren’t planning on coming here until the end of the week.”

Dean ducked his head. “Not now Claire. I'm drunk, I stink and I am exhausted.”

“Fine, but we are talking about this tomorrow.” The blond left in a huff, hair swinging out behind her.

Looking up at the sheriff, Dean said, “Well, she’s pissed at me. What about you?”

Jody with evident frustration responded, “I’m not exactly happy with you right now. And I agree with the hot-head. We need to know what’s going on with you.” She paused before glaring at the hunter. “Just for the record, I will be pissed if we don’t get some answers.”

Mumbling Dean said, “You can join the club then.”

“What was that?”

The green-eyed man shook his head. “Nothin’.” He was saved by the arrival of Claire, arms filled with a stack of clothes. “Went through your bag and found you some clean clothes.

“Thanks Claire. You guys can go. I can dress myself.”

Dean struggled out of his sopping wet clothes, mumbling to himself about his own stupidity. _Why the hell did I drive to Sioux Falls of all places? Shouldn’t got so wasted at a bar? Motel would’ve been better. I let Claire see me like this. Fucking idiot._ After several rounds of self-denigration, Dean was finally dressed. He lingered in the bathroom, not yet ready to meet the steely gazes of the two women. What he did not expect when he finally mustered the courage to open the door was to find not two but three women glaring at him. “Uh. Hi Alex. Long time no see.”

“Wow.” The young dark-haired women said as she inspected the hunter. “You weren’t lying Claire. He does look like shit.” Claire and Jody both nodded in agreement.

“All right. Enough out of the peanut galley already. I've already heard it from these two.” Dean gestured at the sheriff and the smirking young woman. “No need to pile on Alex.”

Alex gave him the once over again and said, “Hard not to join in when you make it so easy. Did you drink the whole bar?” Dean shook his head and slumped against the door frame. With all their eyes trained on him, he began to feel twitchy and the need to run consumed him. Jody must have sensed the change in his demeanor because she suddenly ushered the girls away as she said, “Dean, let’s get you to bed.” Too tired to argue, the hunter dutifully followed her down the hall. “We set you up on the couch. And I expect you to be here in the morning. You hear me.”

“Okay, Jody. Thanks for all this.” He waved his arms, gesturing to himself and the couch.

His friend left with a soft pat and a squeeze to his shoulder. “You’re welcome. Good night.”

 

The bright sunshine streamed in the front window, slashing across Dean’s sleeping face. Squinting, he led out a muttered, “Fuck.” His head pounded and the room spun with the slightest shift. Each attempt to avoid the blinding light resulted in more pain. “Well, this stinks.” As he moved again, he caught a whiff of himself and muttered, “So do you.” Sitting up, he found an audience watching him. “Mornin’ Jody.”

“Since you pointed it out, why don’t you shower before we eat? Can’t say I want to smell the mixture of whiskey, vomit and sweat while I eat.” Jody kept her eyes trained on Dean as he forced himself to stand. They remained on the hunter as he sloughed down the hall. “Jody, I think you can stop watching now. I made it all on my own,” said Dean with frustration and a hint of mirth. The answering, “I’ll get breakfast going,” and the sight of his duffle bag on the bathroom floor made him smile faintly. The shower felt fantastic on his aching muscles and pounding head. He remained under the steady stream until the water ran cold.

Dressed in soft ripped jeans and a black t-shirt, Dean emerged from the bathroom. Following the smell of coffee, he made his way to the kitchen. The women were all seated at the small round table. “Help yourself. There’s bacon and eggs on the stove.” Three sets of eyes took in his every movement as he dished up his plate.

“Why are you all staring? What is it?” Dean asked in an aggravated tone.

Claire huffed. “Well, let’s see. One, you are an idiot. Two, you are a liar. Three, you…” Jody interrupted Claire’s list. “We get it Claire. Before we pass judgement, maybe we should hear the man out.” The young blonde glared but nodded. Jody then asked, “All right Dean how about you tell us why you're here and why you drank your weight in whiskey last night?”

“I was on a case. Finished it and decided to reward myself. End of story.”

“Really, that's your story?” asked Claire incredulously. “Before you continue with that line of bullshit, you might want to know Jody talked to Sam this morning.” The three women watched as Dean blanched. He dropped his head to the table, momentarily forgetting his headache. “Aw, shit, that hurt,” the hunter said as he slowly lifted his head. “You win. There was no case. I visited Sam and then headed here.”

Jody went to ask for clarification, but Claire stopped her. “Jody, let me please.” Looking at her adopted daughter, Jody smiled sadly. “Of course, Claire. You deserve answers.” The younger woman thanked the sheriff and then addressed Dean. “Why did you leave Sam and Cas’ house to come here? And why didn’t you call us to let us know you were coming?”

“I left Sam’s,” Dean emphasized his brother’s name, “because we covered everything I went there to say. When I left there, I had no destination in mind. That is why I didn’t call.”

Claire’s eyes clouded over with pain. “You know Cas lives there too. Why do you insist on ignoring that fact? I don’t understand you. He is your family and you just left him.” Dean shifted his gaze to the small window. “Claire, I did not just leave him. He has Sam, Charlie and Pamela. He's in good hands. Besides someone still needs to hunt. Just because Cas is hurt doesn't mean we can ignore the monsters out there.”

The sheriff watched as Claire crumbled further with each of Dean’s words. “You know Dean that is utter bullshit. Castiel is your best friend. He needs you. Whatever the hell happened between you two needs to be forgotten. Stow your crap and go be there for your family.”

“Don’t. It’s not like I am the only one.” Dean stared down Claire as he spoke. “You are avoiding seeing him.”

Claire glowered at him. “At first, maybe, but not anymore. It was hard to see him like that. Stuck in that bed. Trapped. I know I ran away, but Jody helped me see I needed to face it. Cas and I talk on the phone. Sometimes we text.”

“That isn’t the same as visiting him,” said Dean.

“Well, I do that too. I was there two weeks ago.” With her answer, Dean blanched again. Claire pounced on his discomfort. “So no using me as a scapegoat. What are you afraid of?”

The hunter stood and walked to the window, staring into the morning sunshine. “I am not afraid of anything. There is no need for me to be there. It’s as simple as that.”

Jody sighed heavily. “You keep telling yourself that, but you know it isn’t true.” The sheriff stood up and crossed the room to stand at his side. “Dean, you are hurting the people you love, but you're hurting yourself as well.”

Having kept quiet through the entire discussion, Alex took that moment to speak. “There were times I didn't want to face this world. I wanted to bury my head and simply forget the dangers. I ignored the signs around me and I ended up putting myself and the people I care about in danger.” She paused for several seconds, waiting until the hunter turned to face her. “Dean, running was never an option for you. So, ask yourself why it is now.”

Instead of answering, he hung is head and left the room. The front door slammed as he stormed out of the house. His body twitched at the thunderous noise. Part of him wanted to turn around and apologize to Jody and the girls, but the other part seethed with anger. His issues with the angel were none of their business. No one seemed to understand that this subject was closed. Between Sam’s vitriol and Charlie’s pleading, he faced enough scrutiny. When you add in Pamela’s constant attempts to update him on the patient’s condition, the pressure was simply too much. And now three new voices have added to the barrage. _Why can’t they leave me alone? Why can’t they respect my privacy?_ Dean’s thoughts raced as he sat behind the Impala. _Baby, it appears you are the only friend I have left._

“You know that’s not true Dean. I am your friend.” Jody slid down next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

Dean chuckled. “I guess I said that out loud.” The woman at his side laughed heartily. “Among other things. We’re not trying to invade your privacy. We’re just worried about you. About all of you. Sam and Charlie are struggling. And Cas.”

“Jody don’t please. I know. I was there. I saw enough.” This seemed to shock the sheriff and she lashed out. “If that’s true, then how can you leave them? How can you abandon him? Alex told you to ask yourself why you ran, while you’re at it, ask yourself would he abandon you?”

Dropping his forehead onto his knees, the hunter shuddered. “That isn’t fair Jody. You and I both know the answer to that question. It doesn’t change anything.” Dean felt her body shift and before she could speak, he added, “Jody, staying by my side has been his downfall. It’s best if I stay away.”

“Best for who? Best for you? Because it's certainly not best for Castiel. He misses you. He needs you. More than any other person in his long existence, you are the one he is connected to the most.” The sheriff stood then, looked down at Dean and said, “Just think about what you are doing and make sure you can live with the consequences of your decision. Because right now, I believe those consequences are going to be unbearable.”

Not bothering to lift his head, Dean simply nodded. After several minutes, he leaned his head against the car and wiped the tears from his face. “It’s too late now,” he whispered to the emptiness surrounding him. “I already broke it beyond repair,” he intoned as fresh tears fell.”


	8. Pain Cuts Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rough one.

Several days after the seizure, Cas sat alone in the backyard. He had shifted himself from the wheelchair onto one of the benches. He listened to the buzzing of the hives and the birds in the trees. It was in these moments he could almost forget the nightmare that had become his life. These peaceful times were fleeting and when his world came back in focus, it devastated him even more. Desperately clinging to these snippets of happiness, Castiel tried to be what Sam and Charlie wanted. He wanted to live up to Pamela’s goals and follow Darla’s advice, but most of the time he failed miserably.

He was still stuck in the wheelchair. His speech still slurred at times. His mind trailed off into space and he was lost to the world around him. Panic attacks occurred frequently. His dreams remained terror-filled. He woke screaming and sweating most nights. As these thoughts raged across his mind, the peace of the garden disappeared and despair took its place. Cas knew there was a solution to his depression, to his lack of healing. He just didn’t know if he was brave enough to use it.

Waking in the hospital, one of his first thoughts was about his soul. When Pamela told him it still existed, he was overcome with emotion. The angel was proud to possess a soul. Proud that the path he took after meeting the Winchesters led him to be worthy of such a wonderous gift. Now, however, it was that very gift that was destroying him. Cas constantly felt the steady ache and the stabbing pain consuming his soul. The solution was simple. Remove the soul and angel grace will take over. His wounds would heal. He could use his grace to subdue his emotions. And he could return to his former role, standing at the Winchesters’ side, ready and willing to offer aide. It was a role he cherished to this day. It was how he found his new family.

Giving up his soul was something he would never have considered. It represented the love he had for his family and his dedication to humanity. It was a singular achievement for an angel whose kin considered broken and defective. He thought of the numerous times he was reprogrammed, and figured this would fall into the same category. Removing his soul would be just another attempt to fix a malfunctioning angel.

The decision made he lifted himself back into his wheelchair and headed to the house. It was relatively quiet as Charlie and Sam were out shopping. To give him some privacy, Pamela had retreated to her room. Castiel called out, letting her know he was back.

He heard her voice drift down the stairs. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m good. I am going to take a shower and then a nap,” he yelled.

“Okay, let me know if you need any help.”

“I will.”

Castiel slipped into the bathroom, started the shower and proceeded to remove his shirt. He was well-prepared to carry out his solution. The knife and lighter were hidden in the back of the cabinet. Once he had all the items laid out before him, he stared at his reflection. The bone-weary eyes looking back at him were filled with sadness and terror. He was not afraid of the pain, but of the excruciating loss of something he held so dear.

The first slice was tentative, barely grazing the skin. The next clipped his bottom rib. He clenched his shaking hands and took several deep breaths in an attempt to settle his nerves. When his breathing evened out, he cut himself for the third time. This cut was more severe, pushing deep into the muscle. He pressed harder and cried out in pain. Stifling the sound by biting his lip, he continued to cut. When he felt the incision was deep enough, he stuck his hand into the gaping wound. Shoving his fist upwards into the chest cavity, he sought the tiny broken soul. The pain overwhelmed him and he could no longer silence himself. Lost in this haze of pain, he did not hear the pounding on the door or the eventual breaking of wood. Instead, he continued to seek out his soul until large hands gripped him.

Cas was pulled from his chair and placed on the ground. A swirling storm of activity surrounded him. He could vaguely hear voices and at one point thought he heard Sam call for an ambulance. As he drifted in and out of consciousness, he saw brief flashes of Charlie and Pamela with tears streaming down their faces. He was roused finally by the sound of sirens. “No, no hospitals. Please don’t make me go.” His words triggered more tears from the women. Unable to compose themselves, they looked to Sam. The hunter looked at his friend with compassion. “We have no choice. You’re bleeding pretty bad.”

“Sam, I need to finish. Let me finish.” He heard sobs as he watched Sam shatter. “Oh, Cas. No. We're going to get you help.” At the onslaught of despair in the eyes of his family, Castiel caved. He closed his eyes and nodded. “Of course, Sam.”

The familiar phrase uttered with a different name brought tears to Cas’ eyes. Memories of saying those very words to Dean slammed into his mind. He pictured the hunter in vivid detail. Each memory perfectly preserved in the mind of an angel. He reached out to those images of Dean. He cried out for him. Pleading with him to come back. To be his friend again. To forgive him. His mind drifted and he lost the link to his memories. Dean slid out of his mind and nothingness replaced him.

When he awoke in the hospital, he could hear quiet sobs. He turned his head seeking the source. When his eyes landed on red-hair, he called out to Charlie.

“Cas.” Her voice was weak and strained. “Hi, stranger.”

“Hello Charlie.”

Sam entered the room and almost spilled his coffee as he heard the gruff voice from the bed. “You’re awake.”

Cas smiled weakly. “Yes, Sam. I am awake. How are you?”

“I think we’re supposed to be asking you that question.” Sam sat down in a chair on the left side of the bed. Cas attempted another smile. “I suppose you are correct as I am the one in the hospital bed.” Sam chuckled slightly and Cas continued, “I’m alright. Although it appears my plan didn't work.”

The hitch of breath on his right side caught his attention. When he looked to Charlie, he saw her covering her mouth with her hands, tears streaming down her face. She appeared to be saying ‘no’ through her covered mouth as she shook her head. Confused by her distress, Castiel asked, “What is the matter Charlie?”

“What's the matter?” she wailed. “What is the matter? The matter is you tried to kill yourself and now you’re talking about it like…as if you failed to lock the door or turn off the oven.”

The angel shook his head. “I do not understand your point and I was not trying to kill myself.”

“Um, Cas. You sliced yourself open and then reached into the wound. What exactly were you trying to do if you weren’t trying to commit suicide?” Sam asked in disbelief.

“I was simply trying to remove my soul.” Castiel’s statement was delivered matter-of-factly as if that explained it all.

Sam and Charlie spared a glance at each other before Charlie said, “And why were you trying to remove your soul.  Is that even possible?” The angel shifted his gaze to the ceiling and contemplated her question. His gritty voice broke the silence. “If I remove my soul, I believe my grace will recharge enough to heal me. I will stop being a burden and can be of use to all of you once again. As for your last question, I believe it is possible or I would not have tried it.”

“Either way, all you ended up doing is practically killing yourself.” Sam sounded defeated as he finished that statement. “Cas, I was terrified when I walked in the bathroom. There was blood everywhere and your eyes were vacant. If you hadn’t moved, I would have thought you were dead. I don’t ever want to go through that again.”

At these words, Castiel realized the impact of his decision. When he made that choice, he did not spare time to think of the other potential consequences of his actions. An overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame swept over his body and he shuddered. “Sam, Charlie,” he choked out on a sob. “I am so sorry. I was not thinking clearly. The only thing on my mind was removing this ache inside me. I just wanted to find a way to be…better. If I were an angel again, I would have been able to regulate my emotions more sufficiently.”

Charlie closed her eyes letting fresh tears slide down her cheeks. “Cas, you know I love you, right?” The angel nodded. “Okay, well then I feel confident in saying you are a dumbass. We understand you are struggling right now, but removing your humanity is not as simple as removing your soul. The moment you rebelled for Dean, you began the process of becoming human. Whether you have angel grace or not, whether you have a soul or not, you my friend will always and forever be both angel and human. You are an angel by nature and a human by nurture. No changing that, buddy.”

A long pause followed Charlie’s recitation as Castiel pondered her wise words. There really was no going back. His love for humanity and for those he called family and friend would never waver. At the heart of his being, he knew this. “I know, but at times the pain is almost unbearable.”

“What pain?” Sam implored quietly.

“I wish that was an easy answer, but alas it is not. I feel tremendous pain when any of you are hurt, especially when I am unable to heal you. There is pain when I think of those I harmed. Pain over the loss of my angelic family. Of course, there was and is physical pain as well. But the pain I feel most viscerally is the rendering of a bond I held so dear. The bond which began it all. Without it I am lost. My brethren thought I was lost when I raised the righteous man from perdition. They were unequivocally wrong. I was found that day, only now am I lost because our friendship is no longer.” A deep sadness engulfed the room. Castiel laid his head against the pillow, closed his eyes, and cried.

A touch of a hand disturbed Cas and he opened his eyes to see a serious expression on Sam’s face. “That is simply not true. Dean will come to his senses. He has never been good at keeping his distance from you. Missing you…loving you is engrained in his soul”

“Please don’t use that word Sam. For I am afraid any love he held for me was consumed by rage the night of the accident.” A voice near the door called out bullshit. Everyone turned to see the new visitor. “Claire, you should not be here?”

“And I repeat, bullshit.” The young woman stomped further into the room. “You are seriously pissing me off with all this.” She waved her arms at the room, lingering on all the lines hooked up to Cas. “Why do you insist on not taking care of yourself?”

Sheepishly, the angel began, “Claire, I…” But that is as far as he got.

“No, Cas-ti-el. I will not listen to any excuses or apologies. You will listen to me. Got it?” Cas’ response was a quick, “Yes.”

Claire nodded. “Good. Whatever this is, it needs to stop. You don’t have to follow in Dean’s footsteps on everything. You can learn to take better care of yourself.” The young woman leaned over the bed and found Cas’ eyes. Blue eyes locked on each other. “You are both stubborn idiots, but I need you both. We all do.”

The sound of movement in the hall caught everyone’s attention. The unmistakable noise of a scuffle filled the room. Two distinct female voices delivered similar pleas. “You can’t just stand in the hall skulking,” said Jody in her motherly tone. That was followed by Pamela’s exasperated, “Get your ass in the room. This hiding thing is getting ridiculous.” Jody agreed, “You wouldn’t be standing here eavesdropping if you didn’t want to go in there.”

A hushed voice said, “Keep it down. I don’t want them to hear.” Despite the whisper, it was obvious to everyone in the room that the third person was Dean. “Too late,” Charlie yelled from the room. A muffled, “shit,” filtered into the room. When no one spoke as if waiting on baited breath for a decision, Castiel decided to intervene. “Dean,” Cas said his voice deep and gravelly. “You do not have to come in if you are uncomfortable. Do as you wish?”

A disgruntled huff came at his left side. Cas glared at Sam delivering a silent message. That glare traversed the room begging them all to remain silent. The four people in the hospital room steadfastly waited for the decision from Dean.   The whispered conversation in the hall carried on for several minutes. Finally, Pamela ducked inside the door. “I think we should clear the room.”

Sam and Charlie both stood to protest. “Is that a good idea?” said the fiery red-head.

“I have no idea, but I’m not sure we have a choice.” Pamela’s sad response mollified Charlie. “Fine but I reserve the right to say, ‘I told you so’ when this goes south.” Slowly, the room cleared. Each person hugging Castiel before exiting.

The angel sat in silence for what seemed an eternity, but then Dean was there. Striding through the door, all swagger, if you did not know him. The angel, however, knew him inside and out. Every ounce of Dean, besides the confident walk, screamed uncertainty and reticence. Attempting to break the disquiet, Castiel said, “Hello Dean.” The angel watched as the familiar greeting made the hunter flinch.

“Uh, hi.” Dean walked up to the closest chair and pulled it away from the bed. Leaning on the back, he said, “How are you?”

Unsure of how to answer, Cas hedged a soft, “Fine.”

“Well, you don’t look fine. In fact, you look like hammered crap.”

The familiar words drew a chuckle from the angel. “Yes, I seem to achieve that quite often.” Cas studied the hunter as he shook his head and slumped his shoulders. When Dean spoke, his voice cracked. After clearing his throat, he asked, “Why?”

Perplexed again, Castiel stared at his one-time friend. “Dean. What exactly do you wish to know?”

“Fuck. A lot of things. Why did you crash the car? Why didn’t you wake up for over sixty fucking days? Why can’t you heal yourself? Why did you have a seizure when I was at the house? Was it my fault? Why the hell did you cut yourself open? Why do you insist on dying all the damn time?” The questions streamed out without a pause. Dean heaved a deep breath at the end of the litany.

Hoping Dean would look at him, Cas waited. The hunter kept his focus on the chair so the angel relented. “Is that all?”

“It’s a damn good place to start.” Dean lifted his head and looked toward the window. He slid around the chair and sat down heavily. “I would like some answers.”

Castiel followed Dean’s gaze and stared out the window. “Of course.” He turned back to the hunter. “You know the answer to your first question so I will skip that one. As far as the coma, my grace is diminished so the damage sustained by my body went unhealed. I believe it needed time to recover, hence the coma. I continue to struggle due to the conflict inside of me. The seizures are the result of this struggle as well as the head injury I sustained in the crash. You had nothing to do with it. And it is none of your business why I cut myself. As for your last question, I was not trying to die.”

At the finality of the last word, Dean lifted his head and stared at the angel. “You do realize it doesn’t matter if you weren’t trying to die. You almost did. So, what the hell was that about?”

Anger flared inside of Castiel. “I told you that is none of your business.”

“Of course, it’s my fucking business. You are my family.” Green eyes latched onto Cas’ tear-filled blue ones. The angel spoke brokenly. The stutter returning for the first time in days. “How…c..ccc…an you say that to mmm…eee? I ha…have not seen you since I…I…wo…www…woke up from my coma. Please go.”

The hunter jumped up from the chair and turned as if to fulfill the request. To Cas’ surprise, Dean approached the bed instead. “Cas.” Having not heard his name spoken by the person he held most dear for nearly four months, the utterance shattered the angel’s resolve. Sobs wracked his body as Dean stood helplessly at his side. It was only as Castiel regained some composure that the hunter spoke. “I am sorry. So sorry.” Dean crashed back into the chair and sat down. “I knew I did this to you. I knew it was me.”

Cas could not bring himself to argue, so they sat there in silence. A devastated angel and a brooding man trapped by their innate sense of self-deprecation. Time passed slowly, interrupted solely by the breathing of two tortured souls. Dean cracked first, breaking the tension with the one question the angel least wanted to hear. “Why did you tell me?”

The anguish Cas felt in that moment overwhelmed him. He curled into himself, dropping his chin to his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around his body. “I had no choice. Now please go.”

“No, that would be too easy. I am tired of running. Come on, Cas, we have to talk.”

Looking up, the angel found Dean staring at him with fear in his eyes. “I am not sure you want to hear what I have to say. Besides, you have already said enough for the both of us.”

Dean’s head snapped back as if he was punched. “I…Fuck, Cas. Come on. That’s not fair.”

“Really, that is what is unfair in this situation.” The righteous indignation of that statement faded and Cas whispered, “What do you want from me, Dean?”

The angel watched as several emotions crossed Dean’s face. It finally settled into a bitter mask. “You know what screw you Cas. I don’t want anything from you.” As the hunter stomped from the room, Castiel said defeated, “That’s what I thought.” Then as before his body seized. The monitors started beeping and a mad rush of people entered his room.


	9. A Sliver of Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this one it practically wrote itself.

Several hours after his latest seizure, Cas woke to the whispered sounds of Darla and Sam. “You keep telling me he’s improving, but…look at him. He practically gutted himself and these seizures…what the hell triggers them? There is no rhyme or reason to any of this.”

Darla’s calm soothing voice responded, “Sam, I know this is difficult to understand, but Castiel is healing. It may not be visible to the naked eye but it is happening. There are signs. His stutter is rare. His legs are stronger. If we hadn’t had this setback I believe he would have been walking this week.”

The room fell silent and then Sam huffed, “Okay I accept that. Pamela said essentially the same thing last week. But, Darla your area is his mental health and this. What I found in that bathroom is the furthest thing from stability. It scared the ever-living shit out of me.”

Not wanting to hear Darla’s response, Cas chose to speak. “Sam.”

“Cas! You’re awake. You really need to stop doing this to us.”

“I’m sorry Sam.” His friend’s face fell at his words.

“That’s not…You don’t need to apologize. Do you think you can tell us what happened?”

“Uh…I think I would like to talk to Darla alone. Sorry Sam.”

“I said there is no need to apologize. I’ll just go find Charlie and Claire.” Sam smiled one last time before tipping his head, exiting the room.

Castiel stayed silent for several minutes while Darla sat patiently at his side. “You know I have existed for a long time. I wish it would give me insight into my current situation. I thought removing my tiny broken soul would fix what’s broken, but I was wrong. What’s broken goes beyond that soul. It runs deeper than that. I loved him as an angel. I loved him as a human. I love him as this human-angel hybrid I appear to be. No amount of compartmentalizing or cutting will change that eternal fact. He can berate me. He can abandon me. Yet it remains. It resides not only in that sliver of soul but also in my angelic grace. He resides in my shattered mind and my broken heart. There is no recourse, no escape. I am bound by that love. Imprisoned and lost. How does one go on from that?”

The heavy sigh at his side drew his gaze. His clouded blue eyes stared into the soul of the woman seated at his side. The angel in him knew she wanted to help. The human in him felt her pity. It took several seconds and a few deep breaths before Darla spoke. “You know Castiel what you are experiencing is part of the human condition. And before you protest I understand that there are additional issues as you are an angel. But, the essentials are there. Unrequited love, heartache, fear, loneliness, remorse. I think we all face these in our lives. So yes, there is a way past this. There is the potential for a future despite your current pain. We will get there as long as you are willing to work. Willing to share. Willing to fight.”

“I don’t know if I have any fight left in me.”

Darla smiled shyly. “Well then for now you must let Sam, Charlie, Pamela and I do the fighting for you. Although if we’re going to do that, we need you to be honest about what you are feeling and why.”

The angel looked away then. “As an angel our feelings were muted. We did not speak of them and if we did we were reprogrammed. I am not sure I am capable of sharing it all.”

“It will be a work in progress. For starters, I have some homework for you.”

 

That homework had to wait until Castiel was released from the hospital and physically capable. One evening, two weeks later, found the angel alone in his room. Curled up in bed with a laptop at his side. Over the sound of the video playing he heard the door open. “Hey Cas…oh shit…sorry…I’ll just go.” Flushed red, Sam attempted to duck out of the room, but Castiel halted him.

“Wait Sam. I was wondering if you could answer a question for me.”

Sam’s eyebrows shot upward as he sputtered, “Uh. About porn.”

Cas shook his head. “No. This is some of the homework Darla gave me. She wants me to find what interests me sexually and work on learning my body.”

“Okay, and how do you feel about that.” The unmistakable sounds of an orgasm emanated from the laptop. “And maybe you could turn that off.

“Oh yes sorry.” Castiel smiled sheepishly. “I don’t know how to feel about anything right now. I have experienced sexual contact. I guess it was nice, but isn’t it supposed to be fulfilling and intense.” The angel watched the hunter view him with curiosity and concern. “I do not want to make you uncomfortable, Sam. I just have no basis for understanding this human experience.”

“It’s okay Cas. I’m not uncomfortable, just unsure how to help you. Sex can be fulfilling, exciting, and mind-blowing, but it can also be awkward, unsatisfying and shameful.” Sam paused, taking a deep breath before looking directly at the angel. “For me, sex is more fulfilling when shared with someone I love.”

“And you have been in love and the person loved you in return.” Cas attempted to make a statement but his inflection was more questioning.

Sam tilted his head in thought and then smiled. “Yes. I have experienced that twice in my life and despite the outcomes I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

The angel felt a tightness in his chest and his breathing became ragged. Images of a green-eyed man and a dark-haired woman slammed into his mind. Images of those two gorgeous humans in bed together. Fighting the onslaught, Castiel forced himself to resume the conversation. “Dean found love as well.”

Heaving a sigh, Sam’s eyes filled with pity. “Cas, as much as Dean denies it he wants love and a family. What he had with Lisa was good, but it wasn’t an all-encompassing love. He hasn’t found it, which explains the steady stream of one-night stands to scratch the itch.” Without his consent, the angel’s body shivered at the mention of Dean’s many conquests. “I’m sorry Cas. I know how hard it is for you to see Dean with…” Sam’s voiced faded and he looked away.

“With women, Sam. You can say it. I know that the man I love beyond reason has sexual intercourse with countless women. What confuses me…” The angel dropped his gaze and twisted his hands in the sheet. “Darla wants me to understand my pleasure, my needs, but I think I already inherently know what that is. I feel more in the slight touch of Dean’s hand than I did while orgasming with another. I could go through the motions and seek physical release, but that is all it would be. I would be left with sadness and shame. So, you see this whole process seems foolish.”

The hunter shook his head. “No, Cas it’s not. Learning about yourself is always a positive thing. Darla wants you to be comfortable in your own body. She wants you to accept who you are as you are. Maybe discovering your desires will help you step outside yourself. Maybe it will help you move forward. Once you’re more comfortable with your sexuality you could start dating.”

“Sam.” The angel’s tone was biting and commanding.

“I mean it Cas. You deserve the chance to find someone.”

“I already found someone. The love I have for your brother is eternal. The bond is unbreakable. Whatever I would share with another person would be tainted by that reality. It would be unfair to date someone knowing my mind, body and soul belong to another.” Castiel watched his friend fight back tears. It was not the first time his words brought Sam to tears. Lately it seemed the angel brought nothing but misery to those around him. Clinging to the shards of his penchant to serve the Winchesters, Cas tried to ease the tension in the room. “You know this idea of Darla’s is not all bad. There is pleasure to be found with one’s own hand.”

Shock flooded Sam’s face as his mouth fell open and words slipped out. “Jesus Cas.”

“What? Is this one of those topics I am to keep to myself?”

Sam chuckled, “You know what Cas. That is the first time I’ve seen you smile in days. So, it’s fine by me. But I wouldn’t mention that in front of Charlie.”

Footfalls preceded, “What shouldn’t you mention in front of me?” Charlie’s smile was magnetic and mischievous. When no one spoke she said, “Well?”

Dropping his head onto his pillow, Castiel smirked. “It involves parts of the male anatomy…” The feisty red head cut him off. “No need to explain further. I’m good.”

The room fell silent for several seconds until Sam huffed out a laugh. Castiel and Charlie soon followed. And that is how Pamela found them, huddled on Cas’ bed with tears in their eyes. “Are you guys losing it?” A bright smile radiated across her face and she climbed into bed with the rest of them. “This is cozy. Ever had a slumber party Angel.”

Something inside him brightened and unconsciously he reached out. His family leaned into his space. The hug was fierce yet comforting. “No but I think I would like that.” As they disentangled themselves, Cas turned to Sam and said, “Does this mean I should stop watching the pornographic video?”  The psychic burst into laughter and Charlie socked him in the arm.

“Wow our little angel is growing into a real boy,” snickered Pamela.

Incensed Charlie glared at Pamela. “You are NOT helping.”

“Charlie. Don’t be mad please.” The angel’s voice was timid and his eyes were wide.

“Oh, Cas I was just kidding. We’re besties. All of us.”

A tentative smile tugged at Cas’ lips. “That’s good.”

“Now are we doing this slumber party thing or what?” Charlie’s exuberance healed the shift in his mood and once again Castiel found himself smiling.

The four friends proceeded to do just that. Movies, snacks, laughter and cuddles filled the night. Castiel could scant remember a time in which he felt so secure, so loved.


	10. A Man Faces Himself

After cowering in the bathroom forcing himself not to vomit, Dean stumbled out of the hospital. Unsure of how he got there, Dean found himself standing by the Impala. He dropped his head to the hood, pounding it repeatedly onto the cool metal. The touch of a hand halted his movements. “Leave me alone.”

“No, Goddammit I will not leave you alone. What the fuck Dean?”

Turning to face the angry glare of a very pissed off Claire, Dean said, “I’m sure whatever you have to say won’t be as bad as what I am telling myself.”

Claire shook her head vehemently. “Yeah, if that were the case your ass would be in that hospital. Not out here feeling sorry for yourself.” When no response came, Claire continued, “And by the way while you were doing that your friend was having another seizure.”

Dean’s face turned ashen and his fists clenched. “Is he all right?”

“Don’t know because I came to find your sorry ass. Now come back inside and we can find out together.” Claire turned and started walking toward the hospital.

Unable to make his feet respond, Dean remained rooted to the ground. His body shook as he remembered the sight of Castiel covered in tubes. That memory triggered others. Castiel convulsing on the floor, head repeatedly hitting the ground. The look of devastation right before the car crash. His friend dissolving in a lake. Black sludge oozing from the angel’s mouth. Cas pleading for understanding as Dean turned away. The plea broken and distraught.

“How is that your answer? He always came when you needed him most and now he needs you. And what are you…who are you because this is not the Dean Winchester I know.” As she went to speak again, a firm grip on her shoulder halted her words.

“Claire, Castiel is waking up. Why don’t you go back inside?”

Pamela watched Claire head toward the hospital entrance before rounding on the hunter. “You know the last place I ever thought I would be is standing here reprimanding you while defending the angel who took my eyes. Strange world we live in.” The psychic shook her head with a rye smile on her face. “Whatever happened between you and our angel is destroying him. We all keep telling ourselves lies. _He’s getting better. He’ll be walking in no time. His grace is regenerating._ It’s all bullshit. That man up in that room hooked up to machines was convinced if he removed his soul he could be of service to you again. That somehow that act would convince you to allow him back into your life. Not as your family or even your friend. He gutted himself so he could be in your life in whatever miniscule way you would allow. So, no he’s not getting better.”

While she spoke, Dean slumped against the car. Eventually his legs would no longer hold him up and his body crashed to the ground. He barely felt his knees hit the pavement. Each word from Pamela’s mouth tore into his chest. Staring up at her with desperation, he said, “If that's the truth then why would any of you want me near him.”

“Fuck you Dean Winchester. Did you listen to a single word I said? Not having you in his life is killing him. His soul is broken and without you I am not sure it will ever be healed.”

Dean shook his head trying to wrap his head around her confusing words. “What are you talking about? Cas is an angel. He doesn’t have a soul.”

“Oh shit.” The psychic’s fury drained away. “Please forget I said that.”

“Which part, Pam? That Cas somehow has a soul or that his soul is broken. Because from where I’m standing neither of those things is something I am bound to forget.” Dean glared as he pushed himself from the ground. “Now please explain how an angel has a soul.”

“Dean you don’t understand...” The hunter cut her off. “I know I don’t fucking understand. That's why I need you to explain.”

Tipping her head to face the sky, Pamela sighed heavily. “It's not my place to tell you. I already betrayed his trust by revealing what I did. Which by the way is the last thing he needs? If he finds out it will set him back. You can’t tell him you know.”

“Okay. Okay. I won’t tell anyone, but in exchange I need you to tell me what’s going on.” There was a gravity in his voice that shook them both.

“Dean.” The psychic said weighty and distraught. “I hear how you feel for him in every word you say. Why are you running?”

“Pamela, no. You don’t get to do that. Answer the fucking question.”

With hooded eyes, the dark-haired woman succumbed. “Cas as you know is unique and always has been. He never fit in heaven. He struggled to fit as a human. And now he is stuck between worlds. No longer an angel, but not human either. The dichotomy of his two halves is ruining him. His strength to fight has waned. For years he nurtured his developing soul. It was his greatest concern when he awoke from his coma. He was terrified it had been destroyed. There was such relief when I told him it still existed. It is damaged but I still saw it shining. And now…Fuck he tried to cut out the very thing he cherished. Why would he do that?” Pamela stared at Dean pleadingly. “Don’t you see, Castiel is more lost now than he has ever been. Whatever happened that night, in that car…” she gestured at the Impala, “…is killing your family. And I don’t just mean Cas. Look around you Dean. Sam and Charlie are barely holding it together. Claire, god the ever-present anger in that girl is escalating to dangerous proportions. And you…look at yourself.”

Pamela’s eyes traveled over Dean. She took in his disheveled clothes, his shaking hands and his red-rimmed eyes. “Running, drinking, hiding and so very alone. How long are you going to punish yourself? How long are you going to let that punishment destroy those you love most?”

The hunter’s clenched fists repeatedly punched the hood of his car. Tears streamed down his face and wrecked the last shred of his composure. The psychic watched as Dean shattered in front of her. “I am broken and I broke him because of it. He deserves so much more than I have to offer. They all do.”

“That’s a fucking cop-out. Castiel has gone through every machination of self-doubt, self-hatred, and yet he always found his way back to you and Sam. He accepted his faults, his betrayals, his guilt, his gravest mistakes and he survived. Under the weight of all of it, he stood, he fought and he atoned in the only way he knew how.” Exhausted Pamela simply stopped. Dropped her head and leaned against the Impala.

Dean took a deep breath and then stared at her. It took several seconds for him to find his voice. “What does that mean?” he said shakily.

“It means that each and every time, no matter the circumstance, that damn angel came back to you, Dean. I know deep inside, you know this. Despite your fear, you know. The problem is Castiel doesn’t know if the same is true for you. His fear…” Pamela shook her head. “This isn’t my place. I was given his inner most thoughts to help heal him.”

They stood in silence, staring at each other. Both waiting for the other to break the tension. Dean cracked first. “I don’t want Cas to be afraid. I never meant to hurt him. But somehow it's what we always end up doing to each other.”

“Yes, well it’s too late to undo the past, but it is not too late to right this wrong. Show him you aren’t going anywhere. That just as he stands by you, you will stand by him.”

A heavy sigh greeted her words. “It’s not that simple.”

“Fuck, yes, it is.” Anger radiated off the psychic. “It’s what he wants.  To be at your side. Now the only question is if you will let him have that.”

Eyes dripping with fear, body shaking, Dean whispered brokenly, “I can’t,” as he turned away. On trembling legs, the hunter walked to the driver’s door. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” And then he was gone.

 

Hours later Dean found himself curled up in his bed. The silence of the bunker did not allow him to hide from his thoughts. The half-gone bottle of whiskey in his hand wasn’t working either. Images of Castiel plagued his every thought. The badass angel who greeted him in that barn and threatened to throw him back in hell. The strange feelings those moments elicited in his own body. His consistent efforts to ignore those reactions. Images of his angel ready and willing to face death at every fucking turn. His intent to do good, obvious in everyone of those actions. As those thoughts slammed through his mind, he remembered his own blinding panic whenever his friend was lost to him. The excruciating pain of waiting for him to return. The fear that he never would. Through it all there was one overarching fact. Dean needed the angel as much if not more than the angel needed him.

If he was honest with himself, he had known for years that Cas was in love with him. It terrified him in every conceivable way because if it hurt so much to lose him as a friend what would it feel like to lose him if…Dean shook his head unable to finish that thought even to himself. What good was he to Cas if he could not even acknowledge his feelings in his own damn mind. The first time the angel used the word love, a whole ripped through the hunter’s heart. The fucking angel had to wait until he was dying to say it. Until Dean was already breaking under the impending loss. And when Cas came back to him, again, Dean was at a loss. Fear, pain, love were inextricably linked from that moment. So, he did the only thing he could. He shoved it all away. Until that night in the car, when it all came crashing back. The dam flooded and with it came every terrifying moment of his time with Cas.

And now the hunter is stuck in a world of his own making. Trapped by his own actions, his own words. Pamela was right. He was well and truly alone. And he would remain that way until…

“I get off my ass and do something about it,” yelled Dean. His words echoing in the windowless room. His next words were whispered to the empty space, “Fuck, I love him.”

 


	11. Unexpected Guests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one so I finished it early.

A month passed and no one had heard from Dean. Claire was the last to see him when she joined him on a vampire hunt. The longer the absence dragged on the guiltier Castiel felt. Remembering their harsh words in the hospital room did not help in the least. Sam, Charlie, and even Claire tried to reassure him that Dean would be back once he figured a few things out. Despite those assurances, they refused to tell him what exactly Dean was trying to figure out. Cas’ thoughts continually drifted to his own role in his disappearance. This remained the major sticking point in his therapy. Darla’s homework helped the angel feel more comfortable. He understood himself at a more visceral level. Most of that understanding dealt with his current condition and his role on earth. The door remained shut, however, when it came to processing his guilt. Darla assured him it was difficult for all people to forgive themselves. Wallowing in guilt was a very human reaction. He wanted to heal, but without knowledge of Dean’s whereabouts or his safety, Castiel couldn’t move forward. Added to his guilt, his fear and loss were powerful deterrents.

“Cas are you in here?” Sam’s voice bellowed from the front door.

“Yes, Sam. I am in my room.”

A shaggy head of hair leaned in the doorway. “Um…don’t you think it’s time to come out? It’s already 3:00. I worry about you sitting in here alone.”

Dropping his gaze, Castiel quietly answered. “I want to. Sam I truly do, but I’m terrified. It’s something I have rarely felt. Usually it's associated with one of you being in danger. This is different. Dean is gone. I can’t see him, feel him or hear him. How am I supposed to live my life when he is out there alone? I have all of you. Your support and kindness. What does he have?”

“Oh, Cas. You’re not responsible for Dean. This is a choice he made. We have to live our lives as best we can. We have to honor his wishes.”

The angel vaulted off the bed. No hesitation in his movements as he felt a surge of grace. There was strength in his body now. Cas saw the stunned look on his friend’s face. “Cas…how did…what…?”

“Uh…my grace is regenerating.” The angel held up his hand to stop the onslaught of questions he knew was coming. “Before you ask, no I am not even close to being at full-power. My grace is inconsistent at best. Sometimes, like now, it surges and I feel more angelic and less human. At other times it is faint. I have not figured out an exact pattern.”

Sam paused looking contemplative. “Okay…but does anything in particular trigger it.”

“Frustration seems to be the most consistent cause.”

“So, you were upset just now.”

Castiel nodded. “Thoughts of Dean seem to upset me quite frequently. There is frustration and anger, but also sadness. I feel tremendous loss when I think of Dean. I feel shame because I am responsible.” Tears welled in his eyes as he stared at Sam.

“No, Cas. Dean made a choice. Why would you think you are responsible?”

Another flare of grace and Cas’ words burst forth. “Because I told him. I told him and he was appalled. I told him and then we crashed. So yes Sam I am responsible. He is not here because I disgust him. Because of me he left all of you.”

Taking a step back Sam glanced at the ceiling. He walked slowly across the room and sat gingerly on the bed. “I don’t believe that is the case, but if it is even remotely true then Charlie and I are as much to blame. We told you to tell him. We pushed you into it even though we knew how scared you were. So, you see if you blame yourself then you must blame us.”

“Absolutely not Sam. They are my feelings not yours. Dean loves all of you. He does not feel the same for me and my being here keeps him away. Since I am recovering, I believe it’s time for me to go. That way Dean can come home.” The angel straightened, raised his eyebrow and stared at Sam with defiance.

The hunter smiled weakly. “That is not an option. For one, you are family. Two, the women in our lives would never forgive me. And lastly, Dean would be pissed if I let you go. He wants you here even if he can’t be here right now.”

“That makes no sense, Sam. Dean always wants to be where you are. He would never willingly separate himself from you. He…”

Sam interrupts, “Stop. Dean may not be living with me, but we call and text.”

The angel stomped across the room. “You are lying Sam. No one has heard from Dean for a month.”

The door swung open and a tiny ball of energy entered. “What is taking you so long?”

“Sorry Charlie. I’m just talking Cas out of another one of his hare-brained schemes.” Sam stared down the angel. “Right, Cas?”

“Sam I really think it would be better if I left.”

Charlie charged into the room.  “Ohhh, Noooo. Not gonna happen angel wings. Not a chance in hell. Or heaven or whatever. This is our home. All of us. Now, drop this ridiculous subject and come with me. We are going out to dinner and then the drive-in.”

Ushering Castiel out of his room and out of the house took the combined strength and wits of Sam and Charlie. Once they reached the car a surprising sight stood before the angel. Claire, Alex, Jody, and Pamela were waiting for him. This amazing cohort of women were determined to drag the angel from his depression. But the most shocking discovery was when Pamela stepped aside to reveal Bobby, clad in his usual trucker hat. Standing beside the hunter stood a wisp of an angel in a female vessel.

“Let me introduce you. Bobby, you know, and this is Coriel the angel who made all of this possible.” Pamela gestured at herself and Bobby. Cas smiled shyly at Bobby. Aware of his role in the old hunter’s death, he was unsure of his welcome. After a gruff, _Good to see you idjit,_ from Bobby, the angel turned to Coriel. He did not recognize the angel. Something was masking her true form. Or maybe his weakened grace was the cause. Both answers triggered an uncomfortable feeling inside Castiel. Squashing his instincts, Cas attempted to be polite. “Hello Coriel. Why have you come?”

“Well, Bobby requested my help. He felt that our plan was failing without his brand of persuasion.”

Sam scoffed. Bobby glared at the younger man and Sam smartly chose to look at the ground. Coriel continued as if the interruption had not occurred. “When we decided to send Pamela, our hope was that you would make a quick recovery. Our calculations were inaccurate.” Coriel turned to address the others. "Cas’ issues are much broader than we first thought. They go beyond his capability because they are inextricably linked to a human.”

“She means that Dean’s stubborn ass is part of this whole problem. He needs to get over his shit and come home to his family.” Bobby took time to stare at each individual in turn. “Do we all agree on that?”

A heavy sigh erupted from the assembled group. “Yes.”

Jody stepped into the conversation, “Bobby of course we know that, but convincing Dean has been downright impossible. Each of us has tried in our own way.”

“WELL, I guess it’s time for me to shake some sense into that son of mine. I promise Cas, I will drag his sorry self back here.” Castiel went to protest but the old hunter held up his hand. “This is not just for you, son. It is for Dean’s own good. Leaving him alone to wallow is never a good thing. Now aren’t you all headed off somewhere.”

Coriel stepped forward into Castiel’s space. “May I have a word before you go?”

 

Sitting in the car as they made their way to dinner, Cas could not help but rehash his conversation with the unknown angel. There were moments in which the blue-eyed angel felt a familiar connection. A tug in his vast memory bank. But no matter how hard he tried to grasp the image or feeling it flickered out. There was familiarity in the angel’s stance and cadence. At times Cas felt at ease and at other’s he felt apprehensive. The dichotomy of his reactions to Coriel was disconcerting. Rehashing those feelings was getting Cas nowhere, so instead he focused on their conversation. It did not seem possible that there were more angels like her. One’s who would welcome him back. One’s who wanted free will but were too afraid to seek it. This notion was preposterous in light of all that he had experienced since his fall from heaven. No matter that God himself brought Castiel back more than once, the host had always seen him as a nuisance, at best, or a traitor, at worst. His skepticism, honed over his years with the Winchesters, made him question the intentions of this mysterious angel. He left the conversation having given little to no response and burdened with a whole host of questions.

“What has you looking so constipated?” Alex asked.

“That is his regular expression,” joked Claire with a huge grin on her face. The rare expression shook Cas out of his fog and back into the present. He smiled at the blonde girl before turning to Alex. “It appears, as Claire often points out, my resting face looks like I have a stick up my ass. So, your analogy is quite apt, Alex.”

This response elicited laughter from the entire crew including Castiel. The mood sufficiently lightened Cas was able to push aside his misgivings about Coriel. And with Bobby headed off to find Dean, the blue-eyed angel let go of some of his guilt and fear. He trusted the old hunter with every fiber of his being, both angel and human.


	12. A Surprising Reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments. Writing this and hearing from you has kept me grounded as I try to find an agent for my first novel.

Dinner was a raucous affair as the friend’s drank and laughed. Even the unflappable angel, succumbed to bouts of laughter. The alcohol loosened his tongue and his mood. The evening was capped off with a horror movie marathon at the drive-in. Everyone except Sam enjoyed the scary movies. Charlie mercilessly teased her friend as he jumped every time a clown was on the screen, amazed that the big, bad hunter who took on the devil feared something as innocuous as a clown. Castiel took a different approach. He chose to help Sam avoid seeing the clowns. On the way back to the house, Sam acknowledged the disparate approaches.

“Thank you, Cas. At least one of my friend’s was supportive tonight.”

Charlie smiled sheepishly, “Aww. Come on. You must admit it is funny that you fear clowns of all things.”

“Now Charlie. To be fair to Sam, the phobia developed in childhood. It’s no surprise that he still fears his nemeses.” Castiel’s tone was insincere and his eyes gleamed with mischief.

“Cas, what’s with that look?” asked Sam.

Innocently, Cas answered, “What look?”

“You know what look.” Sam stared down the angel.

The angel smiled then. “Yes, I suppose I do.”

“What are you two going on about?” asked Claire.

Charlie burst back into the conversation. “Cas is mocking Sam for his clown phobia.”

Claire chuckled as she turned to the angel with a huge grin. “Good for you Cas. Glad to know you do have a sense of humor.”

“I try.” The angel felt proud of himself. Every year his conversational skills improved and he found himself enjoying it more. Thoughts of all the missed references and Dean’s frustration at his inability to understand basic interaction, flashed through his mind. Sam was always more patient when it came to this lack of skill. Charlie, however, took it upon herself to educate Castiel.

“You know Charlie. I’m not sure I appreciate you teaching Cas the finer points of humor and sarcasm.

Shaking her head, Charlie said, “Oh, no. Our angel did not need my help with sarcasm. His interactions with Dean took care of that all on its own. Add to that his time with Crowley and his education in sarcasm was complete.”

Sam turned into their driveway as he said, “All right, I’ll give you that.”

Once the car was stopped everyone piled out except the angel. His mind was trapped in memories of his exchanges with Dean. Jody was the one to stick her head back into the car. “Not ready to come in.”

“May I ask you something Sheriff?”

“Sure Cas.”

Taking a deep breath, the angel steeled himself before continuing. “I know Dean spent some time with you. Claire told me he was not doing well at that time. When he came to the hospital last month, I think our conversation made everything worse. We argued and he left in anger. Do you think it is possible Dean will ever forgive me?”

Jody knelt next to the open car door. “Before I answer, can I ask what brought this on?”

“Charlie mentioned Dean and it brought up many of our conversations. We shared so much of ourselves in those talks. I trusted Dean more than I have any other being in the world. I told him of my insecurities, my hopes, my fears, my feelings. And he often told me things he would never tell anyone else. I thought it meant more than it did…”

“Stop right there.” Jody reached out and took his hand. “Did it mean more to you?”

“Yes,” Cas whispered as his face flushed.

“So, you believe it didn't mean more to Dean.” Jody squeezed his hand.

“I…I…” The angel dropped his gaze. “Sheriff, I do not simply believe, I know. The problem is I don’t know how to fix what I have broken. So, I will go back to my original question. Will he ever forgive me?”

Jody took her time before answering. “I’m not sure the issue is about forgiving you. I believe the issue is Dean forgiving himself. Until he can do that, he will not come back here. My hope is that Bobby can get through that thick skull of his.”

“That makes no sense. Why would he need to forgive himself? I’m the one that hurt him.”

Shaking her head, Jody said, “He doesn’t see it that way Cas.”

Tears leaked from the corners of the angel’s eyes. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because I have seen guilt up-close and personal. I have seen Dean’s guilt many times. And when he came to see me he was being swallowed up by guilt and it all centered around you. Now I don’t know exactly what went on between you two, but I do know that you should not give up.”

Castiel slowly exited the car and walked silently with Jody into the house. It was late and everyone retired after saying brief goodnights. Cas sat in his bed for over an hour contemplating Jody’s words. He would like to believe them but it was a difficult prospect for the angel. The nagging thoughts followed him into a restless sleep. Morning dawned too quickly and Cas emerged from his room grumpy and disheveled.

“Long night, handsome.” Pamela beamed at the blue-eyed rumpled mess.

“You could say that.”

Pamela smile faded, replaced with concern. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Taking a seat and dropping his head to the table, Castiel mumbled, “Coffee.”

“Sure.” Seconds later Pamela deposited a steaming cup of black coffee before the angel.

He inhaled deeply and then took a long drink, burning his mouth on the hot brew. Ignoring the pain, he took another drink. “Thank you.”

Waiting several heartbeats, the psychic finally asked, “Do you want to tell me about it?’

Cas dragged his head up to stare into her soulful eyes. “You know what I went through during my coma. How I struggled? My thoughts.”

“Yes, I do. And I am sorry because I know that was an invasion of your privacy.”

“It’s all right. I understand why…I guess what I’m asking is knowing how broken I am do you believe I will fully heal. Do you think my soul will recover?”

“Oh, sweetheart it is already healing. You are stronger than you know. Just a few weeks ago I was unsure and at times downright worried, but now I know nothing will stop you from getting better. I know you think that your love for Dean is destroying both of you, but I need you to understand that is the furthest thing from the truth. Loving someone is never wrong, even if they don’t return that love. The love in your heart goes way beyond Dean and it plays a huge part in healing your soul and from what Sam and Charlie found, it is also helping regenerate your grace. Handsome, I see now that you need to love like I need to breathe.” Pamela reached out and took Castiel’s hand. “Keep hold of your love, Cas. Don’t let it go.”

A broken smile and a heavy sigh answered her words. “I’m not sure I truly know how to love. There is so much joy when I love, but in the next breath there is overwhelming pain.”

Tears fell from both of their eyes. “That’s often the case with love. There is depth to your love, Cas, which means it can cause both. But without love, life is cold and barren.”

The angel felt Pamela’s surprise when he wrapped his arms around her, holding tight. He buried his face in her neck and inhaled deeply. She smelled of sunshine on a spring day. A shudder ran through his body and he felt arousal in his groin. The feeling was rare, almost foreign, in the presence of anyone but Dean. Cas felt Pamela tense and extricated himself quickly. When their eyes met, he saw desire in her eyes.

“Fuck. Castiel.” Her words dripped with want. “We…I…shit.”

Sadness replaced his arousal. “I’m sorry. I don't know what came over me.”

“It’s called lust, handsome.”

“But I love another. How can this happen?” the angel gestured at the beginnings of an erection.

Pamela reached out and held his face in both her hands. “Sometimes our bodies respond in ways we can’t control. Especially when you haven’t…um….”

“Had sex,” Cas finished for her. Pamela nodded and the angel continued, “I can see how that would contribute to the problem, but I have been experiencing sexual release.”

The psychic’s eyebrows shot up and she smirked. “And how has that been.”

“Very enjoyable. Although I often wish I had a partner to share the experience with.”

Pamela rested their foreheads together and whispered, “He will come home.”

Castiel pulled her into a tight hug and pressed a kiss to her neck. “I wish sometimes I could love another.”

“I understand that feeling, but unfortunately love has a mind of its own.”

Still wrapped in each other’s arms they failed to hear the footsteps coming down the hall. A shocked gasp pulled them out of the intimate moment. “What the hell?” Charlie stomped her feet. “Pamela!”

The psychic quickly said, “It’s not what you think.” Charlie frowned, shaking her head. “No seriously it’s not. Cas needed to understand the difference between lust…ok maybe it is a little bit how it looked. We shared a moment of attraction, but that is all.”

The angel nodded slightly. “I was aroused when we hugged and it confused me. Pamela was kind enough to explain that my body responded with an erection, but…”

Charlie flushed a deep crimson. “Stop. Let’s not talk about your bodily functions.”

“But.”

“Nope, no buts. Just tell me how this ended.” She gestured between the angel and the psychic.

Cas smiled as his eyes shone with tears. “When you entered, I told Pamela I wish at times I could love someone else.”

“And I explained it doesn’t work that way.” Pamela squeezed Castiel’s hand and smiled weakly at him.

The red-head’s face fell and she dropped herself down in front of Cas. “I am so sorry, Cas. I wish I could take your pain away.”

“I know and that is why I love you. I love all of you. I guess sometimes I forget the other love in my life. I should pay more attention to the joy I receive from that love and not cling tightly to that which brings anguish.” He felt lighter and heat flooded his body. The surge of grace surprised him and clearly it surprised the women.

Shocked smiles erupted on their faces. “Your eyes were glowing. Does that mean…?”

A quick nod and then Cas said, “Yes Charlie. My grace is growing stronger and some of my abilities are returning. Although any use of grace will still weaken me.”

“That is awesome.” Charlie bounced up and hugged Cas, dropping a kiss atop his head.

Pamela jumped into the conversation. “And to make things even better. His soul is shining without a hint of darkness.”

This time it was the angel’s turn to be shocked. “Really?”

“Yes, sweetheart. It is true.”


	13. Accept Thyself

Weeks of drinking and fucking did nothing to stop his thoughts or hinder his yearning. Dean walked out of the dingy motel room after a few hours rest. Body aching, he dropped his duffel bag in the trunk before climbing into the Impala. The hunt the night before was supposed to be simple, a milk-run, but Dean was unable to focus. Exhausted and hungover he ended up being tossed around until he got a concussion. He finally mustered the strength to kill the damn werewolf but the damage was already done. Crawling back to the motel, Dean felt shame and disgust. He also felt very alone. That feeling remained when he woke in the morning. It remained as he started the car and it remained as he drove the ten hours to the bunker.

Walking into his home, alone again, sent shivers down his spine. Without Sam and Cas, the place was empty and desolate. Without Charlie’s boundless spirit, the bunker was a shell. At times, it felt like a tomb. Dean had made it that way. He had driven his family away. At every turn, they tried to convince him to be with them and he foolishly shot them down. And this was his punishment for that slight. He was alone with his pain. Alone with his guilt. Alone with his racing thoughts. Thoughts of Cas and the love shining in his eyes. Thoughts of destroying that love with a few choice words. Seeing the light leave his angel’s eyes. Knowing he was the one who destroyed that light. He had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide from these thoughts.

Hunting, drinking, fucking. None of it worked anymore. There was only one choice. He would have to confront it. He would have to face it. He would have to figure out how to fix it. And he would have to work to get his family back. No more running.

That was easier said than done. The craving for liquor consumed his nights. Without it he could not sleep, but with it he could not think clearly. The desire to hunt filled his days, but Dean knew by doing so he would never stop long enough to fix anything. Fucking was the worst of all. It left him feeling exposed, weak and overwhelmingly guilty. Cas’ face crossed his mind every time he slid his hard cock into a woman. Blue eyes haunted him on every thrust and it was Cas’ name that radiated in his mind as he orgasmed.

That left driving as his only escape. The Impala still felt like home. It was the solace in his darkness. He used the time behind the wheel to let his mind wander. He let it drift through a myriad of thoughts and each time it came back to love. The love of his brother, the love of his friends. Loves lost and loves gained. The love of an Angel of the Lord. A love that transcended heaven and hell. A love that survived the apocalypse and death. A love freely given by a soldier of heaven and crushed by the cowardice of the righteous man. This last thought plagued Dean the most. Cas never wavered in his love. He fell from heaven for that love. He chose Dean over all else without expecting anything in return. It was a truly selfless love and instead of accepting it Dean shoved it back in his face. Called him names and broke the bond they shared. A bond he now realized he needed like he needed air to breathe.

“How am I going to get it back?” These days Dean often found himself speaking aloud to himself. “There must be something I can do?”

Dark clouds always entered then. “He is too good for you. You don't deserve a second chance. They are better off without you.”

Wallowing in these thoughts made staying sober more difficult so Dean decided to take a drive across the country. He felt an urge to see the ocean. Days in the car were capped off with drinking and restless nights of sleep in a crappy motel. Along the way he could not seem to avoid the supernatural. It seemed to find him as did one diligent King of Hell.

Two hours outside of Las Vegas, Crowley appeared in the car. “Why the hell are you here? I told you to leave me alone.”

“No can do squirrel. Moose and feathers are very concerned and I promised to check on you.”

Dean scoffed, “Bullshit.”

“Fine. I haven’t spoken to the tall baby and his pet angel. However, I am curious why they are not here with you.” The smell of sulfur filled the car as Crowley leered at Dean.

“That is none of your damn business. Now if you don’t mind you can fuck off.” The hunter refused to look at the demon. “I mean it. You need to leave.”

The King of Hell sat quietly before saying, “Dean, Dean, Dean. What am I going to do with you?”

Anger flared in the hunter’s eyes as he finally looked at Crowley. “Nothing. You are going to do nothing with me.”

“You know he will still be there. He isn’t going anywhere. It is as if he is programmed to be at your side.”

“Stop. Please stop.” Dean turned off the road and parked the car. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Shaking his head Crowley said, “Yes I do. Castiel for some ungodly reason loves humanity. He loves every weakness, every imperfection and by far he loves one human above all else. The damaged angel who fell for the righteous man. The romance novel practically writes itself. It is nauseating and irritating but unfortunately true. Our broken angel loves your stupid ass.”

Dean slammed his hands onto the steering wheel. Seething his words raged from his mouth. “He is NOT your angel!”

“Ah…there it is. I knew you had it in you.” The demon laughed and then disappeared.

“What the fuck?” Dean stared at the empty passenger seat. “What was that all about?” He yelled to the void. “Goddammit Crowley. Get your ass back here.”

After several minutes of waiting Dean pulled back onto the road. Frustration ate at him as he chewed up the miles. Arriving in Vegas, he checked into a better motel than the usual. The pool and spa were tempting but the casino around the corner beckoned him. He played a few hands of blackjack and took a try at the craps table. Pocketing a few hundred bucks, Dean exited the casino floor and made for one of the bars. Having promised himself to stop the one-night stands, he avoided the women in the room. After too many drinks to count, this strategy failed. His eyes scanned the room, landing on a tall, dark-haired woman. She turned as his gaze lingered. Without a second thought, Dean slipped into his old persona. Cock-sure and smiling he approached as her eyes remained locked on him. Those eyes pulled at him. The deep blue reminded him of another set of eyes.

Eyes that bore into his. Always seeking his soul. Eyes that starred in everyone of his dreams of late. Responding to his intense gaze, the woman ran her hands down his chest. Her delicate hands and the softness of her voice broke the spell. Images of Cas faded away and Dean leaned into the touch.

“Want to get out of her?” asked Dean, skipping even the rudimentary basics of picking up a woman.

She smirked while tightening her fist in his shirt. “Not even going to buy me a drink first, handsome.”

“I’ve had enough and I’m in the mood for something else.”

“Well then. Come with me.”

Dean was on her the second the elevator door closed. The woman wrapped her legs around his waist and they rocked together, not bothering to stop even after the doors opened on her floor. The hunter carried her down the hall. Slamming her into the door and devouring her mouth. Briefly extricating themselves from each other, she managed to open the door. Picking her up aggressively, he crossed the room and dropped her on the bed. Stepping back, he stripped quickly, grabbing the condom out of his pants, and then climbed on the bed. He didn’t bother stripping her bare. He just shoved her skirt out of the way and pulled down her panties. She spread her legs suggestively at the sight of his hard cock sheathed in the condom. Dean took the invitation and fucked into her wet heat. Unable to look into those fucking blue eyes, he buried his face in her neck as he relentlessly pounded into her welcoming body. The woman writhed under him, encouraging him to go harder and faster. Chasing his orgasm, Dean set a brutal pace. His orgasm hit as he buried himself deeply. He pulled out as his cum was still filling the condom and replaced his cock with his hand until she came with a shout.

No words were said as he dressed. When he sat down on the bed to put on his boots, she slid in behind him.   “Thanks for that,” she whispered in his ear. “It was just what I needed, but it was obviously not what you needed. Whatever it is, whoever she is, doing this isn’t going to fix it.”

Dean cringed at the word ‘she’ and dropped his head into his hands.

The woman whispered, “Or he.”

“Um…uh…what?”

“I get it now. I was definitely not what you needed.” Dean went to protest, but she cut him off. “I’m not judging you. It’s just. I see it clearly now.”

“Well, I’m glad YOU understand because I sure the hell don’t.” He stood and walked across the room while running his hands through his hair. “How?” Dean choked on the question.

A soft chuckle came from the bed. “It’s kind of my job to know.”

Dean lifted his head and really looked at the woman. She nodded at him. “I’m a detective and it’s my job to read people. And don’t try to deny it. It’s obvious you’re hung up on someone and the way you reacted when I said, _whoever SHE is,_ clued me on the situation.”

“I…doesn’t this strike you as a weird conversation to have after what we just did.”

“I’m a cop in Vegas. I see weird on a regular basis.”

Dean huffed at that. “Join the club,” he mumbled as he turned away. “That still doesn’t answer how you knew I was hung up on someone.”

“That took a bit longer to figure out.” She paused briefly before saying, “Stop pacing and I’ll tell you.” The hunter crossed the room and took the chair at the small desk in the corner. “Good. When you approached me, you were all swagger and smiles, but that all slipped away when you stared in my eyes. I thought maybe I was reading too much into that look because your cockiness came back when you propositioned me. And the way you took control in the elevator convinced me I was seeing things.” It was her turn to stand then. With her dark hair loose around her shoulders and a sad smile on her face, she said, “But then through all of it you never made eye contact. After that initial stare in the bar you avoided my eyes.”

Dean was uncomfortable and twitched in his seat. He craved a drink but fought to sit still. “Yeah, I…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dean raised an eyebrow at her. “No really, it’s all right. The last clue was when you pulled out before finishing. You didn’t want it to be me. You wanted someone else.”

Heat rose up the back of his neck and settled in his cheeks. “You must be good at your job.” The woman laughed. “Wow, I feel a bit exposed here. I haven’t exactly told anyone about…” Dean gestured at himself.

“That you’re bisexual.” Dean cringed at the word and stared daggers into the floor. “There is nothing wrong with your sexuality. You shouldn’t be ashamed.”

“I’m not…ashamed. I just don’t know how to be that.”

She shook her head. “There is no right or wrong way to be that, you simply are.”

His shoulders tensed and he exhaled sharply. “I can’t believe I am having this conversation with a stranger.” He heard her steps approaching and dragged his eyes from the floor.

The woman held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Liz. Nice to meet you.”

The hunter took her hand. “Dean.”

“Well, Dean. Now that we aren’t strangers, how about you tell me why you can’t accept yourself.”

Meeting her gaze, Dean said, “Fuck. I guess it’s because I’m supposed to be this macho ladies’ man. I’m supposed to be the tough guy.”

“And being bisexual or gay means, you can’t be those things.”

“When you say it like that it sounds stupid.”

“That’s because it is.” She smirked before continuing. “So, this man you want, is he bisexual?”

Dean’s shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. “He says he’s indifferent to sexual orientation.”

“Okay, so is he weak or less of a man because of that.”

Defiance in his eyes, Dean said, “Fuck no. Cas is one of the strongest people I know.”

Liz walked back across the room and leaned against the door. “I guess I don’t understand your issue then.”

“That makes two of us. I never judge anyone else on their sexuality, but myself…” Dean shook his head in frustration. “I met these two macho guys and was surprised they were a couple. I guess the best way to describe what I felt was jealousy. They were so comfortable being who they are.”

“And that’s what you want for yourself, but what? You’re to afraid to go after it.”

Dean dropped his head into his hands again. “Not something I’m used to but yeah I am afraid. I have too much to lose. He is my best friend, my family and it would destroy me…” He paused and lowered his voice, “…if I ruined it.”

Liz waited for Dean to look at her. When their eyes locked, she said, “So, you have a good relationship now?” Color fled the hunter’s face and he cringed. “Well, I guess that means no. And if that’s the case what do you have to lose by going after what you truly want. Sleeping with random women will never fix what’s broken.”

His voice was barely discernible as he said, “I know.” Dean stood and pulled himself together. “I should probably go.” He crossed the room and grabbed the door handle, stopping when Liz spoke.

“Dean stop running from yourself.”

Without looking back, his breath hitched as he said, “I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Bobby finds Dean in the next chapter.


	14. Sage Advice

Dean walked slowly back to his hotel. In a daze, he hardly noticed the bright lights and loud noises of the Vegas strip. Even worse, he failed to notice the man standing at the hotel entrance. Walking past without a second glance, Dean went to enter the hotel. It was only when he heard the words that he shook himself out of his trance.

“Idjit. Where is your brain at?”

Turning abruptly, Dean froze at the sight of his surrogate father. “Bobby…is that…how?” Suddenly on guard, Dean reached for his weapon only to find himself without one.

Looking at Dean’s empty hand, Bobby sighed, “This is worse than I thought.”

“What?” The younger man’s voice cracked as he stared open-mouthed.

“Getting more intelligent by the second. Come on, idjit. Let’s get you upstairs.”

Dean followed wordlessly as Bobby dragged him to his room. Once they were inside, the green-eyed hunter finally acknowledged the need to test his companion. Bobby, however, beat him to the punch. He doused his own arm with holy water and then cut it with a silver knife. “Now you mind telling me why Dean Winchester is wandering around unarmed and oblivious.”

“I…just…um. Fuck, Bobby I don’t know. How are you here?”

The older man chuckled and shook his head. “Well, a few people upstairs decided you needed an intervention. Seeing how our last attempt failed.”

Walking across the room, Dean dropped himself to the bed. “What does that mean?”

“I’ll sum it up for your clearly overwrought brain. A group of us managed to get Pamela sent down her to work her magic on Castiel in the hopes healing him would fix the problem. But your stubborn ass refused to deal with what happened. After watching the torture for these last few months, we couldn’t take it anymore and we decided you needed a good old-fashioned ass kicking.”

“And that’s what you’re here for?” questioned Dean.

At this, the seasoned hunter smirked and huffed, “Who better?”

Dean felt his lips quirk up in an attempt at a smile. It was the first in a very long time.

“At least I know that still works. We ain’t seen many smiles out of any of you lately.” On the last word, Bobby pulled out the desk chair and sat down. “Would you like to tell me why you’re here instead of where you belong.”

“That’s just it Bobby. I’m not sure I belong anywhere anymore. Sam’s pissed at me. Charlie will barely look at me. And Cas…” Dean looked up and sighed.   “I can’t be around him.”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course, it fucking matters you idjit. That angel loves you and it seems you were the only one who didn’t know.” Bobby leaned back and crossed his arms. “Now what is it?”

Tears welled in Dean’s eyes. Sweeping his hand down his face to clear the moisture, the younger man’s breath hitched as he said, “You don’t know what I did. You wouldn’t be saying this if you did. He deserves better.”

“Bullshit. I know exactly what happened. You freaked out when he told you how he feels and instead of apologizing you doubled down on your stupidity. I don’t know if it’s because you’re afraid of loving a man or because you’re afraid of loving Cas. Whatever the reason, what you’re doing now isn’t fixing a goddamn thing.”

“Don’t you think I know that. But Bobby his love is…” Dean looked at Bobby with wide terrified eyes.

The older man’s demeanor softened. “Son, any love worth having is all-consuming. I understand that Cas’ singular focus and devotion are overwhelming, but what would you be without it.”

“I don’t fucking know. And it’s not like I didn’t know how he felt. Shit, demons, angels, and even fans of those ridiculous books knew. But when he said it out loud. When he spelled it out in no uncertain terms that he was in love with me, I cracked. My heart ached and my head pounded. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The bond was consuming enough. I’m not sure I can deal with more.”

“Dammit Dean.” Bobby’s voice hardened. “You have NO choice. He loves you and that’s a fact you are going to have to face even if it terrifies you.”

There was no stopping the tears. They streamed down Dean’s face as fast as he swiped at them. “Bobby, I’m not gay. I’m not supposed to be…”

The older man held up his hand and interrupted, “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. Whatever you are thinking is plain wrong. There is nothing you are supposed to be. Whatever John told you about this is wrong. You are what you are.”

Dean abruptly stood. “I need a drink or ten if we’re going to keep talking about this.” After a few shots of whiskey, he asked, “So you’re telling me it wouldn’t bother you if I was gay.” His voice shook and his eyes flitted across the room.

Crossing the room in three quick strides, Bobby gripped the younger man’s shoulder. “No.”

“That’s it. Just no.”

Bobby squeezed Dean’s shoulder before he said, “It don’t matter. The only thing that matters is how you’re hurting yourself.”

Taking another shot, Dean looked up at the man who helped raise him. “Bobby, I love him.”

“I know.”

“I’ve loved him for a very long time and it terrifies me.”

“I know.”

Dean’s chest constricted and suddenly he couldn’t catch his breath. Wide green eyes stared blankly. “Dean stay with me. Breathe Dean. Come on son.”

The sound of Bobby’s voice when he said son snapped Dean out of his panic. He took several deep breaths and his racing heart eased. Exhausted he laid down on the bed, propped up against the headboard. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“What do you want to do?”

Closing his eyes, only one thought entered Dean’s mind. “I want my family back.”

“Bout damn time,” said Bobby as he sat down on the other bed. “It ain’t going to be easy.”

Dean tipped his head forward and then turned to the side. Facing Bobby, he said, “I don’t deserve easy.”

“Well then we better get some sleep so we can get to work first thing in the morning.”

 

The next morning Dean woke with a massive headache and puffy eyes. He stumbled out of bed mumbling to himself, “Crying fucking sucks.” Headed to the bathroom, he heard a gruff voice. “Stop whining.”

“I’m not whining old man.”

“Sure, you’re not,” said Bobby sarcastically. “Now take your damn shower so we can get moving.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m going.”

Half an hour later, Bobby and Dean sat across from each other in a nondescript diner. As Dean shoveled the greasy food into his mouth, Bobby tried to direct the conversation. “You need a plan Dean. I know that goes against your nature, but this time you really need a plan. You missed a lot while you been running.”

“Don’t you think I know that.”

“No actually I don’t. Any time they tried to talk to you about this, you stopped listening and acted like an asshole.”

Dean scoffed, “That’s because I am an asshole most of the time.”

Bobby shook his head and cracked a small smile. “I’m not arguing with that.” The smile vanished. “Dean I’m serious. You missed a lot. What Cas went through ain’t pretty and Sam and Charlie were there to witness it all. Your brother pulled your angel’s hand out of his chest. And Dean, he fought him, digging in deeper. Blood was everywhere. I know you and Sam have seen plenty, but this damn near broke Sam. To see a member of his family mutilating himself…”

“Stop Bobby, stop,” Dean pleaded as he sobbed.

“There’s no running from this son. Cas tried to remove his soul. He has frequent seizures. His depression and anxiety aren’t just gonna magically go away. It’s a constant struggle right now.” Bobby lowered his voice. “You need to be prepared.”

The lights of the diner swirled in Dean’s visions. Images of Castiel shredded and dripping with blood, head slamming into the floor. Images of his angel trapped in the hospital bed, unresponsive. Those beautiful blue eyes faded and grey. The eyes that filled Dean’s dreams and stirred unimaginable desire in the hunter. Dean knew from the moment Cas stormed into that barn that they were connected. No matter how long he tried to deny it, their bond was ever present and went way beyond friendship. They belonged to each other and when the world pulled them apart they always found their way back. With that thought Dean’s vision cleared and he said, “I know I want my family back.  I'm not sure how but I know I will have to earn it.”


	15. Walls Come Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took longer. It takes more time to write about their internal emotional struggle.

Something had changed for Castiel after the movie night. As his soul and grace continued to heal and grow, they stopped warring with each other for dominance. Each day his depression eased, but his anxiety remained strong. Loud noisy places still triggered feelings of panic. Thoughts of Dean caused trepidation and the seizures continued. They were less severe and Cas was learning how to manage their aftermath better. The different levels of progress became the focus of his therapy with Darla.

“Cas, how are you feeling today?”

The angel smiled genuinely. “Today is a good day. The sun is shining. Charlie and I went for a long walk and my body did not tire as easily. I felt stronger than I have since the accident.”

“So, physically you are seeing a vast improvement of late.” Darla leaned forward, ducked her head and said, “Cas would you look at me please?”

Piercing blue-eyes lifted and found the soulful eyes of his therapist. “Thank you. I’m glad for you. Your speech and your body are recovering. I believe this has helped alleviate some of your depression, but I am still concerned. We are not seeing a marked progression in other aspects. The seizures, your panic attacks are still easily triggered.” Darla’s voice was soft and disarming and it tugged at the raw emotion Cas was unable to control. Tears welled in his eyes and his breathing grew ragged.

“Castiel, I need you to stay with me. Picture the garden and the peace it brings you. Breathe in the fresh air.” The angel closed his eyes and the vice in his chest loosened. A slight smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

In the same soothing voice, Darla said, “Good. Now open your eyes.” She paused until those soul piercing blue eyes focused on her again. “Where did you go just then?”

“I…I…can…not control what I feel and it scares m…me.”

“Why does it scare you?”

The angel shook his head and stood. He walked to the window and trailed his eyes along the porch railing. “I used to be able to compartmentalize my feelings. I used those which I deemed necessary and buried the others. Ever since I saved him, I have struggled with my control. He was always the exception. His words, his touch affected me at a visceral level and rendered my angelic ability mute. I’m not saying I failed every time, but most of the time…my emotions ruled my decisions when it came to him.”

Darla nodded as she stood and walked to his side. “And this is what scared you. Succumbing to emotion. Facing your feelings.”

“No, not in the way you are thinking.” Cas turned to her with conviction in his eyes. “I don’t fear that because in the car that night I confronted my feelings. I gave into my emotions and every day since then I have been ruled by them. What I fear is my inability to live with his rejection and move on with my life knowing he is lost to me? If I do not find a way to bury this feeling, I fear he will never return. And despite everything, I miss him. I simply miss his presence and the constant hum of the bond we once shared. I thought losing the voices of my angelic brothers and sisters was difficult, but this…”

A soft touch to his elbow grounded Castiel and he continued, “This is the worst loss I have ever experienced. It seems contrite to miss the bond more than the loss of countless lives or my faith in my father, but no matter how I rationalize it I cannot prevent it.”

“Oh, Cas. Our feelings are never insignificant. What you feel shouldn’t be denigrated. It should be recognized and valued.”

“But how is that possible when I do not value myself.”

The look of utter shock in Darla’s deep brown eyes, surprised the angel. Never had he seen anything but understanding in those eyes. When she didn’t speak, he asked, “What?”

“It’s just…I have been waiting for you to acknowledge that. To finally put words to the feeling that has controlled you for a long time.” This time it was Darla’s eyes that welled with tears. “Why do you think you are worth so little?”

Cas frowned and shook his head in defeat. “I would not even know where to begin.” He chuckled mirthlessly, “I have failed in every conceivable way. And the one thing I clung to all these years was an innate sense to serve and when I was no longer needed I was irrelevant.”

“I wish you could see what others see when they look at you. Castiel, the people in this house love you. They appreciate you not for what you can do for them. They appreciate you for who you are. For the kind, generous man you are. For the dedicated friend you are. For the unconditional love you give. Your heart shows in those beautiful eyes. From everything Sam and Charlie have told me that love was there whether you were an angel or a human. And it certainly shows in the person you are now.”

An overwhelming heaviness came over his limbs and Cas slumped forward. Darla caught him and embraced the shaking man. No words were spoken. She simply held him for several minutes. A mumbled, “Thank you” broke the silence.   Darla, with her arm wrapped around his waist, led him to the couch. “I want to believe you. I want…well I guess I want many things. It’s interesting.”

She affectionately smiled at him. “What’s interesting?”

“I don’t remember another time in which I have wanted anything for myself. So, it is interesting that now I see and feel desire.   I want to have a home and a family. I want to give and receive love. I want to find joy in my daily life. I want…him.”

The therapist shook her head emphatically. “I have let it slide during this conversation, but you need to say his name. Castiel, it does not help you to avoid it.”

Cas rolled his eyes and smirked. “You know we have talked of this before and I still believe it doesn’t matter. What I want I will not get and I have to learn to live with it whether I say his name or not.” The angel reached out and gripped Darla’s shoulder. “But I will do it for you. Dean is still the man I love above all else.”

 

Several hours after Darla left Sam found Castiel alone amongst the bee hives. The angel was looking skyward with a peaceful expression on his face. The sun lit up the sharp angle of his jaw and highlighted his cheekbones. There was an ethereal quality to the picture before the hunter. The angelic nature of the man exuded from every sinew and radiated from the strength of his stance. The dichotomy between his facial expression and the hard line of his body stood out like a beacon. The representation of an angel filled with humanity. Sensing the presence of the hunter, Cas lowered his head and gazed into Sam’s hazel eyes. “Hello Sam.”

“Hey Cas. Darla left over an hour ago. We were concerned when you did not return to the house.”

Cas noted the tension in Sam’s voice. “I am sorry Sam. It was not my intent to worry you. Did Darla tell you about our session? Is that why she stayed so long?”

“No, no. She was visiting with Pamela. That’s all,” assured Sam.

Walking to one of the benches, Cas gestured to Sam to take a seat. Before Sam joined him, he began. “The session was difficult and I needed the space to think. It revealed some issues about myself…Issues I wished to avoid.” As Sam sat, Cas stared into his eyes with all the intensity of his angelic self.

The hunter looked away first. “I see it, you know. In your eyes. There has always been love in them. From the beginning when you looked at Dean, it was different then the way you looked at anyone else. Be they angel or human. Come to think of it, if I had been paying attention, I would have known it ran deeper.”

“How so?”

“Going back as early as Anna it was there. You were not only angry at Anna. You were jealous.”

Castiel huffed. “Yes, I suppose that was the emotion. However, at the time I didn’t understand my feelings on the matter.”

Leaning back, Sam smiled. “Not surprising. It was also in the conflicting emotions in your eyes when you touched Dean. Anger, fear and tenderness when you healed him.”

They sat in silence for several minutes. Both staring across the large yard. Taking in the beauty of their surroundings. The serenity of the space. It represented the antithesis of most of their lives since Castiel came to earth. Soaking in the heat of the sun, Cas found the strength to tell his friend the true nature of his despair. “Sam, I believe I am unworthy of your love. Of anyone’s love. And before you protest let me explain further. There is little value in an angel who does not serve a greater cause. For me, my cause shifted from heaven to humanity. Protecting you and Dean became my mission. Carrying out what you deemed necessary when it was within my power. My value was always subservient to you and your brother. Each time I failed in my mission, I became less significant. I tried to stand. Tried to continue the mission at all costs. That day in the car, I put myself before what I held most dear. His safety. And by doing so I tore asunder that which I would give my life to protect. In the process, I destroyed your relationship with your brother. I broke my bond with the one I love. I took away Charlie’s big brother. Even with all the destruction, I still selfishly want him. In any capacity I can have him. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

Heaving a deep sigh, Sam composed himself. “No Cas. It is not selfish or stupid. There are many things I want in my life. Things I need. Would you begrudge me for my wants? No, you would not. You give of yourself Cas. Sometimes to your own detriment. You sacrifice yourself, just as Dean does. You are two halves of the same whole. You belong together. Mind, body and soul. Nothing will ever change that. Not distance, not my brother’s stubbornness, not your self-denigration, not death. None of it can destroy the love you have for each other. And he does love you as he loves me.” Sam held up his hand to stop Castiel from interrupting. “Let me finish. The strength of his love is the same. Dean loves with his whole being. Where it differs is in the manifestation of that love. Dean is my big brother. He raised me. He feels responsible for me as a parent would for their child. I am his to protect. But with you Cas. I know he shares his worries and his vulnerability. I know he unburdens himself with you as you do with him. You find solace and strength in each other. And when you are separated he is afraid you will never return. The bond you have is not the same as the familial connection Dean and I share. To him it will always be more fragile and therefore more likely to be severed. He is wrong in that assumption because you my friend love in the same manner as my brother. With every fiber of your being, with every bit of grace, with every action and word, with your heart and soul. It is in your nature, Cas. Always has been and always will be.”

The angel tipped his head in confusion. “If all of that is true why did he leave?”

“Because he can give love but struggles to accept it in return. Like you he does not feel worthy.”

Hazel eyes stared into blue ones as Castiel chuckled. “It is funny. One of the first things I said to Dean was you don’t think you deserve to be saved. Ironic isn’t it. We both feel the same of ourselves.” He stopped for a second and then looked to the ground. “Don’t take this the wrong way Sam. I am not trying to criticize you, but you left Dean numerous times. Why does he view me so differently?”

“Cas that one is simple. My whole life is wrapped up in Dean. He knew when he came to Stanford that I would come. He knows in the end I will choose the only family I have. You on the other hand have many loyalties. You have options Cas.”

This time the angel outright laughed. “Fuck that, I haven’t had an option since I gripped your brother tight and raised him from perdition. I fell then and have fallen every day since. How is it possible that he does not know this? It’s absurd.” When Cas looked over at his friend, he saw his cheeks flushed scarlet and a shy smile on his face. “What?”

“It’s just strange to hear you swear. I’m not surprised by your candor, but that particular word…” Sam’s smile expanded and his strong arms engulfed Cas. “I’m so glad you’re here Cas.”

“Me, too. Sam.”


	16. A Dance of Healing

A week passed in relative peace, Cas felt calmer and more settled. The new feeling led to fewer seizures and his speech remained steady. Physically his body was recovering except for some lingering weakness in his limbs. His grace continued to work at healing his human body. Each attempt weakened his angelic abilities. Even with these issues, Castiel woke with an eye to the future. He worked at finding enjoyment in the little things. Walking in the garden, learning to cook, eating new foods, watching movies, reading books and learning to dance. The last took a lot of convincing.

“Cas, music will help keep your panic at bay, while we work on strengthening your muscles. And dancing will not only help your muscle tone but it will help with your dexterity and agility. If you ever plan on hunting again, you need to retrain your body.” Pamela worked on him for weeks. The words stuck with the angel and he repeated them to himself frequently. His excuses grew increasingly lame as time passed. Eventually, he gave up and agreed to dance.

During that time, no one heard from Bobby or Dean nor was anyone surprised by that fact. Coriel checked in twice to reassure them of their safety. Sam and Charlie even went on a few hunts while Cas continued his therapy. The angel was excited to see his friends getting their old lives back and offered support. He researched each case between his sessions. Darla recommended his return to his old activities within reason. Pamela however did not clear him for active participation in hunts.

“At some point you are going to have to let me hunt again.”

The psychic frowned and sighed deeply. “I know that Cas, but you are not ready. I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I care about you.”

Castiel smiled at his friend. “I care about you, too. And I appreciate your concern, but I need to find a purpose. I want to help people.”

“Angel, you are so sweet.” The glare she received from the other worldly being made Pamela smile cheekily. “That look isn’t going to change my opinion on that. I know you can be a badass, but to me you are kind and generous. And most importantly, loving. Every day you surprise me.”

The angel frowned at her depiction and said, “I want to be the person you are describing.”

“That’s just it. You are that person, but you need to see that in yourself.” Pamela walked across the room and took the angel in her arms. “You will get there Cas. I wasn’t sure before, especially after you hurt yourself, but now I see moments of happiness. You smile and laugh more. You spend less time in bed and participate in our daily lives. Cas these are all positive signs.”

Holding his friend, Castiel placed a kiss on the top of her head. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. It helps that I am surrounded by stubborn people who refuse to give up on me.”

“Include yourself in that statement, handsome. You are a fighter. This diversion did not work by the way.”

An innocent look settled on the blue-eyed angel’s face and he tilted his head questioningly. “Whatever do you mean?”

Dark eyes filled with mirth traveled the expanse of Castiel’s body before stopping on his eyes. “The clueless angel act hasn’t worked on me in months. It’s not going to start now. Get your ass ready for our dance lesson.”

The light-hearted teasing of his interactions with Pamela always brought him joy. Smiling and blushing, the angel decided to continue the banter. He pulled back, turned around and shook his ass. Pamela took the invitation and smacked his backside. “Hmm…it is a good ass, but that still isn’t going to get you out of your lesson. Go put the music on.”

In reality, Cas loved their time on the dance floor. The fluidity of the movements soothed something deep inside. The heat of the body pressed to his awakened powerful urges. And when he finally learned to led the dance he felt strong for the first time since the accident. His soul and grace soared as he took command. The intense feelings heightened when he saw the look of awe in Pamela’s eyes.

“Well, angel aren’t you a surprise.” Pamela’s voice was sultry as she smiled seductively.

“I aim to please, gorgeous,” responded Cas with a wink.

The psychic flushed. “Hmm…I think maybe I taught you too well, handsome.”

Castiel smiled and dipped his friend. Leaning over her he said, “So are you saying your work is done.”

“Not a chance. This is too much fun to stop now.” Pamela pressed her body to the angel as he pulled her upright. Cas lowered his head to whisper in her ear. Before he could speak, they heard stumbling footsteps near the door. They both looked in that direction to see Dean walking backwards. Retreating at a frenzied pace with a look of utter shock on his face. He was pale and sweating. His body shook as he moved. As he went to turn, the angel’s voice boomed across the space. “Dean. Stop!”

The green-eyed man froze and stared at the floor. Still visibly shaken, Dean tried to control his rapid breathing. After several seconds, he took a tentative step backwards only to be stopped by that deep gritty voice. Commanding and powerful Castiel said, “Do not even think about walking out that door.” When the hunter remained frozen, Cas crossed the room. “Pamela will you excuse us.”

“Handsome, I…”

Angrily the angel turned to his friend. The view was not what he expected. Pamela stood amongst his small family all with equal expressions of shock and trepidation. “Cas, I don’t think…” The angel glared at Sam.

“Do not finish that statement, Sam. I am capable of making my own decisions”

Charlie bravely stepped forward to take over for Sam. “We know that Cas, but the last time you saw Dean. It was bad. Really bad.”

“Yes, well things change. I am not the same as I was that day.”   Cas continued to glare and his voice remained resolute. The challenge was clear.

Sam stood in front of Charlie. “I don’t think we have a choice. If Cas needs this then we have to let him.”

“Dammit Sam. No one listened to me last time and I was right. I refrained from saying ‘I told you so’ because I was more concerned about Cas than gloating. Are we seriously going to let this happen again?”

The red-head’s words stung the angel and his demeanor shifted. He crossed the room in three powerful strides sweeping Charlie into his arms. “I know how hard this has been, but please have faith in me. Have faith in the work we have all done. I am stronger. I am loved and that is enough to hold me up.”

“All right, but you better not prove me right or I will smack you upside the head.”

“Of course, Charlie.” Castiel nodded at the others. Pamela reached out and took his hand, brushing her lips across his cheek. “You can do this,” she said as she squeezed his hand. Sam walked past the angel and clapped him on the back. “We are here if you need us.”

“Thanks Sam.” He watched his friends exit before turning a steely gaze on Dean. The hunter stood in the same spot, shifting from foot to foot. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.” The sound was weak and breathy.

“How about we take a walk in the garden?”

Dean nodded slightly and lifted his gaze. Fear and sadness greeted the angel. As their eyes locked, Castiel’s expression softened. “Dean.”

“Yeah, okay Cas. We can do that.” The hunter stood straighter and some color returned to his cheeks.

They walked silently out of the house and down the back stairs. When they reached the edge of the garden, Cas began to speak. “This home is the only one I have ever had. When we arrived the first time, I was overwhelmed. No one ever cared for my needs the way those three over-protective people have. At times it still surprises me. I do not feel worthy of their support and love, but eventually I learned to accept it. Sam and Charlie are dedicated to my recovery, but they miss you every day. I think about leaving so they can return to the bunker.”

“They wouldn’t.”

Cas stopped then and looked at Dean. “What do you mean?”

Dean huffed, “Come on Cas you know what I mean. They would look for you. They wouldn't come to the bunker.”

“I suppose you are correct. I just wish I could fix what I broke,” he said flatly with his usual candor.

“You didn’t break anything Castiel.” The angel’s breath caught at the use of his full name from those lips. “It’s true Cas. I am the one who broke everything. You didn’t do anything wrong. Being honest and forthright is not a fault. It is one of your greatest strengths and I’m sorry that I couldn’t accept it. I’m sorry that I didn’t accept you.” Tears clouded the beautiful green eyes that plagued Cas’ dreams.

The angel’s voice sounded broken and small when he said, “Dean, please don’t cry.”

“Not much chance of that Cas. It’s pretty much my go to these days. Facing your failings ain’t exactly easy, especially when my usual methods of dealing with this shit only make matters worse.”

Pain radiated through Castiel’s soul and his grace flickered. Unable to look at the hunter, he lifted his head to stare at the clear blue sky. He swallowed harshly and said, “I see.”

Without conscious thought Dean lashed out. “Looks like I’m not the only one.”

Cas turned to face Dean and his grace surged. His voice came out with traces of his angelic power. “What does that mean?” Anger emanated from Castiel and Dean cringed. Realizing his mistake too late, Dean continued down this destructive path. “It looks like you and Pamela have gotten pretty close.”

The wicked chuckle that erupted from the angel sent a shiver down Dean’s spine. “Yes, we are close. She has helped me heal in more ways than one. Does that bother you?”

“Um…I…fuck Cas. Yes, it bothers me. The way she was touching you and how you were looking at each other. I hated it and the way you talked to each other…”

Castiel raised his eyebrow and stared down the hunter. Dean backed up and cowered. “Are you jealous Dean?” The hunter shuddered under that imposing gaze. “Is that how you felt Dean? Because that is how I felt every time you flirted with women in front of me. Every time I had to listen to you talk about your conquests. And it sounds to me like that is what you have been doing all these months.”

Dean’s shoulders hunched and he walked dejectedly to the closest bench. He sat down gingerly and gripped the seat with both hands. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go. I came here to apologize not do whatever this is. I don’t have the right to question you. If you are in a relationship with Pamela she is a lucky woman. If she makes you happy then I am happy for you. It's what you deserve.”

“And what do you deserve Dean?”

“That’s easy. Nothing Cas. I deserve nothing. The way I treated you is unforgivable. The way I have treated Sam and Charlie through all this is…well it is unacceptable. Asking them to leave you…what the fuck have I become Cas. I don’t know who that person is. Claire said that to me you know, said I wasn’t the Dean Winchester she knew. That girl doesn’t pull any punches especially when it comes to you.”

The angel chuckled and a slight smile replaced his permanent scowl. “Righteous indignation is her usual countenance these days. May I ask you something Dean?”

“Sure Cas.”

“Why did you come to see me in the hospital only to fight with me?”

Standing and walking a few paces away, Dean slumped his shoulders. “That was the last thing I wanted to do when I showed up. Talking to Bobby and Liz, I realized how I have let fear rule me when it comes to you. Let’s be honest I don’t handle certain things well. Being afraid makes me angry and irrational. I say shit I shouldn’t. I yell instead of telling you how scared I am. I criticize instead of showing my feelings.” Dean halted at the use of that dreaded word.

“And what is it you feel?” Cas practically whispered the question, both hopeful and fearful of the answer.

Unable to bear the weight of his emotion, Dean collapsed to the ground. Castiel rushed to the hunter’s side. “Dean, Dean. Are you all right?” The man laughed mirthlessly. “I’m fine. I spend much of my time on the ground these days.” He looked up at those gorgeous blue eyes filled with concern and confusion. “I just find myself broken and so damn heavy. What have I done to us Cas?” Tears tracked down his face and Dean refused to hide them. Refused to hide his anguish, his guilt. Cas’ slender fingers tenderly wiped those tears away. Arms encircled the sobbing man as he felt the tingle of the angel’s grace and the sound of wings. Before he knew it, Dean was lifted from the ground and everything faded away.

When the world came back into focus, a familiar barn covered in symbols greeted his vision. “Do you remember this place?”

“Of course, I do. This is where you scared the ever-living shit out of me. Where my whole world view changed as I realized angels existed.”

“Hmm…This is also where I first learned of your self-hatred. You did not understand why an angel would save you.” Cas walked around the barn and turned to face Dean fully. Wings erupted from his back. Glorious black wings, shimmering with traces of blue and silver. The blue reflected in Cas’ eyes, making them even more captivating. The angel watched Dean as he took in the sight. He watched desire and fear war in the man’s soul. He knew that feeling well. It consumed him almost every day since he met Dean. “I felt the same that day. I did not feel worthy of being the one to save the righteous man. I did not feel worthy of touching your soul. It shined like a beacon and drew me in from the very beginning. I have learned something over these long months. There is no respite from that feeling. I will always be drawn to you Dean. You are my touchstone. But I am also learning to find strength in myself again. I am trying to learn my value outside of serving you.” His wings disappeared in a flash and a man stood before Dean once again.

The hunter smiled. “I’m glad Cas.” They stood then staring at each other. Enjoying the shared moment. “This place started it all. I feared the angel that day, but the fear that came later was all about the man.” Dean walked toward Castiel and dropped his head. Shame washed over him and he felt fragile, vulnerable.

“What do you mean?”

“Could we go somewhere else for this part of the discussion?” Dean asked nervously.

Castiel observed the hunter for a brief period before nodding. “Where would you like to go?”

“The park where we met after Samhain.”

“Of course, Dean.” In a flash they were there, seated just as they were all those years ago.

“This was where it started for me Cas. Where I began to think of you differently. I saw something in you that day and it scared me.” Dean turned to face the angel and smiled. “You were so open and honest about your doubts. In some ways I was jealous. It sounds stupid but it’s true. There were so many times I wanted to be free to let it all out. But I was a hunter, I was Dad’s soldier, I was Sam’s protector. What I wanted was irrelevant?” Standing up, Dean walked across the short expanse and sat next to Castiel. He waited until the angel turned to face him before speaking. “I think in many ways we lived a similar existence. You were a soldier of heaven, forced to follow the rules, and carry out the mission. But you broke free. You rebelled. And I was so damn proud of you Cas. I’m not sure I ever told you that.” 

Castiel stood up and walked toward the play structure. He stopped abruptly as he remembered that day. It was the first of many conversations he shared with Dean. They spoke of things he would never share with anyone until now. Therapy had taught him to unburden himself, unmask his feelings and confront them. Dean was no longer his only source for these conversations. “Back then you were all I had. The only one I could share my thoughts with, but that’s no longer the case. I’m not saying I am healed. Far from it, but I am better. I do not need you Dean.”

At those words, the green eyed-man stopped walking toward the angel. “Oh. Okay.” His voice was shaky as he continued, “That’s good. Um…I think we should get back. They will be worried about you and…well, I understand now. I’m just glad you were willing to talk with me. You all deserve to move forward and find the lives you want. I know it’s unfair of me to ask after everything I have done, but can I ask for a favor?”

With stiff shoulders and a blank look, Cas turned to face Dean. The hunter looked even more broken than when he had fallen to the ground. The sight shook the angel and he found himself agreeing. “Of course, Dean.”

“You don’t have to agree but would you mind if I came to visit Sam and Charlie sometimes. I won’t get in the way or bother you.” Dean’s tone was pleading and contrite. “I’m trying to change some things about myself and it’s hard without…to be honest, I’m not so good on my own Cas.”


	17. Taking Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos.

Stumbling forward Dean felt a firm grip on his elbow. “Little warning next time Cas.”

The angel smirked at the hunter, but before he could speak they were surrounded. The exasperated voice of a pissed off Charlie was accompanied by a shove to Dean’s shoulder. “What the hell did you do? Where did you go?”

“Charlie calm down. This was not Dean’s fault. I took him.” Castiel smiled with satisfaction.

Wide eyes stared at the angel. “You mean…”

“Yes, Charlie.”

Sam stepped into the angel’s personal space. “Cas, why would you risk that? Last time, you hurt yourself and it set you back weeks.”

“Sam’s right, handsome. I saw your wings after you flitted off.” Pamela choked up and then said, “They were so…” Castiel’s voice erupted, effectively cutting off her sentence. “Stop all of you. I am better now. Nothing happened.” He stared at each of them in turn challenging them to question him further. He watched as Sam, Charlie and Pamela closed their mouths tightly and hesitantly nodded.

“Now, I 'm tired so I would like to take a rest.” Cas took a step toward the house. He felt the presence of a body behind him before the touch even came. When Dean brushed Castiel’s arm, the angel flinched.

“Shit sorry Cas.”

“It’s all right Dean. What do you need?”

When Dean didn't speak for several seconds, Cas turned to face the hunter. Dean’s shoulders were stooped, his head was down. He radiated with shame and deference. “Dean I am tired. Just tell me what you want?”

“I know I have no right, but I was wondering if I could call you or at least text you and if you made a decision about me visiting the others.”

Castiel heard the vulnerability in Dean’s voice. “Dean, you have every right to visit your brother and Charlie.  Texting would be fine, but I can’t guarantee I will answer.”

“Thanks Cas.” Lifting his head Dean locked eyes on the angel and smiled timidly. Cas turned and walked into the house.

Before Dean even turned around, the others were talking all at once. “Stop, please. I’ll tell you what happened, but first I need to ask Pamela something in private.

Pamela nodded and walked a few feet away from the group. Dean approached slowly and asked in a quiet voice. “I wanted to check with you. Cas said I could text him, but I don’t want to create problems between you and Cas. I don’t want to hurt him again. So, if this will interfere with what you have going on with him then I won’t do it.”

The psychic chuckled at the hunter. “Dean there is nothing going on between me and the angel except friendship. Don’t get me wrong. He is a gorgeous man and the whole angel thing is definitely attractive but Cas is in the process of recovery. He is not ready to share himself that way with anyone.”

“Oh. It’s just I saw the way you looked at each other and how you touched…”

“Dean listen to me. This is not what you should be focusing on. Castiel is trying to find himself. He needs to be allowed the space to do that. If he agreed to the texting, then I won’t argue with his decision. But you need to be careful. You can’t put pressure on him or take it too far too fast. Do it on his terms.”

The hunter felt a weight lift off his shoulders, and he breathed freely for the first time in months. “Yeah, I can do that. He already told me that he might not respond.”

“Are we done?”

A genuine smile lit up Dean’s face. “Sure. Besides Charlie is practically bouncing up and down.”

Pamela and Dean joined the others. The four of them made their way into the house and into the kitchen. Sam broke the silence. Gesturing at Dean, he asked, “You want a beer?”

“Not a good idea.”

Confusion crossed Sam’s face. “Uh. Okay.”

“Don’t look at me like that Sam. It’s not a big deal. I’m just working on a few things.”

Unable to take the vagueness of the answer, Charlie asked, “What exactly does that mean?”

“Well, for one I'm trying to stop using alcohol as a crutch.” A collective gasp echoed around the room. “Guys really it’s not that big a deal. Now can we stop talking about me and get back to Cas.” When Sam nodded, Dean continued. “What happened when he tried to use his wings before?”

Sam stood and walked to the kitchen window. “You know he couldn’t fly for years, but he never really told us why. He always deflected when we talked about it, saying shit about being separated from the power of heaven. In reality, his wings were damaged. Torn and burned. Feathers torn out and broken.”

Breaking in on Sam’s description Pamela said, “That day I saw them before he could hide them away. I was in the garden when he landed. He was in visible pain. Hunched over and breathing heavy. When he spotted me, the wings disappeared and he stood. He tried to cover up his pain with indignation.”

Charlie laughed. “The indignation was probably truthful. He was angry at Sam and I when he flew off. We didn’t even know he could do that. It was only a few seconds when Pamela yelled from the back yard.”

“Okay so if that’s true. How was he able to fly me around?”

Finally turning from the window, Sam said, “That’s pretty obvious. He’s been holding out on us. And since he is not here to ask, how about we move on. What are you doing here and what happened?” Hazel eyes stared down at Dean.

“I came here to apologize to all of you. I wasn’t expecting Cas to talk to me after last time, but when he insisted I had no choice. I owe him at least that much. As far as what happened, he took me to the barn where we first met and then to the park. You know the one where he met me after the whole thing with Samhain.”

Everyone remained silent as Dean stood and walked to the fridge. His hands shook as he pulled out a soda. “I don’t know if he would want me to share what we talked about, but it wasn’t bad or anything. I think if you want to know more you need to ask him.”

Charlie shook her head. “I don’t like it, but I guess I understand.” The hunter crossed the room and placed his hand on Charlie’s shoulder. With a gentle squeeze he said, “Thank you.”

As Dean took his seat once again, Pamela said, “If we can’t talk about that, how about you answer some questions about what you’ve been up to.”

“And where is Bobby? Did he find you?” asked Sam.

Green eyes filled with affection. “Yeah the old curmudgeon found me and read me the riot act. It’s why I’m here. He helped me face some things about myself and I realized it was time to stop running.”

Sam looked at his older brother intently. “So, why is Bobby not with you?”

“He’s finishing up a few things for me, but I promise he will be back.” Dean’s smile faded as he added, “But Sam, he won’t be staying. His place is in heaven with Ellen.” The older brother winked.

Sam furrowed his brow. “Oh, OH.” His cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “Good for them.”

“Yeah, that’s what I told him.” Dean’s good mood slid away and his shoulders slumped again. “I wasn't fair to all of you. I let myself believe that because I prayed for help I'd done my share. But Bobby made me see that for the first time in my life I abdicated my responsibility. I left you. I walked away and lashed out when you tried to change my mind. I was selfish.” The hunter paused and looked around the room. He took in the personal touches and the homey furnishings. A pang of sadness was quickly replaced with relief and comfort. This was a real home. It was just as Cas had described. “Why didn’t I take the time to notice?” he whispered to himself, but Pamela overheard his question.

“Notice what Dean?”

He wryly laughed at himself. “That this is a real home. That after all these years…Sammy you found a home. And people to fill it with. How did I not notice?” Green eyes filled with tears. “And Jesus why can't I stop crying all the damn time?”

Standing to his full height in front of his big brother, Sam pulled Dean into a hug. “Because you were grieving.”

“What the fuck does that even mean Sam? No one died.”

“I know that, but it doesn’t change the fact that you lost someone. Cas was in a coma and even when he woke up something stood between the two of you.”

Charlie walked over and joined the hug. “Sam’s right Dean. Grief is powerful. I should know, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a healthier way of dealing with it.” Dean stepped out of the embrace, but Charlie gripped his arm. “And this could be your home, too.”

“I think we're a long way from that Red.”

“Maybe, but don’t shut the door on the idea.”

Dean turned to Pamela then and said, “You’ve been awfully quiet. What no advice?”

“I already gave you my advice Dean. And I will hold you to your answer.” The threat was clear in the psychic’s voice. It sent a shiver down Dean’s spine and he quickly nodded. A pall fell over the group.

They all sat in silence until Charlie stood with excitement. “What happens now, bitches?”

Shaking off the ominous feeling, Dean said, “First, Cas has agreed to let me visit you guys and also to let me text him. Second, I’m taking a break from hunting. I need to go back to the bunker for a few weeks and then I plan on coming to stay near you guys. If that’s all right?”

The exasperation evident on Pamela and Charlie’s faces was mimicked by the sound of Sam’s voice when he said, “What the hell Dean? We’ve been trying to get you to do that since the fucking accident. Why would we say no now?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m not sure of my place anymore Sammy.”

“Dean, no matter how angry I am with you, you are my family. That will never change.”

A weak smile and a nod accompanied Dean’s grateful words. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

“So, if you aren’t going to hunt what are you planning on doing.”

The green-eyed man laughed, “Believe it or not I got a job.”

“What? How?” asked Sam.

“That’s a long story.”

Charlie stared at Dean with a measure of acceptance in her eyes. “We’ve got time.”


	18. Hunter for Life? Maybe Not

Dean skimmed over the details of the first few months after the accident. Mentioning a few hunts, some trips to bars to hustle pool and drink. He talked about it as separate from himself. Nothing personal or emotional was said during this part of the talk, but then the conversation shifted after the visit to the house in which he witnessed Cas’ seizure. “I kinda lost it. I went on a bender and didn’t let up until you called to say he was back in the hospital. I wasn’t sure I should even bother showing up, but Jody and Claire were relentless. What I saw in that room overwhelmed me and then I said something stupid as usual. So, I fled. For the next month, I spent most of my time drinking. I managed to hunt a few times, but only if there was no one else to do the job. I stuck close to the bunker. Ran out of money a few times. Lost a lot of weight.”

At that moment it was as if Dean shifted into the past. His eyes lost focus and his voice faded. The story came out in starts and stops. “I couldn’t concentrate. I was so stupid. I went into hunts without planning. Forgot to check my weapons. Little mistakes I had never made before. I got knocked around a lot, so eventually I backed off on hunting. It seemed like the right choice but without hunting there wasn’t anything else to occupy my mind. I fell into my old patterns. I basically drank and fucked until even that failed.”

Anguish filled Dean’s eyes as he came back to himself. “And before you say anything Sammy, I know it’s a shit way to deal with things, but it’s all I knew. When even that didn’t work, I drove. Turned up the music, put the windows down and drove for hours with no destination in mind. Until I decided I had to see the ocean. No fucking clue where that thought came from, but I hopped in the car and was on the road in a flash. Got a weird ass visit from Crowley about two hours from Vegas.”

Sam interrupted then. “What the hell did he want?”

“No fucking clue. He said some cryptic shit about a romance novel. Said you and Charlie sent him and then talked about Cas. Called him our angel. I was pissed that he called Cas that and then he left when I screamed at him”

“That’s makes absolutely no sense, so it fits his usual M.O.”

There was a brief moment of silence in which everyone contemplated Crowley’s motives until Charlie asked, “What happened then?”

“Simple, I drove into Vegas and had a good time. Won some money and drank a little. Picked up a woman from the bar and went to her hotel room. Man, you should have seen her Sam. She was hot.”

Sam glared at his brother, clenched his fists and said, “Dean.”

All the swagger left Dean’s body and he curled in on himself. “Some habits are harder to break than others. If it helps, Liz is the one who made me face some truths about myself. The night sure didn’t end the way my usual one-stands did. Don’t get me wrong the sex was good.”

Now it was Charlie’s turn to glare at Dean and reprimand him. “I don’t want to know about your sex life Dean. Get on with the damn story.”

With flushed cheeks the hunter apologized before continuing. “Somehow she figured out I was messed up over someone else.”

“How the hell did she do that?”

Dean winced, “Now, Sam don’t go ballistic, but she was a cop. A detective actually.”

Sam eyes opened wide, but he kept his mouth shut. “And not to piss you off more, but I kinda told her my name was Dean and I didn’t have a weapon or holy water or even salt on me.”

“What the fuck Dean? What were you thinking?”

The green-eyed hunter scoffed, “That’s the whole point. I wasn’t. I haven’t been for a while. Strange though in this case it worked out. Liz saw right through me. She noticed after our initial contact that I wouldn’t look her in the eye. She was already suspicious, but then I pulled out before I was done.”

“Eww. Gross Dean. Stop with the sex talk.” Charlie’s cheeks practically matched the color of her hair.

Moving the conversation along, Pamela asked, “And what exactly did that tell her.”

“That I wanted it to be someone else. She called me out on it and when said talked about the woman I must be hung-up on I flinched. I don’t know, but somehow, she just knew about me. About my…” Dean looked at Sam with fear in his eyes.

“Whatever it is you can tell me,” said Sam with sympathy.

“Yeah, um…would it be all right if I talked to Charlie first?”

Without a word, Sam and Pamela stood and walked out of the room. Dean froze as he looked at his friend. “Dean, you need to let this out before it eats you up completely.”

Her words broke through his downward spiral and on a heavy sigh he said, “She knew I was bisexual.” His whole body shuddered at the admission.

“It’s okay Dean. You’re okay. This isn’t a bad thing.”

“I know but I’ve been pretending for so long. Even in this conversation I fell back into the cocky ladies’ man. Pathetic, right?”

With reassurance, Charlie grabbed Dean’s hand. “Not at all Dean. It’s hard to come out and just because you acknowledged your sexuality doesn’t mean everything will be smooth sailing.”

The six-foot one hunter collapsed into the tiny arms of his friend. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. And I don’t want to pressure you, but Sam will understand. His opinion of you won’t change.”

“My brain tells me that, but the rest of me…”

Charlie pulled back to look in Dean’s eyes. “I thought you were the rip-the-bandaid off kind of guy. Isn’t this one of those times where that would work best?”

“I suppose you’re right.” Steeling himself, Dean stood and walked to the living room. Charlie close on his heels. At the first sight of his younger brother, the hunter faulted but Charlie was there to push him forward.

Sam stood and approached Dean. They stared at each other in silence before Sam nodded and turned to take a seat. Dean followed his brother to the couch. As he sat, his eyes focused on Charlie. With her encouraging smile, Dean said, “I’m bisexual.”

“Well it’s about damn time,” said Sam with exasperation.

Charlie quickly admonished the shaggy haired hunter. “Sam. You need to listen and not criticize.”

“Shit. I’m sorry Dean. I wasn’t trying to criticize you.”

“It’s all right Sammy.” Dean shifted nervously as he turned to look at his brother. “So, this doesn’t bother you.”

Sam’s eyes filled with concern. “Of course not. You’re my big brother and I love you. All I’ve ever wanted for you was to accept yourself. To love yourself.”

The huff was immediate. “Not sure that’s possible Sammy.”

“I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong because I know you won’t believe me. But I will tell you I believe in you.”

Sheepishly Dean said, “Thanks.”

Pamela smiled at the brothers. “Okay now that the big reveal happened how about you tell us about this job?”

“Oh, that’s a whole other story. I suppose you know Bobby came to find me.” Dean frowned at Sam. “Would have been nice for a heads up on that.” The younger brother shrugged in response. “Fine. Well Bobby showed up at my hotel right after I left Liz. Shocked the hell out of me so I went to grab a weapon and realized I was unarmed. Boy I tell you the old coot took me to task for that. When he was done dressing me down, he laid into me for leaving all of you.” Blushing profusely, he continued, “It was like being a kid again. He called me out for being a chicken-shit and an asshole. Demanded to know how I was going to fix it and wouldn’t let up until I agreed to try.”

Dean took in his surroundings once again. He noticed the way his brother was leaning forward intently listening, how Charlie’s leg never stopped moving and the mischievous smile on Pamela’s face. The smile intrigued him and his gaze froze on the psychic. “Dean, Bobby left a long ass time ago.”

The hunter smiled, “Yeah.”

“That’s it. Yeah. What does that even mean?” Charlie questioned.

“It means I had a lot of work to do before I could come back here. I lot to sort out and plan and I needed Bobby’s help to do it. He’s the one that got me a job.” Dean smiled as he slid into the memory of his time with Bobby.

 

 

After the long discussion in the diner, the two hunters made their way to the bunker. Bobby eyes practically popped out of his head at the massive library. “This woulda been nice in my day.” Dean agreed and then took Bobby on a tour of the rest of the bunker. When they were seated at one of the tables in the library, the older man said, “I’m glad you boys found a home.”

“A year ago, I would have agreed with you, but after seeing where Sam is living now my opinion has changed. This is a like living in a military installation. The house Charlie and Sam found for Cas is a real home. It has a garden and bee hives. Their personal touches are scattered around the place. It’s cluttered and comfortable. Not industrial like this place.” Sadness dripped from every word.

Bobby watched the younger man struggle to compose himself. “Dean, it’s all right to miss them and to wish you were there. No one would begrudge you that.”

“I wish that were true, Bobby, but we both know I burned quite a few bridges. It’s the reason you’re here.”

“Yeah, I suppose it is.” A rare tenderness flooded the old hunter’s eyes. “But that is not the only reason. I came here for you, too. Living the way you are is going to kill you, Dean. I don’t want you to have regrets. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t at least try to repair your relationships.”

Dropping his head to the table, the younger man sighed before lifting his head and dropping it on the table repeatedly. Dean had come to terms with all of this over a month ago, but he had no idea what to do with that realization. Despite his long talk with Bobby, the younger man was still floundering. Every time he had an idea he talked himself out of it. Never believing it was good enough. The situation was delicate and Dean was not a delicate man. With that thought, Dean lifted his head to stare at his surrogate father. “I want to go home and my home is with them not some place. But how do I make that happen.”

“Sitting here whacking your head into the table ain’t the solution so get your ass up and make me some damn food. After we eat we’ll figure something out.”

Hours later, Dean felt lighter. He hadn’t had a drink in days and his mind was clear. With Bobby’s help, he realized that living in the bunker alone was not going to work. If he was going to get his family back he would need to be near them. That also meant he would not be hunting.

“I’ll need a job or I’ll go crazy, especially since I won’t be drinking. I can’t just sit around on my hands.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let me figure that out. It may take a few weeks but I’ll take care of it. What are you planning to do until then?”

Dean looked at his friend. “I have a few ideas and I’ll need your help with that too.”

For the next few weeks the two hunters worked together seamlessly until Bobby approached Dean. “Before we go any further, I think you need to go talk to them.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea Bobby? We don’t have everything in place.”

“Waiting isn’t helping anyone. You need to apologize and tell them you’re going to move up there. Besides you need to go introduce yourself to your new boss. She wants to show you around the shop before you start.”

“Wait. You got me a job. How?”

“An old friend of Ellen’s owns a restoration shop. It’s about an hour from the house.” Bobby looked pleased with himself when he added, “Becca’s a retired hunter and she wants to meet the famous Dean Winchester.”

 

Dean stopped his story and stared at his brother with a smirk on his face. “So that’s how I got a job.”

Sam frowned at Dean and said sarcastically, “I’m sure that’s exactly what Bobby said and that you just accepted it right off the bat.”

“Okay so I left the part out about him telling her I’m an idjit.”

“Now that sounds like Bobby.” Sam waited for Dean to speak. When he remained silent, the younger hunter prodded for further details. “So, you just agreed to this.”

Dean frowned at his brother. “Not right away, but Bobby’s a pretty good salesman. Besides, all of you are taking a break from hunting for the most part and getting a chance to see how the other half lives. I figure I should give it a shot. Never know when I won’t be fit enough to hunt anymore.”

Wide eyes and open mouths greeted Dean’s statement. “Umm…Wow. You’re actually thinking about retiring from hunting someday,” said Charlie as Sam was struck mute.

“Is it that surprising?”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Dean? I never thought this day would come,” responded an incredulous Sam.

“Surprise!” said Dean as he laughed sheepishly.


	19. The King's Warning

Unbeknownst to everyone in the kitchen, Castiel remained awake and his angel-hearing allowed him to listen in on their conversation. The whole thing intrigued him, but he also felt a rise of anxiety. When Dean began to speak of the woman named Liz, his anxiety increased. Before the panic fully set in, he escaped to the backyard. He tried to use the techniques Darla taught him. Breathing slowly, Cas focused on his body and its functions. Eventually, his body responded, his heartbeat slowed and he breathed easily. Part of him wanted to fly off again, but he knew his grace was too depleted. He was stuck here while Dean sat in the house. The thought made him second guess his acceptance of Dean’s presence. It appeared he wasn’t ready to hear about the hunter’s life. He would need to make other arrangements for when Dean visited.

As his mind ran through ideas of ways to avoid Dean, he felt a presence behind him. “Hello, Crowley.” The disdain was evident in his voice.

“Is that any way to greet your old friend?”

“You are not nor will you ever be my friend.” Castiel turned to glare at the King of Hell. His eyes blazed with grace. “Why are you here?”

Crowley chuckled as he swept his eyes over the angel’s body. “I see you aren’t impotent anymore.”

The angel growled as he clenched his jaw and fists. “Calm down," said Crowley. "I’m not here to cause a problem. Besides you should be thanking me for bringing your boy home.”

Blue eyes flared again as rage filled the angel. “You have no control over Dean.”

“Ah…so you admit he is your boy. Interesting.”

This time Cas simply shook his head repeating his earlier question. “Why are you here?”

“You suck the fun out of everything.” Crowley flashed a wicked smile before frowning. “Fine. I have been hearing some chatter about angels and your name has come up a few times.”

Castiel studied the demon looking for the lie in his statement. Something about Crowley’s demeanor gave the angel pause. It triggered the same feeling of apprehension he encountered in Coriel’s presence. Unwilling to ignore his misgivings as he had done in the past, the angel chose to listen to Crowley. “What have you heard?”

“Nothing concrete yet, but there is definitely someone interested in the workings of angels. And it is possible they are interested in you specifically.”

Cas tilted his head as he parsed the demon’s words. “The workings of angels?”

The smell of sulfur radiated as Crowley grew tense. Cas recognized the shift for what it truly was. “You’re afraid. That’s why you’re here.”

“Sources with knowledge of angels are disappearing. Books, scrolls, demons, hunters vanishing without a trace. Every trail I follow goes cold.” Frustration was evident as the King of Hell’s voice came out in a higher pitch. “I always find what I’m after, but this…”

The angel walked across the yard to take a seat. He sighed heavily as he lowered himself to the bench. “What is it you want me to do? I am hardly at full strength.”

“Once it would be nice if you boys would recognize my friendship. I came to warn you not ask for your help. I know about your…” Crowley struggled to finish the sentence before settling on, “…issues.”

The angel’s wings manifested with a crackle and flicker of lightning. The demon held up his hands in supplication. “Castiel. I meant no offense. Well, only a slight offense. King of Hell after all, but what I meant was until you’re healed you are in danger.” Crowley disappeared before Cas could respond.

Sitting quietly for several minutes, Cas mulled over Crowley’s warning. It was rare for the demon to proactively protect either the boys or Castiel. Cas debated whether he should keep this information to himself or share the visit with the others. The fact that Crowley came to warn them demonstrated the severity of the issue. The decision was essentially out of the angel’s hands. Standing, Cas took a deep breath and looked to the sky before he made his way to the house.

“Cas is that you?” Sam’s voice echoed through the house.

Instead of yelling, Castiel walked to the kitchen. “Yes, Sam.” The angel looked around taking in the entire room.

“He’s gone,” said Charlie carefully. Cas nodded at his friend. “Were you outside?”

“Yes, I needed…” The angel stopped briefly. “…to be apart. However, I had a visitor.”

Sam looked perplexed, “Who would visit you in the yard?”

“Crowley,” said Cas in a deep irritated tone.

Sam huffed and Cas tipped his head in understanding. “He visited Dean as well. Dropped into the Impala out of the blue.”

“Did he warn him, too?”

The hunter shook his head. “No, he said something to piss Dean off and then left. What did he say to you?”

Pulling out a chair at the table, Castiel sat as he said, “It appears someone is searching for information about angels.” The angel took in the steady heartbeats and even breathing of his companions. “You knew?”

Charlie dropped her head. “We suspected.”

Anger flared inside the angel. “And you didn’t tell me.”

“We didn’t want to worry you before we knew anything concrete. You were just starting to get better.” The red-head pleaded for understanding.

Her expression tugged at Castiel’s heart and his anger deflated. “I understand, but I’m better now. You should have told me.”

Sam and Charlie nodded their agreement. “A couple of hunters went missing. They weren’t on a hunt and were a couple hundred miles apart. Their home bases were ransacked and the only items missing were books dealing with angels and demons,” said Sam.

“Crowley said something similar. Although he also mentioned the disappearance of some demons. He has been unable to follow the trail, but he had concluded whatever took them is searching for resources on angels.” Castiel stared at Sam until the hunter lowered his head. “And more specifically, me.”

Charlie frowned at the angel. “Umm, don’t you think you should have led with that.”

“Why? It changes nothing.”

“Dammit Cas. Of course, it changes things. You are our family. We protect our family.” Sam stood to his full height and looked down at the angel. “You need to accept that we’re here for you and we are not going anywhere.”

The next hour was spent going over details about the missing hunters and their resources. They also discussed possible plans for gathering more information. With Castiel still healing, they realized they needed help. Dean and Bobby would have to be informed, as well as Coriel. The angel needed to be warned about the potential threat. It was decided that Sam would contact Crowley to ascertain any other information he possessed. Castiel would contact Coriel, and Charlie would deal with Bobby and Dean.

Pamela entered the room as they were finishing their discussion. “What is it?”

“How did you know?”

“Duh, psychic remember?”

Charlie laughed, “Sorry I forget sometimes. Crowley stopped by to warn Cas.”

“The King of Hell was here?” Pamela sounded frustrated by this latest development. “And what exactly did he say?”

“Based on what we already suspected and Crowley’s information, it appears someone is hunting angels,” said Sam matter-of-factly.

Castiel warned, “Sam, we have no proof they are hunting them just that they are researching them.”

“Bullshit, if Crowley came to warn you, we know it’s serious. And if you thought it was just research, you wouldn’t have told us.” Sam raised his eyebrow as if to challenge Castiel to argue the point. When Cas sat silently, the hunter said, “That’s what I thought.”

Taking a seat next to Castiel, Pamela interjected herself into their stand-off. “Now that you two are done peacocking at each other, what’s the plan?”

 

An hour later, exhausted from the conversation and the stress of seeing Dean, Cas requested they shelve the discussion for another day. The three others immediately agreed. They plowed ahead with their previous plans for taco night and board games. Ever since his time in the psychiatric hospital Cas had enjoyed the simple competition of cards and games. Over the months of his recovery, he found joy in these interactions. Movie nights, bowling nights, game nights. Charlie was even attempting to teach him a few video games. The laughter on those particular nights brought a new level of happiness to the angel. This is what had been missing from so much of his existence. Camaraderie for the sake of camaraderie. Instead of camaraderie for the sake of mission.

The new dynamic was healing a part of Castiel he never allowed himself to acknowledge. The part that needed life without duty, loyalty without demand, love without strictures. It was the part other angels found most contemptible about Cas because it harkened to his humanity. Without their interference or retraining, the blue-eyed angel was finding the inner workings of his very essence. The thing that made him unique. The part which when free of barriers developed into a fledgling soul. And now with the care and support of their little family, the angel’s soul was recovering at the same rate as his grace. Each passing day brought less anxiety, fewer depressive thoughts and an inner confidence.

As Charlie set up the next game, Castiel heard a voice in his head that sounded like Sam's repetitively saying ‘bullshit.’ Calling him out for not recognizing his value and their loyalty and love. Despite his growing confidence, he still fell into old patterns and he knew Dean’s visit triggered not only his anxiety but also some of his negative thoughts. “I will not let this control me.”

“Cas?” Pamela said as three sets of eyes settled on him.

“What?” he asked in confusion.

“Uh…what did you mean by that?”

His confusion increasing the angel squinted at his friend before realization dawned. “Oh. I said that out loud?”

Three heads nodded. “I…I…w…was.” Stopping to compose himself, the angel waited until he was sure he could control the stutter. “I was thinking about my reactions to certain situations and people. I want to gain control over myself.”

Sam, in a quiet voice, asked, “Do you mean Dean?”

“Well, yes. He is one of the triggers, but there are others.” Cas smiled shyly at his friend.

“I know seeing Dean, or even talking about him, is still difficult for you. And we were just working up to having him visit.” Sam hesitated nervously on almost every word.

Getting frustrated with the overprotective approach, Cas said, “Spit it out, Sam.”

“With the recent discovery, Dean will be around more than planned. Are you going to be okay with that?”

Before answering, he sat down in front of the Monopoly board. “I don’t know why we continue to play this game Charlie. You have no patience for the amount of time required to play a full game.”

“Nice try, buddy. Answer Sam’s question.”

Rolling his eyes dramatically, Castiel said, “I will learn to deal with it.” He held up his hand to stave off their responses. “I will require your help. Sometimes I may need a distraction or I may need to leave.”

Charlie smiled, “We can do that Cas.”

“More than happy to take you out handsome. The looks we get.” Pamela winked at the angel.

Exasperated Sam said, “Really, Pamela?”

“Oh. Are you jealous Sam?” chuckled the psychic.

The hunter blushed and sputtered, “No,” as the others laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working on editing the next chapter. It should be out soon.


	20. Are We Talking About Feelings?

Despite the discussions, Dean did not visit for two full weeks. The household settled into a routine during that time. Part of each day was spent on research into the disappearances. Several times a week, Charlie and Sam went out on hunts or following a lead. Pamela rarely left unless she had a vision. Castiel was yet to be left alone. Fearing he was a target, the others convinced him to stay within the warded barrier. He grew frustrated and began to feel trapped. He itched to use his wings and fly free again. With each passing day, his depression worsened. The day he refused to leave the bed Darla was called. She quickly made a decision.

“I know you’re worried about his safety, but what you’re doing now is damaging him. Castiel has made incredible progress this last month and I can’t allow your actions to wash it all away. He needs some measure of freedom.”

Charlie groaned before saying, “I understand, but we have no idea what’s out there.”

“Do we ever really know?” posed the blue-eyed angel.

A heavy sigh greeted his question. “I guess not, but we can’t just let you go without precautions.”

“Of course, Charlie. I don’t want to endanger myself or anyone else,” said Cas in a solemn voice.

“I’m glad to hear that, Cas,” said Sam as he clapped him on the back. “We may all need to add some protection tattoos and carry some hex bags.”

The screen door banged as a voice said, “Fuckin’ hex bags. Just what I always wanted.” Everyone turned to see Dean standing hesitantly in the doorway. Tension filled the room. “Sorry for just showing up, but Bobby told me we have a problem. He wouldn’t go into detail…” The hunter paused and rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s all right, Dean. Charlie and I were planning on coming to see you this week anyway,” said Sam.

“Oh, that’s good.” Shifting his gaze to Cas, Dean shakily asked, “Uh…um…is it all right with you Cas. Um…that I’m here.”

“That depends.”

Confused, Dean asked, “Oh…on what?”

“If you can convince everyone, we need to continue to live our lives,” said Cas succinctly.

Dean looked around the room for some clarification. “Does somebody want to explain what’s happening?”

 

An hour later, Dean was practically crawling out of his seat. He was trying desperately to keep his anger in check and not reach for the nearest alcohol. Were they ever allowed peace? Cas deserved to find happiness and now something or someone was fucking it up again. Dean’s skin itched with the need to hunt the damn thing, but there was no target yet.

“You need to calm down, Dean. You’re practically twitching.” Sam placed his hand on his brother’s knee to stop the constant shaking.

“Calm down. Calm down,” seethed Dean.

Charlie reached for Dean’s arm to gain his attention. “Yes, Dean. Calm down.” As the hunter’s eyes met hers, she cocked her head in Castiel’s direction and mouthed, “Look at him.”

Castiel head was down and his hands were clenched in his lap. The sight made Dean’s breath hitch. “Sorry, you’re right. Getting mad isn’t fixing anything.” At those words, Cas’ head snapped up and he stared at Dean in shocked surprise. The hunter responded with a weak shoulder shrug and a half-smile. “I am trying, Cas.”

The angel tipped his head and quirked his lips. Everyone remained silent as the angel and the hunter continued to stare at each other. Dean was first to break eye contact. Shaking himself out of the intense moment, he asked, “So, I believe this conversation started with a request about living our lives. How we planning on doing that?” Before anyone could answer, Castiel slumped over the table. Panicking Dean said, “Shit. What’s happening?”

“It’s okay Dean. He’s just exhausted.” Pamela inclined her head to address the angel. “Right, sweetheart?” Castiel lifted his head warily and then nodded. “I’m going to get him to bed. Feel free to continue without me.” The psychic reached out and took Cas’ hand. Helping him stand she looped her arm around his waist and escorted him to his room.

When he heard the door click, Dean asked, “How often does that happen?”

“Not as often anymore. Although his depression is back now that he is stuck at the house,” said Charlie.

With a sad smile, Sam nodded, “It’s why he asked you to convince us to live. He wants to hold onto the life we’re building here.”

“If anyone deserves that, it’s Cas. We have to fix this. I fucked up and hurt him. He’s still suffering because of it and I need to do something to help. If you’ll let me,” pleaded Dean with a tense expression.

Charlie reached out and hugged him. “Dean, no one would stop you from helping. The problem is we don’t know where to start.”

“A good start would have been to include me. I am a pretty good hunter.”

Leaning back the red-head stared in his eyes. “You were just starting your new job. We wanted you to have a chance to settle into that life.”

Dean sat back in his chair and thought about the recent changes in his life. “I appreciate that, but if something is threatening my family I need to help. Period.” Sam and Charlie nodded. “Good, now my job might actually be a blessing. Becca is retired but she has connections just like Bobby had in the old days.”

“Are you sure about including her?” asked Sam with concern.

“Bobby trusts her and that’s good enough for me.”

Sam stood, walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. “That’s not my only concern. She retired for a reason and we don’t exactly have a great track record in keeping the people who help us safe.”

Rubbing his hand down his face in clear frustration and guilt, Dean sighed, “Yeah Sammy I know, but this is Cas. I have to ask. I have no choice.”

The three friends continued to discuss the situation for several more minutes until Pamela entered the room. The conversation halted immediately. All eyes trained on the psychic. “He’s fine. You can stop worrying. This situation is making us all tired, but for him it’s harder. I hate to say it but Darla is right. We are making him worse. He hasn’t been this exhausted and depressed since….” Her voice faltered and her eyes found Dean.

“No need to stop on my account. I know what role I’ve played.” Dean smiled weakly, “I know most of this is my fault.”

Sam slammed his hand down on the table. “All of this blaming is not helping anyone. Cas blames himself. You blame yourself. Charlie and I feel guilty as sin for insisting he tell you. Pamela feels guilty every time Cas has a setback. We all need to stop. We have to move forward. And now we have work to do.”

Tears welled in Dean’s eyes. He swiped them away quickly, but they did not go unnoticed. “Dean,” Charlie whispered sorrowfully.

The hunter dropped his head and twisted his hands in his shirt. The quiet of the room engulfed him as he let himself feel. The process was new and still so very difficult for him after decades of burying his feelings beneath snark and charm. He no longer allowed himself to hide. He no longer drowned his feelings in alcohol. Instead, Dean let them bleed. He let them flow out of his soul. Let them tear at him and gut him until he could no longer look away or lock them up. And then he embraced them. Dean understood Castiel’s exhaustion because he felt it, too. Drained and tear stained, Dean lifted his head to see that only Sam remained. “Where…?” his voice cracked, raw and painful.

“They went to watch a movie. Figured you needed some privacy.” Sam’s half-smile was strained. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, Sam,” said Dean meekly.

Sam’s eyebrows shot up. “Uh…wasn’t really expecting that answer.”

“I guess I’m full of surprises these days.” Dean smiled at his brother, feeling the tightness of his salt-stained cheeks. “I am so tired, Sammy. Don’t get me wrong. I love the new job and am grateful that I get to see you guys more now, but I just worry it’s all too late. I already knew I had an uphill battle when it came to Cas, but I wasn’t expecting him to be in danger on top of everything else. Shit has been so quiet with the Alphas gone, Crowley regaining control of hell and the angels sticking mostly to heaven. Hunting was more like the old days. A monster or spirit here and there. I guess I was hoping we’d have some time. Aren’t we due some time?”

Sadness radiated from the green-eyed hunter’s body. His fists clenched and his body heaved with deep rattling breaths. He waited and watched his younger brother, understanding his need to stop and think. Dean was becoming familiar with the need to pause, to reflect. It was uncommon for a man who spent most of his life moving, running and throwing himself into any situation. His time with Bobby allowed Dean to slow down his racing mind and to calm his restlessness. It was why in this moment he could remain patient.

Several heartbeats later, Sam finally broke through his older brother’s thoughts. “When we moved here, I thought it was just so Cas had a place to heal near the hospital. But this place is so much more than that. We made it a home and I think we all lost ourselves in the comfort. I wanted to lean into this new existence, but part of me always feared what was coming because this is us. Two hunters and an angel who took on heaven and hell. I wish it meant we were due some peace.”

They both shook their heads and laughed before Dean said sincerely, “Me, too, Sammy. Me, too.”


	21. Angels and Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a quick one. Next chapter should be out soon.

The angel entered the King’s Chamber and every black-eyed demon scurried away. Leaving the King of Hell alone and unguarded. “Nice to see you have loyal supporters.”

A sarcastic chuckle erupted from the demon. “Well. They are demons after all.”

“I see what you mean. But they sure scurried off in a hurry. I didn’t realize I was so intimidating.”

Crowley smirked, “You’re really not. They’re just well-trained. They know I don’t want them here.” He gestured between himself and the angel. “Now, why are you here Coriel?”

“We have a problem. One of the hunters that went missing knows a great deal about my kind. I have searched but can’t find a trace of him. I need your help.” The last sentence came out strained and bitter.

“Ohh…I bet that hurt to say. An angel needing a demon. Isn’t this fun?” Crowley studied Coriel waiting for the angel to answer. “Fine. Let’s get down to business. Angels are always so damn serious. It’s rather annoying.”

“Crowley, we don’t have time to waste. There are no other angels willing to help so we need some other plan.”

The demon huffed. “Like that’s a big surprise. The only angel worth anything is the one in danger so I wasn’t actually expecting a different answer. I did warn you of the stupidity of your endeavor.”

Coriel walked across the room. Eyes glowing and wings flaring into existence. “WE DO NOT have time for this.”

“Wow didn’t see that coming. Maybe I spoke too soon. There may be one other angel worth my time.” Crowley leered at Coriel. “Feisty, I like it.” The angel glared at the demon. “All right, we’ll save that discussion for later. I believe I had better luck than you.” Crowley gestured to the door as it slowly opened revealing a small figure standing in the dark. Despite the being’s small stature, power radiated, flowing and filling the space. Dark hair, dark eyes and a sneer greeted the angel. The intensity increased with each step the demon took. Crowley clapped as he said, “Nice entrance, Meg. Always knew you had a flare for the dramatic.”

In a sultry voice, Meg said, “I learned from the best.” Turning away from Crowley, Meg’s eyes trailed over Coriel’s body. “Not much to look at is she.”

“No, but she’s got some juice. I’ve seen it in action.” Crowley stood from his chair and approached the other demon. “Meg, Coriel. Coriel. Meg. Now that you have been introduced, let’s get to work.”

Meg stared at the angel for several seconds with a hint of recognition in her black eyes. As fast as it came it disappeared leaving a feeling of unease. Shaking off the feeling, Meg took a step forward into the angel’s personal space. “Why are you interested in my little tree-topper?”

Taking a step back, Coriel said, “I assume you mean Castiel.” Meg nodded so the angel continued, “He needs protection. He has always been important, our father deemed it so. Castiel is the best of us even if the others don’t understand it. We are all in danger if the wrong beings get their hands on him.”

“Bout time one of you idiots understood his worth. I could have told you that years ago. No one appreciated him. The angel who valued a demon to such an extent that she was willing to lay down her life for him.” Meg’s mouth twitched as her black eyes flicked away, suddenly more woman than demon.

The angel’s grace flared with confusion. “You care about him?”

Meg frowned at Coriel. “Well someone has to. The idiot never cares for himself and as for the Winchesters, they could never see past each other to care for him.”

“Meg,” Crowley scolded, “I didn’t bring your skinny ass back to snipe and complain about Moose and Squirrel.” Ignoring Meg’s bitch-face, the King of Hell turned to Coriel. “As you can see, Meg for reasons I do not understand is dedicated to feathers, so I'm sending her to watch over him. Which will give us time to search for answers.”

 

After watching Coriel make her exit, Meg turned to Crowley. “There is something familiar about that angel. She isn’t what she seems.”

“That may be,” frustration made Crowley’s voice shrill. “But right now, we need her. As much as it pains me to say.”

Meg sauntered across the room with a look of disdain. “I guess we’re all working with those we don’t trust.”

Voice dripping with sarcasm, Crowley said, “Hmm…are you saying you don’t trust me? I don’t see why not.”

“Could be the torture. Or the destruction of my favorite vessel. Take your pick.”

“I did bring you back so can’t we put all that ugliness behind us.” The King smirked as he approached Meg.

She squared her shoulders as she said, “And why is that? Why are you involved? Could it be your soft spot for a certain Winchester?”

“Enough of this. You need to go and be sure to say hi to our little angel for me.”

Without another word spoken, Meg walked out the door, only looking back to glare at Crowley.

 

Sensing a familiar presence, Castiel stepped up to the living room window. Surprised by the sight before him, he quickly made for the door. Once he stepped onto the porch the lone figure approached. “Well, well, well, it’s good to see you, Clarence? It’s been a while.”

“Hello Meg. It’s good to see you, too.” The angel smiled at the dark-haired beauty. “I see you got your old body back.”

The demon chuckled darkly. “To my utter surprise it was our dear friend Crowley who provided my favorite meat suit.”

“Meg.” Cas’ tone was fierce and commanding.

“Fine I won’t call it a meat suit.” She smirked at the angel.

The angel raised his eyebrow and asked, “Want to tell me why you’re here?”

Laughing, Meg joined Castiel on the porch. “It would seem once again you are in danger.”

“Oh.”

Clearly exasperated the demon responded, “That’s all you have to say.”

In a very human gesture, Cas shrugged his shoulders as he made his way to one of the chairs. “Come sit and tell me what you know.”

Meg spent the next half-hour explaining her meetings with Crowley and most recently her meeting with both Crowley and Coriel. “Crowely filled me in on some of your issues. He sent me to protect you because you need all the help you can get. Now tell me what the hell is going on with you and your boyfriend.”

The angel’s voice dropped an octave as he scolded the demon. “Meg. Dean is not my boyfriend. In fact if you must know that is where this all started.” Castiel went on to explain the situation, starting with the car accident and ending with his anxiety during Dean’s visits.”

“What did you expect? That everything would be magically fixed if Dean returned. I know you’re naive Cas, but you aren’t dumb. This thing you have with Dean is messy and fucked up. This whole thing is fucked up. You got heaven and hell meddling in this disaster for some reason. I don’t give a rat’s ass for Dean, but you my little tree-topper, you are special. So, what is it you need?”

As Cas contemplated his answer, he reached out and touched Meg’s hand. In a flash, they were standing in the day room. It looked just as it had when he was a patient and Meg was his protector. He sat at his customary table and pulled out the board games. “It seems strange to say, but I enjoyed my time here with you Meg. I never felt pressured. There was a measure of peace. Even with the turmoil going on in my head, I found something in myself while I was here.” He stopped then and stared at the door. A slight smile curled his lips.

“Wanna share with the class, Clarence.”

“Oh, yes. I apologize Meg.” The angel turned to face the demon as he said, “I found my true capacity to love. I saw the world differently. When I left this place, I found tiny aspects of life fascinating in a way I never could as my former angelic self. And you played a role in that, so thank you.”

Meg laughed as she stood. “We are a strange pair. An angel and a demon who found friendship. It makes absolutely no sense, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I am sure strange is one of the nicer things I have been called over the centuries.”

Dark eyes stared into Cas’ blue eyes. “I’m sure I could come up with some new one’s for you.” Meg laughed but then grew serious. “Castiel, we need to tell the others, I’m here.”

“I would like to wait for a bit. I enjoy your company.”

“Whatever you need, Clarence.”

They sat and talked as they played games. Hours later they returned to the back porch and were greeted by Castiel’s disgruntled family. Before he could speak, Meg said, “Did you miss me, Sam?”

Sam scowled at the demon. “Meg. How?”

“Now Sam that was not the greeting I expected after our last heartfelt conversation.” The demon slithered forward until she stood before the much taller man. With barely concealed anger she scoffed, “After which you left me to die as I recall.”

Castiel reached out and pulled Meg to his side. “In answer to your question Sam, Crowley sent Meg. We should take this discussion inside. I need to sit after our little trip.” Cas smiled at the demon.

“Lead the way, Clarence.”


	22. A Place to Start

When the group entered the kitchen, they found Dean sitting at the table. In two quick strides, Meg crossed the distance between them and proceeded to punch Dean in the face.

“What the hell?” Grabbing his jaw, Dean swung his head back to face his attacker. “Meg, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“It appears I am punching your sorry ass in the face. How dare you mistreat my little angel?”

Castiel stopped her arm as she went to swing again. “Meg. That’s enough.” The angel spun her around and placed her in a chair. “As much as I appreciate your defense, I don’t need it. I can take care of myself.” Turning to Dean he said, “Would you like me to heal that?”

“Naw. She packs a pretty good punch, but it’s fine. Save your strength for more important things,” said Dean with a shy smile. While Dean and Cas stared at each other, the rest of the group sat down and waited. Pulling his eyes away from the pressure of Castiel’s gaze, Dean found Sam seated next to him. “Any idea what this is all about?”

Sam shook his head and gestured at Meg and Cas. Nodding at the angel, the demon said, “I’m here to protect my angel.”

Eyes flashing with anger, Dean seethed, “He is NOT your angel.” His voice dropped off on the last word and his gaze shifted to Cas. The angel frowned at the green-eyed hunter. Shrugging, Dean said, “Sorry for yelling.”

“Okay. Now that we know how Dean feels, how about we discuss the real issue.” Meg scanned the room and then continued, “Cas is in danger and if Crowley was willing to involve me, we know it’s serious.”

“Wait, I thought the smarmy asshole killed you,” said Charlie. “At least that’s what the books said.”

Dean, Sam and Cas all groaned. “Charlie, I thought I told you to stop reading those ridiculous books,” huffed a clearly disgruntled Dean. Flashing a dazzling smile, Charlie merely shrugged her shoulders. Dean frowned at Charlie as he said, “Even though her source is crap, she has a point. We saw Crowley kill you.”

The Demon smirked as she hip-checked Sam. “Yes, well. I guess cats, the Winchesters and their sidekick angel aren’t the only ones with nine lives.” Only receiving frowns in response, Meg said, “As much as it pains me to say this, Crowley was right. You guys really are no fun anymore. And from everything we have learned so far, he’s also right about the danger. He brought me back because he knows how I feel about Castiel.” Practically shaking in his seat, Dean sneered at the demon.   “Down boy. No one is fool enough to get in the middle of this.” She gestured at the angel and the hunter. “Although it seems everyone is willing to meddle in it.”

“Shut up, Meg,” seethed Dean as his face turned a deep red.

“Ahh…hit a nerve did I, Deanie. If you aren’t man enough to step up to the plate, sooner or later someone else is going to risk it.” The hunter ducked his head and clenched his fists in his lap.

“Meg. Stop. None of that is your concern.” Castiel scowled as his grace flared. “We need to deal with the current problem.”

Sam walked over to the table and took a seat next to his brother. “And once again the problem is that you’re in danger. Don’t even try to protest Cas. We all know it’s true. There is too much evidence to deny it.”

At the futility in Sam’s voice, Dean dropped his head to the table with a heavy sigh. “Why is it always you Cas? I am so tired of every manner of creature hunting you. Angels, demons, reapers, hunters. What the actually fuck?”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” said Cas in a small voice.

“No, don’t do that Cas,” said Dean with sadness. “That’s not what I meant. You deserve to be free of all this. You’ve given enough.”

Cas slammed his hand on the table. “And you haven’t Dean. We’ve all given enough. None of us deserve this fate, but it’s what we have been dealt. And as we have always done, we will deal with it.” The angel stared daggers at Dean.

Standing and walking toward the door, Charlie said, “On that note, I think we should give these two a moment.” As the others followed her lead, Cas continued to stare at Dean. Even after the room was emptied, his gaze did not waver. Dean tried to look away, but a growl from the angel stopped him. After several more heartbeats, Castiel finally relented and took the seat next to Dean. He angled the chair to face the hunter.

“Dean, you have to stop treating me like I'm made of glass. After everything we’ve been through together, I thought by now you would trust me.”

“Of course, I trust you Cas. This has nothing to do with that.”

Running a hand down his face, the angel asked, “Then what is it?”

“I…I…Fuck, Cas. I can’t stand to see you hurt. Every damn time, it gets worse. I almost broke when I saw you in that hospital bed.” Tears welled in the hunter’s eyes.

Castiel scoffed, “I don’t know. You seemed more angry than hurt.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m not talking about the last time. I’m talking about after the accident when they finally let me come to your room. Cas...” Dean’s voice cracked. “You looked so broken. All these fucking machines were hooked up to you and there was not a damn thing I could do about it. I just kinda cracked after that. After sitting by your bed for two weeks, I left and went on a week-long bender. I didn’t answer my phone. I scared the shit out of Sam and Charlie. When they finally tracked me down, I refused to come back. I was so angry and I blamed you. Cas, how could I blame you? You were in a fucking coma and all I wanted to do was yell at you. And the angrier I got at you the guiltier I felt. It was like this horrid cycle. And when Sam called to tell me you were awake, I have never felt such…relief…no that’s not it." Dean paused and took a deep breath. "It was joy Cas. Pure unadulterated joy and then it all crashed back down around me. Everything I had said and done. All the ways I hurt you and instead of sucking it up, I wallowed in it. I should have come to you and apologized. I should have told you the truth, but I’m not brave like you. I’m a coward.” On the final word, Dean broke down and collapsed with exhaustion. Strong arms engulfed him and an intense heat radiated through his body. He felt a tightening in his chest and then a surge of power. As he opened his eyes, his breath caught. Blue light swirled, dipping and weaving, as it contacted a radiant white light. Dean pulled his eyes away to look at Castiel. The angel’s eyes shined with grace as he smiled at Dean. Slowly the light dissipated. When it was finally extinguished, Castiel pulled back from their embrace. “Um…Cas…what the hell was that?”

Smiling sheepishly, Cas shook his head. “I’m not sure.”

“I’m not buying it. That was your grace Cas.” Now the angel simply nodded. “Dammit Cas. Stop being evasive. What was up with your grace?”

Looking away, the angel tensed. All traces of the smile were gone. Dean noticed the change in Castiel’s demeanor. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it, if it’s going to upset you.”

“I’m not upset. I just don’t think you would want to know.” Cas’ body language screamed with anxiety as he looked at the hunter tentatively.

Reaching out and gently touching Castiel’s hand, Dean quietly said, “I do want to know, but we don’t have to discuss it now. We can save it for later.”

Tipping his head to the side, the angel studied the hunter. “You’ve changed.”

“Sobriety will do that,” chuckled Dean.

“I don’t just mean that Dean. Before you would have hounded me for answers. Cajoled, commanded, teased until I caved. In the past, you wouldn’t have apologized. At every turn today, you tried to keep your anger in check and when you didn’t you apologized. You’re different.”

“Yeah, I’m different. Even though I laughed before, sobriety played a big part. Facing my demons while sober was a whole new ball game. I realized how often I yelled at or pushed people away. How I always fell back on this cocky bullshit attitude. How often I turned away from myself, squashing parts of myself to fit a mold. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be a better man for you.”

Squeezing the green-eyed man’s hand, Castiel leaned forward. “I never needed you to be better for me.”

Dean smiled and said, “But you deserved better and so did I. Hiding who I was hurt you, but it also hurt me. I need you to understand that I let my fear lead. In the face of your confession, I gave into it and it made me run. Run from you, run from myself, run from everyone and everything. I thought if I could get away, I could forget. That I could bury it again, but when you told me how you felt there was no going back for either of us. It just took me a while to face it all.”

Cas tipped Dean’s chin up, waiting until the hunter looked in his eyes. “And what exactly did you face?”

Swallowing harshly, Dean steeled himself before speaking. He gripped both of Castiel’s hands and held on for dear life. “That I am bisexual. That I have always been attracted to men. That I was attracted to you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Laughing Dean said, “You don’t have to say anything. I just felt it was time for me to come clean. It was time for you to know. With this new threat, I couldn’t see waiting another day to tell you at least that much.”

Curiously Cas said, “There’s more.”

“Yes. A whole lot more,” smirked the hunter with a bit of his bravado returning.

“Hmm…well I guess we both have secrets to share.” They smiled at each other and for the first time since the accident they relaxed in each other’s presence.

A nervous request from the other room interrupted the moment, “Can we come back in now?”

“Actually Sam, we are leaving.”

“Uh…we are?” questioned Dean.

“Yes, Dean.”

As Sam entered the kitchen, his older brother said, “Sammy, I guess we’re leaving.” Leaning toward Castiel, Dean asked, “Where are we going?”

The only response the hunter got was a raised eyebrow and the sound of wings as the angel touched his elbow.


	23. Memories and Conversation

When the world stopped moving and Dean caught his breath, he said, “I see your stamina is improving, but are you sure you should be using your wings so much.”

“I’m fine Dean. Remember what I requested.”

“No treating you like a baby.”

Cas smiled smugly. “Precisely. Now why don’t you focus on where we are instead of how we got here.”

At first the hunter did not recognize the place. It wasn’t until he noticed the return of Castiel’s nervousness that he remembered. “Why would you bring us here of all places?”

As he walked around the room, Cas said, “Because Dean for me, this place represents all that I was willing to do and sacrifice to keep you free. The look of betrayal on your face, as you fled before that hoard of demons, haunts me to this day. I know working with Crowley was not my best decision, but you deserved to live your life with Lisa and Ben. You deserved to be happy Dean.”

The hunter huffed and let his gaze drift around the open room. He envisioned that day and the pain constricting his chest when he realized what Cas had done. He remembered the subsequent meetings in which he refused to listen to the angel. Refused to even consider his friend’s motives. “I wish I would have listened to you back then. Talking over you and turning my back on you has never ended well.”

“Yes, well. I believe my penchant for flying off has rendered similar results.”

“You saying, we’re a couple of dumbasses Cas.” They both smiled at the familiar phrase. This time, however, the angel did not argue. He simply agreed, “I would say that is accurate.”

Before Dean could respond, Castiel crossed the room and gripped his arm. Dean smiled at their new location. “Ah this is the bar where I taught you to play pool. Why are we here?” The angel stared at Dean with a challenge in his eyes. “Not going to tell me are you?” Cas smirked. “All right then I guess I have to figure it out.

Walking past the bar, the hunter headed for the tables. He saw that night clearly. Cas, flushed and tipsy, leaning over the table with a stern look on his face. The way his body moved languidly as he invaded Dean’s personal space. The hint of a smile whenever Dean touched him. The laughter as they left the table to retake their seats at the bar. During those few hours, Castiel looked happy. It all made sense now. “This is a happy memory for you. Where you realized…” Dean’s face heated and his hand went to the back of his neck. He nervously shifted and struggled to meet the angel’s eye. “It’s where you realized…fuck… why is this so hard?”

“I can’t answer that for you Dean.” Cas’ body slumped in frustration and sadness.

Taking in his friend’s posture, Dean grew frustrated with himself. “It’s ridiculous that after admitting I’m bisexual that I can’t talk about this shit. I really thought the hard part was going to be coming out, but clearly, I still suck at talking about feelings. But for you I will give it a shot. This is where you realized how you felt about me. This is when you knew you wanted more than friendship.”

There was something resolute in Dean’s voice. It made the angel stand up straighter and take notice of every minute detail. Dean’s body appeared tense, but his soul radiated joy and his eyes displayed relief.   Discussing this was easing the burden the hunter carried and he smiled as Dean said, “You waited a long time after that night to tell me.”

Cas nodded as he took a seat at the bar. “I never planned on telling you. Your friendship was too important to me, but even an angel loses patience at some point.”

Taking the seat next to Cas, Dean ordered them both a coke. The smile he got from the angel was endearing. “Don’t look at me like that Cas. It’s just a soda.”

“It’s so much more than that and you know it. You should be proud of yourself Dean.”

The hunter nodded, “I suppose in some ways I am, but it doesn’t change what happened that night or in all the days following. It doesn’t change our past.”

“You’re right it doesn’t. You hurt me and kept hurting me. You knew what you were doing and still you kept at it.”

The hunter’s eyes filled with shame. “I know Cas and I know I can’t expect it to go away. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

The angel’s eyes filled with sadness at the memory. “I told you how I felt and you threw it back in my face. We were best friends Dean. Even if you didn’t share my feelings, you should have respected me. You shouldn’t have said…”

Dean shifted on the stool until he fully faced the pair of sorrowful blue eyes. With a touch of defeat in his voice, he said, “I was a bully. I’m not sure there is any other word for how I treated you. And I don’t just mean since that night. It started soon after we met.”

A mirthless chuckle erupted from Castiel. “Dean?”

“No listen Cas. It took me a long time to figure this out, but it’s true. At first, I think it was because the whole situation back then was out of my control and that was uncomfortable for me. I directed those feelings at you because you seemed strong enough to take it. And also, because I couldn’t do that to Sam.” Dean watched as Cas chewed at his bottom lip. It was a new habit Cas had developed and to Dean it made him all the more human.

“Even if you thought I could take it, it was wrong. You were my whole world Dean. When I fell, the bond we shared was the one thing I had to hold onto and you used it against me. No matter what you did, you knew I would never leave you. That I would always love and support you. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To love and need someone to the detriment of your own well-being.”

The hunter dropped his head and laughed. “Yeah Cas I do because that is the way I loved Sammy. I went to hell for him knowing he might not do the same for me. I would have given my life for him for all of eternity. I needed to be at his side, to protect him and care for him and no matter what he did I would continue to do that. Sam has always known I would forgive him for anything.”

Placing his hand on Dean’s forearm, Cas slid closer to the hunter. “Dean look at me.” The angel waited until Dean looked in his eyes. “Yes, I suppose this is just another way you and I are alike. But we can’t live our lives that way anymore. I can’t be solely tied to you. I must have a life outside of our relationship. Whatever that relationship is.”

“And I must have a life outside of being Sam’s big brother.”

Cas stared at his hand still resting on Dean’s arm. Following the angel’s gaze, Dean stared at Castiel’s hand before placing his over the top. “You told me the other day that you didn’t need me anymore. I would say that means you already have a life outside of me.”

“You don’t sound happy about that.”

Shaking his head, the hunter said, “I am happy for you, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard for me to hear. Our relationship was always so wrapped up in need, and I just haven’t learned how to let that go completely.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“I figured you had a plan since you’re the one with wings.” Dean quirked his lips and winked.

The angel huffed, “I have learned not to take things so literally anymore, so your attempts at humor at my expense are less likely to work. Charlie is a good teacher.” It was the angel’s turn to wink. The response he received was priceless. Dean’s jaw dropped open and his cheeks flushed pink.

After closing his mouth and regaining his faculties, Dean asked, “Who are you and what have you done with my angel?”

Cas pulled his hand out from under Dean’s. “Why does everyone insist on calling me their angel?”

The hunter reached out and captured Cas’ hand. “Because you’re special Cas.”

“Dean,” admonished Castiel.

“No, Cas. I mean it. You are special. Anyone who meets you knows it. And it’s not because Chuck deemed it so. It’s because you have an amazing capacity to love. I wish I would have appreciated that about you a lot sooner. And in answer to your question from earlier, I think we get to choose where we go from here. I know what I want and I plan to fight for it.”

“And what do you want?” the angel asked. Throwing a twenty on the bar, Dean stood and dragged Cas out of the bar and down the street. “Dean?”

Sorry. I started to feel a bit trapped in there.”

Cas scoffed, “Are you sure it wasn’t the question that made you feel trapped?”

“Probably. We already established I’m bad at this.” Shaking his head and turning to stand directly in front of Castiel, Dean said, “Fuck it. I want a chance Cas. I know I don’t deserve it but I want it.”

The angel’s face fell and his body shook. “I don’t think we should talk about this here and I'm tired. I saw a motel down the road.” Without waiting for the hunter, Cas walked off. Dean watched his retreating form for several seconds before following. Being in a motel room with Cas sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. They had not done well in confined spaces since the accident, but if this is what Castiel needed then Dean would support him. His bowlegs took off in a jog and he quickly closed the distance. Checking into the motel was quick and before he knew it, Dean found himself face-to-face with Cas sitting on the only bed in the room.

With sadness in his voice, Cas said, “I don’t think I can offer you any kind of response to your statement at this time.”

Eyes flashing with frustration, the hunter snarled, “You’re the one who asked and now you have nothing to say. Typical.”

Cas flinched at the tone in Dean’s deep voice. The hunter watched the once mighty warrior of heaven pull back and protect himself. Blue eyes filled with hurt remained focused on Dean. A dull pain traveled throughout the hunter’s body. This is what his cruelty and sharp tongue had reaped. Even now when the two of them were finally communicating, one harsh comment from him ripped the comfort apart. Holding his hands up in supplication, Dean approached Cas. His steps were slow and measured because the angel looked on the verge of a panic attack. “Cas, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. May I?” he asked as he gestured at the bed where the angel was seated. After Cas nodded, Dean took a seat next to him. “I’m still learning how to control my temper. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I can’t ask you to subject yourself to me if my actions hurt you like that now.”

“They always hurt me Dean. I just covered it better, but Darla helped me see hiding my pain only made it worse. So now I show how I feel. The good, the bad and the ugly of it all.”

Resting his elbows on his knees, the hunter looked around the drab room, reminiscent of every dumpy motel room he’d practically lived in throughout his life. The stagnant air, the washed-out paint and bedding, and the worn furnishing reflected the dull ache that had settled in the hunter’s chest. Part of him wanted to blurt out the first thought in his head, but another part was unable to find his voice. Dean remained stationary, unwilling to make the situation worse with his penchant for lashing out.

Cas disrupted Dean’s internal dialogue. “Who is Liz?”

Stunned by the rapid change in subject, the hunter mumbled a confused, “What?”

“I said who is Liz?”


	24. An Angel, A Hunter and Two Unwanted Guests

Taken aback by the vitriol in the angel’s voice, Dean asked, “Why do you want to know?”

“Are you not going to tell me?”

Sitting up straight and turning to face the angel’s austere blue eyes, Dean decided to tell the truth. The whole unvarnished truth. “She was the last woman I slept with and the person who made me really look at myself. The sex was good, but empty.” Dean chuckled mirthlessly. “I guess I’m not skilled at hiding my feelings anymore. She read me like an open book. Said I was hung up on someone and even figured out I wasn’t straight. She shocked the hell out of me, but I’m grateful for my night with her.” Sensing Castiel’s tension, Dean was quick to add, “Because without it we would not be here. I would not be sober and I would still be in the closet. It took a stranger for me to begin to accept myself. She called me out on my bullshit. Tore down my dad’s teaching about what it means to be a man. You’re one of the strongest people I know and that doesn’t change because you are attracted to a man. That’s what she taught me.”

The angel stood then and walked across the room to stare out the window. Dean waited for him to speak, but Castiel remained silent. Eventually, the hunter joined Cas.   Standing at the angel’s side, Dean reached for his hand. “I didn’t want to upset you, but you deserve to know. You said I’ve changed and part of that change is being honest.” Lifting their joined hands, the hunter smiled. “This right here is worth it. Just being able to talk to you makes any discomfort worth it. At least for me.” Riddled with nerves, Dean’s voice trailed off.

Cas turned to face Dean. He studied the man before him until his gaze settled on their linked hands. Anxiety flooded his body at the sight. Through the years, Dean was always tactile when it came to the angel. His hands often found their way to Cas’ shoulders, face or back. Only rarely did their hands meet and it was never simply for connection. This was a wholly new experience for Castiel. Despite his nerves, panic did not occur because the familiarity of Dean’s touch was calming. The angel pulled his eyes from their hands to find nervous green ones studying him. Frozen by the swirling emotions, the two men stood still, listening to the sound of each other’s breathing as their eyes connected. The longer they stared, the more the nerves dissipated. Exhaling, Castiel broke the spell. “For me, too. As much as I wanted a different result from revealing my feelings, my biggest regret wasn’t your rejection. It was the loss of our friendship. The loss of our bond.”

Any remaining tension fled Dean’s body at those words. “Fuck Cas. It is so good to hear that.” The angel’s head snapped back as he furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but whatever it is, it is wrong. Just listen. I never understood how deep the bond was engrained in me until it was gone. As much guilt as I carry over how I spoke to you and lied to you, the thing that bothers me the most is destroying our connection. Without it, I was empty. I don’t know how it felt for you, but for me…I have never felt more alone. It was like a part of me vanished. I have an ache and a need I can’t fill. I want it back Cas. Please.” Dean’s eyes filled with tears as he pleaded. “Please help me. I don’t want to be empty anymore.”

“How can you ask this of me? We are barely speaking. Just a few weeks ago I couldn’t be in the house with you.”

“I know.”

“Then how can you expect this?”

Dean shook his head. “I don’t, but a guy can hope. I thought maybe things were better.”

The angel tilted his head and squinted. “How so?”

“The texting we’ve been doing. It felt a little like old times.”

Sighing, Cas said, “I don’t want old times Dean. We can’t go back. If we are going to be in each other’s lives again, it has to be different.”

Squeezing the angel’s hand, the hunter said, “I…” but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Open the damn door. As touching as all the confessions are, I can’t listen to any more of this drivel or I will hurl.”

“Shut it Crowley. Clarence open the door for me angel.”

After stomping to the door, Dean yanked it open harshly. “What the fuck do you two want?”

Pushing past Dean, Meg entered the room and made right for Castiel. Crowley remained at the door eyeing up the room. “Isn’t this quaint? I see we aren’t just interrupting your declarations.” The King gestured to the lone bed in the room. “What exactly were you and the angel planning on doing, Squirrel? And may I join?”

Heat rose up Dean’s neck at the suggestion as his eyes drifted to Castiel. The angel stepped around Meg. “No, you may not.” At the blunt statement, everyone in the room froze. The hunter whimpered, drawing Cas’ attention. The look of utter shock on Dean’s face brought the angel up short. “What’s wrong Dean?”

“Um…I…you just…”

“What your boyfriend is so elegantly trying to say is that you just suggested you were planning on using that bed for more than sleep?” Meg leered at Cas. Unable to control his embarrassment, Cas flushed to the tips of his ears. He dropped his head to stare daggers into the floor. “Now come on Clarence. No need to hide. It’s not like everyone here hasn’t thought about getting a piece of you.” Cas’ head shot up and his eyes went wide.

Anger filled the hunter’s body. “What the fuck, Meg?” Stepping in front of Cas, he shielded the angel from the others. “Don’t talk about him that way.” He turned to face Crowley. “And don’t you even think about him.”

“Oh, but I could have so much fun with our feathered friend. Teach him a thing or two so he would be ready for you.”

Cas gripped Dean by the shoulders and pulled him to his side. “This conversation is over. What Dean and I do is none of your business. And I don’t appreciate you two eavesdropping on our conversation.”

“Wait. How long were you out there?” asked Dean.

Instead of letting the demons answer, Cas responded, “Since we reached the motel.” Dean snapped his head around to look at the angel. “And you didn’t say anything?”

Sheepishly, Cas said, “I didn’t want to stop our first real conversation in almost a year.”

“Oh.”

Crowley groaned and shoved his way past Dean to take a seat at the small table in the corner. Facing Meg, he said, “I told you this was nauseatingly romance novel worthy.”

Chuckling Meg took the seat next to the King. “It is more fun than their usual banter. And even though I am enjoying the pink cheeks and sexual tension, I am here to yell at my little tree-topper. What you and Dean do is my business when it puts you in danger. How the hell am I supposed to keep you safe if you flit off with pretty boy over here?”

Dean barked, “Hey, I am perfectly capable of keeping Cas safe?” At the exact same moment, Cas said, “I can take care of myself.” The angel glared at the hunter. “Dean.”

“Sorry, Cas. Force of habit.”

“Hmm…Taming a Winchester. I am impressed Clarence.”

Clearly frustrated, Crowley raised his voice. The shrill sound garnered the attention of the others. “Enough. We don’t have time for this childish behavior, Meg.”

Petulantly the dark-haired demon said, “You started it.”

“I can’ believe I am going to say this, but Crowley is right.” His voice deep and grit-filled, the angel sounded more irritated than usual.

Meg slid off the chair and sauntered over to Cas. “Anything you say, angel.”

Tossing his hands in the air in exasperation, Dean repeated what he said when the demons arrived. “Just tell us what the fuck you are doing here.”

Leaning into Cas’ personal space, Meg relented. “Coriel is at the house with news. We need to get back.”

“Any idea what this news entails?” asked the overtly frustrated green-eyed hunter. His eyes sparking with barely disguised anger.

Crowley grinned wickedly at Dean. “Not a clue. Why are you worried?”

“Yes, he is. As are you and Meg and don’t bother denying it. I am still an angel and I can sense your emotions. Now, I am too weak to fly back. So, if you would kindly leave, I will rest until I am able to bring Dean and I back. You are more than welcome to wait outside.”

The hunter grinned widely at the expression that flitted across Crowley’s face. “He told you,” said Dean as he pointed to the door. “Don’t let it hit you on the way out.” The King of Hell turned red and stormed out the door, glaring at Dean the entire time. After the door closed, shutting the demons out, Dean grabbed Cas’ forearm. “Man, I missed snarky Cas.” The angel raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips. “Fuck,” uttered Dean as he harshly turned away.

“Dean?”

“Don’t Cas. Please.”

Taking ahold of the hunter’s hand still resting on his arm, Cas tugged. “I don’t understand. What just happened?”

“Please don’t ask me to explain. Not now at least.”

“No Dean. You said you were going to honest with me. Or was that a lie?”

Biting his lip aggressively, Dean grumbled, “No.” He stood up straight and pushed out his chest before releasing his swollen lip. “No, it wasn’t a fucking lie. Okay, you said you wanted honest. Well here goes. When you look at me like that, I get an instant boner. How’s that for honesty?” Cas blanched. “Yeah, that expression right there is why I turned away and didn’t want you to know.”

Composing himself, the angel felt the blood rush back into his face. “From a look?”

“Yes, dammit. A look, your stupid voice, your smile. Now that you know can we move on before I die from mortification?”

“Don’t you dare agree to that Castiel,” yelled Crowley through the door.

Cas crossed the room and yanked the door open nearly pulling it off its hinges. “Go.” The command was laced with power and the lights flickered as the angel began to glow. The demon was gone with the snap of his fingers. Cas slammed the door and turned to face a red-cheeked Dean with a noticeable bulge in his pants. The angel quirked his lips as he tipped his head.

“I warned you,” said Dean.

“I said one fucking word Dean.”

Slamming his hand against his forehead, the hunter said, “Really Cas. Are you trying to kill me? You can’t say fuck with that voice.”

Chuckling darkly, the angel smirked. “Nice to know I have that effect on you. This will be fun.”

“I think you have been spending too much time with Pamela.”

Cas walked over to the bed, sat down and leaned against the headboard. “I do enjoy her brand of flirting.” The angel closed his eyes and hummed. “Are you just going to stand there?”

Dean shifted back and forth, twitching nervously. His voice shook as he asked, “What’s going on here, Cas? Because I don’t want to do the wrong thing.”

“How about we call it testing the boundary?”

“Yeah, I guess that works for me.” Dean was still tight as a live wire. His nerves permeated the room.

Opening his eyes, Cas saw Dean standing in the exact same spot, still shifting uncomfortably. “Dean, relax. You’re not going to do anything wrong by sitting next to me. Our situation hasn’t changed except that I would like for us to try to be friends again.”

Taking the seat beside Cas, Dean relaxed against the headboard, mirroring Cas’ posture. “So, the way we were talking before. Is that okay or…?”

“Or what, Dean?”

“I don’t know Cas.” The hunter sighed and closed his eyes. “I feel like I’m walking on egg shells here.”

Castiel touched Dean’s hand lightly. “I am glad I know. I’m glad you felt you could tell me how your body reacts to me.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“I am just stating the facts Dean,” said the angel in frustration. Softening his tone, he continued, “And the fact is I appreciate your honesty, but I’m not sure we should pursue that line of conversation. We have a lot to heal between us and just being friends may be challenging at times.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the hunter shifted down until his head rested on the pillow. “Yeah. Friends is good.”

“For now.”

“Yeah, Cas. For now.”


	25. Family Dinner

Two hours later a hunter, an angel and two demons appeared in the center of a brightly lit kitchen. The dining table with the added leaf filled more than half the room. Extra chairs were spread haphazardly around the table and each place was set with a mish mash of plates, glasses and silverware. Cloth napkins and placemats of every color added to the eclectic mix. Castiel stood still, entranced by the organized chaos. Sam and Charlie were rushing in and out of the kitchen with platters of food. Jody and Alex were hard at work at the stove. Pamela and Darla were having an animated conversation. Both gesturing wildly as Bobby tried to get them to sit down and ‘get out of the damn way already.’

The angel felt another presence before he saw her enter from the living room. Coriel drifted into the kitchen gracefully with Claire at her heels. The young woman was clearly trying to get Coriel to answer a question and the angel was content to ignore each and every attempt. Next to him, Cas felt both Meg and Crowley tense and smelt an upsurge in the pungent odor of sulfur. His gaze drifted to the demons. Both were staring at the man standing by the edge of the kitchen counter. He was lanky and loose-limbed, bobbing his head to the background music. As he shifted, Cas saw his profile. There was no mistaking the long neck and jubilant grin of the werewolf. Spotting the newcomers, Garth practically bounced as he made his way across the room. Before any of them could react, the whip-thin man was embracing Dean. The gesture made the angel smile and a small chuckle escaped.

“What’s so funny, Cas?" asked Dean. "You know you’re next. Right?”

Castiel smiled wider and nodded at Dean. Garth finished his too long hug and then turned to the angel and hugged him. All the while the two demons sneered at the werewolf. When Meg scoffed, Cas warned, “Garth is to be respected.”

Dean was less subtle and simply said, “Down Meg.”

The others seemed to finally take note of the small group in the corner. The room went silent as all heads turned to face Dean and Cas. “Anyone want to tell us what’s going on?” asked Dean as he stepped toward the table.

Setting down a basket of rolls, Charlie grabbed the back of a chair. “We were about to ask you the same thing.”

“I can answer that one. These two refused to leave the motel until they tried out the only bed in the room.” Crowley winked lasciviously.

Pamela gasped and stomped toward Dean. “You, selfish bastard. I fucking warned you.”

“Goddamit Crowley that is not what happened. Cas was exhausted from flying so he took a nap.”

The demon shrugged as he smiled. “Oh yes, I forgot that part. However, that was only after your little tete-a-tete.”

“As much as I want to hear the rest of this story. Now isn’t the time. The foods ready and we have guests to feed.” Charlie pulled out her chair and sat down. “Everyone take a seat.”

A mad scramble for chairs ensued. Food was passed in a flurry of hands and arms. Even Coriel, Meg and Crowley sat at the table. Each taking a few select items. The domesticity of the moment brought a lightness to Castiel’s chest. His grace and soul surged as he observed this assemblage of humans, pyschics, demons, angels and monsters partaking in a basic human practice. All the tension from earlier bled from the room. Conversation and laughter filled the space instead. This is what he had been waiting for his whole life. This is why he fell. This is why he chose Sam and Dean. They gifted him the chance for a real family and he learned to accept it. It may have taken years but falling gave him a family. One that wavered but never broke. One that was loyal without expectation. One that filled the empty part of himself. The part that was forever alone in heaven. This right here was happiness.

With the feeling washing over him, Cas began to tingle and his grace began to glow. His soul and grace entwined in a mix of swirling colors. It was the second time he had been unable to control the emotional outburst. All eyes trained on the angel as the lights in the room faded and he became the sole source of luminescence. Cas watched the myriad reactions of those gathered. Awe, shock, joy, reverence and even hints of fear.

“Uh…Cas buddy. You’re kinda glowing.”

“Yes, I am aware Dean.”

The rest of room remained dead silent as Dean said, “Okay, but um…should we be worried?”

Shaking out of her trance, Charlie reached over as if to touch the angel, but hesitated. Her hand lingered in between their seats. “I’m all right, Charlie. I’m happy.” Cas spoke as if that explained the entire situation. Eyes flared, lips pursed and heads tilted. Watching the confused expressions, the angel chuckled mirthfully. “There is no need to worry. This is just a visual display of my feelings.”

Dean stood and approached Cas. Reaching out, he placed his hand on the angel’s shoulder. “Let me get this straight. This is you happy.” Leaning down, he lowered his voice whispering in Cas’ ear. “Is this the same as earlier?”

Looking up at Dean, Cas shook his head. Disappointment crossed the hunter’s face before he schooled his features. The angel squeezed Dean’s hand where it rested on his shoulder. With a lingering gaze, he tried to convey the need to discuss that in private. Nodding Dean pulled his hand back and returned to his seat. “Yes, this is happiness. It is more difficult to hide my emotions now. At some point I will need to control them because this would not work so well in other locations.”

“Oh, but it is downright sexy,” smirked Pamela.

“I concur with the psychic,” said Meg.

Cas felt his face heat under the leering stares of the two women. The red of his blush bled into the swirling light. As shades of red surged, Crowely huffed. “Feathers, put away your display and save it for the bedroom.”

The instant the words left the demon’s mouth, the angel felt a flash of anger, but it was not coming from himself. His head swiveled and his eyes locked on Dean’s. The feeling intensified. Understanding dawned and Cas sent a soothing message to the hunter. A look of utter shock crossed Dean’s face. Castiel shook his head and mouthed later. The silent conversation somehow went unnoticed by the others.

As they continued to stare, a bit of tension seeped into Castiel’s mind and the colors began to twist and fade. His nerves increased when he thought of the many conversations yet to come with Dean. So many topics saved for later. The plaguing thoughts made him shift uncomfortably in his chair. Dragging him from his downward spiral, Darla with kindness and understanding in her eyes said, “I assume this is due to your soul.”

To Castiel’s left, a soft voice spoke. “Yes, the explanation is clear. With no soul there is no surge of emotion. It is all tempered. Some angels struggle more than others in keeping themselves in check, and Castiel always had the most difficult time. We should have anticipated his soul would be equally if not more prone to being overly emotional.”

Charlie bounced to her feet in defense of her friend. “Hey, there is nothing wrong with showing your feelings. Just because you are an unfeeling angel does not mean you get to insult Cas.”

“I apologize, Charlie. I was merely stating a fact not trying to insult Castiel. It would be ridiculous of me to criticize him for a trait I also possess.” Coriel lips quirked in a barely there smile.

Ducking her head, Charlie looked sheepish. “I guess I jumped to conclusions. Sorry.”

“Since everyone is so eager to talk, I guess now would be as good as time as any to start discussing the real issue,” said a frustrated Bobby. “Coriel you have news?”

Coriel stared at the older man as she began to speak. “One of the hunters who appeared to be missing was in fact working for the government. This information was gathered by Garth so perhaps he should explain.”

The gangly man smiled. “He was easy enough to track once I knew what I was looking for. Never bothered to hide his whereabouts. And he wasn’t the only thing I found.”

The news Garth delivered was the most shocking to Cas. Demons, hunters, monsters disappearing into the clutches of the federal government. A government that they all presumed knew nothing of the supernatural.

“How is this possible? How did we not know?” The sentiment was felt by all, but it was Sam who posed the questions. “And why is a hunter working with them?”

“That, boys, is the million-dollar question,” sneered Crowley.

Worry swept the entire room. “This is worse than I thought. If the government knows and has the means to capture non-humans...” Castiel watched the younger Winchester compose himself and steady his voice. “What are they planning?”

“Whatever it is, they are not getting their hands on Cas.” Dean slammed his hand on the table. “Not ever.”

“Dean I am not the only concern here. Obviously, they have already begun…” Dean interrupted Cas. “Exactly and that is why we need to keep you away from them. Whatever they are planning cannot be good.”

Despite his comment to Dean, Cas knew he was in danger. Part of him had already accepted that he was a target for this new threat, but old habits die hard. He wanted to cling to them at times. This time, however, he realized the people in this room were dedicated to keeping him safe. Arguing against it or being reckless would only cause more issues and could potentially put everyone in danger. So unlike many times in the past Castiel acquiesced to the hunter. “You’re right, Dean. If I am the target, then I am essential to their plans.”

“Which means, Cas, you need to stay away from those asshats.”

“I hate to say it but asshole over here is right.” Meg glared at Dean before turning to smile at Castiel.

“Meg do not call Dean an asshole. I reserve that as my right.”

“Hey…wait…what?” sputtered Dean and the blue-eyed angel had the audacity to wink at the hunter.

Laughter filled the room. “Man, I love this version of Cas. I always knew you had it in you. The pupil has become the master.” Charlie beamed as she leapt up to hug the angel. “My BFF is awesome.”

“I hate to break up this little lovefest, but we need a fucking plan.” Red-faced and fuming the King of Hell pulled the others back to the original topic.

 

After a quiet week, Castiel found himself alone in his room preparing for bed. Thoughts distracted him as he recalled the conversation following the news that the government was involved in the supernatural. His angelic memory retaining even the minutest detail. The back and forth was exhausting. Meg and Crowley wanting to rely on the tried and true techniques of hell. Garth and Darla vehemently opposing them at every turn. Jody insisting they use her connections, while Claire demanded to stay at the house with Cas. Pamela wanted to call in outside support as Dean argued against it. Sam and Charlie agreed wholeheartedly with Dean because they had mistakenly trusted the hunter who betrayed them. Bobby and Coriel remained strangely quiet until the others had talked themselves out.

“Now that you are done sniping at each other maybe you idjits will actually listen. Charlie, I want you to find everything you can on this hunter turned government agent. Garth, you need to continue to monitor the movements at this facility you found. I think you should take Claire with you as back-up.” The young blond went to launch herself out of her chair, but Bobby stopped her cold. “Not a word. You have skills as a hunter and Garth needs support. Pretty hard to surveil a place 24/7.” To the angel’s surprise, Claire simply nodded.

Bobby continued to dole out duties until Coriel interjected. “Crowley and I will continue using our unique means to find information. Jody, I would like you to say in touch with us and provide your official support when necessary. I understand working with the demon who tried to kill you is not ideal.”

“It’s fine. Cas is family and for family I can put up with a smarmy, smelly, ass.”

 

Lying on his bed, it struck Cas as odd that no one had assigned Sam and Dean any tasks. Pamela, Darla and even Alex were assigned jobs. But Castiel, Sam, and Dean were left to their own devices. Chuckling to himself, Cas thought of Dean’s nickname for them. Team Free Will. Well here they were again stuck in the middle with one of them in danger. It was almost comical at this point. A knock at the door interrupted his laughter.

“Cas, can I come in?”

Heaving a sigh, Castiel thought, _Dean, I should have known_. The angel stayed silent for several heartbeats hoping the hunter would go away, while knowing there was no chance of that occurring. Deciding it was silly to wait for the knock he knew was coming, Castiel crossed the room and swung the door open aggressively. “What do you want, Dean?” The heavy tone and vehemence in his own voice took the angel by surprise. He watched Dean step back, drop his shoulders and hang his head. “Dean, wait.”

“No, Cas. It’s all right. I understand.”

“What exactly do you understand?”

Shrugging the hunter lifted his head briefly before tucking his chin back to his chest. “We've seen a lot of each other lately. I know I’m asking too much.”

Castiel eyed Dean carefully, taking note of the hunter’s continued submissive posture. The angel had seen glimpses of this before, but never for this prolonged period of time. He was used to Dean’s bravado and dominant personality shaking off any signs of capitulation. Dean stood up to archangels, knights of hell and even told off God, so this side of the man was new. It was this realization that made the angel step aside and invite Dean into the room.

“Come in and tell me why you are here.”

Dean walked into the room and did a quick sweep with his eyes. Settling on the desk, he quietly said, “It’s later.”


	26. An Open Door?

Cas waited for Dean to look at him, but the hunter kept his head turned away. His body language exuded anxiety and the sight made the angel release the last of his frustration. Shaking his head, Cas said, “Yes, it is later,” and then he watched and waited.

It took a minute before Dean responded. He lifted his head and squared his shoulders, but he still refused to make eye contact. “And I was wondering if maybe we could…you know.” The angel refused to bail Dean out and remained silent as he waited for the green-eyed man to clarify. “Cas, come on buddy. You know what I am trying to say.”

“Dean, you need to speak plainly. And I would prefer if you refrained from calling me buddy or bro or any other version of those terms. It is painful for me.”

Those words finally got the hunter to face his friend. “What do you mean? Why would that hurt you?”

Castiel crossed the room and sat down on the end of his bed. The deep blue comforter and the plush carpet calmed him. The texture and feel were familiar and reassuring. This was his space, his haven. Dean was a guest in this room because this belonged to Cas. The idea was novel in many ways. Castiel was always the guest. Always the outsider. An angel in a human world. A human with no home.   But now, he was both human and angel and he had a home and room. In here he was safe. Safe enough to talk to the man who hurt him. “Because I have always wanted more. Each time you labeled me in such a way I felt the door close a little more. Eventually I felt it shut and lock. Cut off from hope. Adrift and lost. It was not unlike the time you asked me to leave the bunker.”

“Wait. My calling you buddy felt the same as when I kicked you out.”

Shaking his head, the angel reached his hand out. When Dean did not immediately take it, Cas wiggled his fingers. “Come here Dean.”

Nervously, Dean took Cas’ proffered hand. A gentle tug and he moved to sit next to the angel. “Of course, there was a difference, but both delivered a blow. I understand why you asked me to go all those years ago, so I don’t want to discuss it further. But I do need you to understand how I feel about those terms.”

“Okay. I want to understand. I really do, but I…don’t.”

Castiel leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. “You trapped us both with those words. I felt I could never tell you my true feelings because you kept me in this box of friendship or brotherhood. At times, I thought you did it knowingly. Sending me a message to keep my feelings to myself.”

“I…well…you know what, if it was a message, I didn’t do it consciously.” Dean ran his hands over his thighs anxiously. “I wish I had better answers.”

“I know you do. And I am unsure how to proceed without hurting us both. Even though you hurt me, I don’t wish you harm.”

Dean shook his head. “Cas, I know you wouldn’t do that. You’re too kind and too forgiving for your own good.”

“That’s funny coming from you. Dean Winchester, you are the poster boy in forgiveness.” Sadness seeped into Castiel’s voice as it grew increasingly raspy. “Every betrayal, every lie, every mistake. You always let it go when it comes to your family and friends.”

“Except you.” The pain and self-hatred were shining like a beacon for all the world to see. “I let you down, Cas. I let you think I hated you and would never accept you.”

Blue eyes stared at Dean. Questioning, seeking. And ultimately finding sincerity in his one-time friend’s words. Giving the hunter a slight smile, he waited, wondering where Dean would take the conversation next.

Pulling himself in, wrapping himself in his arms and shrinking visibly, Dean said, “Now that we have established how royally I fucked up, I am hoping you will give me a chance to make it up to you. I promise I’m not expecting your forgiveness.” Standing Dean walked across the room and picked up the heavy wooden desk chair. The distressed wood showed its age and as the hunter looked at every ding and scratch, he saw himself in the old chair. Marked, scarred, filled with aches and age-lines. He was no longer a young man. His eyes lifted from the chair to take in the angel. Shockingly, Dean realized his friend was aging along with him. Both carried a weight beyond their means and had for years. Thoughts flooded his mind. “If only we could carry it together. Share our burdens.”

“Dean, what are you talking about?”

“Shit, that keeps happening.” Cas looked at Dean inquisitively. The hunter scoffed, “I think I might be going a bit crazy. I keep saying shit out loud without meaning to. But since I already opened my big mouth, I might as well tell you.”

As Dean explained, Castiel became uncomfortable. One of the reasons he fell for Dean was the very issue the hunter was discussing. All their conversations in which they unburdened themselves amplified their bond, intensifying his feelings for Dean. A groan emanated from deep in his chest, bringing the hunter to an abrupt stop. “Cas, are you okay?”

“No, not really. This whole…th…thing scares mm…mmee.” With each stuttered word, fear filled the angel’s body. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and his head dropped in shame.

“Cas don’t do that. Don’t be embarrassed. This is my fault.”

The angel huffed, “Blaming you or myself will not make me better. It is counter-productive. I just need to accept my limitations. Although rare these days, stuttering and seizures are part of me.”

Still holding the chair, the hunter approached the bed. “Do you want to stop? Should I leave?” Cas shook his head so Dean set the chair down in front of Castiel and took a seat. “If you want to stop at any point, just tell me and I will go.” The angel took a deep breath and nodded again. “All right, maybe we should switch gears. I originally came to ask about what happened earlier. I felt something when you looked at me and before with the whole light show. What’s going on, Cas?”

“I already explained about the light.”

“Nuh..uh. I am not talking about dinner. I am talking about earlier when you were holding me.”

The angel turned his head away and rubbed the back of his neck. A nervous gesture Dean was all too familiar with as it was his customary response. “Come on Cas. Please.”

“Fine. The bond has clearly reformed. I felt your anger and I responded with reassurance. That is what you felt. And before you ask, I don’t know how or why or what it means? The bond has always been its own entity. Neither of us controlled it. And as for the ‘light show’ as you called it, my grace and soul were reaching out to you. And your soul reached back.” The angel did not turn back to face Dean. His body remained rigid. The only change was a hint of red on Cas’ neck and the clenched fists in his lap.

Without conscious thought, Dean laid his hand over Castiel’s fists. “Cas, were you afraid I’d be upset? Because that is the furthest thing from the truth. I already told you I missed our bond. I missed you and obviously my soul is smarter than my head. This is what I want, but if this is not what you want then I am sorry.”

“Dean,” said Cas gravely. “It is not that I don’t want it. It’s more like I am unsure if I should want it. We always seem to hurt each other and I’m afraid to expose myself to that again. It nearly broke me last time. Falling for you appears to be hazardous to my health.”

“I don’t want you to fall Cas. I want you to soar.”

The angel frowned and then burst into laughter.

“How was that funny?” Despite Dean’s confusion, he was laughing too.

“That was one of your dreaded chick-flick moments.”

“Sober me is sappy. Sue me.”

A smile erupted across the angel’s face, crinkling his eyes as they flashed with light. “No, I will not. I like this side of you.”

“You do, do you?”

“Yes, I do.” The humor in his voice dissipated as the angel grew serious. “If we are going to heal our relationship, we are going to be engaging in these ‘feelings talks’ frequently.”

“I know, Cas. It’s why I’m in therapy.”

A palpable silence filled the room. The longer the silence the more Dean twitched. His leg bounced uncontrollably as he waited for Castiel’s response. The angel took his time. Searching Dean’s eyes until the hunter felt a tug at his soul. His breath caught at the intrusion, but he refused to look away as he allowed the angel through his defenses. After an intense minute, the connection relaxed and they both heaved a sigh of relief. “Dean,” said Cas breathlessly.

“Cas. If it takes baring my soul to heal this, I will.”

“But therapy?”

“What? You have Darla and it seems to help you, so I figured I could give it a shot. And let me tell you, staying sober is definitely easier with support.” Dean squared his shoulders as he sat up straight. Determination in his eyes. “I am fighting for me, for you, for our family. No more running.”

“I…I...don’t…” Shaking his head, Castiel cleared his throat. “No running. For either of us.” The angel slumped to the side and his eyes closed briefly. When he opened them, the blue was faded with exhaustion. Dean closed the short distance between them. Kneeling before the angel, he said, “We can continue this later. You need to rest.”

The angel tipped his head but otherwise remained motionless. “Do you need help?” The angel whimpered. “Cas, you need to tell me what to do.” Dean swallowed down his panic. “Are you in pain? Should I get Pamela?”

This time Castiel groaned, “No. ‘m fine.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “You are not fine.” Cas glared at the hunter, bringing a little life back into his eyes. “That’s better than the dazed look anyway,” chuckled Dean. The scowl intensified making the hunter smile. “That’s the look I was going for.” Standing up, the hunter grabbed Castiel’s hands, pulling him to his feet. The angel wobbled as Dean began to unbutton Cas’ shirt. “Is this all right?”

“Yes. I sleep in a t-shirt and boxers.”

After gingerly removing Cas’ outer clothes, Dean escorted him to the bed. Helping him lay down, Dean ended up tucking the covers around Cas. And to the utter shock of both the angel and the hunter, Dean leaned down and kissed Cas on the forehead. Flustered and hot under the collar, the green-eyed man staggered back as he stumbled over his words. “I’mm…just…yeah, that…um…I guess this…”

“Dean. Stop.”

“Okay,” Dean said shakily with his face on fire.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

“Yeah, um…goodnight Cas.”


	27. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas are both still a bit fragile.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments. Would love to hear your opinions on this chapter.

The sound of heated voices woke Castiel. Pamela’s angry tone was distinct among the chaos. Stepping into the hallway, he found himself standing in front of a disgruntled Meg. “You need to go back in your room.” When Cas tried to push past her, Meg held firm. “Clarence, get in your room. Now.”

Seething Cas stared down at the demon. “You have no right to order me around Meg. This is MY home and I will go where I please.”

The harshness in Meg’s eyes disappeared. “Please, Castiel.”

The use of his name and her pleading tone froze the angel. When he found his voice again, he said, “Meg, please tell me what is going on. Why is Pamela so angry?”

Tugging at his arm, Meg turned him toward the door of his bedroom. “I’ll tell you, but we need to move into your room.”

“Fine.” Radiating frustration, Cas walked across his room and sat on the bed. After several seconds, Meg joined him. “Talk.”

The demon shook her head. “I wish you wouldn’t have heard us.” Tensing she looked at Cas with sadness. “Please try to listen without getting upset.” Reluctantly, the angel nodded. “Charlie saw Dean leave your room last night. It was late, so she waited until morning to confront him. Pamela and Charlie were upset about Dean’s late-night visit. Needless to say, those two were not happy with what I had to share.”

“And what exactly did you share.”

“Ohh, Clarence. I am worried about you. That man does nothing but throw you to the wolves. Suddenly growing a pair and apologizing does not absolve that dick from everything he did to you. And from what I gathered Pamela warned him to watch it. To be careful with you.”

Blood rushed to his head and his body tensed. Meg touched his arm lightly. “If he is pressuring you…”

“Stop, Meg. Dean is not pressuring me in anyway. It was time for us to ‘figure our shit out’ so that’s what we are doing. Talking it out.”

“I’ve said it before, but it deserves repeating. You are so naive, angel. I see the way that man looks at you and he wants a whole lot more than talking.”

Cas laughed. Full-bodied and a bit hysterical. Once he composed himself, he said, “I know.”

“You know. What the fuck does that mean?”

The angel smirked. “It means Dean and I have talked about it. We have acknowledged our attraction to each other, but through mutual agreement we are putting that aside in favor of repairing our friendship. Not that this is any of your business. Or those two out there.” Standing, Castiel crossed the room in quick, purposeful strides. “Now, I am going to join my overprotective family. Are you joining me?”

 

Meg and Castiel entered the kitchen and a hush fell over the room. Dean held his head in his hands. His hair was in disarray as he sat dejectedly at the table. Pamela and Charlie stood across from him, mouths agape. Sam was standing awkwardly at the door, drenched in sweat from his morning run. As they all watched, Dean’s shoulders shook and a sob escaped his lips. Stumbling up from the chair, he crossed the room and pushed past his brother. Sam reached for his distraught brother. “Dean,” he pleaded.

“No Sam. I tried, but they’re right. I can’t fix this. I won’t be coming around anymore. But when you need me to hunt whatever is after Cas, call me.” Just like the day Dean saw the angel’s seizure, he fell down the stairs. His body simply gave out with the overwhelming sense of grief. Struggling to his feet, he said, “Goodbye Sammy. Tell Cas I’m sorry for everything.”

Panic washed over the angel’s body and his breathing grew ragged. He tried to force his legs to move. He needed to stop Dean, but once again his very human body let him down. As he shook, he watched the demon rush out the door, yelling the entire way. “Dammit you asshole, you don’t get to do that. Get your sorry ass back in the house and take care of your angel.” At Meg’s words, Dean turned to face Castiel. Their eyes locked as the angel’s body heaved. Without breaking eye contact, the hunter ran back into the house. He crashed to the floor at Cas’ side. “Sunshine look at me. Please breathe.”

“You were…leav…leaving…me. Again.”

“Oh God Cas. I didn’t want to. I just don’t know what is right anymore. I’ll stay if that’s what you need. Just please breathe for me.”

Cas concentrated on Dean’s breathing. His body slowly came back to itself. The shaking ceased as he rested his head on the hunter’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to go.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I thought you wanted to be friends. And, you promised not to run.”

The hunter slid his hand up the angel’s back and tangled it in the soft dark hair. “I want to be your friend Cas. I never stopped wanting to be your friend. I won’t run.”

After breathing heavily a few times, Cas smiled against Dean’s shoulder. “Did you call me Sunshine?”

The hand in the angel’s hair tightened as did the arm around his lower back. “Uh…no…um…maybe.”

“Dean. Honesty,” reprimanded Cas.

“Stubborn angel. Yes, I called you Sunshine. Got a problem with that.” Cas turned his head and placed his lips against Dean’s ear. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve heard that. I missed it.”

“Well, then. How about we get off the floor, Sunshine?”

 

Dean helped Cas stand and escorted him to the living room. He deposited him on the couch before taking a seat in one of the overstuffed arm chairs. The sound of footsteps made him turn to face the others as they made their way into the room. Slowly, Pamela and Charlie sat next to Cas while Sam took the other arm chair. Meg stood in the doorway leaning on the wall. The room remained silent until Castiel cleared his throat.

Pamela and Charlie both went to speak, but Cas held up his hand to shush them. “No. I believe you two have said enough. It is my turn.” The angel swept his blue eyes around the room, glaring at each of the women. “This has to stop. I am a grown man and an Angel of the Lord who has existed for millennia. I am not a delicate flower. And Dean is not an enemy you must protect me from. He is here because we are working on our friendship.”

“Cas. I’m worried. You had a panic attack just now.” Charlie reached out and took the angel’s hand.  “And once again it’s because Dean was here.”

The angel shook his head emphatically. “It wasn’t because he was here. It was because he was leaving. I know this is hard for all of you, but Dean was my best friend. My first true family.” Castiel stared at Dean as he spoke, “Despite our struggles, I am not willing to walk away from that. I want our family to be whole again.”

The hunter gave the angel a shy smile as his cheeks flushed. “Thank you.” The words were whispered in a cracked and broken voice. “Charlie, I just want a chance to make things right.”

Pamela didn’t wait for the red-head to respond as she quickly snapped, “Well, I still say sneaking into his bedroom at night is all kinds of wrong.”

Sighing deeply, Castiel displayed his annoyance with pinched eyebrows and tense shoulders. “He was not sneaking around. He asked politely to speak with me and that is what we did.”

“And what exactly were you two talking about?”

“Pamela, I have stood by silently throughout this since I came in late, but…” Sam leaned forward in his chair until he caught the psychic’s eye. “This is between Castiel and Dean. We need to trust them. And if they want to share, we listen. But only if they want.” Before Sam finished, Dean reached for his brother’s hand. He squeezed it in gratitude. Sam turned to face him.

“I appreciate your support Sammy, but it’s all right. After everything I put you all through, you deserve answers.” Dean smiled at his brother and then turned to face Charlie and Pamela. “I wasn’t trying to keep things from you. I just feel I should share these things with Cas first.” Ducking his head, clearly uncomfortable, the hunter tried to speak, but the words caught in his throat.

“Dean. You don’t have to do this,” said Castiel.

The green-eyed man lifted his head nervously to find Cas staring at him with kindness in his blue eyes. “No. Cas, I do.” Steeling himself, Dean said, “I am in therapy for a variety of reasons. Not only because I needed to stop drinking. I needed to find a way to accept myself and to learn to talk about my issues. And I also needed help dealing with the loneliness I felt at losing all of you and losing the bond I shared with Cas.”

The room fell silent once more as Castiel stood and approached Dean. Kneeling in front of the hunter, Cas said, “Dean. The rest is between us.” Seeing anxiety in Dean’s eyes, Cas continued, “They don’t need to know anymore.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want.”

The angel smiled. “It is.”

The quiet moment was interrupted by a huff from the demon. Cas raised his eyes and watched Meg saunter out of the room yelling over her shoulder, “I can’t watch anymore of this shit.”

Her words drew the attention of everyone else in the room. They all watched as Meg marched down the hall and into Castiel’s room. The sound of the door slamming made Cas flinch. Dean grabbed his shoulders and squeezed. The action pulled the angel’s attention back into the room and away from Meg’s anger. Cas looked at the hunter and found kindness and concern in the depth of Dean’s green eyes. “I’m okay.” The grip on his shoulders tightened. “No really, Dean. I’m fine.”

“But you jumped and…” Castiel raised an eyebrow as he frowned. The look caused Dean to swallow the remainder of that sentence. “Okay. Moving on.” Dean smiled tentatively at Cas. “I want all of you to know that I understand how fragile this situation is. I am trying to be careful and respectful.” Even though the words were addressed to the room, Dean only had eyes for Cas. The angel’s gaze softened and a shy smile formed on his lips. The room disappeared around them, reminiscent of many moments between the hunter and his angel. The stare lingered as did the contact. Dean’s hands remained on Castiel’s shoulders and his thumbs brushed across his collarbone. The sound of a throat clearing pulled the pair out of their reverie. They both turned toward the sound to discover a pink-cheeked Sam staring at them.

The sight brought heat to Dean’s face, but instead of hiding his face he owned it. “Sammy be prepared. This is the new me. I’m all about feelings and shit.”

Sam smiled at his older brother. “So, chick-flick moments and longing gazes are your thing now.”

Charlie scoffed. “Sam, the longing gazes were always there, we all just pretended they didn’t happen.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” said a female voice from the hallway.

It was the sound of her voice that pulled the angel from his knees. He stood as he said, “Claire, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see your sorry ass and give you some news. But first things first. Do you want to tell me why you were kneeling between his legs?” Claire gestured at Dean with a barely concealed smirk.

Dean’s mouth fell open as he shook his head. “Claire.” His voice was deep and serious. “Don’t even go there. We were just clearing some things up.”

Cas tipped his head in confusion as he watched Claire and Dean stare each other down. “Don’t go where?” he asked. The sound of chuckling filled the room and suddenly the conversation took on a whole new light. The angel flushed when he looked down to where he had been kneeling. “Oh, I…It’s not…CLAIRE.”

The blonde threw her head back and laughed. “Oh Cas, it is still so easy to fluster you. And you,” she pointed at Dean, “better be here for the right reasons.”

“That is actually what this entire conversation has been about if you must know. I have already been read the riot act by Pamela, Charlie and Meg. No need for you to join in.” Dean broke eye contact and lowered his head. His voice sounded desolate as he said, “They pretty well covered it.”

Silence followed Dean’s words. The only sound was the shuffle of Castiel’s feet as he stepped back into Dean’s space and placed his hand on the hunter’s back. Without conscious thought, Dean leaned into the touch. A calm swept over his body and the last vestiges of anxiety slipped away. A warm feeling filled the empty spaces as the angel’s grace once again reached out for Dean’s soul. They both sighed at the connection. Colors erupted around them. The swirling lights weaved around each other and engulfed the two men. Blues and greens interspersed with a blinding white light. After several seconds, a golden hue emanated from each point of contact. The swirling slowed and settled into a gentle caress. It was at that moment when Dean looked up to face Cas. The pure, raw power of the angel took his breath away resulting in a surge of power. The lights shined brighter and pulsed with renewed vigor. The sound of shocked gasps burst into the crackling energy. It was only then that the lights began to fade and slow into a tender embrace once again. A flurry of words greeted Cas and Dean as the room came back into focus.

“HOLY SHIT.”

“What the fuck was that?”

“Um…Dean?”

“Yeah, that just happened.”

Castiel laughed as he took in the shocked expressions on his family member’s faces. “Yes, Charlie. Holy shit sums it up. And in answer to your question Claire, that was my grace and soul seeking out Dean’s soul.”

Sam reiterated his hesitant question. “Dean? Um..”

Dean took in his brother’s confused expression before turning to the psychic. “Yeah Pamela that just happened and it’s not the first time.”

Regaining his composure, Sam forcefully asked, “What do you mean it’s not the first time?”

“Uh…Cas, we may need to tell them a bit more,” said Dean as he gazed up at Cas once more.

“Yes, I suppose we must.”

After pointing at each person in the room, Dean said, "But first we are eating breakfast."


	28. Angels, Humans, Souls and Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am ahead of schedule so chapters will be posted more than once a week.

Dean took it upon himself to make breakfast for everyone. Whipping up scrambled eggs, crisp bacon and pancakes. Sam insisted on adding a fruit salad and continued to get in his brother’s way as he cut-up apples, oranges, strawberries and bananas. Dean took to shoving his much taller brother out of the way. Reiterating that he was making the important part of the meal and Sam was making an unnecessary side dish. “I am making enough food, you big ox. Just go sit down and drink coffee with everyone else.”

“I am almost done Dean.”

Cas and Charlie laughed at the two brothers as they continued to snipe at each other until the food was on the table. Eyeing Dean, Cas took a large helping of the fruit. “Thank you for making this Sam.”

A muttered ‘traitor’ came from Dean.

“Did you say something Dean?” asked Cas with a hint of mischief in his bright blue eyes.

Shaking his head, the hunter said, “Nope, not me. Maybe it was Charlie.”

“Dean, Charlie’s voice is much higher pitched than yours. She was the last person you should have picked.” Cas winked at the red-head and she smiled back at him with a look of pride.

“It’s not like I had a lot of choices.”

Laughter filled the room and the tension from earlier was nowhere to be found. Castiel wished the easy camaraderie would last, but he knew the situation would change after breakfast. Dean and Cas still had to explain what was happening between them and he was not anticipating a positive reaction. And Claire was clearly here for more than a visit. Pushing aside these worries, Cas tried to enjoy the remainder of the meal. He sat back and observed his family. Dean appeared to be completely comfortable with them for the first time since the accident. It was a far cry from the man who stumbled out of the house a couple hours before. The realization made Castiel think, that maybe this time, he could trust Dean. Trust that he wouldn’t run again. Trust that he was in it for the long haul. That he was willing to fight for this.

Cas felt the surge of his grace and this time he found a way to contain it before he erupted with light. In contrast, he allowed his soul to feel every emotion the realization evoked. Welcoming the human side of himself and letting it take control. It was a strange feeling. Dampening his grace was new, usually it was the other way around so the sensation took him by surprise. His heart beat faster and his breath sped up. He felt a tingle low in his abdomen. _Butterflies. I believe Charlie called it._ The image made him laugh out loud. When all eyes turned to him, he blushed.

“What’s so funny, Cas?” When the angel’s blush intensified to a dark crimson, Dean added, “Wanna share with the class?”

Mumbling Cas said, “No. Not really.”

“Oh, come on handsome. Now you have no choice but to tell us.”

“I agree with Pamela,” chimed in Charlie.

“Damn human emotions and bodily reactions,” muttered Castiel, clearly disgruntled.

Sam placed his hand on Cas’ arm. “You don’t have to tell us. They’re all to nosy for their own good.”

The angel smiled at Sam. “Thank you. I appreciate your support Sam, but I know these women and they are relentless. Best get it over with or they will pursue me for the rest of the day.” He heard audible huffs from around the table. At the sound, Cas looked at the women. The sight made him chuckle. Charlie clutched at her chest and Pamela covered her mouth in mock surprise. Claire simply smirked at him before saying, “You wound me.”

This statement brought swift laughter to the entire group and breakfast was briefly forgotten. When they finally resumed eating, Castiel decided to sate their curiosity. “I had this feeling inside and I thought of something Charlie told me.”

With comically wide eyes, Sam said, “Whoa Cas. We do not need to know this.”

Dean whacked his brother. “I don’t think he was referring to that. You weren’t, were you?” The hunter looked at his friend with similarly wide eyes.

Furrowing his brow, Cas stared at Dean and then Sam. “I don’t know because I have no idea what you two are referencing.” Pamela and Charlie cracked up again while Claire made gagging noises in the background. This seemed to only increase Castiel’s confusion. He frowned and shook his head. “Humans.”

“Hey,” snapped Dean with a huge grin on his face. “You’re practically human now so you’re cutting on yourself when you say shit like that.” Cas rolled his eyes dramatically. Dean pointed at him. “See that right there proves how human you’ve become.”

“No, it doesn’t,” interjected Sam. “He has been doing that as long as we knew him. Especially when it comes to you.” Dean glared at his brother. “Can it, Sammy.” That only made Sam smile and add, “Truth hurts doesn’t it.” Before he even finished, Dean was out of his chair and had Sam in a headlock. He proceeded to grind his knuckles on Sam’s head. The younger man scoffed, “A noogie. Really, what are you like twelve?” In response, Dean increased his speed. “Aww, can’t take a little brotherly love. You’re going soft, Samantha.

By this point, the laughter around them had erupted into hysterics. Cas could not remember ever laughing this hard. The butterflies were back in his stomach and his whole body shook with euphoria. A sound erupted from his mouth and all eyes turned to him. When nobody said anything, the angel said, “What?”

Instead of answering, the assembled group burst into laughter again. Dean finally released Sam as he threw his head back with the force of his laugh. When he finally composed himself, he touched Castiel’s shoulder. “Don’t ever change, Cas.” The angel smiled sheepishly at the familiar refrain. “I mean it Cas. You are perfect just the way you are.” It was as if the entire room faded away as the two men stared at each other. Despite blushing, Dean held Cas’ intense gaze. Castiel reached up and gripped the hand on his shoulder. The movement broke the intimate moment and both men dropped their heads.

“Wow!” The force of the word drew both Dean and Cas to raise their heads. They simultaneously looked over and found of sea of red faces. “Um…so I guess the whole eye-fucking thing is back.”

“Charlie!”

“What Sam? I merely pointed out the obvious. It was there for all the world to see.” Claire and Pamela joined the conversation agreeing wholeheartedly with Charlie.

The four continued to debate the topic until Dean shook himself out of his stupor and practically yelled, “What the fuck are you talking about?” They all jumped as if surprised to hear another voice in the room. Having got their attention, Dean said more calmly, “How about you explain what you are talking about?”

It took the better part of a half-hour, numerous blushes, several stops and starts before Cas and Dean were well-versed in the nature of the supposed eye-sex. Through the entire conversation, the angel’s impeccable memory flooded with image after image of his interactions with Dean. Ten years’ worth of confrontations, intense conversations and silent communication. From the very beginning, their time together covered a depth and breadth of emotion neither expressed verbally. All was said as they stared into each other’s eyes. Cas searching for Dean’s soul and Dean tugging at their bond. Maybe to others, it looked like this so-called eye-fucking, but in that moment Castiel understood it was so much more. It was a soul deep connection. The very thing that made him develop a soul of his own. Whatever came of his relationship with Dean, the undeniable fact was that they were each other’s faith and had been all along. It was no wonder that both were so broken by the loss of the other. Some of his thoughts must have bled through their bond because he heard Dean gasp and felt a surge in the heart of the man’s soul.

“Dean,” Cas said breathily just as the hunter reached for him. “Oh God, Cas. Please.” The broken sound of Dean’s voice made Castiel pull the man into his arms. “It’s okay Dean. I’m here.”

“Cas, I don’t want to ever lose you again. I can’t breathe without you.” The angel ran his hands through Dean’s hair. “I mean it Cas. As long as you are in my life, I will take whatever relationship you are willing to give me.”

Hugging Dean tighter, Cas said, “I will always be in your life. I will not leave you, but you must promise me something.”

“Anything”

“Promise me that you will respect me and treat me as your equal.” Cas leaned back and cupped Dean’s face. “Promise that you won’t take advantage of my feelings for you.”

Not surprisingly after Cas’ earlier thoughts, a verbal answer did not come. Instead, Dean’s soul burst forth and sought out Castiel’s grace. The connection was immediate. Both his grace and soul responded to the hunter. The light show, this time, was beyond any Cas could ever remember seeing. Even in all his year’s in heaven. Dean sobbed as he watched the visual representation of their bond and realized Cas was holding nothing back. The angel soothed him through his emotional breakdown. “Shh. Dean, I’ve got you. Just let it happen.” And the hunter did. He let go of his fear. Let go of his questions. It no longer mattered what it meant for their future. It only mattered that they were here. He lost all connection to time and space. Lost in the bond and its overwhelming power. As the lights began to fade, Dean repeatedly thanked Cas. The angel simply smiled sweetly in response. When the room came back into focus, the hunter’s eyes rolled back into his head as he collapsed.

 

Sam rushed forward and fell to his knees at his brother’s side. “Dean, Dean.”

Calmly Castiel said, “He’s fine Sam. I let the connection go on a bit too long, but I assure you, your brother is fine. He is just a bit drained.”

“What was that?” The short, blunt question made Cas really look at Sam. He saw confusion and fear in the younger man’s eyes. It tugged at Castiel’s heart and he rushed to comfort his friend.

“Dean is simply sleeping and will wake soon. I won’t let it go that far again, but in that moment we both needed it.” The angel stopped and smiled shyly at Sam.

“Um…that’s all well and good Cas, but it doesn’t explain what happened.”

Shaking his head, the blue-eyed man laughed, “No I suppose it doesn’t.” While he spoke, the angel stood up with Dean cradled in his arms as if the man weighed nothing. Power radiated from his body and crackled around him. Sam pulled back quickly, with a stunned expression on his face. The man appeared poised to speak, but no words came. Another voice filled the void.

“Castiel.”

The angel pulled his eyes from Dean. “Yes, Claire.” The young woman’s mouth dropped open. “Holy fuck, your eyes are glowing.”

This made the angel reassess as he took in the similar expressions of his family. “Oh, I see this is causing some distress. Let me put Dean to bed.” As he turned, he saw Meg standing in the doorway. Without saying a word, she stepped aside as he approached. He continued down the hall with the sounds of incredulity behind him. “Distress. Did he just say distress?”

“Are we sure Dean’s okay? I mean he did pass out.”

“I don’t fucking know. That was freakin’ weird.”

A new voice joined the others. “What are you idjits going on about?”

“You should have seen it Bobby.”

Cas tuned them out after that and focused on Dean. By this point, he was laid out on the bed. His breathing was normal and his eyes fluttered. A small smile graced his face and Castiel heard his voice. A faint whisper of a prayer. Even as he slept, the hunter was seeking the angel. The thought made Cas’ heart leap and a lump form in his throat. As he stood to leave, he leaned down and placed a kiss on Dean’s head. It conjured the image of Dean doing the same to him. _Perhaps they would be all right after all_ , he thought as he exited the room.


	29. Darkness Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is about to take a dark turn which was alluded to very early on. Please check the end notes for additional tags.

Staring into the depths of the darkness and avoiding the crack of artificial light, Castiel wished he could take back that thought. For every time one of them had hope, the world seemed to spit on them. His hope this time was dashed within a week of that statement and now he sat trapped in a world of darkness again. His grace muted by the metal collar around his neck and the angel cuffs on his wrists. The bond he shared with Dean severed once again. This time by the full weight and power of the American government and their shiny new toys. It was obvious to Cas that not only was the government working with hunters but also with Men of Letters. Most likely some survivors of the British Men of Letters based on their supernatural technology. In his first days here, the angel searched the space he was confined in only to discover it was little more than a hole in ground. This realization ushered in feelings of despair. If he was below ground, what were the odds he was in the building Garth and Claire were surveilling.

He tried to keep the despair of that thought from overwhelming him. He did not want to return to the dark place in his mind. The one in which he was willing to give up on this life entirely. He remembered the hopelessness he felt during his coma. How he wanted it to end? But that was not the case anymore. Through therapy and the love of his family and friends, Castiel knew he wanted to live. Knew he wanted a life on earth with all its messy emotions and ups and downs. A human life. One he fought and died for. One he should not have to die for again.

The longer he stayed in the dark, the harder it was to remember that life. In this instance, his memory was too perfect. It made him relive every awful minute of his confinement within his own body and mind. He relived every second of the accident and Dean’s brutal words. He recalled the feeling of drowning and how he wished he could just open his mouth and breathe in water until his life force faded away. He remembered Charlie’s pleas and all the times he watched her cry over him. He recalled trying to remove his soul and every heart-wrenching moment as Sam held him through it. He relived every stutter and seizure and every step forward, both physically and mentally. And he remembered each conversation shared between Dean and himself as they worked to repair their relationship. The euphoria as his grace and soul found solace in Dean’s soul. The weight of Dean in his arms as he collapsed after healing the entirety of their bond. The wonder and fear of those who witnessed the rare connection.

And he remembered the unbearable pain as the bond was ripped from him when they placed the collar around his neck. Fear welled in him as he thought about that pain. Fear for Dean. He knew how much the hunter wanted their bond returned and to have it so cruelly taken from them…Cas knew Dean was suffering because, with the quick, brutal rending, Dean most likely feared the worst. The gaping hole and resulting loneliness would feel like death to the hunter. He hoped Dean could find the strength to hold on and not allow this to destroy all his growth. The angel knew he needed Dean and all his Winchester bravado to survive this. He needed the greatest hunters in the world to find him and remove this monstrosity from around his neck.

From what he could discern, his captor’s knowledge of angels was far from complete. By possessing him they hoped to remedy that situation, but their lack of information was hurting Cas in numerous ways. With his grace muted, he needed sustenance which they often failed to provide. He grew thinner with each passing day. He felt his muscles beginning to atrophy at the lack of movement. The torture they inflicted left open wounds on his body. They seemed perplexed when he failed to heal. Even when Cas tried to explain the reasons for his weakening body, they didn’t change their approach to his captivity. So, Cas sat in this dark, damp hole in the ground covered in festering wounds, half-starved and aching.

In the beginning he attuned to their questions, trying to discern their purpose beyond the simple curiosity they displayed at his mere existence. From the nature of the questions, he realized their focus was on his powers and their uses as a potential weapon. A weapon to be wielded against organizations around the world. Over time, his focus faded and he found himself slipping inside himself during the interrogations. He dreamt of his garden and the bee hives. He walked through every room in his house. Taking in the sights and smells of his home. Mostly he dreamt of his family. Pamela’s determined expression and flirty smile. Darla’s unwavering support. Jody, Alex and Claire – the women who never quit on him. Bobby’s gruff demeanor which failed to hide his love. Meg’s unique brand of loyalty. Charlie’s boundless energy and her wide-open love. Sam’s constant friendship and capacity to forgive.

And he dreamt of Dean. All the pain. All the love. All the loss. All the gain. The soul that changed everything for a cracked angel. The man he rebuilt and broke. The soul that broke him and rebuilt him. The one he once needed beyond reason. The one he could now live without. The soul his grace sought. The essence that helped create his tiny new soul. The man he feared. The man he wanted. The bane of his existence. The love of his life.

After dreaming of the green-eyed man, Cas knew he may not need Dean, but he understood now that he wanted him. Wanted every part of the man. Body, mind and soul. All of which the hunter had worked to improve for himself and for Castiel. The angel knew how hard it was for Dean to admit his weakness, his fear, and to seek help. To stay sober and step away from hunting. Each of these was life-changing and the least the angel could do was forgive him and trust the changes. They both deserved a chance to find out what their relationship could become now that they were breaking free of past encumbrances.

Instead of ushering in a level of peace, these thoughts pulled Cas into darkness. In the past, he was never one to wallow. He pushed past every setback and moved on with the next mission. But ever since he came into the Winchester’s lives, he found himself prone to these dark moments. Suicide was never a concept for him as an angel. He had not discovered the power of love and its ability to wound. Love for an angel was distant and separate. Nothing more than an appreciation of God’s creation. Love in his life now was overwhelming and illuminating. He felt his family’s happiness and he felt their pain. He felt shame at his failures. He felt guilt over his deeds. These thoughts plagued him and led him to believe the world would be better without him. Until the accident, he believed he had pushed past thoughts of suicide. The coma brought them back, but as he healed, he found death was no longer an option. Yet here in captivity, he wallowed in the loss. The loss of his home, his family, and the loss of possibility.

He wanted to be strong for his family but found himself giving in to weakness. Each seizure and stutter compounded his problems. The physical pain was not the issue. That he could deal with. After a lifetime of torture and reeducation, the angel was used to that type of pain. Mental anguish was a different story. The human side of him took control and emotion ruled. Disappearing inside himself prevented him from divulging information, but it also increased his depression. He just hoped he could hold out until they found him. He knew that was easier said than done. He remembered his inability to find Dean and Sam when they were taken. How hard he tried and how each failure hurt worse than the one before. When these thoughts crept in, he forced himself to remember that the Winchesters were skilled in areas he was not. He remembered their dogged stubbornness and Dean’s ‘give ‘em hell attitude’ and he felt measurably better. They would not quit until they found him and he would not break before they did. He owed it to himself and his family to stay present and whole.

Bolstered by his internal pep talk, Cas prepared himself for the next session. It could only be a few hours away. He steeled his nerves and envisioned his rescue. Voices broke his concentration. One stood out above the others. He recognized it and searched his mind to place it. The dam broke quickly and he saw the man sitting in his kitchen, speaking with Charlie and Sam. A hunter. The hunter. The one who betrayed them all. The one who sold his secrets to the government. The man’s voice was filled with disgust and anger. As they drew closer, Cas heard snippets of the conversation.

“Why…the information?”

“…harder to crack than we...”

“I gave you…tools.”

“Be patient…no hurry.”

Suddenly the voices were clear as the men approached his door. Cas froze thinking they were there to take him, but the men just continued to argue.

“Fuck that. You ain’t even trying are you.”

“You are not in charge here. This is a top-secret operation and you don’t even have security clearance. So just be happy we let you in.”

The voices grew faint again. Cas assumed they had entered another room.

“When…interrogating…?”

“…specialist coming…try…new..”

The last broken sentence sounded ominous to the angel. The realization made him think it was time to try and figure a way out of this mess on his own. He looked down at the cuffs before lifting them to his mouth. With his tongue, he traced the lines carved into the metal. Following every curve in hopes of recognizing the sigils. Somewhat satisfied by his discovery, he moved onto the collar. Rubbing his fingers into the grooves. The wrist shackles contained more traditional sigils while the collar’s were more obscure. Between the two Cas began to piece together how the two items worked in tandem. One thing stood out. There were no markings that impacted souls. For several minutes, Cas berated himself for not searching the items sooner. After his brief self-flagellation, the angel refocused on the task at hand.

He wondered if there was some way to access the power of his soul to break the bonds that held him. The small sliver of grace humming through him had little potential on its own, but if he could connect the two and figure out how to direct the energy created…His thoughts trailed off then as he heard the clang of keys. Having been engrossed in his deliberations, he had failed to hear the approaching guards. Pulling his mind back and burying his ideas, Castiel prepared himself for the torture ahead.

 

The trip took longer as they travelled along numerous corridors before stopping in front of a windowless door. Upon entering, the angel was taken aback. The room was stark white from the walls to the floor to the minimal furniture. The chair in the center resembled the one Naomi strapped him to many times through his long existence. It conjured images of Metatron as he sliced the grace from Castiel’s neck. He forced himself not to shudder. This was simply a coincidence. They did not know. They could not know. But of course, they did know. The second the man in the corner turned to face him, Cas knew. “How?” The word slipped out before Cas could stop it. Immediately, he clamped his lips shut and looked away. He would not engage. Never.

The angel approached him. “Not happy to see me, brother.” The last word was spat out in disgust. “Can’t even look me in the eye?” The angel laughed. “It’s so good to see you looking so well.” Leaning down, the angel tried to catch Castiel’s eye. “My grace may be gone, but I am still a brilliant tactician. I know how to survive and thrive. This…” He swept his arms out encompassing the room. “…is a means to an end. An ingenious end if I do say so myself.”

Cas remained resolute. He refused to look at the other man. Keeping his eyes trained on the floor or the wall. He kept his breathing even and tamped down his beating heart. He escaped this angel before he would find a way to do it again. _Brilliant tactician he was not,_ Cas thought. _Violent, impatient and greedy is a more apt description._ The thought made Castiel break his composure and he chuckled.

“What?” Malachi stepped in front of Cas and grabbed his chin. He forcibly lifted Cas’ head until their eyes met. “Got something to say.”

The blank slate slipped back over the Castiel’s face as he rebuilt the walls in his mind.

“You can keep hiding, but they will eventually get what they want and then I will take what I want.” Malachi released Cas and proceeded to walk around the room. “Nice digs. Remind you of anything. I know how much you enjoyed your time with Naomi. I, however, did not have the pleasure of spending as much time in there as you did, so I hope I did the room justice.” Malachi laughed wickedly as he gestured to the chair. “How about we get you strapped in where you can enjoy the next several hours of my company? I promise to treat you as well as you deserve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story returns to the events described in the very first sentence of the fic.
> 
> Mentions of imprisonment, torture and its aftermath.


	30. He's Gone

“What the fuck just happened?” Dean stood up and shook his head, trying to clear the ringing in his ears. When his vision came back into focus, he saw his brother sprawled across the ground. “Sammy, Sammy? Come on. Answer me.” Dean tried to stand but his eyes went dark and a wave of dizziness overcame him. Falling back to the ground, he grabbed his head before getting to his knees. Ever so slowly he crawled to his brother. Shaking Sam’s shoulder, Dean pleaded with his brother to wake up. After what felt like hours, Sam cracked an eye open.

“Dean.” Sam’s voice was weak and breathy.

“Yeah, Sammy. It’s me.”

Lifting his head and opening his other eye, Sam asked, “What happened?”

Dean’s face clouded over with worry. “I don’t know.”

“Where are the others?”

The question rocked Dean back onto his heels and his head turned quickly to take in the scene around him. The movement caused a wave of nausea and intensified the throbbing in his head. Closing his eyes, the hunter centered himself, fighting down the urge to vomit. When his stomach settled, he opened his eyes and took in the scene around him. Meg was just getting to her feet and Charlie was sitting up holding her ankle. He could not see Pamela, but he thought he heard her voice through the ringing in his ears. Looking down at Sam, he started to say, “I see Charlie…” And then he snapped his head, sweeping the area again. He ignored the intense pain and stood. Panic set in quickly. He did not see him. He caught Meg’s eye and she shook her head. Dean ran at the demon as he yelled, “Where is he? You were supposed to be guarding him.” When he reached Meg, he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. “Answer me.”

The demon tried to put on her cocky smile and brush off the situation, but she failed miserably. The snide remark died in her throat and the smile never materialized. Shocking the hunter and the red-head at her side, Meg apologized, “I’m sorry. He was right next to me when we heard that high-pitched sound. And then suddenly we were thrown to the ground and then…nothing.”

“What high-pitched sound?”

“You didn’t hear that.” Meg looked to Charlie and she shook her head.

By then Sam was standing behind Dean. “I didn’t hear anything either.”

Pamela emerged from behind a tree and slowly made her way over to the group. “I heard it. And after being knocked down, I saw…I think it was a helicopter.” Covering her eyes and pressing down, the psychic breathed deeply. “Yes, it was a helicopter and some men in fatigues.”

“Fuck,” said Dean as his heartbeat skyrocketed. “They took him.”

Charlie started to cry. “No. No. No. It can’t be.”

Dean heard the familiar sound of wings and turned hoping to find Cas behind him. His face fell when he saw Coriel with Crowley at her side. The angel said, “I’m sorry Charlie. They took him. I’ve been tracking his grace and it abruptly disappeared.”

“No, he is NOT dead,” Dean yelled at the angel.

“I didn’t say he was dead. His grace is very faint, but I can still sense his soul.” Coriel spoke in a measured tone as she continued. “Whoever took him must not know he has a soul. We may be able to use it to find him.”

The assembled group stared at the angel waiting for her to continue. After several seconds, Crowley broke the silence. “I don’t know about any of you, but I could use a drink. How about we head back to the house?” As he stepped away from the angel, he took in the scenery. “What were you doing here anyway?”

Charlie with tears in her eyes said, “Cas wanted a Christmas tree and he wanted to cut it down himself.”

“How quaint?”

“Shut it, Crowley,” said Dean as he walked past the demon and headed for the Impala.

The King of Hell smirked, “Touchy.”

No one responded to his comment and they all but ignored him as they followed Dean.

“Okay, I guess we’ll meet you at the house then.”

 

An hour later, Dean pulled into the driveway, followed by Pamela’s pick-up. He dropped his head to the steering wheel and sighed. “What are we going to do?”

“Don’t do this Dean. We always find a way and Cas is strong. Stronger than he’s been in a long time.” Sam reached over and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “We will find him.”

They clamored out of the car and made their way to the house. Crowley and Coriel stood on the porch and appeared to be deep in conversation. Snippets of their conversation reached the group. Dean and Sam stopped at the exact same moment and turned to face each other. “Did you hear that?”

Sam nodded. “Yes. If she isn’t Coriel who the hell is she.”

Pamela came up behind them. “What are you two talking about?”

“Crowley just said that Coriel should tell us who she really is,” said Dean as he ran toward the stairs. He jumped up onto the porch and grabbed the wisp of an angel by the front of her shirt. “WHO ARE YOU?”

“Dammit Crowley. You and your big mouth.” The angel pushed Dean back and chuckled. “This was not how I envisioned the big reveal. I usually like a bit more fanfare.” Smirking, the angel looked at Dean and then Sam before saying, “Well Deano got any guesses.”

Dean sneered, “Gabriel.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open and he froze. “What? Not happy to see me Samshine.”

“What the hell? You were here this whole time. How could you let them take him?” snapped Dean.

Gabriel actually ducked his head before disappearing. He returned seconds later in his usual vessel. Shamefaced he said, “There is some heavy angel warding going on. That facility we sent Garth and Claire to is impenetrable. And whoever took him today was protected in a similar way. We didn’t sense them until after they grabbed him.”

Standing at the angel’s side, Crowley nodded. “And whatever that sound was knocked both of us out of commission the same way it did you.”

Sam finally shook himself out of the shock of seeing the archangel. “What you are describing sounds like a weapon the British Men of Letters would have.”

Behind Sam, Pamela opened the door to the house and ushered people inside. When she saw Dean and Sam staring down Crowley and Gabriel, she called out to them.  “Inside now.” As the men turned, Crowley said, “She’s a feisty one. I like her.”

“Yeah, yeah. Keep it your pants shorty.”

“Which one you talkin’ to Pamela they both fit the bill?” The psychic laughed at Dean’s comment. The hunter smiled until a pained mask fell back over his face. Levity forgotten as reality slammed in again. “Shit, we don’t have time for this.” He stomped into the house and went to the refrigerator. He reached for a beer without a second thought. The gasp behind him made him snap his head up. He turned to see Charlie with her hand covering her mouth. He looked at her and then down at his hands. As he stared, his hands began to shake and the beer slipped from them. The sound of the bottle breaking and the rush of liquid against his boots made him cringe. He closed his eyes to block out the mess before fleeing the room. Entering the bathroom, he barely had time to slam the door before he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Dean wiped his mouth and flushed the toilet. After washing his hands, he slid down the door and dropped his head into his hands. There was a faint knock before a quiet voice said, “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not. I haven’t had a drink in months and now when I need to be clear-headed…Fuck.”

“Dean, it’s okay. You stopped,” asserted Sam.

Shaking his head and reigniting his nausea, Dean scoffed as he said, “Only because Charlie cried out.”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t matter you didn’t drink it.” Sam paused, but Dean remained silent. “Dean, do you want me to get you anything?”

“No, Sammy. I’ll be out in a minute.” Dean heard Sam’s retreating steps and he sighed. “Get it together Cas needs you. Wallowing in the bathroom isn’t going to save him.” Taking a deep breath, Dean whispered, “If you can hear me Cas, we’re coming for you.” He stood then and exited the small room. He walked gingerly down the hall trying to avoid another bout of dizziness. Just as he entered the kitchen, he screamed in agony. He dropped to the floor and writhed in pain. “No, no, no. God no. Please. Oh God. Cas. Cas. NOOOO.”

Shouts swirled around Dean as he continued to scream and beg. “Shit, Dean.”

“What the hell is happening?”

“Somebody do something. Please.”

“Gabriel. Dammit help him.”

Wrapping his arms around Dean, Sam pulled his head into his lap. Charlie crashed against Sam as Pamela continued to yell at Gabriel. The red-head brushed her hands through Dean’s sweaty hair. “Sam, he’s so pale and he’s burning up.”

“I know.” Dean continued to call out for Cas as he clawed his chest. Sam tried to grab his hands before he could hurt himself, but Dean succeeded in raking his nails down his own chest. Blood welled to the surface. “Charlie help me hold his hands. Pamela grab a towel.” As Charlie struggled to hold Dean’s arm, Meg dropped down at her side. The demon quickly gripped Dean’s hand and pulled it away from his body. She held firm as Sam finally got control of Dean’s other arm.

As Pamela pressed the towels to the wounds, a brutal sound erupted from Dean’s mouth and then he went limp in Sam’s arms. His eyes fluttered and he whispered, “Don’t leave me Cas,” before his body seized, and he passed out.


	31. Facing Reality

Dean woke up three hours later, disoriented and shaking. It took several moments for him to reorient himself. As the room came into focus, he realized he was lying in Cas’ bed. The second the name crossed his mind, Dean began to sob. Body shaking and breath stealing sobs. Ones that left pounding headaches and exhaustion in their wake. He felt small hands gripping his arm as large arms wrapped around him. No one spoke until the wailing turned into whimpering.

“Dean, can you talk?”

The green-eyed hunter tried to speak between gasps. “Sam..my…empty…he’s…g…gone.”

Sam tightened his arms. “I know, but I promise we will find Cas.”

“No…no…” Dean’s body started shaking again and his sobs returned. After a few minutes and several deep breaths, Dean tried to speak again. “No, Sam. The bond…I can’t feel it. He…he’s…”

“Don’t you dare say it Dean Winchester. Cas is alive and we will bring him home.” Charlie’s words were filled with command and conviction. Her grip loosened on Dean’s arm as she yelled, “Gabriel get in here.”

The archangel bounced into the room. “Oh, he’s back to the land of living. Not looking so good there, Dean.”

“Gabriel,” groaned Sam, “Just tell him.”

After trying to focus on Gabriel with little to no success, Dean closed his eyes, only to see horrid visions of a broken and bloody Cas. He swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat and forced his salt-crusted eyes open. The archangel waited until the hunter’s eyes connected with his. “My brother is still alive.”

“But I felt it go. And I can’t feel him.”

Gabriel chuckled, “Well good thing you have an archangel on the team then.” He looked at the people huddled on the bed. All three were glaring at him. “Come on. I can play nice.”

“I highly doubt that.” Sam shifted back and removed his arms from Dean. He moved his brother back until he was resting against the headboard. “How about you head back out there and start making a plan?” Gabriel saluted the younger Winchester and flounced out of the room.

“Do you think he’s telling the truth?”

“Yeah, Dean. I do. Gabriel may joke a lot, but of all his siblings he cares about Cas.” Dean accepted Sam’s words with a slight nod. “Why don’t you get some rest and join us when you’re feeling better?”

“Nah, Sammy, resting ain’t gonna happen. I might as well be out there trying to help.” Pushing himself upright, Dean tried to swing his legs over the side of the bed. His muscles protested the quick movement and pain shot up his legs. Cringing he faced his brother, I might need a little help.”

Charlie who had remained uncharacteristically quiet, jumped up and raced toward the door. “I have just the thing. Wait here.”

A minute later Charlie sauntered back into the room with a shit-eating grin on her face. “Your chariot awaits.”

“Oh, hell no. I am not getting in that thing.”

Shaking his head in exasperation, Sam said, “It’s just a wheelchair. Cas was in it for months.” The mention of his name shattered the light-hearted moment. All three faces in the room fell simultaneously. Images of Cas crashed into Dean’s mind. A hospital bed, a wheelchair, seizures, panic attacks, clouded eyes. These images were joined by new fears. Fears of what was happening to Cas now. Dean’s shoulders shook. He felt Sam’s hands steady him once more. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“I know.”

Charlie approached the bed slowly. “I…I just thought…”

“It’s okay, Charlie. My legs aren’t working, so you thought right.” Dean shifted his weight and with a little help, pulled himself into the wheelchair. “Come on then.”

 

Voices drifted down the hall as they made their way to the kitchen. Crowley and Gabriel appeared to be in some sort of a disagreement while Meg tried to get them to stop. “Enough already. You two can fuck it out later. Right now, you both need to drop the superior act and focus on finding Castiel.”

Dean laughed when he caught sight of Gabriel and Crowley staring at Meg with open mouths and red cheeks. “I think you might be onto something there, Meg.” Both men set icy glares on Dean which quickly dropped away and turned into concern. “Don’t look at me like that. I don’t need your pity. It’s just a wheelchair for fuck's sake.”

“Well at least his personality is as stellar as ever. Makes ya wonder what Cassie ever saw in him," said Gabriel.

Dean turned to look at Sam. “I sooo did not miss him.”

“I’m pretty sure none of us did.”

“Sammy-kins, don’t be like that. I know you secretly love me.”

The sound of stomping interrupted the conversation. “It was bad enough when I was stuck listening to these two. You two morons do not need to make it worse. So, all of you sit down and shut up.” Meg took a seat and then gestured at the other chairs. “We need to pool our information and I for one would like to know what the little blond princess had to say when she called.”

Gabriel launched into the details of his conversation with Claire as the others sat down. “Her and Garth haven’t seen anyone or anything entering or exiting the building today. Last time they saw any movement was yesterday evening. A few trucks and SUV’s exited around six. They couldn’t get a good visual because the windows were tinted. I told her to stay there and keep us posted. One other thing she mentioned was that they hadn’t seen your hunter ‘pal’ Derek in a week.”

“Is that kinda activity normal? I mean a bunch of large vehicles leaving at once. Seems suspicious.”

“I don’t know Dean. It is a large facility so…”

Interrupting the brothers, Gabriel said, “No Sam. Dean’s right. Claire made sure to say it was weird to see that many vehicles together. People left at all hours.”

“So, this wasn’t your typical, punch-out at five, work-place,” said Charlie.

“Not even close according to Claire.”

Sam turned to Gabriel. “I assume this means Claire knows who you are.”

“Not really.” Gabriel shuffled in his seat. “I kept that little tidbit to myself.”

Dean sat quietly listening and cataloguing. _Cas was clearly not at the facility, but the massive movement of vehicles must have something to do with his capture. There was no way that was a coincidence. And where was the asshole who sold them out. Wasn’t he supposed to be working at that place? The guys who took him were clearly military, highly trained. Helicopters can only go so far without refueling. Were the trucks needed to pick him up?_ He pulled himself out of his thoughts and said, “I guarantee those vehicles have something to do with Cas.”

“I agree,” said Sam. Upon seeing the others nod, he continued, “Okay, to summarize, here is where we’re at then. Cas was most likely taken by the Feds. The military or CIA are the most likely suspects. With the information they received from Derek, they knew how to subdue an angel. Somehow they managed to cut off his connection to Dean.” Sam paused and looked to his brother. Dean’s face remained stoic, but pain laced his eyes.

Both Charlie and Sam reached out to him, but Dean shook it off. “Just finish Sam,” he said in a tight voice.

“The building under surveillance saw unusual activity the day before Cas was taken and Derek appears to be in the wind. It looks like all of that is connected to Cas. And if that’s the case, we need to find Derek. He is the best lead we have.”

Charlie leapt from her chair. “I’m on it. If that bastard thinks he can hide from me, he is sorely mistaken.”

After the tiny red whirlwind left the room, Sam added, “We should probably call Jody and get her on the hunt as well.”

Dean pulled out his phone immediately and called the sheriff. After filling her in on the situation, he hung up and asked, “Any other ideas because I don’t want to sit here doing nothing while he’s out there with God knows what happening to him.”

“Yeah, pretty sure dear old dad doesn’t know a damn thing.” The heat in the archangel’s voice surprised everyone in the room including Gabriel himself. “Hmm…guess I’m a little bitter when it comes to pops.”

Dean and Sam both laughed. “You’re not the only one,” mumbled Sam.

Smirking, Gabriel jumped on the statement. “Aww, it feels like we’re having a family moment.”

“Not even close. But the best member of your family is out there and he needs your help.” Dean’s voice cracked and broke on the last phrase. He realized how deep is fear ran, how lonely he felt and how there was no escape. No booze, no hunting to help him forget. Cas was his singular focus and would be until they found him. “Sam, we have to find him. I can’t…I just can’t…”

“I know Dean. We all know.”

Dean’s posture grew defensive. “Yeah, and what is it you know.”

Remarkably it was Crowley who stepped in to answer. “I know we tease you and our dear angel, but we all saw it.” The hunter stared at him in utter confusion. “The moment it broke.”

“How do you know a damn thing about it?”

“That would be on me,” said Gabriel. “I had to explain what was happening to you. Sam and Charlie were freaking out, when you were trying to rip open your chest. And they needed to know how much you are going to suffer.”

Dean’s eyes filled with tears and he turned away to hide it from the others. The ache was constant and he knew how easy it would be to let it consume him. Hearing it from Gabriel of all people only served to make the fact all the more real. This feeling would not heal. Somehow the bond he shared with Cas had intensified when it reformed. Whatever held them together had become physical and spiritual and ran deep into his soul. He missed their connection after the accident, but it was not the overwhelming, all-encompassing loneliness he felt now. It felt as if he was missing the best part of himself. “How do you know?” The tears he had held at bay fell from his eyes as he faced the archangel.

“Because the kind of pain you are experiencing transcends the barrier between your earthly plane and my heavenly one. It touched my grace and I was unable to ignore it. I am usually much better at tuning humans out. Prayers, pain, suffering are not my cup of tea. But this…Wow…I can’t even describe it. I’m sure it didn’t help that I felt Castiel’s panic and heard his screams.”

Anger flared and the room grew eerily quiet until a door slammed and a voice commanded, “It’s been hours since Cas was taken, and you are only telling us this now.” Pamela stood in front of the closed door with fire in her eyes. “How dare you keep this from me? From us?"

The archangel’s cocky persona returned unbidden. “Well, it’s hardly my fault Deano decided to swoon and play the damsel in distress.” The disquiet in the room was palpable. Dean pulled in on himself and Sam gaped at Gabriel. Crowley simply stared while Pamela and Meg fumed. No one seemed to want to free the archangel from the uncomfortable silence his ill-timed snark elicited. Unlike in the past, Gabriel did not double down on his attempt at comedy. Instead, he brokered no defense and merely waited. The mood shifted as the silence permeated from one of anger to one of sadness. For Dean, the quiet allowed him to concentrate on the archangel’s words. Castiel was suffering. Screaming and panicking. The hunter wondered how deep his pain went. Wondered if Cas was experiencing the same emptiness, he felt. The thought brought a fresh wave of sadness. He sensed the other’s watching him, gauging his reactions, but he did not care what they saw. Not anymore. Not knowing Cas was hurt. He was all that mattered.


	32. Captivity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: We return to Cas in this chapter. If there are subjects you find difficult to read, please read the TAGS and information in the end notes before starting this chapter.

Castiel drifted, letting his mind wander. Despite his attempts at disassociation, he felt the binds strapping him to the chair. Felt the pressure across his head, arms and legs. The cold air on his skin. The stark white room seeped into his consciousness and triggered debilitating memories. None, however, prepared the angel for what was to come. The moment he felt the touch Cas attempted to shove any semblance of his humanity away. He tried to remember the unattached, unfeeling nature of his kind. His years with the Winchesters, however, made it difficult for him to find that part of himself. He did not want to feel. Did not want to hear Malachi’s voice as he taunted him. Did not want to hear his torturer use Dean’s name. Refused to let his friend’s name be associated with his current torment.

He ignored the taunts and buried his feelings deeper, biting his tongue to keep himself grounded. As blood filled his mouth, he reveled in the pain. He knew how to fight, how to overcome, but also how to relish the simplicity of pain. It was tangible and accessible and his to use. Malachi may believe he was in charge, but Castiel knew his own power, his strength. Developed through years of combat as an angel but honed by his years on earth. If he could harness that strength to keep his mind clear, the angel knew he could survive. Using his self-inflicted pain helped him ignore what was being done to his body.

He focused on the blood in his mouth, but also on the hunger pains in his stomach and the burn of his festering wounds. These wounds were earned over the course of his captivity. He envisioned his weight loss and tried to tabulate the few meals he was served. He thought of the number of times he visited the other interrogation room. Calculating and recalculating. He used his vast memory to establish a timeline. From the moment he was taken at the Christmas Tree farm until his entrance into this hellish replica. After careful review, he determined the length to be six weeks.

Six weeks of starvation, torture, and darkness. Each brought its own complications for the angel. His hunger reminded him of his time on the street. Homeless and alone. Adrift without a family or friends. Dean was supposed to be his respite, but that was not to be. Abuse and torture were hallmarks of his long existence, so there was no shortage of memories every slice and slash brought to mind. But it was the darkness that festered the most. The feeling of sinking into nothingness was alien to a being of light. Sixty-one days, as he lay in a coma, he had experienced an all-encompassing darkness and he sought death, pleaded for it. And now as he felt his body held firm to a chair in this bright room, he realized no matter what Malachi did to him, it could not be worse than those moments he begged for death. It could not be worse than the severing of his bond with Dean.

The thought of the hunter made Castiel shift his focus away from the pain in his body to images of the righteous man. A man he fought and died for. A friend. His best-friend. A concept he did not understand until Dean came into his life. He also thought of the lingering stares and faint touches. The tender moments where the hunter showed his softness. The times he held Castiel’s face in his hands and implored him to be all right. The kindness in his voice when he told Cas not to change. The fear in his voice when he told Cas to be safe. And he thought of the times Dean’s voice was filled with anger and hurt. The bitter back and forth of their confrontations. The inability to really listen, to hear what the other was trying to say. It was a fault they both shared. Righteous was an apt descriptor and it applied to both the man and the angel who saved him. The image shifted then to the man he knew now. The one who bared his soul to the angel. The man who ached for connection. Who fell into the angel’s arms and showed his vulnerability.

Clinging to that image the angel tried to keep his mind from reentering the present. Flashes of the white room seeped in and his resolve began to weaken. It was on a particularly brutal thrust when the illusionary world fell away completely and Castiel felt the invasion in his body. He heard Malachi’s voice and the image of Dean shattered into a million pieces.

“You like that don’t you.”

“Is this what Dean does to you?”

“Do you bend over for a human, Castiel?”

Harsh hands gripped his hips and blood trickled down his thighs. And no matter how hard Cas bit his tongue, this time he could not distract from those facts. He felt every slide of the former angel’s cock. He heard the slick sounds and the grunts of the man behind him. And he suffered every tear of his sensitive flesh.

“Come on Castiel.”

“I want to hear you.”

“Hear how much you want this.”

Between each phrase, Malachi rammed into Cas. Jamming his body against the head brace. The angel’s neck began to ache. The straps holding his body scraped across his bared skin, opening wounds and creating new ones. But it was the moment Malachi took Cas’ cock in hand that the angel knew true despair. He tried desperately not to react, begging his body to ignore its innate needs, but he failed. To his utter horror, his cock hardened and he felt arousal. In the next breath, he was overcome with waves of nausea and yet his body would not follow his commands. As Malachi increased the speed of his hand and his thrusts, Castiel found himself near orgasm. And when it came, he used the last of his strength to hold in his sob of hopelessness. Shamed but unwilling to give-in, he pulled his mind from the room just as Malachi pulled out and came on his bloody exposed ass and thighs.

 

As he floated, Cas vaguely heard voices, but refused to hear their words. The voices grew louder and then abruptly stopped. Soft hands touched his skin, but still he refused to allow his mind to attune to the room. As if underwater, he heard the muted sounds of metal hitting a hard floor. He felt his limbs being moved and cloth covering his body. The cloth shifted as he was moved off the chair. His legs wanted to give out as they tried to hold up his weight. An arm at his elbow helped stabilize him until he found the strength to stand on his own. It was in that moment his focus returned and his eyes took in the scene.

A short, stocky woman held his arm and escorted him from the room. He shifted his gaze down to his feet. Barefoot and bloody his feet slid across the floor. Each step brought twinges of pain. Wounds torn anew wept, as did his eyes. He tasted the salt as his tears reached his lips. The agonizing walk went on for what felt like hours. Neither spoke, but Cas sensed the woman’s tension. Her tenderness belied the recent events and made the angel wonder about Malachi’s place among his captors. This thought made Cas look at the woman again. She must have felt the change because her head lifted and their eyes connected. He saw pity, but also revulsion. At first, he thought the revulsion was directed at him, but in the next breath he knew it was for what he suffered. The violation. The…He knew the word. Knew what that violation was called but could not bring himself to use it. His mind remained locked on this thought and he did not realize they had stopped walking.

He heard the sound of a key in a lock and then lifted his head to see a door opening. A door he had not seen previously. This was not the small hole in the ground. This was a room. A small windowless room. But a room, nonetheless. A small cot lined one wall and a toilet and sink adorned another. The woman placed a towel and washcloth on the sink before exiting the room. She shut the door slowly and he heard her sigh heavily as it clicked shut. The sound of the key returned. Once again, the angel found himself locked in and alone. This time, however, he felt relief. At least here, there was light and water.

Despite his aching body and sheer exhaustion, Castiel knew he must cleanse himself before lying down. He needed to wash away the remnants of the man who violated him. Once he was clean, he could breathe and he could think. Clean. Breathe. Plan. He repeated the mantra as he scrubbed his body. Blood filled the rag and no matter how often he rinsed it, it filled again. As he dried himself with the towel, the angel decided he could not wait any longer. He would not allow them to torture him and use him. He realized he needed rest before hatching any plan. When he went to climb on the bed, he saw a pair of drawstring pants and a tank top laying across the metal frame. He gingerly pulled the clothes on before succumbing to much needed sleep. His dreams were filled with blood, fire, and pain.

When he awoke, the angel refused to let the dreams linger and pushed aside the previous day’s events. He had a singular focus. Escape. He knew his body’s current weakness was the main issue. Fortunately, some of the previous problems had been alleviated. Although the collar remained, the cuffs were gone. The cell he used to reside in was in the bowels of whatever structure he was in and boasted a heavy door and numerous locks. This room appeared to be on the ground floor and had a single deadbolt. If he could find a way to harness his grace, he might be able to break the lock. But the problem of his broken body remained. He had to heal his worst wounds and increase his stamina or he would never make it out of the building.

Thoughts of the building brought up another issue. He did not know the lay-out of the structure. It dawned on him then that he would need to retrace every step of his abduction and his time in captivity. He needed to figure out where he was and the best route of escape.  Closing his eyes, he pushed his consciousness outward. He found himself standing at the tree farm. Meg was next to him, teasing him mercilessly for his sentimentality. Charlie stood on his other side, laughing at Meg’s comments. Dean and Sam were up ahead, turned towards each other and talking. Pamela was standing next to a tree. That was when he heard the sound. His hands flew to his ears as he tried to block out the piercing noise. As it grew louder, he saw his friends get knocked down. He tried to call out to them, but he could not hear himself yell. The pressure on his head forced him to his knees. A new sound joined the other. Rotors. The distinct nature of the sound drew his eyes upward. Two helicopters came into view. Men dropped down and raced toward him. He tried to access his grace, but nothing happened. Before he could attempt to stand and defend himself, handcuffs were clamped on his wrists. He was pulled to his feet as his body grew weaker. Blackness tugged at the corners of his eyes and then enveloped him.

The next thing he knew he was on board the helicopter and strapped into a harness. The air around him felt heavy, his ears were ringing, and his vision was hazy. Forcing himself to assess the situation, he ignored his bodily reactions. He listened to the men as they spoke. It was hard to hear but they were clearly speaking English. They were armed and dressed in military fatigues. He measured the time on board and figured at least an hour passed before they landed.

Upon landing he was dragged across a large field and loaded into an unmarked truck. The vehicle was large and the cargo area was outfitted with restraints. The men strapped him in and then took seats around him. The ride took around two hours. By this point, the angel was exhausted. His head began to fall forward and he lost any semblance of coherence. A rush of cold air woke the angel up and he found himself engulfed in darkness. A heavy door clanged shut behind him and several locks were engaged. He crawled around the small, damp space before collapsing in a corner. Sleep overwhelmed him and he gave into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I write I only have a basic plan for the story. Mostly, I let the story take me where it will and this chapter took me by surprise. Cas' capture was always part of the plan, but the rape developed in my mind over time. If you stick with the story, you will understand the reasons for this event and its symmetry within the story. As a survivor myself, I know this is difficult for some to read and for that I am sorry.
> 
> Rape and Torture


	33. Escape Plan

The recollection of the day he was taken offered an overview of the distance travelled and the identity of his captors. It did little, however, in assisting his escape from the facility. For that he would have to relive the weeks of his captivity. Cas opened his mind to the first time the heavy door opened to reveal two large men. One held a metal contraption in his hands. The other immediately grabbed the angel’s cuffed wrists and yanked him from the room. Shocked by the rapid movement and the first glimpse of light in days, Castiel became disoriented. The feel of cold metal on his neck drew his attention. The loud clang as metal met metal was drowned out by the primal scream that escaped the angel’s mouth. It felt as if his body was being split in two. He lost access to the small amount of grace that had lingered after he was cuffed. The collar severed the ties and his soul cried out in agony at the loss of his grace. In the next breath, there was utter emptiness and he panicked. _Dean. No._ His body convulsed and his legs gave out.

When he awoke, he was in a brightly lit room. His head was leaning on a table and the chain on his cuffs was secured to the table. As he lifted his head, he saw two empty chairs facing him. He scanned the rest of the room, ensuring he was alone before letting out a sob. The realization that once again Dean was lost to him crushed him. Breathing in sharply, he tried to gain control of his emotions, only to be hit by a new panic. If he was suffering this much, what was the hunter experiencing.

Shaking himself, Castiel pulled himself out of the memory before it could consume him. _The room. Focus on the room and the hallway._ After being interrogated for hours, two different men led him from the room. As they walked down a long hallway, Castiel saw numerous doors. After entering another corridor, they passed a few rooms with small windows and several large labs. At the end of the hall, they approached a locked doorway. It took two guards to enter passcodes before the door opened. This hallway was lined with numerous doors. At the end, there was a set of stairs, leading down. The men pulled Cas down the stairs. He counted them as they went. Twenty-four stairs. At the bottom, heavy shadows filled the area. The lighting was sparse and the hall disappeared into darkness. Several steps later, he found himself being shoved back into the small dark cell.

Two days later, he was dragged from the room again. This time he was led down the same hallway but passed the room of his interrogation. Instead, he was brought into a small lab at the very end of the hall. Walls were lined with equipment, but his eye caught on the table in the center of the room. At first appearance it looked like a hospital bed until one took in the large number of restraints. He was lifted onto the bed and strapped down. The feeling of needles and knives filled his senses. They poked and prodded his body.

_This is not helping. Move past it. Focus on their words._

“His body seems human. I mean he bleeds and cries. Obviously, he feels pain.”

“What next?”

“I don’t know. With the cuffs and collar on, I don’t see how we can figure out what he can do?”

“Well, we are not allowed to remove them.”

“I know. But we need to access his energy source, if we are going to use it.”

“What we’re doing is clearly not working? We need more info before we continue.”

A buzzing sound was quickly followed by a door opening. The restraints were removed and Cas was returned to his hole. The next several times he was removed from his room, he returned to the small lab. They continued to experiment on him and never questioned him. His body weakened and he grew listless. The lack of food and water were taking a toll. On his fourth trip to the lab, another man joined the team. He spent time assessing the angel. After that, he was given a modicum water and food each day.

By week two, he was being ushered into interrogation rooms daily. Cas ignored their questions. It was at this time when he learned to distance himself from the experience. Ignoring those memories, Castiel pushed himself to see the larger picture. _How many guards? How many interrogators? How many rooms? What was the distance between them? How many hallways and turns?_ _Who was in charge? Why did they need his grace?_

The last question ushered in a particular memory. He was in the lab. The same two men were experimenting and clearly growing frustrated with the lack of progress.

“He is not healing. Isn’t he supposed to self-heal?”

“From what the new guy told us, he is. But it looks more like he is dying.”

“Not sure how we’re supposed to weaponize him if he can hardly hold his head up.”

“I wish they’d let us remove either the collar or the cuffs. Maybe that would help.”

_Okay, so they wanted to make me a weapon_. Cas realized he was most likely in the custody of the military and not the CIA. With that thought, he moved onto personnel. At last count, he had counted four guards on duty. Two who escorted him and two standing guard in the lab hallway. There were five different interrogators. Most of the time the same two men experimented on him. Joined only by the other if his condition had worsened. Castiel assumed he was a doctor. Racking his brain he tried to recall how many others he saw as he was walked the hallways. Most doors were windowless, but the labs were not. On any given day, there were at least four people in each of the large labs. Which put the total of personnel in his section of the facility at twenty-four. Strategically, it was a high number, but the only one’s who appeared armed were the guards and interrogators. That cut the number to nine. _Doable if I can heal and access a small amount of grace._

A weapon. He would need a weapon. If he was still in his former cell, he could attack the guards as they removed him from the cell. That hall was dark and they were always alone. Now, however, he was on the main floor where there was more activity. The area was well lit and he did not know if he was being guarded. The woman was the only person he saw as they made their way to the room, but that did not mean others were not posted outside. He thought about the hallway and the number of doors. He did not recall passing the large labs on route to this room. Although considering the circumstances which brought him to this room, he could not be sure of his recollections.

His body shook and his stomach heaved before he could push those images away. He forced down the bile and hugged himself. _Not the time. Ignore the memory._  With those thoughts, Castiel closed his eyes and envisioned the numerous hallways. None appeared to lead directly to an exit. He assumed he was deep within the building. It would take time to make his way from the building. Once he was out of the room, avoiding detection would be the first issue. The second would be finding a path out of the building. There were most likely more locked doors on the path out. He would need sufficient grace to get past them all.

Castiel dropped his head into his hands. His grace would take time to regenerate, but he did not have time. He needed out. He had no choice. If he died in the attempt to escape, so be it. Better to fight his way out, then die a slow painful death filled with disgust and shame. His body was his and no one would ever take control of it again. _Never. Never. Never._ As he repeated the word over and over, he felt stronger. His mind grew sharper and he felt a flicker of grace as his soul flared.

_Back to the task at hand. Retrace your steps._ The main hallway appeared to be the one with the labs. The large doors leading to that hall seemed to be a main entrance of sorts. The section of the facility he was currently in was large. Based on the number of turns, he thought he traversed four hallways to get to this room.

The first hallway housed interrogation rooms. In the second hallway, all the doors were closed and windowless. The third hallway was familiar but Cas could not place it. The final hallway faded from his memory. He could not recall which way he turned as he entered each corridor. He knew this detail was significant so he focused on his body’s movements. He drew in his past memories of the place to aid in the process.

Four weeks in he was taken to a new room. This one was smaller than the others and a lone chair sat in the center. One guard walked him into the room and sat him on the floor. It was only then when he saw the metal plates with rings on the floor. As he sat, his legs were spread and his ankles were chained to the floor. His arms were then pulled between his legs and he was cuffed to the floor. The position put enormous strain on his back. It stretched his wounds, reopening some. The guards left and it took several minutes before he was joined by a tall, muscular man. Without a word, the man walked across the room and punched Castiel in the face.

“Now, we have been very patient, but it is time to cooperate. Your stay so far has been a picnic and I intend to rectify that unless you tell us what we need to know.”

A one-sided conversation ensued. After each unanswered question, the man either punched the angel or pressed different implements into his wounds. Despite his best efforts, Cas cried out a few times. It was at those moments he witnessed a glimpse of pleasure in the man’s eyes. The look steeled the angel’s resolve. He would not give the man the satisfaction of breaking him. His mind closed and he tuned out completely. Only tuning back in when the man left and he was being unchained.

The guards took their time taking him back to the basement. They rarely talked, but for some reason they filled this walk with chatter. It gave Cas the opportunity to observe his surroundings more closely. He passed five doors before turning right. The next hall was short and they turned right at the end. He lost the path for a second until he pulled in another memory.

He was in the small lab. No longer strapped to the bed, he was pushed against the wall. The cuffs dug into this stomach and the collar pulled on his neck as his head was turned to the side. In this position he could see out the only window in the room. He could see part of the glass wall in one of the larger labs. He tried to shift his head further to get a better look, but his head was shoved roughly back against the wall. Pressure and pain exuded from his thighs and lower back.

Snapping back into the present, Castiel analyzed the memory and realized the last turn had taken him to the labs. It did not make sense. Backtracking he tried to see where he went wrong. He knew the trip to the replica of Naomi’s room took a long time and led down unknown corridors. And when he left there, he walked down several hallways. Yet as he recalled the trip in reverse he was back to the labs within a few turns. Combining the memories and trips was confusing him. Each trip overlaid the other and he lost the underlying path. Clearing his mind, he ignored his trip to the replica room and focused on the last corridors he traversed.

One room at a time. One corridor at a time. New or familiar. Count the windows. Look for similarities. Turn left. Turn right. Stop. Locked doors. Lab rooms. Walls. Stairs. Light to dark.  

Start at the current room. Five doors. Short corridor. Short corridor. Long hallway. Stop. Locked door. Small lab.

Heaving a deep sigh, the angel repeated the sequence until he was sure of its accuracy. There was light at the end of the tunnel. He knew he could at least make it past the labs and once there he could make his way out to what he hoped was a less secured section of the building. Maybe there would be exit signs. He scoffed at his own wishful thinking. When had anything ever been easy. Most likely he would be confronted with a labyrinth of corridors, locked doors and guards. With that depressing thought, Cas lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. A fitful sleep overcame him. He awoke with a start and a tingling sensation. It niggled at his mind as if to say its time.


	34. The Search Begins

A week had passed since Cas was taken. Every lead so far had failed to materialize. It was as if he vanished into thin air. Claire and Garth continued to stake out the facility but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Derek never returned and discussions began about pulling them out. They were both exhausted and needed a break. Although neither complained, the sound of their voices gave them away. Jody thought she had a lead on Derek only to find the apartment vacated. A few items left behind gave Charlie a new avenue for her search but nothing had panned out yet. She kept at it even when Bobby tried to pull her from the computer. It was only when she passed out on the keyboard that the old hunter was able to convince her to go to bed.

Pamela and Darla used any and every psychic trick in the book to track the angel. They narrowed the search to the Western United States, but the search area remained massive. Meg and Crowley disappeared on the eve of the first day and had not returned. Gabriel received reports from them, but they could not find any suspicious activity. They did find several warded buildings, but none contained the angel.

The usually jovial archangel grew tired and frustrated with each passing day. He zapped in and out several times a day. With each negative report, sadness filtered deeper into the house. Dean and Sam had packed the impala and headed out. They followed any lead on government or military structures Charlie and Bobby found, to no avail. Either the place was boarded up or wasn’t warded.  

On the eighth day, they were supposed to reconvene at the house. Everyone arrived except Claire and Garth. Calls to them went unanswered and worry set in. After several hours, those who needed rest took it. The others talked late into the night hoping for a call. It was nearing dawn when Dean’s phone rang.

“Claire.”

“Hey, Dean. Sorry for not answering, but we were busy.” Her voice was tired, but not strained.

Dean thought he heard a hint of happiness in her tone. “Busy with what?”

“Following Derek.”

“You’re shittin’ me.”

“Nope. He showed up around noon. Stayed for a couple of hours before heading out.”

Clamoring in the room made it difficult to hear so Dean turned to the others and relayed Claire’s news. When everyone quieted down, he returned to his conversation with Claire. “Okay Blondie. Where are you?”

The sigh he received showed her exhaustion. “Just outside of El Paso.”

“What the fuck is he doing in Texas?”

“Garth’s best guess is that it has something to do with Fort Bliss.”

Dean closed his eyes and tried to think as Claire continued to talk. “Hold on Claire.” He turned to Sam and told him to wake Charlie and to tell her to get all the information she could on El Paso and Fort Bliss.

 

Several hours later and after everyone was fed, Charlie dispensed her information. “Fort Bliss is a massive military complex. It includes the headquarters for the El Paso Intelligence Center, Biggs Army Airfield, and an installation of the United States Army Forces Command. The fort works with surrounding installations like the White Sands Missile Range. They monitor weapons testing, missile launches and host military exercises. From what I could gather there is also a drone airfield nearby. And it’s home to some armored divisions and artillery brigades.”

Sam was the first to interject. “Sounds to public to be holding Cas. Too much activity and too many personnel.”

“Based on the satellite images of each of the installations I would agree with you, Sam.” Charlie hesitated, opened her mouth and then shut it.

“Okay I know that look. What is it red?”

Charlie looked at Dean and smiled. “Okay, so I was thinking. We know they were trying to find research on angels, and what exactly would the US military want with an angel except his power. Fort Bliss specializes in military weapons testing. Sooo, it only makes sense that they want Cas as a weapon. Why else would Derek be there?”

A few heads nodded and then Pamela said, “If that’s true, wouldn’t they keep him there.”

“I don’t think so. It’s not a development center and it’s definitely not covert.”

Sam quickly agreed with Charlie. “The place would need to be more like a black site.”

The psychic frowned. “But from what Charlie told us, I thought he was taken by the military, not the CIA.”

Shaking his head, Sam reiterated, “I said like a black site. With Derek’s location, I don’t think there is any doubt the military has him. The only question is where.”

Pulling up a long list of so-called secret military sites, Charlie discussed the merits and faults of each one. Some were little more than rumors. Others were too well-known to be considered secret. After narrowing it down to three possible locations, she moved onto her own configurations. Remote locations in the US with unexpected electrical use or areas satellites mysteriously missed. Once the list was finalized, they ended up with fifteen locations located in the Western US.

“These are all over the damn place and some don’t appear to have roads, access points, or cell coverage.”

Gabriel chuckled. “Not like I need a road, Dean.” After receiving the expected glare, the archangel said, “The real problem is the huge area each of these locations covers. We are talking about miles and miles of unused land. And if they have the place warded correctly, I would have to be close to even sense the warding. I could be within a mile and miss it.”

“There isn’t much choice then. We need to physically go to each location, but first we need to rank them.” Dean looked at Charlie and asked, “How much detail you got on each of these?”

She shook her head, “Not enough.”

“All right then divvy up the list and let’s get started.”

 

Hours later the assembled group laid out their findings. After much deliberation, they ranked the fifteen locations. A problem arose when the top five areas were in five different states. Ranging from Idaho to West Texas. As they mapped out the spots, they found locations at the bottom of list were within half a day’s driving distance of those at the top. This discovery elicited further discussion. The arguments grew heated. When it turned into yelling, Sam called a halt.

“We are not solving anything. Let’s stop and eat.”

A calm washed over the house as Charlie and Dean prepared the food. Bobby and Gabriel carried on a whispered conversation as they made their way into the living room. Sam and Pamela went out into the garden. As they went to sit on one of the benches, Meg and Crowley arrived. “Castiel is not at Fort Bliss.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at the demon. “Wait. How did you know about Fort Bliss?”

“You wound me, Moose. Why do you think so little of my abilities?”

Meg huffed, “Right, your abilities. You mean the ability to answer a phone.”

“Oh, ruin all my fun why don’t you, Meg. If you must know, my kissing buddy Bobby called to let me know.”

Pamela sat up and stared at Crowley. “I think I need to hear this story.”

Sam sighed, “No you really don’t.” He stood then and headed for the house. “Come on, we should tell the others.”

 

As they sat around the table, Crowley filled them in on his search. “There was no warding of any kind at any of the base’s installations. We searched some of the more remote buildings but found no sign of him. As far as I’m concerned, he is not there.”

Bobby nodded, “It was a long shot. None of us thought he was there, but at least we have confirmation.”

“Where does that leave us?” asked Meg.

“In a giant ass argument.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t that bad Dean. Besides, we have the locations we just need to figure out how to search them.”

“And I reiterate, a giant ass argument. Come on Sammy. No one can agree. We spent two hours arguing and got nowhere. I think we should just load up the cars and go. Start at number one.”

“Yeah and then what Dean. We have to plan this out or we will be driving back and forth over the entire Western United States.”

Bobby slammed his hand on the table. “Stop ya idjits. Rehashing the same argument is not going to solve this. The reasonable solution is to divide into three teams. Each team is assigned a quadrant and they work that area in order of rank.”

Everyone stopped to stare at Bobby. “What never heard a good idea before?” huffed the older man.

“Where was this brilliant idea two hours ago?” snapped Dean.

Bobby whacked the back of Dean's head. “I don’t know. Maybe you had to stop griping for me to think of it.” The younger man blushed as he side-eyed Bobby. “That’s what I thought,” said Bobby.

Charlie pulled out her laptop as the others continued to eat and talk. It took no time at all for her to map out the sectors. Section 1: Northwestern States; Section 2: Northern Mountain States; Section 3: Southwestern States.  No one argued with her divisions, but they did argue about who should be paired up. That discussion continued through their preparations.

It took the better part of the next two days to prepare everyone for their journeys. They made sure everyone had credit cards and several IDs. Dean outfitted each car with weapons, while Sam went in search of military wear. Once the final argument was settled and the cars were packed. Dean and Pamela left in the Impala bound for Emery county Utah. Sam and Charlie made for West Texas. Bobby headed to Sioux Falls to pick up Jody and then they were headed to Sweetwater County Wyoming. Meg, Crowley and Gabriel stayed at the house until the others were gone.

“Garth and Claire need a break, so Meg and I will head back to El Paso. Where are you off to?”

Gabriel looked down at the map and let the sweep of his eyes decide. “Looks like I’m going to Kansas.”

“Wait.” Gabriel was gone before Meg could finish. She looked at Crowley. “That isn’t one of the places listed.”

Crowley shrugged his shoulders and said, “Angels,” as if that explained it.

 

Here are the lists our hunters departed with. All remote locations in the Western US.

Section 1  
Eastern Utah – Emery County  
Eastern Nevada off route 50  
Owyhee County Idaho  
Southeastern Oregon  
Desolation Wilderness Northern California

Section 2  
Sweetwater County Wyoming  
Hinsdale County Colorado  
Selway-Bitterroot Region in Idaho  
Absoraka Mountain Range Wyoming  
North of Great Falls Montana

Section 3  
West Texas  
Oklahoma Panhandle  
Area around Supai Arizona  
Southwestern New Mexico  
Nebraska Sand Hills


	35. So Much Land to Cover

“Shit, there’s no way this area houses some top-secret military site.”

Pamela nodded, “It’s too open. I get why no one comes here it’s like an apocalyptic wasteland.”

Shoving the last of their gear into the trunk, Dean dropped his head against the lid. The last week had been hell. No one had found a trace of Cas. And now Pamela and Dean crossed off the second location on their list. Tension filled the hunter’s body as he thought of Cas. Twenty-two days since he was last seen. Everyday got harder for Dean. He did not want to lose hope, but he found himself lost in his own head. Often. Too often. Pamela tried to engage him in conversation which he appreciated, but it did little to assuage his despair.

“I know this is a setback, but we are narrowing it down. Our next two locations are near each other so we should be able to cover them faster.”

“Really, we only have to search large sections of Idaho, Nevada and Oregon. Piece of cake.”

Pulling him away from the car, Pamela shut the trunk and walked him to the driver’s door. “We need food and rest. And we should check in with the others.”

Dean pulled open the door and sat down heavily. He had the car started and in gear before Pamela shut the door. Traveling along the dirt road they made their way back to a small highway. Over an hour later they made it to Nevada’s Highway 50 which seemed just as desolate as the area they come from. “I see why they call this the Loneliest Road in America. I’ve driven all over this country and this place is just sad. What’s the next town?”

“We just passed Eureka, so that would be Austin. But it looks tiny. We have to head north out of Fallon anyway, so we might as well go there.”

“Fine. How far?”

“Three hours but the way you drive…” Pamela chuckled as she poked Dean in the arm. The hunter found himself smiling at the psychic. It was the first time all day that he relaxed. The knot in his chest loosened and he found himself breathing a sigh of relief. As Dean turned his head to face the road, Pamela said, “Best guess, we make it in two.”

“Oh, you know me so well.”

 

Two hours and fifteen minutes later they were checked-in to their motel. As Dean brought in their bags, Pamela called Charlie. The call was finished before Dean reentered the room. “No answer I take it.”

“Had to leave a message. Do you want to call Jody?”

Shaking his head, Dean said, “Nah, you go ahead. I’m going to shower.” He felt Pamela watching him as he pulled some clothes from his bag and made his way into the tiny bathroom. After shutting the door, he stared at himself in the mirror. He’d aged over the last few weeks. His skin was dry and he was in desperate need of a shave. But it was his eyes that displayed the true nature of his weariness. There usual bright green was faded and dull. The dark bags added to the overall sallow look. Running his hand over his face, Dean turned away from the mirror and turned the shower on. He slowly undressed. Every move seemed to accentuate the aches in his body. As the room filled with steam, the hunter stepped into the shower. Leaning his head on the wall, he let the scalding hot water cascade down his back. His mind drifted.

He found himself awash in memories of Cas. From their very first meeting to their last. Each moment touched something deep inside and eased his loneliness. Dean knew giving into the sensation was hazardous, but he did it anyway. He wanted to feel, if only for these few minutes. _There you are. I’ve missed you and your fucking blue eyes. The others were right you know. We stared at each other a lot over the years. And every time it was as if you stared into my soul_.   As he washed, he continued his internal conversation with Cas. It was when he rinsed his hair that the fantasy came crashing down. Suddenly, he was back in the shitty motel bathroom and alone. The emptiness engulfed him again as he felt Cas’ loss all over again. Tears streamed down his face. He tugged on his hair to try to regain some measure of control. When he felt calmer, he turned the shower off. He dried himself quickly before getting dressed. Still damp, he struggled to pull on his jeans. Yanking hard he fell into the sink hitting his hip. Looking down at the red mark, he began to laugh. His laughter grew louder and more hysterical. It only subsided when he heard Pamela banging on the door and calling his name.

“I’m okay. Just give me a second.” He buttoned his pants and pulled on his t-shirt before opening the door. Pamela stood a few feet away wide-eyed and clearly worried. “I’m fine. I fell into the sink and hurt my hip.”

Pamela’s faced shifted from worried to confused. “And that made you laugh?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.” His answer only intensified her perplexed expression. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not losing it if that’s what you think.”

“Dean, I don’t think you’re losing it. These last few days, hell the last few weeks have been stressful so I get it.”

Grabbing his keys, Dean made for the door. “Let’s go eat.”

 

Sitting in a booth with sticky seats in a small non-descript diner, Pamela filled Dean in on her conversation with Jody. “They haven’t had any luck and Jody has to get back to work. Alex can’t fill in this time because school has started again.”

“Bobby’s on his own then.”

“No, Claire and Garth are headed in that direction. Meg is keeping watch in El Paso. Derek visits the base, but other than that he just sits in the small apartment he rented.”

Dean ran his hand roughly down his face and then gripped the edge of the table. “Nothing. Every damn time. Maybe Crowley’s right.”

“Don’t even go there, Dean. We all agreed it’s better to watch him. If we take Derek, they’ll move Cas or worse. And he may not even know where he is.” Pamela reached across the table and pulled Dean’s hand free. “They can’t know we have any idea who took Cas.”

“I know. I’m just so frustrated. I hate this.” Dean looked up at Pamela and smiled crookedly. “You know I never handled it well when Cas was gone. I called his phone constantly or prayed a ridiculous amount. It seems funny that I never realized what that meant. And now I may never…”

Pamela squeezed his hand. “Dean, you always knew.”

The hunter scoffed, “Yeah I did. And that only makes it worse. I was so damn stupid.” They sat in silence for several seconds. “I said that same thing to him once. And you know what his response was?” Pamela shook her head as Dean smiled at the memory. “He said, _You were stupid for the right reasons_. And he said it with conviction like there was no other possibility.”

“That sounds like Castiel.”

Dean let go of Pamela’s hand and turned to look out the dirty window. “Yeah, he always had too much faith in me.”

“He had faith in you for good reason, so I don’t want to hear any more of this negative bullshit. You are a great hunter and he knows you won’t quit until you find him.”

Still looking out the window, Dean nodded. “Not until we bring him home.”

 

A ringing phone woke them in the early morning hours. Fumbling for it, Dean knocked his hand into the small nightstand. Cursing, he answered the phone. “Fuck, hello.”

“Good morning to you to.”

“Sorry Charlie. What’s up?”

Charlie started spewing information. “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to research where you and Pamela are headed. That’s a huge area. Let me tell you. The variety of terrain and it covers like three states. So, I was thinking I could help narrow it down. There was way more out there than I was expecting. Ghost towns and abandoned mines. Tons of federal land. And that is actually why I’m calling. I know one of your search areas covers Harney and Malheur counties in Oregon. And for some reason I thought I remembered that name. And I was right. Some guys took over a Federal wildlife refuge. There was a forty-day standoff with federal authorities and a bunch of protests. The state police and FBI were involved. There were arrests and a…”

“Charlie! What does this have to do with our search?”

Dean heard her take a deep breath. “Sorry. I guess you didn’t need to know all of that. It means you can remove that area from your search grid. No way there’s some secret base out there with all that activity.”

“Hold on let me pull up a map.” Pamela handed him her laptop and he typed in the name of the refuge. The area wasn’t their top priority in Oregon, but it was a large area to eliminate. “Thanks Charlie.”

“I know it’s a bit north of your main search area but I thought…” Her voice was tentative and sad as it trailed off. Dean felt a pang in his chest for his friend. They were all working so hard and he needed to remember he was not the only one hurting. “Listen Charlie, any little bit helps, so thank you.”

They said their good-byes and Dean laid back down. Pamela shut the light out and shuffled around in the bed. Dean listened as she finally settled and her breathing evened out. He closed his eyes and let the sound of her rhythmic breathing ease him into sleep.

 

Five days later found the pair searching their first ghost town near the Idaho-Nevada Border. The place had potential except for its designation as a historic site. They walked the perimeter and looked at the few remaining structures. The surrounding terrain looked promising. Cell-service was non-existent and it appeared to have few visitors, yet the road in had recently been resurfaced. By the time they finished their observations and made a final sweep of the town, the light was fading. Heading back to the Impala, they both labored.

“You’d think my body would be getting used to this grueling schedule and all the hiking.”

Dean laughed, “Yeah, no, mine will never get used to hiking. I hate this. I can’t believe people do this for fun.” Seeing the Impala brought another laugh. “Now, riding in Baby that is fun.” Dean ran his hand affectionately along the fender. They drove out to the main road and ten minutes later their phones were pinging with text messages and voicemails.

Staring at Dean, Pamela said, “They have a lead.”


	36. Somewhere in Montana

In the northwestern part of Montana, Bobby had stumbled on a heavily warded hillside. After carefully searching the area with Claire and Garth, and two days of observation, he called in Gabriel. The archangel immediately sensed the warding and pulled the others back. They drove out of the immediate area until Gabriel told them they could stop. “What exactly have you three found?”

Bobby frowned, “That’s what we called you for.”

“Well, whoever warded that place new what they were doing. It weakened me before I even touched down.”

Claire looked over at the angel. “That’s why we had to leave?”

A quick nod and then Gabriel said, “Not a big fan of feeling limp.” Claire rolled her eyes and shoved him. “Ow, you can’t push me in my weakened state.” This elicited an even more dramatic eye-roll from the young hunter. “You have definitely spent too much time with Castiel. You’re almost as good at that as he is.”

The mention of the angel’s name made Claire flinch and all semblance of humor fled. She opened her door and stepped from the car.

“Was it something I said?”

Shaking his head, Bobby glared in the rearview mirror. “Wow, for a heavenly being you sure are dense sometimes.” Gabriel stared back but remained silent. “You mentioned Castiel. That girl acts tough and flippant, but she cares for him. I think more than anyone understands.” The hunter got out of the car and joined Claire before the angel could respond.

Turning to the other occupant of the car, Gabriel said, “Got nothing to add?”

Garth just looked at Gabriel with sad eyes. The look made the archangel uncomfortable so he vanished from the car. Seconds later, he materialized near Claire and Bobby with Crowley at his side. “Now that the gang is back together how about we figure out what this place is," said The King of Hell as he took in those around him. “Did I miss something?”

“No, let’s get started,” seethed Claire.

“I see she’s as pleasant as ever.”

“Shut it, Crowley. We have work to do.” Bobby gestured back toward the hillside. “It’s about a mile back.”

The angel explained the intensity of the warding and the sophistication required to create it. The sigils and their placement meant whoever warded the place was extremely knowledgeable when it came to angels. As Gabriel finished his description, Crowley disappeared. The demon was gone a few minutes before returning hunched over. “They did not only know about angels. That is heavy duty warding and it covers a large area. I don’t believe I even sensed the most heavily warded area. I think it was only the periphery.”

The hunters watched as Gabriel and Crowley compared their information. It was the angel who spoke. “We both agree. The warding goes deep into the hillside. There is something in there, but we won't be able to figure out what it is unless the warding is removed. I can’t sense the structure or the presence of angels or souls.”

“Could it be that the place is simply empty?” asked Garth.

Gabriel nodded. “I suppose it’s a possibility, but then why would it be warded.”

“No matter what, we need to get in there and find out. Castiel could be in there.” Claire radiated frustration and her impatience was visible to all as she added, “How are we going to do that? We don’t even know where the entrance is.”

“Leave that to the angel and I.” Both were gone in a flash. Bobby took the opportunity to discuss the situation with Claire and Garth. They did not know much, but Garth was inclined to tell the others, if only to give them some hope. Bobby disagreed because false hope was a dangerous thing. It was Claire who ultimately made the decision. If she were in the other’s shoes, she would want to know, even if the chances were slim. “And this is anything but slim. We have angel warding in the middle of nowhere. They deserve to know.”

Ten minutes later, Gabriel and Crowley returned without an answer. They mapped the perimeter and ventured to the most guarded area but did not find an entrance. “Well that settles it. We need to get to town and dig further into the history of this place,” said Bobby.

 

As soon as they got into cell service, calls and texts went out with brief details and asking for help researching. No one answered as expected. They were all stuck in the most uncivilized parts of the country. At the motel, Bobby pulled out some of his dusty old-tomes while Claire got to work on her laptop. Garth volunteered to get food. The angel and the demon left without a word.

“I hate when they do that. Why is it so hard to tell us what they’re up to?”

“For angels, I think it’s hardwired. Cas used to do that all the time.  Drove Dean nuts.” Claire watched as she saw Bobby’s eye grow fond at the memory. “Boy those two could really push each other’s buttons, yet the respect was always there.”

Claire looked thoughtful before asking, “Do you think they always loved each other? I didn’t know them in the beginning, but when Cas was inside of me, I saw Dean through his eyes. I don’t even know how to explain Castiel's feelings. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced anything close to that. And the way Dean looked when he realized Cas was there…”

“Yeah, I’ve seen that look. Dean was never very good at hiding how he felt when Cas returned. And it was even more obvious when Cas was gone. He drank himself into oblivion while trying to tell himself it was all right.”

Sadness permeated the room. “That’s why I don’t understand what he was doing all those months. Castiel was right there. He could have been with him that whole time.”

“Dean was taught one way of being and what the angel represented did not match up. Cas shook the very foundation of who Dean thought he was.”

Claire’s expression went from confusion to indignance. “So, it really was about Cas being a man.” Bobby nodded. “I mean I thought that may be part of it, but…that’s just stupid.”

“There was more to it, but at the heart of it was Dean’s inability to accept himself.” Bobby smiled, “But he got past that.”

“That was pretty obvious. What with all the hugging and soul-grace bonding?” Claire stood up and crossed to the window. She pulled back the curtain and took in the beauty of this part of the country. Traveling across Montana, she understood why it was called Big Sky Country. The vastness filled her with a sense of wonder. She rarely felt at ease in the world, and the tumultuous nature of their lives did little to help. But something about those weeks before Cas disappeared made her think there was a life out there for all of them. “I joke about it, but I’m happy they found their way back to each other.” Bobby’s phone rang, interrupting her musings.

“Hey, Sam.” Bobby paused. “Yeah that would be great. We’re working on it, but if Charlie can find anything it would help.” Another pause, as Sam spoke and then Bobby said, “No. Not yet anyway. We don’t know enough to warrant you guys coming here.” The conversation went on for another minute. When it ended, the old hunter turned to Claire. “Let’s get to work.”

 

In the hot southwest, Sam hung up the phone with a feeling of hope. He said as much to Charlie, but the red-head shook her head. “We don’t know anything, Sam.”

“Hey, you’re supposed to be the one who stays positive.”

Charlie’s eyes clouded with tears. “I don’t have anymore of that in me right now. Each lead we’ve had, has crushed me when it turned out to be nothing. I can’t get my hopes up anymore.”

Standing, Sam approached the table and sat next to Charlie. He pulled her into his arms. “I understand. However you need to get through this is fine by me.”

As he released her, she reached for the laptop. “Staying busy is the only way I know how.” With the exact coordinates, Charlie was able to limit her search parameters. Several hours later, she had compiled the history of the area. Each change of ownership. Land use permits. Taxes. The property rarely changed hands. After years of defaulting on the taxes, the last individual owner lost the land. After years unclaimed, it was purchased by a small energy company in 1924, yet no permits were ever issued. She could not find a land survey or a record of any construction. The taxes were paid every year, but that was the only paper trail. The small company did not own any other properties in Montana. Most of their footprint was on the east coast. It did not add up. A company that small would normally not waste money on an unused property.

She relayed her findings to Sam. “What else did you find on the company?”

Charlie pulled up that screen. “It is family run and barely profitable. There is nothing that stands out as fishy about the owners or employees. The results of the background checks I did were pretty standard.”

“I assume you sent the info to Claire.”

“Yep. Now what?’

Leaning back in his chair, Sam said, “We wait.”

 

The next call Bobby received was from Dean. Before he even said hello, Dean said, “We’re coming.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But Bobby..”

“No, Dean. We still need to find out more about the place. Right now, we can’t do anything but research. You need to keep searching where you are.”

Bobby heard Dean deflate. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Is there anything we can do?”

The next fifteen minutes were filled with Bobby explaining every detail they had and assuring Dean they would let him know the minute things changed. The desperation in Dean’s voice was evident even as he tried to crack a joke. Trying to pull Dean out of his stupor, Bobby asked about their progress.

“Pamela and I are searching these ghost towns Charlie found. We visited the first one today and are planning on searching the surrounding terrain tomorrow. This whole part of Idaho seems promising to me. Not as promising as what you guys have found. I really wish I was there.”

“I know, but it’s better if we all stick to the plan.” A noise behind him made Bobby turn. “Crowley and Gabriel just returned. Let me find out what they know and I’ll call you back.”

The archangel explained the specifics of their trip. “We went in search of similar warding. We both agree they resemble the one’s in the bunker. A few other spots carry variations on those markings. Most are overseas, but the angel warding in this place is superior to any we found. This could be a sign Castiel is in there, but it could also mean this a Men of Letters installation.”

Claire and Bobby exchanged a look. Both had similar expressions. Crowley watched the exchange. “I see by your faces that you are more inclined to believe the latter.”

“Seems more likely this is the Men of Letters with the date Charlie found, but we still need to rule it out,” said Bobby.

Gabriel sat down on the bed, leaned back against the headboard, and crossed his feet. “This new information makes it easier. We’re familiar with their tricks which should make finding the entrance easier. Might as well relax and watch some TV. We can’t do anymore tonight.”


	37. Locks Break

Pushing himself off the bed, Castiel paced the room. The niggling sensation did not leave. In fact, it had intensified. This was the moment. Before they came for him again, he needed to remove the collar. Accessing his soul was the only way, but it reacted differently than his grace. It was more unwieldy. Ruled by emotion, souls blazed their own path. They weaved and waned. When he wanted to remove his, it refused to follow his instruction. It dove deeper and splintered to avoid his reach. It was his only true effort to access it and it had failed miserably. One thing he clung to was that this time he wasn’t trying to remove it. He was trying to use it to help himself. He hoped this would make it respond to his request. Sitting on the bed, he centered himself. Blocking out his pain and his memories, he focused solely on the task at hand. With his eyes closed, he envisioned his soul, seeing the light but also seeing the fissures. A flicker of blue caught his attention. His grace reached for him. Tried to follow the commands he set for his soul. It pushed and prodded, but Cas looked away.

Regaining his composure, he once again focused on his soul. It felt raw. Flinching back from him, it appeared to shrink. The further away it got, the more his grace surged. It was the first time he felt such power from his grace since they placed the collar around his neck. Thinking back to his time in the hole, he remembered his examination of the collar and handcuffs. They worked on grace not souls, so why was his soul waning and his grace flaring. On closer inspection, he felt the presence of an outside power source.

This brought the angel up short and he lost his concentration. His eyes opened and he saw the room around him. The vision of his soul was gone. Hanging his head, he sighed heavily. The potential was there. He knew it, but after the attempt he was drained and bereft. The pain in his body was more noticeable and with each passing second it grew harder to ignore the newest pain. Each twinge brought unwanted images. Using what little strength he had left, he pushed those thoughts aside. Replacing them with thoughts of his family and his home. Easing himself back on the bed he laid down, shut his eyes and let his exhaustion sweep him away.

The rattle of keys woke him, but he remained motionless. He heard two distinct sets of footfalls and assumed the guards were there to take him back to his original cell. When soft hands touched him, he snapped his eyes open. The woman from the previous day was standing above him as she gently stroked the back of his hand. Next to her was the man from the lab. The one he presumed was a doctor. As the man approached, the woman stepped back and walked out of the room. Using a penlight, the man checked his eyes and then held his fingers to the pulse point on Castiel's wrist. Once he finished, he proceeded to inspect the worst of his wounds. Cas let his eyes drift to the door. He saw the woman returning with a rolling cart covered in medical supplies. The IV bags caught his eye. He stared at them with hope. Badly dehydrated and unable to keep anything down, Cas knew he needed fluids.

The man cleaned the large wound on his shoulder before the woman wrapped it. The remainder of the supplies went untouched. They turned and left the room without shutting the door. Just as Cas went to stand, the woman returned with a food tray containing a sandwich and sliced apples. He ignored the tray and reached for the bottle of water. She handed it to him before placing the tray at the end of the bed. She exited without saying a word. Taking his time, Cas sipped and nibbled over the next few hours. He fought his nausea and managed to keep down the food and water. Heartened by the small amount of sustenance he decided it was time to make another attempt at removing the collar.

Sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, Castiel decided to approach the process from a different direction. If his grace was intent on showing its presence, he would use it. He pulled the small amount of grace forward and once again it surged. The flare was more intense this time. It was as if it was seeking his remaining grace. Redirecting its path, Cas pushed it at his soul. There was resistance at first but then he sensed a softening of the barrier. Soon, his grace found its way through. It touched his soul and he collapsed forward as an electric shock raced through his body. He felt as if his blood was boiling in his body and his heart might burst with the intensity. But then the cracks in his soul began to heal. The jagged edges fused together. As the last crack closed, the angel collapsed. A bright white light blinded him before all went black.

Swathed in darkness, Cas tried to stand, but his legs were too weak. He cracked his head on the floor as he fell. A wave of dizziness came over him which led to a new bout of nausea. Hope started to recede. His body was just so weak and pain was ever present. He knew he did not have enough time to feel sorry for himself. The angel in him thought he was being ridiculous. He was made to withstand torture and torment. Standing resolute was the way of his kind. This other part. The part that despaired was entirely human. As much as he wanted to begrudge that part, he knew he would never want it gone. Because without it, he would not know the true meaning of family and love. And he could endure any amount of pain and anguish if it meant getting back to them.

Bracing himself on the floor, he pushed himself to his knees. The tingling sensation returned. It filled him with warmth and eased some of his pain. Using the slight reprieve, he stood and walked over to the sink. He splashed some water on his face and checked his head. When he realized there was no blood, he sighed in relief. He did not need any more wounds, especially a head wound. Standing erect, shoulders back and feet squared, Cas put his hands to his chest and pressed. He felt the beat of his heart. Counting along with the rhythm, attuning his mind to his body, he sought the center of his being. Grace and soul swirling inside. He needed them to work in tandem. But how? It was unnatural in many ways. Although when he had put Dean's tattered soul back together, his grace showed no restraint. It worked rapidly and intently. Why was it different for his own soul?

A thought seeped into his musings. His grace new one soul intimately. Cherished that soul. And now he was asking it to cherish another. If he had access to more grace, he suspected it would not be a problem. The tiny sliver of grace, however, did not want to divide its loyalty.   Instead of forcing it, he needed to gently coax the process. He crossed the small room and laid down on the bed. He kept his hand on his heart and let himself relax. When he was near sleep, he opened his mind. He nudged his grace and encouraged his soul. And then he waited.

He focused on his heartbeat and his breathing. He had no idea how much time passed as he continued to remain on the edge of sleep. The sounds outside his room filtered in. An increase of activity and voices greeted him as his drowsiness faded. He feared they were coming for him, but no one stopped at his door. In fact, the sounds grew fainter with every passing second. As it dissipated his body arched and his breath caught. This was it. If it failed now, he would not have the strength left to escape. Closing his eyes, he whispered, “Please.” He repeated the word until his throat hurt.

His voice gave out, and the room went eerily silent. Cas opened his eyes just as the lights flickered. The sight eased some of his tension. As his body relaxed, his soul and grace connected. The fluorescent lights brightened and an orange hue filled the room. A peace washed over him. Sighing with relief, the angel felt a shift inside of him. There was no longer a separation between the angel and the human. He no longer filled either role and wondered what that made him. The only thing to come to mind was a Nephilim, but he knew inherently that did not adequately define him. Despite his musings and his situation, Castiel, for the first time in his existence, felt whole. This was who he was meant to be. No matter the path taken and the pain endured, he did not regret it because it brought him to this moment. And now he needed to channel the power of his newly created self to break the lock on the collar. Just as he started, he heard footsteps at his door and the jangle of keys.

The door opened to reveal two guards. Without a word, they entered and pulled him roughly from the bed. Dragging him out of the room and down the hall, the guards practically ran through the building. Cas lost his footing, but the guards did not slow until they reached the stairs. Everyone they passed along the way was rushing and panicked. Loud voices rang out from every corridor. Castiel had never seen this much activity at one time. Before he could assess the situation, the guards hauled him down the stairs. They shoved him into his former cell and slammed the door, engaging all the locks. He saw the shadow of their feet outside his door.

Minutes passed and the guards remained. Something significant was happening and he assumed it concerned him. He felt a tug inside and the tingling returned. The message this time was clear. Get out now. He pushed all his strength into his bonded soul and grace. Channeling the energy into one goal. There was an electric charge in the air and it crackled around him. Heat radiated from the metal around his neck. Just as it became unbearable, the lock snapped. Reaching up he thrust the hated object aside. He took several deep breaths and steadied his pulse. His graced-up soul tried to heal his body, but Cas feared it would drain him too much, leaving him unable to break the locks on the door. He shifted the energy to the door. Placing his hands on the heavy door, he felt the metal heat under his hands. The first lock disengaged. He heard the guards shuffling in response. Quickly he shifted his hands to the next, breaking it in seconds. The last one took more concentration because the guards were fighting to keep it locked. Centering himself once again, Cas focused on the final lock. This time the lock exploded. Red hot flames shot out and the door shuddered.

Shoving the door, he felt it give. Inch by inch it opened. He spotted the guards sprawled on the floor. Both were pushing themselves up to their knees. Shouldering the door open further, Cas stepped out into the hall. He kicked the first guard in the face. The man slumped back onto the floor. The second guard grabbed his leg. Cas lost his balance and fell, landing on his hip. He did not have time to register the pain because the guard proceeded to punch him. The force rocked him back. Cas used the separation to slam his knee into the man’s groin. He did not let the guard recover before punching him in the face. He repeated the blows until the man was unconscious.

Cas slowly got to his feet and searched the guards. He pulled out both of their IDs and retrieved their guns. Armed and ready for the task ahead, Cas climbed the stairs. A sound above him made him snap his head up. The sight before him sent shockwaves through his body. He stumbled, cracking his knee on the step. The rest of his body gave out and then everything went dark.


	38. Secrets Revealed

“Dean, you need to listen to everything before you freak out.”

“You already told me everything I need to know. Cas is not there. What else matters? And why the hell are you telling me this. You aren’t even there.”

“Everyone thought you might listen if I was the one to call.” Sam sighed tiredly. “I wish Cas had been there too, but the place has a wealth of information. It should help us find him. Charlie and I are heading to Montana as soon as we get off the phone.” Sam heard the sound of glass breaking. “Dean, I know this is hard, but you need to keep it together.”

“I’m not sure I know how to do that anymore, Sammy.” Dean breathed deeply. “You said something about information.”

Over the next hour, Sam laid out all the information gathered so far at the site in Montana. “The bunker was established after World War I. It housed a secret installation of the Men of Letters. One of several black ops sites scattered around the US. We knew the group splintered after the war, but we did not know that one splinter group was actually a newly developed division.”

Dean interrupted Sam. “I thought there was only one bunker.”

“We were wrong. There were black ops bunkers and something called fail safe bunkers. And get this, Fort Knox was a Men of Letters installation. During the years between the wars, the Men of Letters expanded, but it was after Hitler came to power that the clandestine services truly grew. They had training facilities and operation centers. Worked with foreign chapters of the Men of Letters.” Sam’s voice got louder and more excited as he talked. “These were not pencil pushers. They infiltrated Germany and Japan during WWII. Helped support the resistance against Nazi occupation and facilitated the escape of thousands of Jews.”

As Dean listened, his mind drifted to his time on a US submarine. He pictured Delphine holding the Hand of God. Sadness enveloped him at the memory of the lives lost. “Sam, we knew they had some members spying during the war, but…wow, this goes way beyond that.”

“And you haven’t heard half of it. Leading up to World War II, they began to recruit and train German, Japanese, and Jewish Americans at the Montana facility. They trained people throughout the war. The expansion was aided by an extremely secretive entity from outside the scope of the Men of Letters. Only those directly involved in espionage were privy to the information. And it was only with Gabriel’s help that we figured out who it was.” Sam’s voice faded out.

After several seconds of silence, Dean said, “Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?”

“It was Cas.”

“What do you mean it was Cas?”

Sam raised his voice in exasperation. “I MEAN it was CAS. He helped recruit, train, and transport the people involved. People like Eileen’s grandfather, Edward Durbin II. Supposedly he was an just envoy for the Men of Letters, but really, he was leader of their American spy ring in Europe during World War II. That woman you met on the submarine worked for Durbin. James Haggerty, the one who wrote, _The Inner Workings of Angels_ , worked with the French Resistance during the war. Cas recruited them and so many more.”

Pacing the small motel room, Dean tried to picture Cas, the spy. It fit him in more ways than one. The angel knew how to guard a secret. He was a talented strategist and knew how to effectively work on his own. “It makes sense that he would be part of all that.”

Sam chuckled, “That’s what I thought. Recruiting, training, organizing, and subverting seem to be hard-wired into his psyche.”

“Well, he did build an angel army in a few months.” Now it was Dean’s turn to laugh. “Although he lost it all in one day.”

“Only because he chose you, Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Dean sat down on the bed nearest the door. “So, we’re all meeting in Montana.”

“No. You and Pamela need to stay in Idaho and keep searching. They found some evidence that there is a bunker in Idaho. And Bobby said they are working on narrowing the search area. One of us will call when we know more.”

 

When Sam and Charlie arrived  in Montana, they found the place torn apart. Every scrap of information had been gathered into the command center. It reminded Sam of Bobby’s house and its organized chaos. Claire was trying to sort through the numerous piles, while Garth was flitting around the room. Crowley watched the spectacle with a tumbler of scotch in his hand. When he spotted Sam, he said, “Welcome Moose. Join the party.”

Ignoring the demon, Sam addressed Bobby. “Find anything new?”

“You could say that.” The old hunter held up a stack of notes. “Read these.”

Sam sat down next to Bobby and accepted the pile. The first page was a coded list which Bobby had cracked. It included the names of operatives active during the Second World War. The second page included a detailed account of a mission inside Nazi Germany. This was followed by numerous pages dealing with the resistance movement in Europe. The last three pages were filled with notes relating to Cas’ role. “So, it’s true. He did this.”

“Yes, he did.”

“Why didn’t he tell us?”

Bobby shook his head. “Sam, we knew he got reprogrammed. And I know I wasn’t around when you discovered Castiel had been brainwashed, but it stands to reason that during these procedures they wiped out memories. Especially the one’s where he went off mission.” Bobby slid a small notebook over to Sam. “And based on some of the info in that little black book, there is no way this was sanctioned by heaven.”

Crowley scoffed from his corner chair. “Of course, the angel would have the unsexy kind of black book. Now my black book is something to behold. Would you like…”

Cutting Crowley off, Sam emphatically said, “Nobody wants to see that.” Turning back to Bobby, Sam addressed the previous topic. “I agree. Heaven would not do this. The angels weren’t exactly altruistic.” Sam began flipping through the small book. “From what Samandriel told us, we knew Cas was special and had always cared. But I never thought it went this far.” The conversation tailed off as everyone got back to work. The black book remained in Sam’s possession. The younger Winchester pored over every page. Noting the amazing capabilities of his long-time friend. Despite their years together, Sam realized they knew very little of Cas’ life before he rescued Dean. And now here he was with evidence of an angel who always cherished humanity. A being who used his skills as a warrior to alter the course of the bloodiest human war in history. The details were complex but the facts were simple. An Angel of the Lord responded to the fear and pain he heard in prayers by violating orders and descending to earth. Sam wondered how many other times in his life Cas had done something similar. Based on Cas’ history with Naomi, it seemed likely it happened frequently. Sam closed the book when he finished reading and took in the room around him. His eyes settled on Bobby. The old hunter was slumped over a yellowed scroll, shaking his head.   “You know Bobby, Cas was an unsung hero of the war.”

“I can’t listen to anymore of this drivel. _Cas the hero. Amazing angel._ It’s making me sick to my stomach.” Crowley disappeared in a huff leaving a trail of sulfur behind him.

“What a drama queen.” Pushing his chair back, Bobby stood and walked over to Claire. He looked down at her laptop before turning back to Sam. “What Cas did goes beyond the war. With the help of the Men of Letters who worked inside British Intelligence, Cas and his group developed the basis for the OSS.”

Charlie jumped up from her seat and threw her arms in the air. “You’re telling me that Cas helped create the organization that became the CIA.”

“Yep,” said Claire.

“And you really think he doesn’t remember any of this.”

Staring at Charlie, Bobby shrugged, “Who knows? If he does, I’m not sure he'd necessarily like the organization he helped create.”

Sam nodded before he tipped his head back and gazed at the ceiling. “This is amazing and I’m glad we know, but it doesn’t really help us find Cas.

“Oh, but in fact it does.” Claire pressed a button under the table and the center dropped down. Following a grating noise, a large globe filled the empty space. “A series of coded messages appear in Castiel’s journal. We believe they are clues to locations, and if we can decipher them, we can use this globe to find them. And we’re hoping you and Charlie can figure this shit out.”

 

Hours passed and frustration grew. Charlie slammed her laptop shut and hurtled out of her seat. Stomping up the stairs she exited the bunker with a loud bang. Sam and Bobby watched her go, but neither made to stand. Claire turned to the men and glared. “I guess I’ll go after her.” The young woman shook her head as she made for the stairs. She found Charlie sitting on a large rock with her head in her hands. Her breathing was ragged and her body was taught. Claire had never seen Charlie so tense. The woman was usually positive and bubbly. The sight worried the young hunter.

Approaching with caution, Claire sat beside Charlie. “You okay?”

“I just…it’s so damn frustrating. I thought I had it but it led to a bunch of gibberish.” Lifting her head, she said, “It shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve cracked harder codes.”

Claire jumped down from the rock and held out her hand. Charlie frowned at the gesture. Waving her hand, Claire said, “Come on. I know what you need.” Tentatively, Charlie took Claire’s hand. The younger woman pulled the red-head to her feet and led her toward the cars. “We are going to get something to eat.”

“But...”

“But nothing. Your brain is on overload.” Seeing the wisdom in Claire’s statement, Charlie dropped her protests and got in the car. They arrived at a small diner and ate in relative silence. Once their plates were cleared Claire approached the topic. “Tell me what went wrong.”

Charlie talked her through the process while Claire gently prodded her with questions. These queries prompted Charlie to backtrack a few times. Rethinking her steps, Charlie discovered an error. It was not enough to break the code, but at least it was a place to start. “We need to get back, like now.” By the look of Charlie’s expression, Claire knew the woman had a breakthrough. Leaping out of her seat, Claire went to pay. She met the red-head at the car. Instead of the slow drive to the diner, Claire laid on the gas.

At the bunker, Charlie jumped out of the car and ran. She raced down the stairs and burst into the command center. In a flash, she had her laptop open and pounded the keys. Everyone in the room trained their eyes on her, but no one interrupted her work. It took over an hour before she looked up from the screen. “Sam get over here.” Sam walked across the room and sat down next to Charlie. Shifting her laptop, she pointed at the screen. “See this.” Studying the formulas and codes, Sam studied the process and the resulting tabulations. After careful analysis, the younger Winchester smiled and turned to face his friend. “I think you’re onto something.” Bobby joined them and the three of them pored over the codes.

As they worked, they heard a bustle of activity around them. Finally pulling their eyes away from their work, they spotted Gabriel. Flippantly, the angel asked, “Are you not done yet?”

Ignoring the question, Claire asked, “Where have you been? We could have used your help.”

“I was busy.” Gabriel smirked as he took a seat. “Now are we any closer to finding Cassie?”

Rolling his eyes, Sam said, “We deciphered the code and were just about to use the globe.” Using the unique grid on the globe, they mapped out the locations. Dot after dot went on the sphere. After the last location was placed, everyone stepped back to stare at the globe. Having been unusually quiet the entire day, Garth placed his hands on the table and said, “I wasn’t expecting there to be so many or for them to be so widespread.”

“It’s a good thing Pamela and Darla narrowed it down for us or we’d be traveling all over the earth.” Charlie pulled herself up onto the table. Reaching out she touched the spots in the Western US. “We can eliminate some of these right off the bat.” She pointed out one in Colorado. “This is where NORAD is located. I think some of these may be false flags or maybe the military or CIA simply took them over.”

The archangel stepped up to the table. “Well, you can cross off the one in Kansas. Nothing there anymore.”

“That’s what you were doing.” Charlie looked at him skeptically. “How did you know?” Shrugging, Gabriel said, “I may know a bit more about Cassie’s past than I let on.”

Sam slammed his hands on the table. “Are you telling me you knew about all of this?”

“Not all.” Sam glared at the angel, so Gabriel quickly added, “Not even close to all. I swear. But I was on earth during this time and I may have kept tabs on my brother.” Leaning forward, Gabriel stared at the globe. He pointed out other locations, eliminating some and highlighting others. The sound of the door opening interrupted Gabriel. Meg and Crowley descended the stairs, red-faced and angry. “I was finally getting somewhere with that jackass. Why drag me here?”

“For the hundredth time, the idiots found something and you need to hear this,” snapped Crowley.

Meg pushed Crowley’s chest, making him stumble on the last step. “Well the shithead I’ve been watching for weeks was drunk off his ass and confiding in his new lady friend.”

“Huh. I didn’t see a lady. I only saw your scrawny ass.”

Gabriel broke into a full-body laugh. “I forgot how much fun demons could be.” Both demons glared at the archangel which only made him laugh harder. When he finally composed himself, he said, “Now that the whole family is together, how about we finish up and go find my baby bro?”

Sam shared their findings with the newcomers and Meg added the information she had learned over the last week. It appeared Derek was not very happy in his arrangement with the military. They had shut him out as soon as they got Cas. After five weeks of radio silence, they had finally contacted the hunter again. After Meg plied him with more liquor, he spilled that he had gift-wrapped a weapon the military could use on the terrorists that killed his sister, but they were fucking it up. “He whined incessantly. I was ready to stab him in his stupid face, but then he said they were taking him on a trip. He thought it was up north, but that was all I got out of him before Crowley showed up and dragged me here.”

Adding Meg’s findings to Gabriel’s information reaffirmed their search areas. Charlie, Sam, and Bobby narrowed the list with further research, and after careful consideration, it appeared Pamela and Dean were in the most likely location. Sam picked up his phone and called his brother. “We’re coming your way.”


	39. No Man's Land Idaho

Dean’s hands were shaking as he set the phone down. His brother sounded so positive about the latest lead, but all Dean felt was fear. Fear that once again they would be wrong. Fear that another week or month would pass. Fear that Cas was lost to them forever. This fear, at the surface of his consciousness, was new to the hunter. It was usually buried in the deepest corners of his mind. Dean was great at compartmentalizing, but for some reason over the years his ability to do that grew weaker. When it came to Cas, it was almost nonexistent. His emotions, concerning the angel, always ran hot. He knew he needed to rein it in, if he was going to be of any use. If Sam was right, Cas was close.

As his thoughts shifted from fear to hope, Dean felt Pamela watching him. He knew she was worried about him. Everything about him screamed unstable. He was raw and untethered. His mind drifted and his appetite waned. Sleep often eluded him and the bags under his eyes grew more pronounced with each passing day. Sitting on the lumpy mattress in another shitty motel room, Dean felt the ache in his body and in his soul. He looked up then to see concerned eyes staring at him. He wanted to reassure her, but no words came. They stared, until Pamela stood up. She knelt in front of Dean and took him into her arms.

When she released him, she stood back up and sat on the bed. Ignoring the emotional moment, she asked, “What did Sam say?”

Grateful for her understanding, Dean smiled weakly. “They are coming here. They think he is here.”

“By here, you mean…”

“I mean here. In this part of Idaho.” Dean reached out and took her hand. “Pamela, they have coordinates for a bunker. And from what Sam said, they all agreed this is it.”

Pamela squeezed his hand and bit her lip nervously before she said, “Then why did you look like your dog died.”

Dean chuckled as he laid back on the bed. “I don’t fucking know. I should be happy at the news but I all I can think is what if?”

“All right. We are not doing the whole _what if_ thing. We are going to get dinner and then plan for tomorrow. Got it.”

With a cheeky smile, Dean said, “Yes ma’am.”

 

Hours later, Dean crawled into bed with a feeling of hope. The location the others found was on the list of places he had planned to check. And it was perfect for a secret installation. His eyes closed and he slid gently into sleep. Visions of finding Cas filled his dreams. Some were filled with heartbreak and others were filled with joy. When he woke, he prayed. It was something he found himself doing frequently. The prayers were always to Cas. His faith rested at the feet of the angel, not with God. His prayer was simple. _Please let it be joy, not heartbreak._

He crawled out of bed with those words resonating in his head. He let the shower wash away the remnants of his fear. Rejuvenated he stepped out of the shower and looked at his reflection. This time, he saw a determined man. Someone he recognized. A hunter. A man ready to fight to save the one he loved. All doubt left his body. He would find Cas and he would tell him everything. Lay not only his faith, but his heart and soul in front of the angel. It was time.

Exiting the bathroom, he found two demons and an angel standing in the center of the room. No pleasantries were exchanged. It shocked Dean to see them so serious, especially Gabriel, the one-time trickster. Since Pamela showered first, there was no reason to delay. The five of them left the motel and piled into the Impala. Dean furrowed his brow as he looked in the rearview mirror. “Why didn’t you guys just teleport there?”

“Why would we do that? This is nice and cozy.”

Turning to face Crowley, Dean rolled his eyes. The King of Hell smirked at the hunter. “Oh, come on, you know you enjoy my company.”

Crowley’s snark lightened the mood, and Dean couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He chuckled lightly as he said, “Keep telling yourself that.”

The banter continued for the next hour and a half as they made their way toward the coordinates Sam had sent. As soon as Gabriel sensed warding, they pulled the car onto a small side road. Meg, Crowley, and Gabriel disappeared before Pamela and Dean opened their car doors. Shaking their heads, the two humans stepped out of the car and laid out a map on the hood. Marking their current location, they charted the distance to the coordinates. They were still over a mile away. If the data was correct, the warding covered a massive area. “What do you think?” asked Dean.

“The warding is a good sign.” Pamela ran her slender finger along the map. “The distance seems extreme, so maybe the coordinates are off.”

Dean nodded before adding, “Or the place is huge.” He grabbed the map and began folding it up. “Ready to hike.”

“Always.”

Raising his eyebrow, Dean asked, “Really?” Pamela shrugged and then began walking. Grabbing a bag from the trunk, the hunter stuffed the map inside and raced to catch up to the psychic. Scanning the area, they looked for signs of human activity and warding sigils. They branched out at times but kept within hearing distance of each other. Pamela was the first to spot a sigil. Dean joined her and they soon found another. There were signs of recent activity. Footprints and disturbed foliage. Following those signs led them to a road. Unfortunately, the road itself looked as if it had not been used in decades. Turning back, they retraced their steps and searched out other markings. It took ten minutes before Dean found one. This time when they tracked the signs of life, they found a well-maintained road.

Having discovered the road, they quickly crossed it to investigate the opposite side. They found similar signs of activity. With this information in hand, they backtracked until they reached the Impala. Dean paced as they waited for the others to get back. Pamela tried to distract him, but it was no use. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Crowley and Meg returned.

“The warding extends even further than in Montana. And appears to be more recent.” Crowley walked over to the car and went to lean on it. Dean glared at him, halting the demon before he made contact. Exaggerating his movements, Crowley snapped his body into a military stance. “So protective. I would think the car would be the last thing on your mind.”

Pamela took two quick steps and stood between Crowley and Dean. Facing the King of Hell, she said, “Don’t you dare. Whatever you are trying to do, just stop.”

“Fine.” Taking a step back, Crowley nodded to Meg. Stepping forward, Meg said, “I think this is the place.” Dean’s demeanor did not change at her encouraging words so she continued. “Dean, our little tree-topper is here.”

“You can’t be sure of that.” A rush of air at his backside made Dean shiver. Turning he said, “What the hell, Gabriel?”

Without acknowledging Dean’s comment, the angel walked over to Meg. “She’s right. He’s here. I felt his grace.” Gabriel explained his findings in more detail. As he spoke, Dean pulled out the map. He marked down the areas the angel searched and the warding found there. He did the same for the information provided by the demons. Having already marked what Pamela and he found, they had a pretty decent outline of the area and a potential location for the actual facility. There was little else they could do until Sam and the others arrived so once again the entire group piled into the car. After stopping for food, they arrived at the motel. Dean set about booking extra rooms while Pamela hauled the food into the room.

 

With the food long gone and irritation at an all-time high, Dean escaped the room just in time to see Bobby, Claire, and Garth pull into the parking lot. Sam and Charlie were right behind him. The hunter felt the sting of tears, but he willed them away. It worked until a feisty red-head jumped out of the car and ran to him. His arms came up automatically and Charlie fell into them. As they hugged, Dean rested his chin on her head and felt a tear leak out. His voice cracked as he said, “We found him.” Charlie pushed back and looked up at Dean quizzically. “Gabriel felt his grace.” Charlie leaned her forehead against his chest and heaved a sigh of relief.

Sam came up behind her and looked his brother in the eye. “He’s sure?”

“Yeah, Sammy. I believe him.” Before Dean was even finished speaking, Sam crashed into Charlie’s back and joined the hug. Sam only let it last for a few heartbeats before he stated, “We need to get to work.”

“I booked three extra rooms that way when Jody and Alex get here there will be plenty of space.” Dean handed a key to Charlie, one to Claire, and one to Bobby. “Figure out the arrangements for yourselves.” Pamela emerged from the room, bag in hand. She walked off after Charlie with Meg in tow. Gabriel leaned out of Dean’s room and smiled at Sam. “I guess this means we get the tall one.”

Sam ignored the comment as he entered the room. His bag smacked the angel making Dean laugh. An echoing laugh from inside the room came from Crowley. Sam turned to his older brother. “You have got to be kidding me. We are not, under any circumstance, letting them be in here while we sleep.”

“Aww. Why do you have to be so mean Samshine?” Gabriel practically bounced up and down as he smirked at Sam.

Shaking his head, the younger Winchester tossed his bag on one of the beds and then took a seat at the small table. “Okay fill me in.” As the angel and the demon shared their findings, people slowly filtered into the room. Once Jody and Alex arrived, a plan of action was drawn up. The next day would strictly be reconnaissance. They needed to find the entrance, count the guards, and try to map out the facility.

Charlie looked up from her laptop. “What I really need is ground penetrating radar?”

“You won’t need it. Once you knock out some of that warding, I will be able to see the layout of the bunker.” Gabriel puffed up his chest. “I told you having an archangel on the team was a good idea.”

Closing her laptop, Charlie said, “On that note, I don’t think there is anything more we can do tonight. See you all in a few hours.” Following her lead, everyone else exited the room, leaving Sam and Dean alone with Crowley and Gabriel.

“You two can go do whatever is it you do.” Dean ushered the angel and the demon toward the door. “I need a few hours of sleep and you are not welcome.”

 

After a fitful few hours of rest, the group assembled for a quick bite to eat at the late-night diner down the road. After everyone had their fill, they divided up and set out. Traveling south from Nampa, they passed through small towns along the highway. About an hour into the drive, they left the highway and traveled the backroads until they pulled off onto an unpaved spur. From that location, the group branched off to find their assigned area. The mountainous region boasted vast arrays of terrain. Some sections offered little cover and needed to be searched before daylight. By the time each group reached its destination, they had about three hours before daybreak.

Using every last second of darkness, Dean and Sam wiped out every warding they found. They traversed the road Dean and Pamela had found the previous day. The unpaved section was short and deceptive. It could be easily missed by anyone who did not know its location. As they advanced up the road, Gabriel joined them. He scanned the new areas but had yet to find evidence of the bunker. Leaving them he made for one of the other groups. The process was tedious, but necessary.

After a couple of hours, Charlie and Pamela spotted a couple of guards in the distance. They watched their movements for twenty minutes before retreating. At the same time, Claire and Garth spotted a vehicle. It was a large cargo truck and it was heading north. On the west side, Bobby, Jody, and Alex altered a few significant wards to give Meg and Crowley access. Within minutes, the demons scouted a large area and found what they believed to be the entrance.

Despite the progress, Gabriel was still unable to map the facility. Sam and Dean redoubled their efforts to find whatever wards remained. As dawn was breaking, Sam scratched through a small well-hidden sigil on a rock. The second it was gone, the archangel disappeared. Seeing the time, Sam and Dean didn’t bother to wait for him to return. They pushed on until they saw several guards and other personnel. As they watched a vehicle approached from the south. Without knowing it, the entire group was closing in on the facility. They had eyes in every direction and an archangel above. Observations in hand, each group withdrew and returned to their cars.

The next few hours were spent eating and planning their assault. In the middle of the discussions, Meg vanished. “Should we be worried about that?” asked Bobby.

Pamela reached for the old hunter and squeezed his arm. “No, I sensed positive energy. She’ll return.” The psychic turned and found Gabriel staring at her. He watched her for several more seconds before he to vanished. They did not have to wait long. The angel returned with several people and a disgruntled Meg.

“I was perfectly capable of getting them. I did not require or request your help.”

“Now Meg,” Gabriel scolded, “My way was much quicker so we have more time to get acquainted with your guests.”

The already crowded motel room was now crammed wall-to-wall with people. The four women and two men that arrived with Gabriel, surprisingly, appeared unfazed by the entire process. The tall statuesque silver-haired woman stepped forward. “My name is Marta and we have come to aid Castiel.” The others nodded their agreement but did not offer their names. The six of them looked nothing alike. They appeared to come from disparate places across the globe. At the confused expressions of the assembled group, Marta clarified, “Castiel means a great to deal to each of us and to our entire community. We will do anything required to assist in his rescue.” Stepping forward, a young woman with dark eyes and olive skin said, “Papa deserves no less.”

Jaws dropped as gasps and whispers of _papa_ echoed around the room.  Stunned, Dean’s legs gave out and he dropped onto the bed. “What…?”

Sam, seeing his brother’s distress, tried to clarify. “Are you saying Castiel is your father?”

“Not in the way you are thinking,” Marta said in a calm, measured tone. “Castiel is a father to our community. He is its creator. He would not allow us to call him Father so the younger one’s have always taken to calling him Papa.”

Several people went to speak at once, but Meg spoke above the din. “This is not our story to tell.” She turned to Gabriel, “Nor is it yours. Castiel has guarded this for centuries. It is up to him to share the story.”

Dean stood back up then and asked Meg to step outside with him. Once the door shut behind them, he cautiously asked, “Meg, who are those people and what is this community?”

“I know it's hard for you to trust me, but please believe me. By creating this community, he is a savior and a hero to many. And those people in their will lay down their lives for him. I brought them because we need all the help we can get, if we are going to save Castiel.”

The sincerity in her voice and in her eyes shocked the hunter, and he found himself pulling Meg into a hug. They both froze for a second before relaxing. “All right, Meg. I believe you.” Fumbling out of the embrace, Dean and Meg both reached for the door handle. “After you,” said Dean.

Upon entering, the hunter found an awkward silence filling the room. “Okay, well it looks like we have six more people to add to our game plan.”


	40. All Out Assault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this one. Once again thanks for the comments and kudos.

As Dean advanced on the complex, he heard a steady din surrounding him. Between the demons and Marta’s team, the guards were dropped quickly. As per the plan, Gabriel wiped the recent memories of those left alive. With the path cleared, Dean, Sam, Bobby, Jody and Claire charged the entrance. Charlie and the others followed, armed and ready to wipe out any communication and surveillance in the bunker.

Dean felt focused and ready to complete the mission, but the interim, while they waited for Charlie to gain electronic control of the bunker, seemed to take an inordinate amount of time. Time in which Dean’s mind raced to every conceivable outcome, lingering on the negative ones. Thoughts of not finding Cas or finding him dead began to consume him. The tension in his body ratcheted up and he twitched. Bracketing him, Claire and Jody felt his body’s irregular movement. The sheriff grabbed for him first. A firm hand gripped his forearm. When Dean did not look at her, she squeezed tighter and hissed a quiet, “Dean.” Finally garnering his attention, Jody said, “Keep your head in the game. You have a job to do.” From his other side, he heard Claire say, “We got this Dean.” Some of his tension receded as he put stock in their words. He nodded, “Yeah we got this.” A flicker of lights and harsh sounds of alarms drowned out his next words.

With the hallways darkened, the cameras off, and the doors unlocked, Dean and his group moved quickly. Dean whispered to his brother, “Charlie comes through again.” Sam smiled back, “Was there any doubt.” Dean shook his head and then focused on the task ahead. His group's only job was to find Cas. They rushed through a set of double doors and made their way into the belly of the bunker. The attack from that point on was swift and well-coordinated.

Crowley and Gabriel swept through the facility, incapacitating anyone they found. They also proceeded to destroy any and all equipment and weaponry, while leaving documents and laptops untouched. Along the way, Gabriel continued to wipe memories. No one would be left with knowledge of the supernatural or the bunker.  Marta and her people followed in his wake, rounding up the people and locking them in a secure room. They also compiled all documents and materials leaving them in the largest lab.

Entering the lab, Alex, Charlie, and Pamela found neat stacks of materials. Charlie quicly broke the passwords on several computers.  She added these to the stacks and then exited.  Dividing up the piles, Alex and Pamela scanned the pages looking for any information on Castiel. Names of personnel involved, the hierarchy associated with the program, data on the project and its findings. Every scrap of information needed to be catalogued. “Alex, we need to know who is running this show, so Gabriel can wipe their memories. I don’t care if it leads to the President of the United States. We are not leaving here until we have all the facts.” Pamela’s voice was sharp and commanding. She tempered it when she added, “And we need to find if he has been held anywhere else. Or if he is being held somewhere else.” The young dark-haired woman nodded as she combed through another stack of papers. Several minutes later, Alex pointed at the laptop screen. “Got something.” Pamela rushed to her side. “Oh man, this is the lottery.” The women smiled at each other and then got back to work.

 

Having left Alex and Pamela, Charlie and Garth bypassed the other lab to join the hunt for Castiel. Most every room in their path was already cleared by Marta’s group, so they moved swiftly until they came to a barren hallway. In the dim light, they spotted blood on the floor. As they followed the trail, the small smears turned into footprints. At the end of the trail, they found a partially open door. Garth tried to motion Charlie to wait, but she ignored his caution. Bursting into the room, she found bloody towels and crumpled bedding, but no Cas. Garth watched shock and fear wash across her face. Her shoulders slumped as she shakily said, “It’s his blood.” She stared at the werewolf with sad eyes. “Isn’t it?”

Garth nodded and ushered her from the room. In frustration, Charlie pulled free of his grasp. “You already knew. That’s why we came this way. You smelt it.”

“Yes, but we don’t what it means.”

Charlie cringed when she spotted a well-defined bloody print in front of her. The sight increased her feelings of defeat. Lifting her head, she looked at Garth. “It means he’s hurt.”   Not waiting for a reply, the red-head took off down the hall. Garth took a deep breath before racing down the hall after her. The blood trail faded, but the werewolf continued to track the scent. He passed Charlie when she paused at a juncture. “This way.” Walking briskly, they traversed several hallways until Garth stopped abruptly. Charlie saw the color drain from his face. “What is it?” she rasped. Standing tall and facing Charlie, Garth sternly said, “Wait here.” When she went to follow, he raised his voice. “NO. I am going in ALONE.” Shocked Charlie stepped back and nodded.

Entering the room, Garth blanched at the smell. The scent of bleach mixed with the smell of blood and other bodily fluids. Garth eyed the white walled room. Every surface was pristine, so he told Charlie she could enter. The red-head cautiously stepped into the room. Looking around, she grew confused. “I don’t understand. You…?” Nodding, Garth said, “They cleaned, but I can still smell it. He was in this room.”

“Where to now?”

Garth stepped out of the room. “This way.” He gestured at the section of hall they had yet to search. They both started down the hall opening doors along the way. As they turned the corner at the end of the corridor, they ran into Marta. “Where are the others?” asked Charlie. Marta pointed at a large door. “There are several stairwells down there. So, far we have cleared three sub-basements and found no sign of Castiel. I am heading back to the lab to see if they have found anything that might help us locate him. I feel like we are searching for buried treasure.”

“Or a needle in a haystack,” scoffed Charlie. “Flying blind is out of my comfort zone, but with Garth’s nose at least I have a road to follow.”

Marth chuckled, tipped her head and took off for the labs. Charlie and Garth watched her go and then continued on their path. “I would really like to know about Marta and her community.”

Grinning widely, Garth said, “When we find Cas, I am sure he will tell you all about it.”

Charlie returned the smile, but hers was small and faint. “When we find him,” she whispered.

 

After sweeping the majority of the building with Crowley at his side, Gabriel returned to the lab. He sauntered in and leered at Pamela and Alex. “Well, anything.” Alex simply held up the paper. Snatching it the archangel leered. “Well, well, well. Seems I have my work cut out for me. It shouldn’t take too long, but pray to me if Cassie is found.” In a flash, Gabriel was gone, but in his wake came a disgruntled King of Hell. “Where the hell is the so-called archangel? He just left me to deal with the riff-raff.” Raising his eyebrows, he glared at Pamela. “Well?”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist. He is wiping the memories of others involved.”

Crowley frowned, “Why does he get to have all the fun? I have some very inventive ways to achieve that and they have all been ignored.”

“I assume your ways are violent and bloody,” reproached Alex.

“Most likely,” smirked the demon.

Both women shook their heads. “How about you make yourself useful and go help Meg search?”

Crowley scoffed, “Not bloody likely. She is the least fun person here right now.”

 

Deep inside the structure, Meg searched frantically. Her outward appearance remained unflustered. She still presented herself as a snarky, self-assured demon, but internally she felt shattered. Like Garth and Charlie, Meg had seen blood, his blood. Having discovered the small lab, Meg found evidence of the experiments the angel endured. Skin, blood, hair, fingernails. Charts and pictures of his body. It was not the way the demon envisioned seeing Castiel naked. Part of her had always cared for the angel and wanted a chance to show him how much. The images of his battered body seared her mind and broke that part of her. As she left the lab and resumed her search, Meg called on the wrath of the demon. The one that had carried her through centuries. She tried to bury the last vestiges of her humanity.

No longer constrained, Meg left a swath of destruction in her wake. Walls cracked, rooms were torn asunder and bodies crumpled at her feet. She stalked down corridors, raced up and down stairs and eventually made her way to a room filled with chains and restraints. One caught her eye. Yanking it from the wall, her first impression was confirmed. The cuffs were covered with sigils. She recognized Castiel’s name woven into a particularly strong marking. Sighing she wondered why the cuffs were in this room and not attached to the angel. Fear welled insider her, but she immediately squashed it. It was not time for sentimentality or heartbreak, it was time to find the angel and save him from this hellscape.

 

On the opposite side of the facility, Dean and his group came to the end of a long hall. The set of double doors remained locked despite Charlie’s interventions. A small panel was mounted next to each door. Using key cards stolen off the guards, Dean and Sam tried to open the doors. The cards failed to open the door. Claire pulled out another set of cards with different markings. Handing one card to Jody, they scanned the cards and heard the buzz of the lock. After pushing the doors open, Dean and Sam went left while Bobby, Claire and Jody went right.

Three doors down, Claire spotted the entrance to a set of darkened stairs. Bobby signaled his intent to continue down the corridor. As he passed, the two women flanked the door. Jody gestured for Claire to open it. A pale orange light illuminated the bottom of the stairs. With a quick nod from Claire, they made their way down the stairs. Dampness and the smell of mold greeted them. Heavy metal doors lined the walls. Taking opposite sides, they called out for Cas as they tested each door. The first few doors were unlocked and they found no trace of the angel. By the third door, Claire was agitated. “He has to be here. Where the fuck is he?” Jody stopped and turned to face the young woman. “He’s in this bunker somewhere and we will find him. Now finish searching these cells.” Only one door was locked. After banging on it and getting no response, Jody and Claire rushed back up the stairs. As they ascended, Claire said, “If he’s in there, he’s unconscious and we need to find a key.”

They stepped back into the hallway and saw the flash of movement. Ducking back into the stairwell, Jody pulled Claire’s arm. “Did you see who it was?” Claire shook her head. They took up defensive positions before Claire cracked the door and craned her head. She caught sight of a familiar figure before she pulled her head back. "It's that asshole Derek." Without waiting for Jody's response, the young hunter burst out the door with her gun raised. Following on her heels, Jody could only smile at the tableau before her. Bobby, blood running down his face, had a boot plastered to the back of Derek's neck. Pinned to the ground, the man was whining and pleading for help. Claire was doubled over laughing. "She ain't gonna help a traitor. Especially one who sold out her surrogate dad." Bobby's gruff assessment halted the young woman's laughter. Jody watched as Claire's expression hardened, and before she could intervene, Claire was kicking the prone man. "Where is he you son of a bitch?" The sheriff wrapped her arms around Claire and pulled her back as she continued to yell. The sound of activity at the other end of the hall finally drew the young hunter's attention.  She stopped struggling, so Jody let her go.  "What do you think that was?" Claire asked tentatively.

 

In the other direction, Dean and Sam quickly searched the rooms along the corridor. At the end, they found a shadowy staircase. The area was faintly lit and neither could see the bottom of the stairs. Dean did not wait to form a plan. He barreled past Sam and started down the stairs. The sound of a struggle from deep below made him increase his speed. He leapt down three steps at a time, only coming to a halt when he spotted movement in front of him. The sight before him took his breath away. Before he could react, the person in front of him collapsed. A strangled, “Cas,” escaped his lips. He closed the last few stairs between them and dropped down next to the angel. “Cas,” whispered Dean as he cradled the angel’s head. He smelled the metallic stench of blood and felt the matted stickiness of it under his hands. “What did they do to you?”

Shaking himself out of his shock, the hunter pulled Cas into his body as he yelled for Sam. Ignoring the strain on his body, Dean stood up with Castiel in his arms. Just as he began climbing the stairs, he spotted his brother. The usually stoic Sam cried out when he saw the bloody, mangled body of an unconscious Cas. “We don’t have time for that,” snapped Dean. “Help me.” They tried to maneuver so Sam could take part of the weight but the stairwell was too narrow. Brushing off his brother, Dean told Sam to go get Jody and Claire. The younger Winchester rushed up the stairs and Dean followed.

The process was slow and arduous and filled with apprehension. Dean could feel blood seeping into his clothes. As he climbed and light filtered in, the hunter began to see the extent of the angel’s injuries. The once white tank-top was tinged with blood. Weeping wounds ringed his neck. A rail-thin arm hung limply. Trailing his eyes over the rest of the angel’s body, Dean faltered as his stomach heaved. Blood stained the crotch of the white draw string pants Cas was wearing. As he fought to control the bile rising in his throat, he silently pleaded, “No, No, No.” Dragging his eyes from the horrific sight, he gazed at Cas’ face and saw his eyes fluttered. “Hey, Hey. Are you with me, Cas?” Dean’s body surged with adrenaline when he heard a broken but familiar deep voice say, “Hello Dean.”


	41. I Can Carry You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took longer to post. I've been dealing with a sick kid. Numerous doctor's visits and tests. Off to the children's hospital in Portland today for yet another appointment. Wish us luck that they finally find the answer to this illness. Three years is a long time to go without one.

The familiar greeting in Cas’ deep voice, now brittle and hoarse, made Dean’s knees nearly give out. His grip tightened around Cas as he forced his body to remain rigid and upright. An emotion Dean could not discern lingered in the angel’s eyes. It seemed to reflect both relief and fear. It was both raw and guarded. There was light but also shadow. The longer they stared at each other, the more Dean wondered what Cas saw in his green eyes. The sound of Sam’s voice snapped them out of their trance. Every fiber of Castiel’s body tensed and a choked off, “No,” accompanied panic-filled eyes. Dean assured him it was only Sam, but the angel continued to whisper broken, “No’s,” as his body shook.

Raising his eyes to face his brother, Dean shook his head, trying to make him understand. When Sam took another step forward, Dean widened his eyes in a silent plea. This halted the younger Winchester, so Dean tipped his head, gesturing for him to back up. When he was assured Sam understood, Dean whispered, “Cas, Sam is stepping back.” Cas breathed a sigh of relief and nodded weakly. Just as some of the tension eased, a female voice drifted down the hall. Trying to stave off the panic, Dean assured him it was only Jody and Claire and that Sam was ushering them back. The gratefulness he saw in the dull blue eyes staring up at him tugged at his heart. Dean stood still and quiet until the others rounded the corner. “You’re getting kinda heavy. Do you think you can stand?” It took several seconds for Cas to croak out a tentative, “Yes.”

Lowering Castiel’s legs gently to the ground, Dean continued to support most of his weight. Pained grunts and groans ushered in every movement. Once some of Cas’ weight settled on his battered feet, he cried out. Dean pulled him tighter to his body, lifting him by his waist. “We will take it as slow as you need and do whatever you need.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Of course, sunshine. Can you heal any of…” he gestured at Cas’ body. The angel frowned as he closed his eyes in defeat. “Hey, that’s okay. Gabriel will be able to do it.” Cas’ eye shot open and he tipped his head in confusion. “Long story, but the gist of it is Coriel was actually Gabriel. So, yeah, your annoying, wayward brother is here somewhere.” Using the distraction of that news, Dean began to move them forward. As they progressed, he talked and talked, trying to keep Castiel’s attention on him instead of his broken body. “You should have seen it Cas. We swept in like in _Return of the King_. Instead of the dead, we had demons and an archangel. Instead of a cavalry, we had a group of people from some community you created. Then there was Charlie and her group. I guess they could be the hobbits. I’m not sure who Jody and Claire are, but Sam is probably Legolas. And I of course am Aragorn.” Dean paused his story to check on Cas. “You doing okay?”

Cas’ lips quirked up slightly. “Who’s Frodo?”

A surge of warmth lit up Dean’s body and he chuckled. “Hmm…that may take some thinking. I suppose it could be Garth, but he seems more like Samwise. Ya know, upbeat and encouraging. Maybe you’re Frodo, having to be carried to the finish line.”

“Wouldn’t that make you Samwise?”

“I suppose it would.” Dean smiled at Cas. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” As they reached the other hallway, they heard a flurry of activity. “I don’t want anyone to see,” begged Cas in a strained voice.

Nodding, Dean took a deep breath. “I understand, but we need to get you out of here. And it is going to take forever like this. Would you at least let Gabriel heal you? Then it can just be you and I ag…” A heavy groan halted Dean’s statement.

Castiel looked up at Dean with tired eyes. “Gabriel cannot know what happened to me. He would never…” The angel shook his head. “Please promise me you won’t tell him.”

“Cas, your wounds need to be healed.”

“No, Dean. I can do this.” Cas sounded like the angel of old, all steel and command, but his eyes told a different story. They pleaded for understanding and protection. Dean crumbled under their gaze and lost his resolve. “Okay, Cas. Just you and me.”

Neither spoke for a while as they traversed the corridors. Dean spotted the others up ahead, so he shielded Cas behind his body. He realized he needed to communicate Cas’ needs to the rest of the group. “Is it okay if I leave you here for a second while I go talk to them?” The angel shrugged and Dean took that as a yes. He lowered Cas to the ground, leaning him up against the wall. “I’ll be right back.”

Jogging, Dean made straight for his brother. Sam’s shocked and confused face greeted him. “Sammy, I don’t know what to tell you. He is not okay and he doesn’t want to see anyone right now. So that is what we are going to do.”

“But,” Sam protested before he stopped himself. Shaking his head, he continued, “Ignore that. Whatever he needs. Just tell me what you want us to do.”

“We need a place to take him. Not a shitty motel. Somewhere nice.” He looked at Jody, Alex, Charlie, and Pamela who were huddled together a few paces away. “I need to clean his wounds and…shit I don’t know. He is going to need clothes and food. He looks so thin and dirty.”

Stepping forward, Jody reached for Dean’s hands. “We will take care of it. You just get him to your car and we’ll text you where to go. Okay?” Grateful, Dean squeezed her hand. “And I promise everyone will keep their distance until you give us the okay.” At Dean’s frozen expression, Jody continued, “You got this.”

“Okay, yeah, I got this.” Dean paused and then looked at his surroundings. “I think I should clean him up some before we go.” Alex and Pamela both went to speak. Pamela nodded to Alex so the younger woman proceeded. “There is sort of a locker room attached to the large lab. You could clean him up there and I'm sure I saw some scrubs he could wear.” Dean thanked Alex and Pamela before whispering a quick goodbye to Sam.

When Dean turned around, he realized Marta had moved toward Cas. He called out to her, but she ignored him. She stopped about twenty feet away from the angel and lowered herself to the ground. As Dean raced forward, she held out her hand to Cas in supplication. Passing her the hunter heard her intone, “We will be there when you are ready.” To his surprise, Cas raised his hand in kind before placing it over his heart. When he looked back, he saw Marta return the gesture. For some reason the silent communication brought tears to Dean's eyes. Not bothering to wipe them away, he took the last few steps and dropped down next to Cas.

The angel reached up and brushed Dean’s tears away. The touch was so gentle it made more tears fall. This time Dean swiped his hand over his own face and then smiled meekly. “They are going to find us somewhere to stay and take care of food and clothes. Our only job is to get you cleaned up and to the car.” The slam of the door made them both jump and the sight of an extremely angry Meg made Cas curl into Dean’s arms. Within seconds, Meg was surrounded by Marta and the other five members of her community. Marta cupped Meg’s face and the demon’s expression softened. In the next breath, Meg fell into the woman’s arms. Dean would not have believed the transformation if he hadn’t seen it with his own eyes. There was clearly a story there, but that would have to wait. His only priority was the heavily breathing man at his side. “Cas, you’re scaring me with that breathing. What’s going on?”

Leaning over, Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. “My grace is very weak after being shuttered by the warded restraints. I used what little I could access to break the locks.”

“So human again?”

“At least for now, it would seem.” There quiet conversation was interrupted by a blood curdling scream. Any measure of calm Meg had shone was gone, replaced by unadulterated fury. She was being held back as she raged at a figure across the room. “He did this. Let me kill him.”

The man in question tried to hide, but Bobby walked him forward until they were within a few feet of Meg. The demon leered at Derek as she revealed her black eyes. He cowered and tried to move back. “Where exactly do you think you’re going? You think you get to hurt my angel and you get to what...walk out of here.” Meg strained against the arms holding her. “Once they let me go, I will show you…”

“MEG.” Castiel’s booming voice rattled his body and jolted Dean. All eyes turned to Cas. Tucked against Dean, the angel tried to remain hidden as he shook his head at the demon. Meg’s eyes shifted from black to human instantly. The demon and the angel stared at each other until a hand landed on Meg’s shoulder. She turned to find Crowley standing behind her. He took hold of her forearm and in a flash they disappeared.

Cas slumped heavily against Dean. “I’m so tired.” Dean went to speak but froze when he spotted Gabriel. The archangel was smiling as he sauntered across the room. Just as Dean went to stand, Sam reached out and grabbed Gabriel. He watched as the two had a heated discussion. Throughout it, they kept glancing toward Cas and Dean. The longer it went the more clear it became that Gabriel was not listening to reason. He made several aborted steps, always halted by Sam or Jody. Raised voices reached them eliciting a deep sigh from Cas. “Dean?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I can’t talk to him, but maybe you could.” Dean smiled weakly and tipped his head in agreement. Cas tried to return the smile, but it turned into a grimace as he said, “Tell him it was Malachi.” The hunter’s eyebrows shot up as his mouth fell open. “He’s the one who did this?” whispered Dean. “I thought he was dead.” Castiel closed his eyes and turned away. “Well, he’s not. Just tell Gabriel his name. Don’t tell...” Dean cut him off. “I won’t.”

 

As Dean approached, Gabriel turned to face him.   “It was Malachi.” Gabriel reacted with a gasp of surprise and then anger. “What do you mean it was Malachi? What did that whacko do?” Dean closed off his expression, trying to give nothing away. “He did not say. He just told me to tell you it was him.” Gabriel fixed his eyes on his brother. With a steely gaze Gabriel declared, “I will take care of it. Better yet I may let Meg take this one.” He disappeared with a rush of ozone and a flurry of wings.

Dean returned to Cas’ side. “Cas,” he implored.

“Not now. I can’t.”

“All right.” The hunter loosened his grip but kept his arm around Castiel’s waist as they continued walking. “Gabriel said he’d take care of it or let Meg do it. He may have the right idea. Meg is scary when she is all angry and protective. I don’t know what you did, but she cares about you. It must have been one helluva kiss all those years ago to get her to keep helping you.” Dean heard the soft chuckle at his side. “What? Am I wrong?”

Castiel huffed making Dean turn to him and when their eyes connected the angel rolled his eyes. “Now that I did not miss,” grunted Dean.

At the raised eyebrow, he received in response, Dean acquiesced. “Fine, I missed that too. Now, what do you say we get you cleaned up and out of this hellhole?” Without waiting for an answer, Dean stood and held out his hands. Cas grabbed them and Dean pulled him to his feet. “Hey, now, I’ve gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” Frowning, Cas shook his head and groaned. “All right, maybe it’s not the same, but I'm glad I’m the one who found you.” The statement brightened Cas’ eyes and a hint of his usual magnetic blue returned. Dean held onto the image and memorized it, cradling the fragile moment in his soul, and promising himself he would do anything and everything to keep the light in those eyes. Neither seemed willing to look away until Dean sensed a weakening in Castiel’s grip. Slipping one of his hands free, Dean slid it around Cas’ back to support him. “Ready?”

“Yes.”

After reaching the lab, Dean realized he would need to make it quick. Castiel’s body was rigid and there was fear in his eyes. The environment seemed to be triggering a panic attack. The angel’s heart was racing and his breathing was ragged. Dean tried to reassure him with gentle words and light touches. He bandaged the worst wounds and wiped the angel down, before dressing Cas in loose fitting scrubs and medical booties. With his arm around Castiel’s waist, Dean led them out of the lab.

“We have a ways to go. This place is huge and we left the cars outside the warded zone. I don’t want you to overdo it, so if you need a break let me know. Orrr, I could carry you again.” Instead of responding, Cas leaned more heavily into Dean. “That works, too.” After those words, a silence fell over them as they took in the destruction around them. Scorched walls, broken windows, shattered furniture, doors hanging off their hinges. Internally, Dean felt an overpowering sense of vindication, knowing this was only the beginning. Between Gabriel and Crowley, the entire complex would be turned to dust and anyone with knowledge of it would be dealt with in one way or another. A small part of Dean wanted Crowley’s methods to win out, but the larger part, the one tasked with protecting human life balked at the notion.

Wrapped up in this own thoughts, Dean did not realize they had reached the exterior door. It was Cas’ intake of breath that drew his attention. He looked at Cas and then followed the angel’s gaze until his eyes found a welcome sight. The Impala was only a few feet away, ready and waiting for them. Dean whispered a silent, “Thank you, Sam,” before closing the short distance. He helped Cas into the car and then rushed to get in the driver’s seat. As they drove, Dean dug out his phone and handed it to Cas. “Once we get in cell-range we should get a text about where to go.”

“Okay.”

“So, when it comes in just tell me where to go.”

“I understand, Dean.”

“Okay, good.”


	42. Destroy All Traces

After Alex had explained where the locker room was Dean led Castiel away. Everyone gave them a wide berth and only after they were out of ear shot did the group resume their conversation. Sam explained to all those assembled how and where they had found Cas. He briefly touched on the angel’s condition but did not provide any concrete details. He instinctively knew that information would need to come from Cas, if and when he chose. He asked the others to table those questions and to focus on the task at hand.

“Someone needs to go get us checked into a decent hotel and get our stuff from the other place. And we still have a ton of clean up to do here.” Sam seemed lost even as he laid out what needed to be done. Pamela stepped up to him and pulled him into a hug. When she released him, he gave her a tiny smile. “Thank you.”

The psychic winked at him. “No problem. I will go and get the hotel and I’ll take Jody and Alex with me. Just let me get the keys from the others and we’ll take off.” Without waiting for a reply, Pamela turned on her heal to find Jody and Alex ready to go.

As he watched the women go, Sam tried to think of his next steps. He wanted to help destroy the evidence, but he felt there was a more pressing issue. His exhausted mind refused to cooperate until Charlie said, “We need to haul some of this stuff with us. I think we should bring up the cars.” The mention of cars was the trigger. There was no way Cas would make it to where the cars were parked. He needed to go get the Impala, but Dean had the keys. Knowing he should not disturb him, he decided he would beg for forgiveness later. With a quick explanation to Charlie, Sam took off, headed for the Impala. Once there, he tensed at the prospect before him. It would not be the first time the car was hot-wired, so he did not understand his hesitance.

He closed his eyes and the image of Cas’ mangled body hanging limply in Dean’s arm slammed into him. He found himself unable to breathe for a few seconds. When he opened his eyes, he pictured wires hanging from the console of the car. For some reason, damaging the car seemed like an extension of the pain they were suffering. Pushing aside the strange thought, Sam proceeded to start the car. He refused to look down as he drove back to the bunker. After arriving, he swept into the building in search of tools. It did not take long to find them. Within a few minutes, he returned to the car and put it back together as best he could. The wires would need work later, but at least Dean would not see what he’d done.

Standing up, he felt a presence behind him. “You did good.”

“Thanks Bobby,” Sam said without looking at the old hunter. “What are you doing out here?”

“Gabriel came back. He looked terrible and didn’t say a word. He just took Derek and left.”

Sam leaned back against the car. “I should probably be worried, but I can’t muster the energy to care about what happens to Derek. He started this whole thing. Cas would not be in there, bloody and broken, if it weren’t for him.”

“You ain’t going to hear an argument from me. I just came out to tell you we need to find transport for the personnel. Most are military and are stationed here at the facility so they are easy enough to deal with now that Gabriel wiped their memories of this place. It’s the ones who live near here that are the issue. What are we going to do with them?”

Sam watched as Bobby pulled off his ball cap and rubbed his forehead. The gesture made him smile. Even in death the old hunter had not changed. As his smile grew, the more Bobby frowned. Knowing he would not stay silent for long, Sam finally spoke. “How many are there?”

Bobby put his cap back on and moved to Sam’s side. “Last count five. A doctor, a nurse, a computer technician and two others. Not sure exactly what their roles were because Gabriel went a bit overboard with the memory wipe.”

Sam pulled his gaze from Bobby and looked up at the sky. The sun had risen. It glinted off the vehicles making Sam squint. As he thought about their dilemma, he chewed on his cheek. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. He ran his tongue over the abused area before licking his lips. Ignoring Bobby’s most recent comment, Sam returned to the topic of the military personnel. “You said the others are easy to deal with. What is your plan?”

“Not really my plan. After Charlie provides each one with fake military orders, Gabriel will knock them out and drop them off near their new bases.”

“Any idea what the plan is to do with them until then?”

“Nope. That’s where you come in.”

 

Sam and Bobby returned to find an organized chaos. Crowley and Meg were back and were herding people toward the entrance. Charlie and Garth were weighted down with stacks of papers and laptops. Marta and her group remained huddled together and appeared to be in an intense conversation. Looking at the scene, Sam felt proud. This diverse group of people had worked together seamlessly. No one had escaped. There were few injuries. They caught the traitor. Cas was safe. He knew there were precautions which would still need to be taken in order to ensure his continued safety, but this part of the plan was a success.

At the sound of a throat clearing, Sam realized all eyes were trained on him. “Did I miss something?”

“I was just asking you if you were ready to get the rest of the vehicles.” Charlie smiled at Sam as she sat down her load. “My arms are tired of carrying this stuff.”

“Sure. We can do that. We also need to find a few trucks to transport all these people.”

Meg stopped and turned, training her steely eyes on Sam. “About that. I think you should leave this to Crowley and I.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

There was an undercurrent of anger in Meg’s voice as she said, “Why not? Gabriel isn’t here to do it.”

Not wanting to single out the demon and exacerbate her anger, Sam made a blanket statement. “Even if he was, I wouldn’t let him deal with this today. Everyone’s emotions are running high and none of us can be trusted to make the best decisions.” He took a step toward Meg. “You aren’t the only one who wants revenge, but I can’t allow you to hurt these people.”

“How can that be your answer? You saw him Sam. They hurt him. They are to blame.”

“I know, but…” Sam stopped speaking when Marta walked between them. The older woman held up her hands and asked the others to listen. All eyes turned to this mostly unknown woman. “Castiel would not want us to argue or to hurt these people. Meg, you know this, you know him and what he stands for. What he has always stood for. Let Sam and the others make arrangements for them. You need to focus on making sure Castiel is safe to go home or if that isn’t feasible, find a new place for him to call home.”

Meg, still fuming with barely suppressed anger, nodded at the other woman. Through clenched teeth, she hissed, “Only because it is what he would want.”

“Thank you. When this is over, you should come home.” Marta delivered this message in a hushed tone. Only Sam and Meg were close enough to her the full sentence. Sam was shocked by the very human response of the demon. Her eyes brimmed with tears as her composure shattered. With her eyes downcast, Meg whispered brokenly, “I can never go home.”

“That is simply not true. I do not believe that and if Castiel remembered he would be the first to insist you return home.” Sam was practically vibrating with curiosity at this point. He wanted to interject, but Meg’s words from the previous day halted him. If he wanted to know, he would need to ask Cas. Taking in the demeanor of the two women, Sam realized he should step back and give them privacy. As he made his exit, he saw gratitude in both their eyes.

 

Within ten minutes, Sam organized the evacuation of the building. Gabriel arrived just as the last vehicle was loaded. “Where is my brother?”

“He is with Dean, getting cleaned up and changed.” Sam studied the far away expression in the angels’s eyes. “Shouldn’t you be able to sense him now?”

Gabriel’s face hardened into an angry mask. “He does not want me to. He doesn’t want me to heal him or be near him. So no, in answer to your question, I cannot sense him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel him. I never thought this of all things would happen to him. It is the cruelest irony. An angel who dedicated much of his life to helping…he wanted to make their lives better. He did make their lives better and what has his reward been for his service to humanity.” The angel glared at Sam as if daring him to answer. When the hunter stayed silent, Gabriel said, “I spent my time on earth indulging myself, intervening only a handful of times. And only when pushed. But that self-sacrificing jackass, threw himself into the flames over and over again. You’d think he would have learned at some point. But after meeting you and your brother, it only got worse. And look what it’s cost him. Part of me sees the allure of vengeance.” He laughed, an evil cackle that made the hairs on Sam’s neck stand up. “I understand how Lucifer could find himself on that path, because I want nothing more than to let the world burn.”

“Gabriel.” Sam said the name in a measured tone tinged with sadness.

Shaking his head, the angel refused to look at the hunter. Instead he tilted his head to the heavens. “But I won’t do that because no matter what happens to him, Castiel would never want humanity punished. I want revenge for him and he is the only reason I won’t seek it. Now that is irony.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry Sammy?”

Sadness engulfed the hunter. “I’m sorry you are in pain.” The words seemed to shock the angel. His head snapped back and his face paled. “I mean it.”

Gabriel stumbled backwards and turned his head away and quickly changed the subject. “We need to clear out. Whatever Dean was doing to him…” Gabriel winked and grinned lasciviously, “…is over now?”

Sam ignored the innuendo but allowed the subject change. “Let’s clear out then.” Within minutes, the vehicles were pulling out of the lot and heading for town. Gabriel, Crowley, and Meg remained behind. When they heard Dean and Castiel coming down the long corridor, they disappeared into other areas of the structure. Only when the sound of the Impala’s engine wafted into the entrance, did they set to work. It did not take long for them to obliterate the entire bunker. All semblance of human activity vanished and the mountain was returned to its natural state. The three beings stared at their handy work. “Not my usual brand of destruction,” the King of Hell groused.

“Aww, come on Crowley. It’s kinda fun to create. I see why Dad enjoyed it so much.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Not one aspect of this was fun. Now hell is fun.” Unable to restrain herself, Meg scoffed. “Meg, darling do you have something to add.”

“You know what. For once, I have absolutely nothing to say.” Her words seemed to drain the life source out of the other two and they left in silence. The sounds of nature filled the quiet left in their wake.


	43. The Hotel

Sam, Charlie, and Claire had just about made it to the main road when they spotted Garth on the side of the road. Sam rolled down the window of the old silver sedan. Garth loped over to the vehicle. “Mind if I tag along? Bobby decide he wanted to help Marta and her crew with the prisoners. And then he mentioned some other stops and he wasn’t too keen on company.”

Upon hearing the question, Charlie stepped out of the passenger seat and gestured to Garth. Opening the back door, she proceeded to get in the backseat with Claire.  She watched as Garth rounded the hood and slid into the car. Once he was seated, Sam put the car back in gear, and with one last backward glance at the location of Castiel’s captivity, he hit the gas. Several minutes into the drive, Charlie’s phone rang. She hurried to answer it when she saw Darla’s name fill the screen. The conversation was quick and strained. Despite her best attempts, Charlie could not keep her frustration out of her voice. Sam cleared his throat loudly several times until Charlie met his eyes in the rearview mirror. He shook his head, trying to convey his concern. Taking in his expression, Charlie softened her tone before hanging up.

“Charlie, none of this is Darla’s fault.”

Smacking her hand on the front seat, Charlie snapped, “You say that Sam, but where the hell has she been this whole time. She should have been here the second we knew where he was.”

“She isn’t a hunter, so you know there was nothing for her to do until we actually found him. And more importantly she has other patients. She can’t just abandon them, no matter how much she cares about Cas.”

Sam’s words made Charlie take a second look at her reaction to Darla. It didn’t take long for her to realize how unfair she was being. Sighing she said, “You’re right. I’m just so frustrated right now, and I don’t know where to direct my anger. I wish I’d punched Derek in his stupid traitorous face.”

A burst of laughter emanated from Claire. “I’d have loved to see that.” The others joined in her laughter. After they composed themselves, Charlie explained that Darla should arrive the next morning. It seemed so far away and the thought brought a heavy silence to the car.

 

Despite the brief moment of laughter and Sam’s lead foot, the drive to Boise dragged on and on. The silence in the car left everyone with too much time to think about Gabriel’s words. Sam’s mind raced as he drove. There was some undercurrent, some hidden meaning in the archangel’s words, but Sam could not discern what precisely it was. Sam had never seen Gabriel so serious or so heartbroken. Whatever the angel had learned when he sought out Malachi had irrevocably altered Gabriel’s life view. It terrified Sam to even think about what could cause a playboy to become so disillusioned. Worse yet, whatever it was it had everything to do with Castiel. Sam’s musings were interrupted by a pained groan from the backseat. He glanced in the rearview mirror to see an extremely tense Claire. Her face was pinched with concern.

“Something happened. Dammit. What the hell happened?” Claire looked at Charlie then at Garth. The werewolf snapped his head away from her intense gaze. “You know something.” Garth continued to stare out the window. “Garth, what is it?”

The whip thin man’s expression was dark and pained when he finally met Claire’s intense blue eyes. “It is not my place to say.”

Claire, unsatisfied with that answer, reached out and grabbed his shoulder. She shook him gently. “How are we supposed to help if we don’t know?”

“Please, don’t ask this of me. I don’t know all the facts, and it would be wrong of me to speculate.” Garth’s face was pale and any hint of the usual jovial man was gone. There was only sadness in his eyes.

Charlie whimpered. “It’s about that room. The white one.” Garth nodded. “You didn’t want me in there until you saw it had been cleaned.”

The already tense atmosphere grew even more rough when no one spoke. Sam took the opportunity to pull over, so he could truly join the conversation. “What do you mean by white room?” Charlie described the room and Garth’s reaction to it in minute detail. “Obviously, Cas was tortured in that room and based on Gabriel and Garth’s reluctance to talk about it…” Unable to voice his worst fears, Sam’s voice trailed off.

“Sam, Charlie, Claire. It is really not my place to tell you and I have a feeling Gabriel thinks the same.”

Tears welling in her eyes, Charlie sighed. “Garth is right. Cas didn’t even want us to see him. We’re his family and he hid from us. If we push this, we could do more harm than good.” Claire slid across the seat and put her arm around Charlie.

“How do we proceed then?” asked Sam.

Claire tightened her arm around Charlie and forced a breath out. “For one, we wait. We wait for Dean to call or text. We wait for Darla to get here. And most importantly we wait for Cas to ask for us.” As Claire spoke, Garth began to relax. The color returned to his face and his breathing evened out. Watching the change, Claire felt a wave of guilt. “Garth, I’m sorry I pressured you. I shouldn’t have taken my fear out on you.”

“I understand. I’m not as close to Castiel as all of you are, but I understand how hard it is to see family suffer. I know Cas is like a brother to you Sam and I wish I could ease your mind…” Garth cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath.

“But you can’t,” Sam finished for him. “It’s all right. Well none of this is all right, but we understand.” With a weak smile, Sam turned to face the steering wheel. He started the car and eased back out onto the road. “We should drop this for now anyway because we have a job to do.”

“Right. Clothes, food, a hotel. Plus, we have all this material to go over. If we ever want to go home, we need to find out all we can about the project.” Charlie nodded as she mentally checked off a list. Sam didn’t bother to remind Charlie that Pamela and Jody were working on finding a hotel. Instead, he added a few items to her list, hoping the distraction would alleviate some of Charlie’s worries.

 

When they arrived at the hotel, they were greeted by Jody and Alex. Hugs were exchanged among the entire group. It was as if each of them was touch-starved after the harrowing night. As Jody finished her last hug, Pamela emerged from the sliding doors.

“You guys coming. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. And I think it’s best we eat before Dean and Cas arrive.”

“Yeah, I can eat,” said Sam. “Got somewhere in mind.”

Pamela chuckled. “Yeah.”

“Is it close? Should we just go now and bring in our bags after?”

“You could say it’s close.” Pamela beamed. “It’s a bar and grill inside the hotel.”

Charlie nudged Sam’s arm. “Fancy. We never stay in places with sliding doors and restaurants. I bet it has a fireplace in the lobby and maybe even a pool.” Sam glowered at his friend. “What? You never let us go anywhere nice when we are on hunts.”

“You can’t really argue with her on that,” said Jody. “I’ve seen some of the dumps you’ve stayed in.” Pamela and Alex nodded their agreement.

Sam walked to the back of the car to get their bags. “Glad to see you all agree on something.”

“Very funny, Samuel,” said Pamela wryly.

 

After dragging their bags and the other materials to their rooms, the group met at the restaurant. Dark wood booths and floors filled the space. Beer signs and candle-filled canning jars adorned the walls and tables. Once seated at the only large table, silence enveloped them as each stared at their menu. The chatter only returned after their waiter had taken their orders.

“So, what happened after we left?” asked Jody. Furtive glances swept across the table, peaking the sheriff’s curiosity. “Okay, now you have to tell us.”

Charlie and Claire looked at Sam. The hunter breathed deeply and then nodded. “Gabriel came back and took Derek. We have no idea what he did with him or with Malachi, but…” Sam paused briefly. “You wouldn’t have recognized him, Jody. He was filled with so much anger and sadness. The snark was gone. Something happened, but we don’t know what it is.”

“But it’s about Cas,” added Charlie. Confused faces stared back at the red-head, so she clarified. “Whatever he was so upset about had to do with what happened to Cas inside that bunker.” Charlie stopped when she felt the heavy weight of Sam’s hand on her arm. “Right, sorry,” she said to the hunter.

Sam forced a smile before he said, “We are not going to discuss it or speculate.” He looked at Garth and the werewolf smiled. “We are going to let Cas tell us when he is ready.”

“Okay,” said Pamela. “So, what else happened and where is Bobby?”

Their food arrived as Sam explained about Bobby and Marta. As they ate, they talked about the days ahead. The food was delicious, but for some reason Sam found it difficult to enjoy. He picked at it and before he finished a quarter of it, the others were done. As he pushed his plate away, he realized he was not the only one. Claire’s plate was hardly touched. When their eyes connected, she shrugged. He had no response, so he simply tipped his head. Quiet conversation continued as their plates were cleared away. Once the bill was paid, they exited and made their way to the bank of elevators.

“Why don’t you all get cleaned up and then come to our suite, we can get to work,” said Pamela. “We have a large table and extra seating.”

Charlie stepped into the elevator and held the door for the others. “Sounds good. We won’t be long.”

 

Sam and Charlie entered their room. They both paused as if neither was ready to start the next process. With a sheepish smile, Charlie approached the bathroom door. “I guess I’ll take the first shower.” Without waiting for a response, she stepped into the bathroom.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Sam chuckled.

Charlie ducked her head out the door to see Sam holding her bag. She flushed. “Yeah I suppose clothes would be important. Thanks Sam.”

Smiling he crossed the room and handed Charlie her bag. Fifteen minutes later, a gust of steam preceded a damp-headed Charlie as she exited the bathroom. Sam stepped around her and into the bathroom, a change of clothes under his right arm. When he was done, the two of them made quick work of picking through the materials from the bunker. Each carrying a stack, they made their way to Pamela’s room.

As they went to knock, the door burst open to reveal a frazzled Pamela. Draped over her arm was a long winter coat. Stepping back, Sam said, “What’s the rush?”

The psychic’s head snapped up in surprise. “Shit. I didn’t know you guys were here,” she said as she slid around them.

“Pamela, where are you going?” asked Charlie.

Walking briskly down the hall, Pamela yelled over her shoulder. “Dean and Cas are almost here.”


	44. I Will Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end notes for a warning about this chapter.

After two hours in the car, Dean pulled into the parking lot of a nice hotel to see Pamela waiting at the entrance. She held up a long coat. “Cas, I’m going to grab that coat from Pamela so you can cover up more before we go in.” Cas just stared out the window in response. With a heavy heart, Dean stepped out of the car and ran over to Pamela.

“How is he?”

Dean’s shoulders sagged. “Not good. And I’m worried about this whole not wanting to see anybody because there is no way I’m the best person to be caring for him.”

“I disagree. He has seen you broken and put your pieces back together and now it’s your turn.” Several emotions passed across Dean’s face. When she saw fear there, Pamela sternly said, “Dean, go take care of your angel.” The hunter nodded, grabbed the coat and the hotel room key, and made a hasty retreat. At the car, he helped Cas into the coat and then escorted him to the building. He kept Cas tucked up to his side until they stepped into the elevator. Both men relaxed slightly until they reached their floor. The tension returned as the doors opened. Once again, Dean held Cas to his side before walking down the hall to their room.

As the door closed behind them, Cas sighed deeply and went to sit on the closest bed. “Hey, Cas.”  Dean’s voice shook with nerves as he said, “I know you’re tired, but let’s get you cleaned up and dress your wounds before you go to bed.” He leaned into the bathroom, “Looks like everything is ready for you. How do you…?” Dean stopped as a hand rested on his shoulder.

“I think I can manage.” Cas walked into the bathroom and went to close the door.

“Hang on. Let me get you a change of clothes.” Dean quickly crossed the room and grabbed the bag of clothes. As he handed the bag to Cas, he said, “Yell if you need anything.” Cas nodded and gently shut the door. Dean heard the shower turn on and he slid down to the floor. His eyes drifted over his own body, pausing on the blood stains on his clothes. Most he knew came from Cas. The thought made bile rise into his throat. He was filled with an overwhelming desire to scrub himself clean. Stifling the thought, he rested his head against the bathroom door and waited. He heard the sobs before he heard Cas cry out. “Cas?” When no answer came, Dean cracked the door. “Cas, can I come in?”

“Yes.”

Slipping in the door, Dean saw Cas’ hand reaching for him from just above the tub. Dean lowered himself to the floor. He gingerly took the offered hand. “What can I do?”

“Just stay,” whispered Cas.

And so he stayed.

He stayed when Cas let go of his hand. He stayed when he heard Cas stand and begin to wash himself. He stayed through the angel’s quiet sobs. He stayed as the shower was turned off and a tentative hand snaked around the curtain. He stayed after handing Cas a towel. He stayed until Cas was ready to step out and get dressed. Only then did the hunter make his exit. “I will be just outside.” He slowly closed the door as the shower curtain was pulled back. He waited outside the door with trepidation, unsure of what would emerge from the bathroom.

“Dean.” The gritty voice sounded pained, but steady.

“Yeah, Cas.”

“I…could you help.”

Reaching for the handle, Dean took a deep breath. He opened the door slowly. “I’m coming in. Okay?” As he cleared the door, he saw Cas struggling with his shirt. His hands were shaking as he tried to button it. “Hey.” Dean pulled Cas’ hands away. “Just hold on a second. I need to bandage some of these cuts.”

When he was finished, Dean spotted the bag of clothes. He picked it up and searched through the items. Pulling out a dark blue sweater, he held it out to Cas who was once again struggling with the button-down shirt. “This will be better. No buttons and it should be more comfortable.” The angel took the garment and ran the soft material through his fingers.

He looked down at the dress shirt and then back up at Dean with a shy smile. Without needing to hear the plea, Dean stepped forward and helped Cas remove the shirt. Thin arms and a sharp collar bone greeted the hunter.  Dean helped Cas into a pale-gray t-shirt which hung loosely on his gaunt body. Pulling his eyes away, Dean lifted his head. A slight blush tinged Cas’ cheeks, and he hid his eyes from Dean. Slipping his index finger under Cas’ chin, Dean turned the angel’s head until their gazes met. “Don’t hide from me, Cas. I am here for you, and I will never judge you. Whatever they did to you, whatever happened, was not your fault. All that matters is you survived and you are here…with me.” Cas tried to look away, but Dean cupped his cheek and held firm. “Cas, you beat them. You are stronger than what they did to you.”

Cas leaned into the hand on his face and sighed. They lingered for several seconds before Dean removed his hand and helped Cas into the sweater. When Dean reached out to take his hand, Cas flinched. The reaction hurt the hunter, but he squashed those feelings and stepped away. He waited for Cas to decide the next move. A shaky hand eventually reached for him. Dean inhaled sharply at the slight touch to his wrist. His hand twitched with the desire to entwine their fingers, but he forced his hand to remain still. Dean kept his eyes on Cas’ face while the angel stared at their hands. Cas bit his bottom lip as he slid his hand around Dean’s wrist. Warmth filled Dean’s chest and then suffused the rest of his body when Cas raised his head to look in Dean’s eyes. “Ready?” Dean asked with kindness. Cas nodded slightly so Dean continued, “Do you want to eat or sleep first?”

The question seemed to increase the angel’s anxiety and the hand on Dean’s wrist tightened severely. Cas swallowed harshly and tried to speak, but his voice cracked painfully. Measuring the intensity of the angel’s reaction and the exhausted look in Cas’ eyes, Dean decided to make the choice for him. “How about you rest while I get cleaned up?” Without waiting for an answer, Dean led Cas to the bed. He pulled back the covers and waited for Cas to get in before tucking the blankets around him. The entire time, Cas held onto Dean’s wrist. When he didn’t let go, Dean knelt next to the bed. “What is it, Cas?”

“Will you stay?”

“I’m not leaving. I’m just going to take a shower.” He gestured to the bathroom.

Cas closed his eyes. “Okay.”

The word signaled agreement, but everything about Cas’ demeanor screamed no. “Do you want me to stay here until you fall asleep?” With his eyes still closed, the angel nodded. “I can do that.” Dean shifted around until he was sitting next to the bed. As he leaned back toward the wall, Cas’ hand slipped down onto the hunter's rough calloused hand. Dean entangled their fingers, pressed his head into the wall and closed his eyes. He listened to Castiel’s breathing until it went from ragged to the steady rhythm of sleep. Opening his eyes, he turned toward the bed. He watched Cas sleep for several minutes. When the angel’s grip loosened, Dean gently pulled his hand free. He stood and quietly walked to the window. He dug his phone out of his pocket.

Sam’s voice sounded distant. Dean strained to focus on it. “Sorry, I’m here.” He listened to his younger brother’s questions. “He was exhausted, so I decided he needed to sleep. But I’m sure he’ll be hungry when he wakes up. And as for the rest, they obviously starved him and tortured him. I bandaged him up, but he still looks half-starved and he’s really weak. Basically, he’s human.” Dean hung up the phone with promises to text with updates. He laid the phone on the desk and went to take a quick shower.

 

Hours later, Castiel woke to find Dean sitting on the floor next to the bed. He was asleep, leaning against the wall with one of his hands resting on the edge of the bed. Cas watched him sleep as he had often done in the past. He wondered if Dean would still find it creepy or if they were past that point after everything they had been through. The angel hoped for the latter. As if Cas’ thoughts became animated, Dean woke up with blue eyes staring at him. The hunter smiled. “Hey, sunshine. Have you been awake long?”

“Not long.” Cas sat up and watched as Dean stretched his arms above his head. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

Lowering his arms, Dean’s smile grew. “Thanks for that, but you can wake me if you need to.”

“I know.”

“Well, good. I’m glad we agree.” Dean shifted onto his knees, rested his hands on the bed, and levered himself from the floor with a groan. “Shit. I think my ass is asleep.” Cas stifled a chuckle as he smiled up at Dean. “You think that’s funny.” The angel shrugged and with mock exasperation Dean shook his head. “Are you hungry because I’m starving?”

The smile slid off Castiel’s face and a deep weariness returned to his eyes. “I could try to eat,” he said meekly, “but sometimes it makes me feel worse.”

Dean shifted nervously. “Um…that’s probably because you haven’t been eating enough. I should check with Alex and see what we should do.” Cas watched Dean pace the room as he talked with Alex. He heard snippets of the conversation and the substantial change in Dean’s tone the longer it went. The hunter grew frustrated and his footfalls grew heavier. At one point, he dropped onto the bed and sighed heavily. After he hung up the phone, it took Dean several heartbeats to turn to Cas. A deep sadness filled Dean’s green eyes and Cas felt guilty for putting it there. “So, you’re going to be on a restricted diet for a bit until your stomach gets used to eating again.” Dean raked his hands through his hair. “Gabriel could fix this. He’s a fucking archangel for God’s sake.”

“Dean.” Cas sighed as he leaned against the headboard.  “He could only do so much. He could not repair my soul or my grace and I don’t want him to know.”

“But you’re so thin. You don’t have to tell him anything.”

“He would sense all the injuries whether I tell him or not. It would be hard for him to see the damage and there are other factors which would make it too difficult for him and for me.” Cas’ voice went weak and thready, and he saw Dean blanch at the sound.

The hunter’s lips turned down in a frown and his brow furrowed. “Other factors?”

Cas felt his muscles clench at the memory of his time with Malachi. The feeling of violation, the pain, the fear, the disgust, the humiliation. “Dean, I know you know. I saw it in your face. How you looked at me with revulsion? How…”

“Castiel!” snapped Dean. “Stop right there. First, I did not know for sure until this moment. Second, I did not nor will I ever look at you with revulsion. You did nothing wrong.”

Wanting to protest, Cas tried to speak, but Dean would not allow it. “No dammit. You need to hear me. They hurt you. They are at fault. Not you.” He sat on the edge of the bed and implored the angel to believe him.

“But I…he touched…I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to but I did.” Cas shuddered at the memory of his weakness. Dean pulled him into his arms as Cas mumbled, “You don’t understand what I did.”

Resting his chin on the top of Cas’ head, Dean spoke in a quiet yet commanding voice. “Do you blame me for getting off the rack and torturing souls?”

“Of course not. No one can withstand hell’s torture.”

“If I am not to blame for that, then you are not to blame for anything that happened or anything you did while they had you.” Dean ran his hand gingerly down Cas’ back. At first he tensed, but then the touch soothed something deep inside and Castiel relaxed into it. He listened to Dean’s heartbeat and tried to see the situation from his shoes. Logically, he knew it was not his fault, but when he relived the moment he gave in to Malachi, logic vanished. He kept turning the thoughts over in his head, growing wearier by the second. He leaned more heavily on Dean. “Cas, it will take time for you to understand and to heal. It took time for me to understand how I could pick up that knife and enjoy it. To accept that it didn’t make me a monster or change who I was at my core. And the same goes for you.”

The sincerity of Dean’s words and the softness of his voice made Castiel feel safe. It also made him feel liberated in a way escaping had not. The vice around his chest eased and the knot in his stomach released. In the next breath, his stomach grumbled. Dean’s chuckle sent vibrations through Cas. “I guess that means it’s time to eat.”

“I suppose it is,” said Cas as he leaned back to look at Dean. The hunter smiled before placing a tender kiss on the angel’s forehead. Castiel smiled to himself, pleased that he could still accept Dean’s touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rape is mentioned as Dean and Cas talk.


	45. Say the Word

It had been hours since Dean and Cas ate. From the texts he received, Dean knew the others were all in the hotel, either at the bar or in their rooms. His phone filled with messages and questions. Some of which he relayed to Cas, and others he determined were too early or too sensitive to share with the angel. Reading through them a second time, he could tell Charlie was struggling and with each passing hour she was finding it harder. Dean tried to reassure her that Cas was okay and that eventually he would want to see her. His words did not seem to help in the least. He began to second guess himself. He wondered if it would be better to push Castiel instead of letting him hide. He went back and forth until his head hurt.

Looking at the angel, he decided to approach the topic. “Cas, I noticed some of your wounds have started to heal. Are you feeling less pain?”

“Yes, my body feels better.”

“Umm…that’s good. And your stomach?”

Castiel smiled wanly. “I’m not going to vomit if that is what you’re asking.”

“Sort of, I guess. I am just trying to figure out how you are because Charlie keeps asking about you.” Dean stared at Cas hoping he might provide more details, but the angel simply stared back with a blank expression. “It might help her if she could see you in person.” Castiel frowned and turned away. “Cas, I know you are worried about seeing them, but I’m not sure what we’re doing is the right thing. They love you and you love them.” Dean tried to sound encouraging when he added, “You let them help you after the coma.”

“Dammit, Dean. This is different and you know it. They will look at me differently.” Dean set the phone down on the desk and walked over to the angel’s bed. He sat down and rested his hand on Cas’ crossed ankles. Castiel tensed at the touch. Dean chose to ignore the movement. “You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to. Just let them be here for you. Let them love you.” Dean felt his face heat up and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “God, I sound ridiculous.”

“No, you don’t.” Cas’ voice was hard and passionate. “You are right. I know that, but…I feel dirty, Dean. How can I let them see me when I don’t want to see myself?” The word dirty stabbed Dean in his heart. He swallowed harshly and tried to find the right words. He didn’t know how to comfort Cas and feared he would only make it worse but doing nothing seemed cruel. He worried Cas would take it as confirmation of that heinous word, so instead of giving into his cowardice he slid up the bed and reached for the angel. He held Cas’ hands, rubbing them gently. “I wish I could make it all go away. You deserve so much better than you have been given in this life. I know I can’t truly understand how you feel, but…” Dean stared into the depths of Castiel’s blue eyes, searching for an anchor, a connection. When he saw a glint of recognition, he continued, “…there have been times I felt dirty. As if I could not get clean enough, like I could not wash away all the blood.”

Cas closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest. “I don’t want to feel this way. I should be strong enough to…”

“To what Cas. Just get over it. That’s not how this works because you don’t just get over trauma.” He squeezed Castiel’s hands. “You are strong and courageous. He didn’t take that from you. It’s still there. You showed that by surviving. By fighting back and trying to escape. You’ve shown that to me every minute since I found you. But strength will not wipe out what happened to you. It will not stop the pain. There is no right or wrong reaction to…fuck…” Dean eased one of his hands free and lifted it to Castiel’s face. He cupped Cas’ cheek gently. “Cas, we can’t keep talking around it. You were raped and a violation like that is damaging in so many ways.” Castiel flinched at the words and started to pull away from Dean. “I will let go of you, but I will not leave you. I am going to stay close because walling yourself off will only make it harder in the end.”

The angel shuddered but stopped moving away. After taking several deep breaths, he leaned back into Dean’s touch. “Dean, what if I never get over it. Where does that leave me?”

“I am not trying to be cruel, but you won’t get over it, Cas. You will heal. You will get better, and you will learn how to live with it. And you will not do it alone.” At the conviction in Dean’s voice, the angel raised his head and met steely green eyes. Compassion lingered under their intensity. “I will be there. Charlie, Sam and Pamela will be there. Darla will be there. In fact, she is on her way here.” Castiel’s eyes clouded over with confusion before he turned away from Dean, placing a slight distance between them. “What is it?”

Shaking his head, Cas refused to answer. He shifted further away and curled in on himself. Finally, he whispered, “Why?”

Now it was Dean’s turn for confusion. “Why what?”

“Why is she coming here, when I will be going home?”

The words weighed heavy on Dean. Having to tell Cas, after everything he had suffered, that he could not go home was the last thing the hunter wanted to do. Unfortunately, there was no choice. “I’m so sorry, Cas, but you can’t go home. Not until everyone that knew about that place and the projects conducted there is accounted for and dealt with. And even then, we’re not sure you would be safe there.”

Sadness permeated the space around the men, and the quiet seemed to heighten the oppressive feeling. The spell was broken when Cas raised his head to look at Dean. The hunter saw a fathomless depth in the stormy blue eyes of the angel. The sight overwhelmed Dean, and he exhaled sharply. “I want to go home, Dean.”

“I know and I want you to be able to go home.”

“Yet you won’t let me,” said Cas bitterly.

Dean nodded.

“So what then?”

At this, Dean actually smiled. “If you can believe it, Meg is searching for a place. From what Sam said, she has enlisted Jody and the girls to help. As for now, we stay here and then maybe hole up in the bunker until they find the spot.” Castiel tensed at the mention of the bunker. Fear flashed in his eyes and Dean saw it before he could mask it. Without acknowledging the moment, Dean suggested other options. “Maybe we should find a resort or cabin. I think we all deserve a vacation.   What do you think?” Cas’ lips quirked up and his eyes shown with gratitude. “I take it that’s a yes.”

“Yes, Dean.”

“Good.” Dean texted Charlie and Sam letting them know of Castiel’s decision. “Since we have that taken care of how about we get back to our original discussion.” His words deflated the mood immediately. “Cas, please. We need to at least talk about this.”

“I know, but that doesn’t make it any easier.” Cas shrugged his shoulders before hoisting himself off the bed. His footsteps were heavy as he approached the window. “As an angel, I never worried about what other’s thought of me. Shame, guilt. Those were human constructs I could never understand. It’s why it was difficult for me to understand your shame over your sexuality. But the longer I stayed on earth, the more time I spent with you and Sam, the more those emotions entered my consciousness. I suppose I could remove them. Become that angel again.”

Dean gasped and leapt off the bed. “Cas, no.” The angel waited until Dean stood toe to toe with him. “I assure you I will not make that choice because if I did, I would lose so much more.”

“And what is that?”

“Family, love, joy, pleasure, connection.” Castiel chuckled when he added with all seriousness, “The taste of food.”

Dean threw his head back and laughed. “Hmm…priorities.”

“If you had to taste molecules, you would understand.”

“I don’t need to do that to understand. Food is one of humanity’s greatest pleasures.”

The angel smirked, “Bacon, pie, cheeseburgers.”

As Dean went to add to the list, he realized Cas had effectively steered them from the previous subject. “As much as I would love to keep discussing food, we need to get back on topic.”

“You are infuriatingly stubborn.” Dean raised his eyebrows at the angel. “Fine. We are both stubborn.”

“It’s why we get along so well.” This time Cas raised an eyebrow. “Or why we bicker like an old married couple.” The angel tipped his head in agreement. “You were talking about shame. Do you think the others would judge you? Is that what you are afraid of?”

Cas shook his head aggressively. “Of course not. They would never. It is more about how I feel about myself. About how I look. Don’t you think they endured enough of me weak and broken. They don’t need to know how it happened this time.”

“I am not asking you to tell them. I just want you to spend time with them. We can talk about something else. We could tell you how we found you and maybe you could tell us about Marta. And as far as how you look, no one will care, but if it bothers you why don’t you let Gabriel heal you.”

Snapping in exasperation, Cas said, “I already told you why.”

“Yeah, you did. I’ll drop it for now.”

“Thank you.”

During their conversation at the window, Dean had watched Cas grow physically weaker. His shoulders slumped and he leaned more prominently on the window frame. His brow furrowed and his hand clenched in an effort to stand strong. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold Cas, but he did not want to contribute to the angel’s feelings of weakness. “You’re welcome. Can we sit? After all the hiking, I’ve been doing my feet are sore.”

The angel cocked his head to the side. “Hiking?”

As he crossed the room to sit on the bed, Dean said, “That’s a big part of our search for you.” Dean waited, hoping Cas was considering his suggestion. The angel sat down on the opposite bed, but remained silent, so Dean continued, “Do you want to hear about it?”

“Yes.”

“Should I invite the others? We are all dying to know who the heck Marta is and about this community you supposedly created.”

With closed eyes and a deep sigh, Castiel nodded. Cautiously, Dean picked up his phone. Held it out as if asking for confirmation. The angel nodded again. Dean typed the text message but froze as he went to send it. “Um…who am I sending this to?” A minute passed before Cas said, “Charlie, Sam, and Pamela.” The answer loosened the vice around Dean’s chest, and he could not stop himself from grinning. He ducked his head to try and hide it from Cas. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Why aren’t you looking at me?”

The blunt question brought an even larger smile to Dean’s face and heat to rise in his cheeks. “Leave it to you to get right to the point. It was dumb.” Cas frowned as if to say _well_. “It really is dumb. I was smiling and I didn’t want you to see.”

“That is dumb.”

“Told ya. Now since we solved that, can I send this text?”

Smiling softly Castiel said, “Of course, Dean.”


	46. Nerves, Friends, and Family

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Castiel twitched at the sound, and without conscious choice, he found himself off the bed and as far from the door as possible. Dean watched him and waited. It took several seconds and a deep breath before Cas gave him permission to open the door. When Dean did, instead of letting the others in, he stepped into the hallway. At first, he thought Dean had misinterpreted his silent communication and was sending them away. After a few minutes passed, he rethought that assumption. Dean was clearly talking with Sam, Charlie, and Pamela. The question was what was he telling them. Despite immediately thinking the worst, Cas talked himself down.

Dean would never betray his trust. He would not tell them about Castiel’s experience at the hands of his captors. He felt himself relax minutely, but the majority of his nerves remained. He was still unsure about the meeting. He wanted to talk with his friends, but he feared the way they would look at him. Even with Dean’s constant encouragement since he sent the text, Cas’ anxiety held firm until Dean’s earlier words came back full force. He attuned to those. He was a survivor. He was stronger than what was done to him. Dean believed in him, so he needed to at least try and believe in himself. Being with Charlie, Sam, and Pamela would be the first step toward doing it. Mind made up, Cas pulled his shoulders back, steeled his nerves, preparing himself for the door to open.

 

Dean had glanced back at Cas with a tight smile before he shut the door behind him. Trepidation filled him at leaving the angel alone. Castiel was slowly healing physically, but the depleted nature of his grace, and the low ebb of their bond worried the hunter. The constant hum of worry did not allow Dean to relax, even at the prospect of being with Sam again. He wanted to talk to Cas about his worry and about their bond. Each time he went to mention it, he thought of how selfish it was. He berated himself for being needy and for being weak. He reminded himself that Cas endured the breaking of their bond while being tortured. Cas held on through his captivity, so Dean needed to do the same now. Putting this internal struggle aside, he greeted his brother and his friends. All three of them stood before him looking apprehensive. He wished he could ease their worries, but he knew he couldn’t. Seeing Cas was going to be challenging for all of them, and the only thing he could do was prepare them for it.

“First, he is concerned about how he looks so please try not to stare at him. Second, physical contact is difficult for him so don’t touch him. Let him come to you. Third, don’t ask about what happened to him. He’s not ready to talk about it.” Dean was prepared for an onslaught of questions, but he received abject silence instead. Three sets of eyes looked at him with unconcealed pain. “Okay and that right there.” He waved at their faces. “You need to hide how you’re feeling better than that. He doesn’t want pity or tears.”

Sam stood up to his full height. “Okay.”

“We will do our best,” added Charlie.

After a nod from Pamela, Dean opened the door and stepped inside. Castiel was standing by the window with his arms held stiffly at his sides. He shifted back and forth nervously while keeping his eyes on the floor. His deep voice, choked with tension, greeted his friends with a simple, “Hello.” Charlie crossed the space between them rapidly, but she faltered when she saw Cas stumble backwards with wide panicked eyes. They both froze, eyes trained on the other. It took Dean walking into their sight line for either of them to move. Charlie was first to drop her gaze and shake her head. “Sorry,” she whispered. The pained tone of her voice shook Castiel out of his fear. His friend’s body exuded discomfort. He could tell she was waging an internal war between her need to hug him and her need to honor his wishes. In many ways, he was undergoing the same war and when he swept his eyes over the others, he saw them suffering as well. This was on him. Guilt consumed him. Something in his expression triggered a swift reaction from Dean.

“No, don’t do that. Cas. We talked about this. You did nothing wrong.”

“But…” Even to himself his voice sounded weak.

“No, buts. Okay?”

Castiel nodded eliciting a smile from Dean. He took his eyes off the hunter and looked at Charlie. She still looked apprehensive which pained him deeply. Ignoring his anxiety, he reached out to the red-head. She took a tentative step forward. Dean stepped back, allowing her to take another step and another. With only a few feet between them, Charlie stopped, reaching out her hand. Castiel closed the distance between them. He clasped her small hand with both of his.

Tears tracked down Charlie’s face. “I was so scared.” She stared at their hands before lifting her head and finding the angel’s eyes. “You’re really here.”

“Yes, Charlie.” Cas soothed her with his voice and a brush of his thumbs over her hand. “I am here. You don’t need to be afraid anymore.” The weight of those words reverberated in Castiel’s mind, prompting him to ponder the veracity of the statement. He still felt fear. They could not return home because he was still in danger. There were people who still posed a threat.   In the next breath, he stopped the downward spiral by looking for the bigger picture. Life was dangerous. Their lives were and had always been dangerous. Personal safety paled in comparison to the safety of the world. As his mind raced, his body grew more fatigued. His vision blurred as his body began to sway and his knees weakened. An arm snaked around his back and supported him.

Through the fog, he heard Dean say, “Okay, sunshine that’s enough standing for you.” His feet left the ground as Dean lifted him into his arms. “You with me?”

“Hmmm….”

“That’s not really the answer I was going for. How about you try again?”

Castiel opened his eyes as he was laid down on the bed. Concerned green eyes filled his vision. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey.” The hunter brushed the hair off Cas’ forehead. “I thought we were done with the whole passing out business.”

“It would appear we are not.” The sound of shuffling feet drew his attention. Charlie, Pamela, and Sam were standing by the door, watching him with weary eyes. “You don’t have to go.”

Sam walked over and sat down on the other bed. “Are you sure? We can come back later.”

Smiling weakly, Castiel said, “I’m sure. I’ve missed all of you.”

Sam looked over his shoulder at the two women still standing by the door. He turned back to face Castiel, and in a voice strained with emotion, he said, “We’ve missed you, too.”

The angel tipped his head forward and gestured to Pamela and Charlie. “Come sit.” Cas smiled as both women nodded. Pamela walked over to Sam and slid in next to him. Charlie approached the end of Cas’ bed and tentatively touched the corner. “Is it okay if I sit here?” After a quick nod from Cas, she climbed up on the bed and sat cross legged, facing her friend. Dean was hovering on the other side of the bed intently watching the dynamics. With everyone seated, he grew restless but did not want to leave Castiel’s side, so he remained standing next to the blue-eyed angel. It took Cas reaching out for him to realize he was rocking back and forth.

“Dean?” Cas waited for Dean to halt his movements. “Please sit.”

Dean blushed and gave the angel a sheepish smile. He retreated to the desk and retrieved the chair. He wheeled it next to the bed and then sat down. Never once did his eyes stray from Cas. “Happy now, boss?”

Instead of answering, Cas held out his hand. Dean did not hesitate to take it in his own. “Now I’m happy,” Cas said as he smiled brightly. Tension seemed to leech out of every person in the room at the glorious sight. Charlie went so far as to clap. At the sound, Cas snapped his head around, heart pounding with a flash of panic. As soon as he saw her expression, his body relaxed.

Dean flexed the hand still entwined with Castiel’s. “How about we agree to not make loud or unexpected sounds? I’m not sure my hand will survive otherwise." At the hunter’s words, Cas realized he had Dean’s hand in a death grip. Blushing he said, “I’m sorry Dean.”

“It’s okay. In fact, it’s good to know you still have some of your strength. That’s a good sign.”

Cas shrugged and tipped his head to the side. The action was so very human that it took Dean a second to recover. “What?” Cas asked with confusion.

“Nothin’.” At Cas’ questioning expression, Dean continued, “Really. It was nothing.”

Castiel chose to let it go and finally turned away from Dean to look at the others. “Dean said you would tell me about how you found me.”

Sam and Pamela both looked to Charlie. “I guess that means I’m up,” she chuckled. “Well, let’s see. It took a massive group effort to say the least. Pamela and Darla narrowed down the area. I used my awesome skills to pinpoint some potential spots. Claire and Garth followed Derek around hoping he would lead us to you. The rest of us divided up and searched.”

“The hiking I was talking about,” interjected Dean.

Pamela grinned widely and winked at Dean. “Oh and let me tell you. He whined. A lot.” The hunter frowned at her, but his eyes reflected humor. “Don’t listen to her Cas.” The angel squeezed Dean’s hand. “Don’t worry Dean, I already know your distaste for exercise.”

“Ha, Ha. Very funny.”

Sam smirked at his brother. “It’s not like it’s a big secret. The only reason you don’t have high blood pressure and clogged arteries is because of Cas.”

Dean blushed but didn’t shy away. “I guess I should thank you for that.”

“No need Dean. I would never let anything harm you if it is within my power.” Castiel blushed at his own words and the heat on his neck increased at the “Awww” emanating from the two women in the room. He turned his head away and looked down at the bed.

Dean huffed as he nudged the bed with his foot. Cas glanced at him without fully lifting his head. “You okay?” Cas nodded but continued to stare at the bed. Cas was clearly uncomfortable with the direction of the discussion, so Dean realized he needed to move the conversation away from personal topics. “Sam, why don’t you tell Cas about Bobby found?”

Sam immediately launched into a detailed account of the bunker in Montana. Castiel listened intently while keeping his face passive. It wasn’t until Sam mentioned the war that the angel showed any sign of recognition. The shift was slight, but Dean saw it immediately. The angel’s body tensed and his shoulders squared. A hint of the former soldier of heaven appeared. As Sam continued, Cas remained stoic, but the color in his cheeks gave him away. It was then that Sam said, “We found out who helped the Men of Letters.”

Cas shifted his eyes away and glanced at the ceiling. He bit his lip and tried to hold still. Despite his best efforts a shiver ran down his spine. He knew once Sam started talking about Montana the odds were his secret had been found. He wanted to ignore the comment. Pretend he did not know what Sam was talking about, but of course the younger Winchester was as stubborn as Dean. “We were shocked needless to say. I think it took us all at least a day to fully understand what it meant.” As Cas remained focused on the ceiling, Dean tried to gain his attention. He squeezed the angel’s hand. He kicked the bed several times. He cleared his throat and once he even hummed. All of which Cas refused to acknowledge. Finally, he said, “Want to tell us how you got in the spy business, Cas?”

The angel snorted, “Not really.”

“Cas come on. Give us something.” Charlie got up on her knees. “Please.”


	47. His Story Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Historical information will be woven through this chapter and beyond. I love the study of the past and incorporating it provided a heartbreaking, yet poignantly beautiful backdrop for Castiel's story. Thanks for reading and for the kudos. Hope you enjoy this one.

Charlie’s enthusiasm eased some of Castiel’s anxiety. He remembered many nights curled up on his bed with his feisty friend. Their movie nights. Their long conversations. The laughter. The tears. The hugs. He was safe with Charlie. He always had been. With that thought, he swept his eyes over the other two guests. He saw love and kindness in their eyes. Pamela and Sam were no different than Charlie. He trusted them. After the coma, he relied on them. He had put his life in their hands in many ways, and they never let him down. This was his family. His small, dysfunctional, passionate, chosen family. He felt a tightening on his hand. Turning to face Dean, he saw a smile on the hunter’s face. As he went to return the expression, he realized he was already smiling. It hit him then that the simple thought of family could still bring him joy. “Maybe I’m not as broken as I feared.”

Dean leaned forward and with his free hand he touched Cas’ cheek. “Hey, you are not broken.”

Castiel’s eyes opened wide in shock. “I…how did you…”

Dean shushed his rambling. “Cas, it’s okay.”

“I don’t understand, Dean. How did you know what I was thinking?”

The hunter ran his thumb along the angel’s jaw. “You said it out loud. Seems you are adopting my irritating new habit of speaking without meaning to.”

“Oh.” Cas stared at Dean until he felt a tingle on the back of his neck. The feeling reminded him they were not alone. He pulled his gaze away from Dean and looked at Charlie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

Charlie bit her lip, Pamela uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, but it was Sam who spoke. “You may have not meant to say it, but you consciously felt it.”

Shaking his head, Cas said, “You wanted to hear about the war, so…” Charlie’s gasp halted him. His shoulders slumped and exhaustion consumed him. His body slumped against the headboard. He could feel Dean’s panic next to him. He wanted to reassure him, but before he could speak, Dean was kneeling next to the bed. “What is it Cas? What do you need?” Cas shook his head. “Cas, you’re white as a sheet and your skin is all clammy. Something is going on.”

“I’m fine Dean.”

“Wow, he sounds just like you.”

“Shut it Sammy.” Dean’s eyes never left Cas even as he flipped off his brother.

Sam stood up and walked to the small refrigerator. He pulled out a bottle of water. “Here, maybe this will help.” He handed the bottle to Charlie. She proceeded to give it to Dean who was holding out his hand.

Dean opened the bottle and put it in Cas’ shaky hand. “Drink some.”

After he took several small sips, Cas lowered the bottle to his lap. “Thank you.” He leaned his head back against the headboard, closed his eyes, and sighed. “I feel a little better.”

No longer able to contain her concern, Pamela said, “I know we’re not supposed to talk about certain things, but Cas we’re worried. What’s going on with you?”

“Dammit Pamela. I warned you about this.” Dean’s angry voice sent a chill through the room. Pamela startled back at the harsh tone. Cas pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them. It was this motion that stopped Dean from continuing. Instead, he lowered his head to the bed, resting it on the starchy sheet.   A mumbled, “I’m sorry,” seeped out. When he lifted his head, shame and anguish were visible in his eyes. “I shouldn’t have yelled. I just thought you understood.”

“I did. I do. I'm only asking for information on what we are witnessing now, not what happened before.”

It was Cas who addressed his friend. “What exactly do you wish to know, Pamela?”

“How about we start with why you are so tired and what is up with your grace?”

Cas nodded as his brow furrowed. “I assume you know they muted my grace. They used restraints with angelic warding to achieve this. Essentially, it cut off my ability to access it and in so doing cut off my…” He paused and turned his blue soulful eyes on Dean. “I haven’t asked you how it felt for you. I’m sorry. We should have already discussed this.” Dean’s wan smile did little to assuage Cas’ guilt and sadness.

When Dean didn't say anything, Sam interjected. “Cas, this may not be my place, but I witnessed the moment your bond was severed. He was in tremendous pain before he collapsed. He was unconscious and when he awoke…he thought you were dead. It was terrifying.”

“I didn’t let him say it. I knew you weren’t dead.”

“Thank you, Charlie, but I figured it would feel that way for Dean. It was excruciating for me, and it was made worse because of my fear for him. It was the collar they put around my neck. The second it locked. He was gone from me.” A choked off sob to his right alerted the angel to Dean’s distress. The memory was brutal for both of them. “It was one of the worst experiences in my existence.”

“Mine, too,” whispered a teary-eyed Dean. Rubbing his hand down his face, he cleared away the moisture. “Could we save the rest of that discussion for just the two of us?”

“Of course, Dean.” Cas patted his hand. “Why don’t you sit in the chair? You’re too old to stay on your knees that long.”

Dean braced himself on the bed and went to stand. “I’m not that old. You’re old,” he said just as his knees cracked. Sam chuckled. Followed quickly by Charlie and Pamela. Castiel, however, did not laugh as his face was firmly set with an air of smugness. Seeing that expression on his angel’s face made any mocking he would get for his lame come back and old knees worth it. “I’d say that’s a good look on you, but I’d be lying,” he said with a lilt and a smile.

“I beg to differ. That is a great look on you, Castiel.” Pamela winked at the angel before doing the same to Dean.

As Dean finally sat down, he rolled his eyes. “All right moving on. How about we get back to the whole spy thing?” Charlie snapped, “No. Cas needs to finish telling us about his grace.”

Biting his bottom lip, the angel thought back over their conversation. “As I said, the shackles cut off my grace. It was muted for so long that it remains weak and will need time to regenerate. I feel it more with each passing hour. I must remain cognizant of it or it will drain itself again trying to fully heal all my wounds.”

“Couldn’t Gabriel help with that?” asked Sam. “I know he wants to see you.”

Shaking his head vigorously, Cas tried to explain, but his voice cracked on the overwhelming surge of emotion he felt at the mention of his brother’s name. Dean, recognizing the signs of a panic attack, soothed the angel with a tender touch and gentle words. “Shh, sunshine. I got this. Sam, he is not ready to see Gabriel. I can’t stress this enough. We do this on his terms. Cas agreed to see you three. People he trusts with his life and his love and even that was a struggle. So please try to understand this is going to take time. There are moments he shies away from me. Certain phrases, some noises, types of touch. They can all cause issues, so the more people we push on him the more chances for someone to say or do the wrong thing.”

“Okay. We’ve been through this before. It’s like after the coma when your…” Charlie clamped her jaw shut and turned away quickly.

“You can say it Charlie. I know I triggered his panic attacks. So yes, it’s like that.”

Charlie dipped her head before glancing nervously at Sam and Pamela. Both responded with a tentative shoulder shrug. The silent communication did not go unnoticed by Cas or Dean. Cas shifted uncomfortably as his anxiety ratcheted up again, but he refused to give into it. He chose to address the issue head on instead of waiting for the inevitable question. “Charlie, there is obviously something else you would like to know, so please just ask.”

“I wasn’t trying to be cagey. I am just afraid to say or do the wrong thing. I love you and don’t want to hurt you.”

“I love you, too and I know you would never hurt me purposely. I just won’t answer if it is too much for me.”

At this response, Charlie relaxed slightly and her lips quirked up in a tiny smile. “We were curious about the weight loss.” Castiel cringed which made Charlie pause briefly before charging ahead. “It does not seem like your grace is helping with that. Will it eventually or do we need to be thinking about your diet?”

Dean knew the subject of his appearance was especially touchy for Cas, so he chose to answer Charlie. “Cas and I have already discussed this. He believes his grace will help it over time, but until then he is going to need to eat with his weight and nutrition in mind.”

Sam bolted upright in abject shock. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother? I expected you to push for cheeseburgers, pie, and fried foods.”

Dean shook his head and looked at Sam dejectedly. “You know what after everything I have done to improve myself these last months, you’d think my own brother would recognize that and acknowledge my progress. Even after Cas was taken, I didn’t fall back on my old ways.” This time Castiel reached for Dean. He laced their fingers together and tugged lightly. When green eyes met blue, the angel whispered, “I see you as you are now.” Dean’s body went practically boneless. He had never in his life felt free of burden, but for a heartbeat, it was all gone.

The sound of a heavy weight dropping onto a bed was followed by a rush of breath and a desperate, “I’m sorry.” Shifting his gaze, Dean saw Sam slumped on the edge of the bed. “I know how hard you’ve worked and I respect the hell out of you for it.”

“It’s okay, Sammy. I probably overreacted. And before we go down another rabbit hole dealing with feelings, I would like to suggest we move the fuck on. I can’t handle anymore today.”

Cas squeezed Dean’s hand. “I agree with Dean, so to aid in this I will tell you about Montana. In actuality, the story goes a bit further back. Much of which was buried in my head due to Naomi’s ministrations. Over time and with a little help from Samandriel, Hester, Gabriel, and surprisingly Metatron, I recovered many of those memories.” The angel took in the look of shock on their faces when he mentioned Metatron. Instead of delving into that topic, he forged ahead with his story.

 

_My forays onto earth were not limited to the few times heaven sent me on a mission. I was assigned a role on earth during the time of Augustus and King Herod. The Roman Empire had swept across Mediterranean lands and ruled large swaths of people. Many angels were sent as a result of this upheaval. Judea and its stewardship were in question. Faith was shaken as it always is in a time of conquest and war. I did not remain long. Whatever our mission, it was over quickly and only a few angels were privy to the actions taken. It was not that many years later when Gabriel was sent to deliver a message. This was the first time I remember traveling to earth without explicit instructions. Although from what Naomi said, I rebelled throughout my existence. So, who knows when it all began? Gabriel’s mission intrigued me, but it was the sound of anguish which drew me to ignore my assigned mission in heaven._

_Women and children suffer at the hands of conquering armies. Their prayers get more desperate as war progresses and do not ease after the fighting is over. It was their devastation that reached me in heaven, and I had no choice but to come. I alighted on a shell of a village, pillaged and burned in the aftermath of Herod’s death. It was one of many plagued with violent riots. What I found profoundly changed my concept of the angels’ responsibility to my father’s most treasured creation. The actions I took then continued to influence me over the centuries. Once I chose to protect those women, my personal mission was set. Despite the constant retraining, I found myself returning to this mission. Often not realizing I had done it before. Later, I learned to take precautions because I could not fail those I swore to protect._

_My status in heaven made this process difficult, but there were a few angels I entrusted with my secret. Samandriel first among them._

 

Castiel closed his eyes in abject pain at the memory of his friend. He relived the moment of the angel’s death in vivid detail. He fought a wave of nausea and held in his tears. He needed to finish the story before exhaustion consumed him again. He was grateful for the silence his friends afforded him during this moment of grief. Opening his eyes, he took a deep breath and continued his story.

 

_At Samandriel’s suggestion I told Hester my secret. I did not know until much later that Gabriel had learned of my activities. Gabriel only showed his hand after World War II . He did not know the extent of my role in the war, but he did know about my mission. He knew how far I had gone to protect the women and children in my charge, but he wanted no part in it. The war changed that to a degree. The war also changed me in many ways. We in heaven saw the impending danger of men like Hitler and Mussolini, but our instructions were to watch. I could not remain aloof. I could not stand by in heaven and watch humanity destroy itself, so I came to earth once again. I found a few members of the Men of Letters who understood the danger to come. We began to recruit and train. So, that is how I found myself in the spy game. Samandriel took charge of my other mission during that time, while Hester joined me in the fight. She aided the resistance movements, so I could focus on protecting people inside those insidious regimes. After the war, our mission was far from over. The pain and anguish continued. The prayers overwhelmed those of us who refused to turn away. Even Gabriel could not avoid them. It was at that moment my brother came to me. We rescued many and delivered them to safety._

_I lost many of my memories over the years, but Hester and Samandriel made sure I did not lose my memory of those events. Neither got the hero’s ending they deserved, but the legacy of their work lives on in the lives we saved and the community we cultivated._

“Wait Cas. Does this have something to do with the community Marta told us about?”

The angel tensed at the question but found himself smiling at the mention of his old friend and ally. He stared at Pamela unsure how to answer her. Several seconds passed and then he said, “Many connections can be found in this world.”

“Cryptic much,” mumbled Charlie at the same time Pamela huffed, “Handsome, that is not even close to an answer.”

Castiel’s body felt heavy and his head ached. He was not ready nor did he have the energy to tell that story, so he said, “It is the only answer I have to offer at this moment.” He did not wait for a reply of any kind before he turned to Dean and whispered, “I’m tired.” The hunter smiled at Cas and said, “Okay. I got ya.” As Dean went to address his brother and friends, he realized they already understood the situation. They quickly expressed their love and said, “Goodnight.” Gratitude shown in the angel’s eyes at each of their affirmations.  It remained even after the door closed. “Thank you, Dean.”

“What for?”

“For convincing me to see them. For being here.”

Without hesitation and with conviction, Dean declared, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. This is where I belong.”


	48. About the Bond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in end notes

The mood in the room was delicate due to the sincerity in Dean’s voice.  Both men were unsure of how to proceed after such a significant declaration.  Castiel knew how far out of his comfort zone Dean had put himself, and he did not want to say something to make him regret it.  He did not want to shine a spotlight on his friend’s vulnerability.  And Dean was a bundle of nerves.  It was the closest he’d ever come to telling Cas his true feelings.  After burying them for years and finally coming to terms with them, he worried now was not the time to take the next step and bare it all to Cas.  Dean did not want his feelings associated with the trauma the angel suffered.   Despite the promise he had made to himself to tell Cas as soon as they found him, Dean did not want to tell Cas when he was so vulnerable.  The angel needed time to heal and even if he couldn’t say the words yet, he could show Cas his love and devotion. 

Castiel interrupted Dean’s thoughts.  “We worked so hard to rebuild our bond and when they put that collar on my neck I was devastated.  There were moments I felt so weak and so depressed I wanted to give up.”

“Cas,” intoned Dean with naked anguish. 

“I know how that sounds to you after I’ve mentioned suicide in the past, but it wasn’t like that.  It was a fleeting thought because I witnessed first hand how hard it was for Sam, Charlie, and Pamela to see me after I harmed myself.  And I promised you Dean.  I refused to succumb because I will not leave you.  It is a vow I plan to keep as long as it is within my power.”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief, but his expression remained pinched.  “You know I let you down when you told me you might kill yourself.  I had no idea how to help you or even talk to you about it.  I have many regrets in my life, but that failure and the way I treated you after the accident are among the largest.”  As he spoke, Dean forced himself to maintain eye contact.  Hiding from Cas and their relationship was no longer an option.  It was worth the discomfort because he witnessed Castiel’s reaction.  The frustration, the understanding and ultimately the love.  The angel reached for him and Dean did not hesitate to respond.  The hug was soothing and beautiful in its simplicity.  Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck and the angel held him tenderly. 

“We are well beyond all that now, Dean.  It is time for forgiveness.  I forgave you.  And I am asking you to forgive yourself.  I am going to need your strength.  I do not want to face my recovery alone.  I know how weak that makes me sound, but I asked you for honesty so I must offer the same.”  The arms around him tightened before Dean leaned back and placed a kiss on his temple.

The hunter pulled his arms away.  He rested his palms against the angel’s cheeks.  “That is not weakness, Cas.  Being able to recognize how you feel and ask for what you need shows your strength.  And it is my turn to make you a promise.  I will not walk away again.  We are in this together.”  Castiel smiled shyly at Dean’s emphatic words and blushed under the intensity of his gaze.  Seeing his angel with that look almost made Dean blurt ‘I love you.’  He bit back those words and said, “I thought I lost you.  I have never felt more alone than I did when I couldn’t feel you anymore.  Being with you here helps, but the ache is still there.”

Placing his hands over Dean’s, Cas said, “It is still there, Dean.  If you seek it out you will feel it.  I know it is muted, but I assure you they did not destroy it.  As I grow stronger so will it.  I wish I could repair it this instant…”  His voice was strained and crestfallen.  On his next breath, his hands dropped away.

“Don’t do that, Cas.  This is not your fault, and it helps just knowing it’s still there.  I wondered about it actually.  I feel this hum deep inside, and there were moments I thought I felt you in the bunker like some force was leading me to you.  It makes sense that it was our bond.”  Dean lowered his hands and gripped the angel’s biceps.  Cas winced and shifted backwards.  “Aww, shit.  Did I hurt you or was that…?”  Cas closed his eyes and dipped his chin to his chest.  “Cas.  Please tell me.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It was a bit of both.”  The angel refused to look at Dean even when he tried to encourage it by dipping his head to Cas’ level.  Touching his chin did little better as Cas simply leaned into the touch without lifting his head.  “Dean, I have borne witness to the aftermath of the type of violation Malachi committed against me through many eras.  I thought I understood what the…”  He stopped then and raised his head. 

The pain evident in the angel’s eyes chiseled a gaping hole in Dean’s chest.  Struggling, but determined Dean said, “I have avoided naming things throughout my life.  I have buried events and feelings.  I hunted and drank and fucked to cope with it all.  But you know what, none of it made it better.  It was all still there.  Every time I stole or begged or stripped so I could feed Sam, I lied.  Not only to Sam but to myself.  Every time Dad hurt me, I told myself it was to make me a man.  Don’t do what I did.  Don’t bury it or alter it or pretend it away.”  As Dean spoke, Castiel expressed only interest and concern.  “You don’t seem surprised.”

Cas shrugged.  “It’s because I’m not.  I know how difficult your upbringing was and I know you would do anything to keep Sam safe.  Whatever the cost to yourself.  And believe me I have watched you hide your pain and punish yourself for years.  I have done much the same, and I don’t want to fall down that trap again.”  There was a moment’s hesitation and then Cas said, “I think I need to stand.  My body feels stiff and uncomfortable.”  Dean pushed his chair back and gave Cas the space to get off the bed.  As he paced, Castiel spoke in a hushed tone.  “I helped many victims of rape, and so I thought I understood what they went through.  I certainly never thought I would become one of them.  But here I am, and I have no idea how to feel or how to handle the crawling in my skin or the fear that washes over me at the merest touch.  I cannot pinpoint what touch or what sound will make me panic.  It is unsettling and confusing.”  His gait faltered, and he had to brace himself against the wall.

Out of his depth, but unwilling to quit, Dean tried to find a path forward.  He stared at Cas and quickly replayed the last minutes of their conversation.  “How about we try to focus on one of the issues you mentioned?  You said you don’t know what touches will make you panic.  The first time I went to hold your hand you pulled back, but since then we have held hands and I have touched your face and hugged you.  Did any of those cause an issue?”  Cas shook his head.  “Okay, so what touches did?” 

“When you grabbed my upper arms, it reminded me of being strapped to the table.” 

“And you shifted when I placed my hand on your ankles or brushed against your wrist.”

Castiel’s eyes went wide.  “I thought you did not notice those.  I thought I held my reaction in check enough so you wouldn’t notice.”

Shrugging Dean said, “I felt movement, a slight tension of your muscles.  In the past, you never reacted that way to my touch, so yeah, I guess it stood out.  Any reason you can think of why you reacted that way?”

Castiel had begun pacing again.  When he drew up next to the bed, he walked along its edge until he was in front of Dean.  He lowered himself to the bed and peered at Dean.  “I think it’s the same reason as the other.  My wrists were almost always shackled and my ankles were restrained at times.  There is some physical pain, but I don’t think that is why I flinch.”

Leaning back in his chair, Dean closed his eyes and focused on the image of a bound and shackled Castiel.  It pained him, but it was necessary.  “I know they collared and cuffed you but how often did they immobilize you?”

“During interrogations and experiments.”  Cas swallowed and then added, “Malachi strapped me to a replica of Naomi’s chair.”

The mention of Naomi always brought a certain uneasiness.  Cas had yet to share the full extent of Naomi’s control over him after purgatory.  He avoided any inquiries into that time because there was so much shame associated with it.  Not only did he kill Samandriel at her behest, but he almost beat Dean to death.  He lied and manipulated under her instruction.  He figured Dean still wondered about it, and the current look on his face confirmed that suspicion.  “There was a room in heaven.  I mentioned it before, but never really told you about it in detail.  Naomi retooled me in that room and Metatron stole my grace in that room.  And now Malachi tortured me in a replica of that room.”

For Dean, the memories of that time were a mixture of horror and relief.  Cas returned from the dead, yet part of the angel was missing.  Dean sensed it the minute Cas had shown up in the motel bathroom.  The most glaring moment was when Cas repeatedly punched him.  The affection he usually saw in the angel’s eyes was completely gone in the crypt that day.  “You know you never told me how you broke free of her control.”

This was one question Castiel had no problem answering anymore.  “It was you Dean.  You said you needed me and that broke the last thread of her control.  My feelings for you outweighed her indoctrination and training.”

“What exactly do you mean by training?”

Castiel balked at the memory.  He tried to push aside the images of Dean’s bloody dead body.  Thousands of them killed by his own hand.  It was something he never wanted to share with the hunter, but there was little point to hide anything from Dean anymore.  “She had me kill you until I could do it without hesitation.  Only then did she order me to do it for real.  I fought her as I beat you.  Told her I would not hurt you, even as I was doing just that.  But she underestimated our bond.”

“Yeah she did.  Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“It was my burden to bear.”

“I’m not sure I agree with that, but I'm glad you felt you could share it with me now.”  Dean stood up and stretched.  “So, Malachi knew about that room.  He knew how it would affect you.”  He rubbed his hand through his hair and seethed, “He is truly sadistic.” 

The sound of a whimper drew Dean out of his anger.  He dropped his gaze to see Cas twitching nervously.  In a shaky voice, Cas said, “There is something else.  He didn’t just use Naomi.  He…he…”  Cas tasted the salt of his tears as he bit his lip.  Releasing the abused flesh, he tried again.  “He used you.  He said your name as he…”  Whispered on a shallow exhale, the words were barely discernible, but for Dean it was as if they were ablaze with the sound of fury. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean talk about his imprisonment, the rape and Malachi.


	49. Nightmares and Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Several people's stories start to unfold in this chapter. Would love to read any comments!

Bracing himself for the inevitable explosion, Castiel watched Dean throw his head back and clench his fists.  Heavy footfalls followed as Dean flung himself across the room.  Cas saw the exact moment Dean stopped himself from punching the wall.  The man’s body went rigid, and his left hand grabbed his right arm aggressively.  It was as if his body was waging a war against itself.  After the harsh sounds Dean had made as he thundered across the room, it was now eerily silent.  There was little Castiel could do.  Dean needed to process what those words actually meant.  Eventually, they would have to discuss it, but for now Cas could wait.  Even though he had been living with Malachi’s words for a few days, he was still reeling from them.  He experienced shock and grief in that white room and in the immediate aftermath, so he recognized the signs in Dean. 

“Why would he do that?” Dean asked after tamping down his anger.

“He knew what it would do to me.  It shouldn’t surprise you anymore.  Practically from the beginning, everyone seemed to know how I felt about you.” 

Dean inhaled sharply.  “How you _felt_ about me?” he croaked sadly.

“Dean, I didn’t mean it like that.   Would you please come and sit down?  You're making me feel uncomfortable.”

The blood drained from the hunter’s face as he blanched.  “Fuck.  I am so out of my depth here.”  There was defeat in his voice, yet he made his way over and sat down on the far end of the bed.  “You aren’t alone in that,” mumbled Cas. 

Dean’s lips quirked up faintly.  “You know I was worried about discussing my feelings with you, and this just makes it even more complicated.  He tainted this.”  The hunter gestured between them.  “He used our bond against you and now where does that leave us.  How can you possibly not associate me and us with what happened?”

Castiel scoffed, “Because I won’t let it.  I may feel weak and pathetic, but I will not let him destroy something so pure and beautiful.”

“Is that really how you feel?  Even after everything that has happened this last year.  I feel like our bond has caused you nothing but pain lately.  Maybe it has since the start.  What was it…Oh, yeah.  _The very touch of you corrupts.  When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost_.”  Dean appeared broken by the recitation of those hurtful words. 

“Hester was hurt by my actions and by my abandonment and she lashed out at you.  None of it was your fault.  I made the choices.  If you recall, you tried to stop me and I didn’t listen.”

“Okay, I’ll grant you part of that, but our bond is what started it all.  Cas without your dedication to me…” 

"What Dean?" Cas snapped, "My life would be better.  How can you possibly think that?  I know it hasn’t been easy, but I would not trade what I have now.  I love being on earth, I love this life, and I love being part of our family.”  Castiel was shocked by Dean’s reaction.  He found himself holding Dean’s head in his lap as the hunter quietly sobbed.  Cas lowered his hands and carded his fingers through Dean’s hair.  Neither spoke.  They let their proximity and touch speak for them.  Dean’s breathing slowed and his body unwound.  As he stretched out his legs, he ended up lying next to Cas.  The angel took the opportunity to shift his body into a more comfortable position.  He slid down until his head was resting on the pillow.  There was a moment of apprehension when he felt Dean’s breath on his neck. 

His mind flew to the white room, and he heard Malachi’s voice whispering in his ear. He relived the revulsion he had felt at the brush of lips on his ear and the sound of heavy breathing.  Forcing his eyes open he looked at the space around him.  He was not back there.  He was not imprisoned.  He was not bound.  He was here in the hotel.  He was safe.  He was with Dean.  He stopped his shifting gaze and focused on concerned green eyes.  He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came.  Dean shifted back, placing a few inches between them.  Cas felt sad at the loss of contact, but he also experienced relief.  The sense of panic eased, and his heart rate slowed. 

“Are you okay or should I get up?”

“I’m okay.  I think this is all right.”

“Cas, you don’t need to push yourself anymore today.  You said you were tired when Sam was here, and we’ve been talking non-stop since then.  Maybe it’s time for sleep.”

The angel nodded as he said, “I am tired, but I don’t want to end this.  I don’t want you to go.  Maybe that is pushing too hard, but I am not sure it matters.  Because either way I will have a problem.  Without you I feel alone and anxious, and with you at times, I feel panic.  Which is better?  Can you answer that for me?”  Dean sadly shook his head.  “And I can’t answer it for myself.  All I know is that I missed you and thinking of you helped me survive so being separated from you seems foolish.”

“I can’t really argue with that.  I don’t want to be separated from you either, so how exactly are we doing this?”

 

It took some adjustment for them to find a comfortable way to sleep.  Dean changed into sleep pants before he approached Cas.  The angel was lying on his side, tucked under the covers, with his hands clasped in front of him.  Despite Cas’ need for contact, he also needed distance.  With this in mind, Dean slid under the covers, keeping several feet between them.  He waited then for Cas to decide the next move.  After several aborted attempts, Cas inched closer to Dean as he reached out his hand.  They fell asleep that way.  Hands entangled, eyed locked on each other.  Dean had watched as Cas’ eyelids drifted closed.  It was only then that the hunter had allowed his own eyes to close.  He awoke several hours later to the sound of whimpering.

Not wanting to startle Cas, he whispered, “Hey Cas.”  The angel did not stir, yet the whimper grew louder.  “Cas.  Please.  I need you to wake up.”  Their hands had separated during the night but remained close.  Dean closed the slight distance and touched Cas’ hand.  The angel’s fingers twitched at the touch but did not pull away.  Squeezing gently, Dean said, “Come on sunshine open your eyes for me.”  Castiel’s whimpers faded as his eyes fluttered open.  There was fear in his eyes, but it faded quickly when he recognized Dean.  “Bad dream?”

Voice brittle and rough, Cas muttered, “I do not like dreaming.” 

“I don’t blame you.  Nightmares suck ass.”

“That they do.”  Cas shifted to his back and stared up at the ceiling.  “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t worry about it.  Do you think you could go back to sleep?”

Castiel shook his head.  “I would prefer not to.”

Dean rolled over and sat up.  He turned the light on as he said, “All right.  We need a distraction.  How about you tell me about Marta?”

A loud huff came from the other side of the bed.  “I should have known you would go there.  You’re like a dog with a bone.”

“Wow.  Throwing out idioms at two in the morning.  I’m impressed.”  Cas chuckled and Dean’s face lit up in a smile.  “You know you’ve come a long way from the angel who couldn’t get a single reference.”

Turning to face Dean, Cas said, “As I seem to recall, you enjoyed my lack of common knowledge.”

“Hmm…And I seem to recall you being annoyed with me.”

Cas smirked, “That is a regular occurrence.”

“Hey?”

“Yes, Dean.”  There was such affection in Cas’ voice when he used Dean’s name that it took the hunter’s breath away.  He sat frozen staring at his friend and wondering about the future.  He loved the angel and wanted nothing more than to see him happy.  These brief moments of laughter and joy gave him hope for the future, but the road ahead was fraught with adversity.  “Dean?”

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Dean attuned to the topic at hand.  “I’m adorable, not annoying.”

“You can be both,” said Cas matter-of-factly.  “You seem to achieve it quite easily.”

Gobsmacked, Dean’s mouth fell open and his cheeks flushed.  “I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.”  Cas shrugged.  “So, to add to my adorabliannoyingness.”

“That’s not a word Dean.”

The hunter rolled his eyes and continued, “How about you quit avoiding the subject and tell me about Marta?”

Cas exhaled sharply.  “Why is this so important to you?”

“Because you have this whole other life I don’t know about.  I feel like I missed out on so much of what made you who you are.”

Seeing the earnest expression in the hunter’s green eyes, Castiel finally acquiesced.  “Marta is an amazing woman and my friend.  She is the descendent of one of the women I rescued after the war.”  Shaking his head, Cas said, “No, that doesn’t do her justice.  Once Marta became an adult, she joined me in my efforts.  She left the safety of the island frequently in order to aid in my mission.”  The angel’s eyes closed and his head tipped back.  Memories flooded his mind.  Images of war-torn streets and broken bodies.  Images of brutality and abuse.  Images of reaching out and lifting up.  Images of women and children racing across the beach.  In the last set of images, he saw her.  Small and thin, running with her arms outstretched calling to him, “Papa, Papa.  You’re here.”  The thought of Marta as a young girl always brought joy to his heart.  Reconciling the tall statuesque woman with the eager little girl of the past caused his lips to quirk up. 

“Cas, want to share what is making you smile?”

“Oh, sorry.  I was just thinking about when Marta was a young girl.  She had boundless energy and displayed her emotions without reservation.  It was hard to resist her charms.  I don’t know of any others on the island who got away with as much as she did.  Thinking of her makes me smile.  The stoic woman you met is vastly different than the girl I first met.  But both have a beautiful soul and vast intelligence.”

Dean laid down and rolled onto his side.  He stared at Castiel for several seconds, enjoying the smile in the angel’s eyes.  “I don’t know her well obviously, but she is a formidable person.  There was not an ounce of hesitation when it came time to rescue you.  And the way she handled Meg, I’ve never seen anything like that.”

“Hmm…I wondered about that myself.  Although after all the years I have known Marta I should know better than to ever underestimate her.  The times when I was unable to assist, she took over.  She organized and trained her own team, and they continued rescuing people.”  Castiel felt himself sinking further down into the bed.  He pulled the blanket up around his shoulders, cocooning himself in the warmth.  After the cold, damp cell, the bed’s warmth was soothing.  “Dean, how did Marta know about my capture?”

“That would be Meg.  She disappeared, and then Gabriel followed her.  When they returned, Marta and the others were with them.” 

Eyes growing heavy, Castiel murmured, “How would Meg know about them?”  The thought tumbled in his mind.  “There is no reason for her to know unless…”  His voice trailed off before his eyes snapped wide open.  “No, no, that is not possible.  I would…I would...It can't be..."  As he spoke, his agitation grew and his body trembled. 

The sight of Cas’ quaking body began to worry Dean.  The hunter did not know what to do.  Normally, to calm Cas down, he would reach out and hold the angel’s shoulders.  Dean was hesitant to do that after Cas’ reaction to him grabbing his biceps.  Wavering, his hands ended up stranded between the two men.  Looking down at them, Dean winced.  He was so lost.  Every instinct was wrong or was it right?  He didn’t fucking know anymore.  Cas needed him that much he understood, but how much and for what exactly he did not understand.  He knew how to support Sammy.  He had done it all his life, and it was second nature to him.  But his relationship with Cas was unique, and it confounded him on the best of days.  Muddling through was often their go to with each other, but after this last year that approach was not an option.  With the revelation of Castiel’s feelings and Dean’s subsequent acceptance of his own, the two men owed each other more.  With that in mind, Dean took Castiel’s hand in his and whispered, “Cas, hey, what’s the matter?  Why are you shaking?”

Dean’s tender words reached through the angel’s panic and calmed his racing mind.  After his body stilled, he said, “I think I know who Meg is.”

 


	50. Marta, Meg and Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always found it interesting the show had Meg go by the name of her first vessel. It made me wonder who she was before. What was her backstory? Here is one take on it.

“Sammy, I’ve never seen him like this.  I mean I’ve seen him pissed and frustrated but never this agitated.”  Dean heard shuffling on the other end of the line.  “I’m sorry for waking you, but we have to do something.”

“Don’t be sorry.  What is he doing right now?”

Dean took a step toward the bathroom door.  He stared at it before saying, “I sent him to shower because he was mumbling and pacing.  I hoped it would help calm him down.”

“So, this started when you were talking about Marta.  Why were you having this discussion in the middle of the night?”

Tearing his eyes away from the door, Dean sighed.  “He had a nightmare, so I was trying to distract him.  After you guys left, we talked about a lot of shit.  I wasn’t surprised he didn’t sleep through the night.  I hoped telling the story would tire him out, and he’d be able to go back to sleep.  But that did not happen.”

Lowering himself to the bed, Dean waited for his brother to respond.  After several heartbeats, Sam said, “Dean, if he is as upset as you are describing, I don’t think a shower is going to fix it.”

“No shit Sherlock.  That’s why I’m calling you.”

Ignoring his brother’s rudeness, Sam continued, “If he needs answers, we need to help him get them.  It’s not going to happen this minute, but I can figure out how to get Marta here.”

“It’s not just about Marta.  It has something to do with who Meg really is.  He wouldn’t give me any information, and just kept saying he had to talk to Marta.  Do you know where she is?”

“She’s with Bobby.  They’re at an old factory looking after the people we rounded up.  Sometime tomorrow, Charlie and I are supposed to bring them the documentation so Gabriel can take them away.  I’m not sure what Marta’s plans are after that.”

The thought of Cas having to wait another day to see Marta bothered Dean.  The angel had enough on his mind.  He didn't need to be worried about Meg on top of all that.  “Sam, I don’t want to wait.  He needs to talk to Marta.  The sooner the better.  Besides, he is going to be busy with Darla tomorrow.”

The only sound Dean made out was Sam’s breathing until he heard his brother’s muffled voice.  Within the mumbling, he distinctly heard Charlie’s name.  When Sam finally returned to the phone call, he said, “The night owl couldn’t sleep, so she finished the documentation already.  We are going to run it over and bring Marta back.  Should I contact Gabriel and see if he can find Meg?”

Dean closed his eyes, contemplating his brother’s question.  Cas never mentioned speaking to Meg.  The only name he said was a constant repetition of Marta.  “No, I think he only wants Marta.”

“All right give us an hour or so.  I’ll text you when we are coming up.”

“Thanks Sam.”

 

Less than an hour later, Dean got the text.  During the wait, Cas’ agitation never settled down.  He paced and frowned and grumbled.  No matter how many times Dean tried to persuade him to sit, the angel refused.  The second Cas heard the ping of the incoming text, he walked to the door.  Dean shook his head at the futility.  “Cas, they just pulled into the parking lot.  Please come sit by me.”

Cas stared at the door as if daring it to open before he slumped forward.  Dejectedly, he turned and trudged over to the bed.  “What is taking so long?”

“What happened to the angel who could wait patiently for hours or days?”

The glare was instantaneous.  “He is long gone,” huffed a disgruntled Castiel.

“Cas, why is this bothering you so much?  Can you give me a hint about what this is all about?”  Castiel’s eyes softened, and Dean could clearly see the exhaustion in them.  He wanted to retract the question and just let Cas be until their guests arrive.

Sitting down next to Dean, Cas dropped his head into his hands.  “There is so much to tell and to figure out.  I am at a loss to understand it until I speak with Marta.  I would prefer to wait for her.”

“Okay, Cas.”  The knock on the door made the two men jump.  “No more waiting I guess.”  Dean stood up and walked to the door.  Charlie and Sam walked in first, followed closely by Pamela and Marta.  The second she caught sight of Castiel, Marta crossed the room to greet him.  She dropped to her knees in front of him and waited.  Cas spoke quietly to her before placing his hand on her shoulder.  She nodded in response and then rose. 

Turning to face the others, she said, “Why don’t we all take a seat?  It is time this story was told.”  Marta waited for the others to be seated.  Satisfied, she stated, “Castiel has given his permission, so let me begin with this.  The place where I come from was indeed created by Castiel over two thousand years ago.  He made it as a safe haven for women.  Women victimized by men.  Ones who found themselves pregnant after being brutalized.  Over the intervening years, he has continued to rescue women and bring them to the island.  I was born on the island and made it my permanent home.  Most stay.  Some come and go.  Very few stay away for long.  The beauty of the place is enough to entice most, but it is the acceptance and love that convinces them to return.” 

Marta paused and took a deep breath before continuing.  “About twenty years ago, I was put in charge.  As the leader, I was imparted with all the knowledge associated with our home and those who have lived there.  It became my responsibility to honor and protect our history.  Samandriel was the one who insisted upon this passage of knowledge.  He knew Castiel would forever be pulled back to heaven.  That he would be forced to stay away.  By giving this role to a human, the continuation of our community was assured even if we lost contact with our angelic supporters.  This is how I know Castiel’s story and by extension the story of everyone else who lived on the island.”  Marta paused and stared at the angel.  “And now it is time for him to hear what he is missing.  I believe you remember the beginning of this story, but I know you have lost some memories of the first women you saved.”  The story fell from her lips in the ways of old oral traditions, melodic and soulful.

 

_The small village was destroyed and the women were left destitute.  An angel, awe-inspiring and kind, came to their aid.  He helped them rebuild and then left for heaven.  When he returned to check on them, he discovered a pregnant woman on her knees being pelted with stones. On further inspection, he realized the man wielding the stones was her husband.  Anger flooded the angel and he unfurled his wings in a display of his strength.  Lightening rained down, and the man cowered before the angel.  Other men followed his lead and fell to their knees before the heavenly creature.  Seeing the acquiescence, the angel turned his attention to the woman.  He helped her stand and asked her to tell her story.  It was an age-old story.  Rebekkah was being punished for being raped and for becoming impregnated by her rapist.  As she told her story, the angel looked at the other women.  Several were pregnant.  It dawned on the angel that in order to protect these women he would need to take them away from these vengeful men.  It was at this moment the angel’s entire mission changed.  Rebekkah was the first to agree.  Others joined within seconds.  The angel was a brilliant military strategist and used those skills to develop a plan.  The community was born that day._

_Within a month, the island was established and protected.  Six women along with their children became the first inhabitants.  These children were the first to call the angel ‘Papa.’  The one’s born on the island never knew him as anything else.  Over the years, the angel brought more women and children.  The community thrived.  Five years after its establishment adversity struck.  An illness swept through the children.  The angel, called back to heaven, had been gone for over two years.  Despite their prayers, he did not come.  Rebekkah’s child died, and still he did not come.  She wallowed in grief, and the love she held in her heart for the angel began to wane.  There was little the others could do for her, and eventually Rebekkah left her home.  Bitterness and anger filled her.  Rumors reached them of her fall into revenge and retribution._

_The angel did not return for years and when he did much of his memory was lost.  The island remained a beacon for him, drawn by the souls he saved.  Generations passed and he returned sporadically.  Most often in times of war or great famine.  No one knew why he stayed away or why he did not remember it all, but in the end, it did not matter because he remained the angel of old.  The one who sheltered and loved those he swore to protect.  Rebekkah’s story fell into myth.  She became the woman who left the grace of an angel for the fires of hell.  The angel never knew the whole story and no one ever ventured to tell him.  He lived on and on always knowing he was missing part of his story.  It was that feeling which drove him to share the island with other angels.  Fear of forgetting entirely, fear of losing the beacon and not being able to find his way back to the souls of his charges.  He lost Rebekkah, and it created a hole in him and the community, but never in his long history did he lose the island or his mission._

_The knowledge of Rebekkah’s true story was only given to the leader of the community.  It was delivered as a cautionary tale of the risks of failure.  Providing shelter was not enough.  Helping women recover and to heal was equally if not more important.  The angel provided the basis for the community and was therefore its founding father, but it was the humans who fostered it through the centuries._

There was dead silence as Marta’s lilting voice faded away.  She captivated her audience not only due to the subject but also in the mesmerizing quality of her voice.  She appeared to come back to herself and the spell was broken.  The sound of shifting bodies was the first inclination of the change.  Followed quickly by sharp inhales.  It was Dean who broke the final barrier.  “So, I take it Rebekkah is Meg.”

“It was as I thought,” whispered Castiel.  “Thank you for telling me Marta.”

“You are most welcome Castiel.  I never agreed with keeping the truth from you, but it was the role I was given.”  The angel nodded, accepting the truth of her words without hesitation.

“Marta, how did you know Meg was Rebekkah if she was gone long before your time?”

The stoic visage Marta presented cracked slightly at the question.  She hesitated before answering Sam’s question.  “Even though Rebekkah’s story had become legend, there was enough truth in it to make connections.  When Castiel visited, he told the children stories.  Stories often based on his life and his adventures.  The last time he mentioned demons in his tale.  One in particular stood out.  I began to suspect it was Rebekkah, but it was not until she came that I knew.  No one knows of the island or Castiel’s role except its residents, current and former.  Her knowledge of the place, and her abject fear for him solidified my speculation.  It did not take but two questions for her to confirm her identity.”

Shaking his head, Cas said, “I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me.  All those times we were together.  Why keep it a secret?”

“That you will have to ask her.  I can only offer this.  She is more fragile than she presents, and no matter the years and the distance you stand at the forefront of her mind.”

A perplexed expression crossed the angel’s face as he lost himself in contemplation.  He turned at the sound of Dean’s voice.  “Cas.  We always wondered why she helped you.  I mean I joked earlier about the kiss being the reason.  So, it’s not like we didn’t notice you were special to her.” 

“But why didn’t she tell me?” 

Dean chuckled, “She may be more like us than we thought.”

At the angel’s incredulous look, Charlie stepped into the conversation.  “The three of you are poster boys for keeping things from each other.  I mean, come on, how many times has one of you kept the others in the dark.  And you do it for all kinds of reasons.”

Pamela was openly laughing at this point.  “Oh man, Red, you got that dead on.  I placed quite a few bets.”

“You bet on us keeping secrets.  When the hell did this happen?” asked Dean.

“In heaven.  Ash runs the whole thing.  You guys just happen to be the most entertaining people to bet on.” 

“Well that is disturbing,” interjected Sam, “but not really surprising, nor are Charlie’s comments. I can understand Meg’s reluctance to tell you Cas.  It’s hard to face your failures.”

Castiel groaned in frustration.  “I am the one who failed.”  Marta swept across the room and knelt in front of the angel once again.  “Castiel, every failing is not on you.  Rebekkah made her choice.  I know you want to take on this burden as you do so many others, but this was not your responsibility.  You gave her a home and a family, after that it was her life to live.  I have asked her to come home when we return, but she believes she does not have the right.”

Many thoughts crossed the angel’s mind, but one forced its way to the forefront.  “We,” he looked at Dean with pleading eyes, “will just have to convince her.”

The hunter rolled his eyes as he smiled.  “I guess we will.”  His answer earned him smiles from everyone else in the room, but it was the angel’s smile that held his gaze. 

“Um…we’re just gonna go now,” mumbled Charlie as she stood up with Pamela in tow.  Sam and Marta followed them to the door.  With a quick goodnight, the door closed behind Sam. 

Cas stared at the door.  “That was abrupt.” 

Dean laughed, “I think we scared them off.” 

“How so?”

“We were doing the whole staring thing again.”

The angel’s cheeks turned pink and his lips quirked up.  “I suppose we were.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stoning was a punishment often used against women accused of adultery or other perceived "sexual crimes." Rape victims were charged as adulterers or charged for enticing men, while the rapists saw no punishment. Even in the 21st century in parts of the world, rape victims are still accused of adultery or other sex crimes. Some are sent to jail, others are forced to marry the rapist, and some are sentenced to stoning.


	51. Need vs. Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darla reappears in this chapter and the therapy begins. This one is a bit longer than usual.

The light shining in the window woke Cas from a fitful sleep.  The warmth on his face felt good after so many nights spent in the damp cell.  He dragged his heavy eyelids open and looked around the room.  He sensed Dean was no longer in the bed with him, and his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the hunter sitting at the corner desk.  Dean’s head was bent down studying his phone.  A frown marred his features and left Cas feeling unsettled.  He must have let a sound slip because suddenly Dean’s head whipped up.  Their eyes locked, and the frown vanished behind a tentative smile.  “I’d say good morning, but with how restless you’ve been the last hour and how late we were up, I doubt it’d be the truth.”

Cas huffed, “I’m glad to be awake, so in that regard it is a good morning.”  Cas shifted his eyes to the window.  “Plus it’s nice to see the sunshine.” 

Dean’s gaze never left Cas’ face as he said, “Yeah it is.”  When the angel turned back, he saw Dean staring at him.  The fond expression tugged at something deep inside, and he felt his grace respond.  It zinged with power, shimmering and pulsing as it sought its freedom.  Light emanated from his eyes, yet he did not warn Dean.  He did not need to, for this power was connected to the hunter.  His grace was linked with Dean’s soul.  It was a feeling they had just begun to accept and understand before Cas was taken.  Despite the familiarity, a new mix of energy emerged inside the angel.  There was another power source.  His soul, once a weak tortured part of the angel, was now infused with strength.  It pushed and pulled, ebbed and flowed.  Castiel let it be free as he let his grace be free.  The combination was heady, and he felt intense heat permeate his body.  He wanted to reach for Dean then, but his body and mind tugged him back.  His grace and soul may not be tainted by what Malachi did, but his body and mind clearly were. 

While the silent war waged in the disparate parts of Castiel, Dean had crossed the room.  He sat on the bed near the angel’s waist.  “Cas, I don’t know what to do here.  I can feel you reaching for me, pulling at me inside, but there is also this feeling of wrongness coming from you.  What do you want me to do?”

The light faded from Cas’ eyes, and he saw the man sitting before him.  Soul and grace forgotten for a second, he remembered the first time he saw Dean.  The man, not the soul.  He was impressed by Dean’s brashness, enamored by him in many ways, and saddened by his lack of self-worth.  So much of what he learned of Dean that day was evident in his eyes.  Those eyes were now trained on him, filled with a jumble of emotions.  Flashes of sadness, confusion, affection, concern, desire, fear.  It was the last one that shook Castiel from his trance.  He did not like seeing fear in those vibrant green eyes.  A small part of him was angry at the sight.  He needed Dean to be strong right now.  He needed him.  “No, you don’t,” he hissed at himself.  The ire in his voice made Dean flinch.  Castiel deflated as his anger bled away.  “That was not directed at you, Dean.  I was talking to myself.”

“Okay,” said Dean.  The word came out shaky and unconvincing.

“That is the truth.  I am frustrated with myself.  I thought after last night I was doing better, but…”  His voice trailed off as he rolled onto his back. 

“Last night was a distraction.  I know it was important, but it was also a distraction.  Not just for you but for us all.  We forgot for a few hours about the last six weeks.  I’m an expert at avoidance, but we can’t do that.”

Lifting his head off the pillow, Cas declared, “And what if that’s what I want to do.”

“Cas?” sighed Dean.

“No, you promised to do what I wanted.  What if I want to avoid it, ignore it, forget it?”  His voice grew more forceful at each declaration until Cas was practically seething.

An overpowering sense of loss filled Dean.  He couldn’t give into that notion because if he did, he would fail.  He would run as he did after the accident.  Losing Cas was one of his greatest fears and unlike with Sam whom he pulled closer, Dean pushed the angel away when he was afraid.  Not this time.  This time he would ignore his instincts.  “Cas even if that is what you want, it won’t work.  Believe me I’ve tried.”  The angel hummed and Dean interpreted that as his agreement.  “I was thinking this morning about everything we talked about yesterday and last night.  And umm…I have an idea.  I’m not sure if it’s a good one, but it would solve a few issues.” 

Dean shifted nervously and then blurted, “I think we should go to the island.”  Castiel sat up and glared at the hunter.  “And before you argue hear me out.”  Cas inclined his head so Dean continued, “We need a safe place to go.  You need a peaceful place to recover.  You want Meg to return there so if we go…”  Dean trailed off hoping Cas would comprehend his intimation. 

“You think if we go, she would come with us.”

“No, Cas I think if you are going, she will want to go with YOU.  Meg wants a chance to fix things.  It’s what she’s been doing, in her own roundabout way.  Besides, from everything you and Marta have said, the people on the island will understand your ordeal.  I mean they are the descendants of rape survivors.”

“They are not all descendants.  Some are survivors.”

“Wait.  You brought more victims to the island after World War II.”

The angel smiled shyly, “Yes, but I was actually speaking of those like Marta's mother.  I rescued her after the war.  The Soviet Army raped its way across Germany, and Marta’s mother was one of the many to become pregnant.”

“Are you trying to tell me…She can’t…There is no way Marta is that old.”  Dean’s face was frozen in shock as he fumbled over his words.

“I assure you she is.  She may not look like a woman in her seventies, but she is.” 

Dean mumbled, "She barely looks fifty." Then he exhaled sharply as he squinted at Cas.  “Okay, I am going to want an explanation for that later, but right now I want to know what you think about my suggestion?”

There was merit in Dean’s idea.  The island was a paradise and the people were kind.  He would find support there.  A kind he might not find anywhere else.  But he would not have his family.  He just got his family back and the thought of leaving them made his heart ache.  After these thoughts turned over in his head several times, he was no closer to an answer.  Dean interrupted his rambling mind by saying, “Maybe you should talk this over with Darla.  She’s here by the way and would like to see you after breakfast.”

 

A window seat drew his eye as soon as Cas entered the room.  It was covered in pale yellow pillows.  Near the window sat two huge overstuffed chairs.  Darla stood in between them and waited.  She let the angel take in the entire space and waited for him to choose a seat.  Once he was seated, she joined him.  They did not speak as they each adjusted the pillows to make themselves more comfortable.  Dean hovered in the doorway unsure of his place.  Before he could ask, Darla addressed him, “Dean, I would like to speak with Castiel privately.  If at some point he wants you to join or finds he needs you, I will come find you in the waiting room.”

Hesitant, Dean waited until Cas nodded at him.  “All right.  I’ll just be out here then.”  He closed the door gently as he exited.  Silence enveloped the room.  It was a comfortable silence.  One the angel experienced many times in Darla’s presence.  As usual, she waited for him to make eye contact.  “It is good to see you Castiel.”

“You did not have to come this far.”

She chuckled, “Of course I did.  I was worried about you, and from what I have heard and what I see, I had every right to be.”  The angel dropped his gaze and curled up.  “Which part of that sentence bothered you?”

Cas shook his head.  “I’m fine.”

“That is not what I asked.”

“I know.”  Steeling himself, he inhaled deeply before raising his eyes to meet Darla’s once again.  “I do not like how I look, and I feel ridiculous for worrying about vanity after…”  His eyes clouded with pain as he said, “He took from me.  Something I was not sure I would ever give to someone.  And I was too weak to stop it.  I endured torture and starvation, but I gave in to his touch.  How can I ever recover from that?”

“Castiel, I think we got ahead of ourselves a bit.  I do not know any details of your captivity other than what I can visually see at this moment.  So, before we can discuss recovery, we need to talk about the events that led you here.”

Not one single part of the angel wanted to rehash the events of the last six weeks.  He did not want to envision it in any way.  But wanting was different from needing, and in this regard, he needed to do what he least wanted to do.  In a quiet monotone voice, he recounted each agonizing event of his captivity.  Darla sat patiently, absorbing his words, not once interrupting the recitation.  When he reached the harrowing last days, he could no longer maintain the flat tone.  Emotion laced his words.  His voice cracked and shook.  Layered with tension and fear, it became brittle, and ultimately it devolved into sorrow.  “Malachi used his hand on me and I had an orga…or…orgasm.”

“It does not change what he did to you.  It was rape.”  She paused then assessing the angel before asking, “Did you find pleasure in it?”

The question felt like a slap to his face.  He reeled back so harshly his head smacked the window.  He felt nauseous and itchy.  Biting down the bile, he said, “No.  I felt ill and disgusted.”

Gesturing at his head, Darla sympathetically said, “I did not ask the question to hurt you.  I just wanted you to see for yourself that an orgasm means nothing in this situation.  It was forced on you, the same way the torture and sodomy were forced on you.  It is just another component of the rape.  Another form of violation.”  Seeing his skepticism, she continued, “I don’t expect you to believe me right away, but I know you will get there.  You will recover.  The fact that you shared this with me is the first step.”

Castiel lifted his chin and closed his eyes.  He let the heat of the sun warm his face and soothe his aching chest.  He allowed Darla’s words to waft over him.  He felt the truthfulness in her assessment as he had in Dean’s, but an overarching sense of apprehension still filled him.  For some unknown reason, thoughts of Dean were at the center of the apprehension.  “Darla, there is something else.  I am so very confused.  The only touch I seem capable of not flinching from is Dean’s and yet he is the source of…Fuck.”  The angel dropped his head into his hands.  “I hate this feeling.  We had come so far before I was taken.  I know we had not solved all our issues, but Dean and I were moving forward.  Rebuilding our friendship with an eye toward more in the future.  I wasn’t fearful of that.  I was hopeful, and now I am terrified.”

“I get the feeling you know what you fear.” 

Pulling his hands from his face, he stated, “I do.  I can accept his touch to a degree, but at times I feel my skin crawl.  My first instinct is to shy away from his hands which hurts him.  Dean is a man who needs touch.  He would never admit it in those terms, but nonetheless it is true.  And as his track record shows, he also craves sex.  How will we ever be able to move beyond friendship if I can’t…?”  He stared at Darla with pleading eyes, begging for her to understand.

“Be intimate?  Have sex?”  Cas nodded.  “I understand your worry, but I am bothered by your focus.  So much of what you just said dealt with what Dean needs and wants.  What is it you want for yourself Castiel?  Leave Dean out of the equation.”

“But he is the reason I am thinking about this.”

“Humor me.  Think back to those exercises I had you do.  What did you enjoy?  What did you discover about your sexual desires?  What do you want?  What would you miss if you continued to question touch?”

Thinking back, Cas realized there were many forms of touch he craved.  Having been almost immune to it as an angel, he had found himself wanting physical connection.  He loved hugs and holding hands.  He remembered the first time he felt a small hand slide into his much larger hand.  He recalled the first time he felt small arms hug his waist and the feel of the child’s head resting on his stomach.  He had no idea how to respond back then and kept his arms resolutely at his sides.  The children often overwhelmed him when he visited the island.  Eventually he learned to loosen up and pat their head’s or gently squeeze their hands.  Each new experience made him appreciate humanity more.  When Rebekkah hugged him for the first time, there was a sense of pride at her trust in him. 

Even after those experiences, he never initiated physical contact, but he also never shied from it.   And now it gave him joy to hug his family and friends, and he often initiated it.  He felt content when he clasped their hands.  All of the innocuous touches in any given day also brought their own form of comfort.  A squeeze of his shoulder, the brush of a hand on his back, a kiss on the cheek, a head resting on his chest.  It was Dean who ultimately changed the way he viewed touch.  The give and take of it.  The hunter put his arm around Cas’ shoulders or laid his hand on the small of his back.  He hugged tightly and held Castiel’s face.  Despite his unconscious need to stand in Dean’s personal space, he let Dean be the one to cross the boundary between them.  The comfort it gave him made him want to reach out to Dean.  It made him want to comfort Dean with his touch, and so eventually he did.  All their contact held a level of intimacy he did not feel with others.  He desired that touch.  Which brought him to Darla’s question?  What did he want?  The simple answer was all of it, so that is what he said.

Darla smiled appraisingly at him.  “That is good to hear.  You said Dean needed touch, but the reality is we all do.  And touch does not need to be sexual to fulfill a huge part of that need.  We have discussed this before.  Even if Dean did not see it, you and he were intimate in many ways.  I have a feeling you are not the only one who missed it while you were separated.  That is what you should focus on not the sexual aspects.  That can come later.  It would be beneficial for you to talk this out with Dean.  He should hear your misgivings and your hopes.”

“Would you be there with me?”

“If that is what you want,” responded Darla kindly.  Castiel nodded.  “How about you go and spend some time relaxing and visiting with everyone, and then we can have Dean join us after lunch?” 

The angel smiled, “Okay.”


	52. Food and Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was glad this chapter only needed to be edited tonight because I couldn't find the words to write anything after hearing the show is ending next year.

“I know Darla suggested I visit with everyone, but why do we need to go out?”

Observing the angel, Dean saw and felt his nerves.  It was an odd sensation, and it sent a shiver down his spine.  Ignoring it to focus on the matter at hand, he said, “We left the hotel to meet Darla in her colleague’s office.  Why is this any different?  Besides Garth, Jody, and Alex will be leaving this afternoon and they would like to see you before they go.  And Claire won’t stop texting me, so if you can’t do it for them, you could do it to get Blondie off my ass.”

Dean watched as Cas’ eyebrows pinched and his lips turned down.  The angel looked pained, and he sounded it when he said, “That makes me sound terrible.”

 Shaking his head in confusion, Dean asked, “How so?”

“If I refused to see my friends, people who helped rescue me, but then agreed to see Claire to get her off your backside, I think that would make me a terrible friend.”  Dean ducked his head and hmm’d.  Castiel pondered Dean’s reaction and then declared, “You did that on purpose.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do.  And by the way you did not need to.  I want to thank Jody, Alex, and Garth before they leave.  I am not saying I am looking forward to this, but I would feel worse if I didn’t thank them.”

Smiling at Cas, Dean pulled out his phone.  “All right then.  I’ll just let them know.”

 

Upon entering the restaurant, Dean and Cas were escorted to a back room.  It was secluded from the rest of the place by a set of French doors.  Dean watched as Castiel tentatively entered the room.  It was anathema to how the angel usually marched into any space.  Even in the most dire situations, Cas commanded attention and exuded confidence.  And now entering a room full of friends and family, he seemed almost meek.  It saddened the hunter, but in the next breath he brushed that emotion aside. Maybe it was time for Cas to be cautious.  Time for the angel to realize his own self-worth and not throw himself into every dangerous situation.  The meekness was a concern, but Dean believed in Cas’ ability to overcome, to grow, and to heal.  The angel would find his inner strength again, and Dean would do everything and anything to aid in the process. 

As this thought drifted through his mind, Dean saw the angel’s demeanor shift dramatically.  When the doors closed behind them, the sounds of the rest of the restaurant faded away, and Castiel relaxed as he smiled.  Seated around several circular tables were his rescuers.  Jody and the girls.  Garth and Bobby.  Pamela, Charlie and Sam.  Marta and her team.  Even Crowley.  There were two noticeable absences.  Gabriel and Meg were not in attendance.

Marta approached, “I tried to convince Meg to come, but she is off preparing a place for you.”

Reaching out, Cas touched Marta’s arm.  “I understand.”  He paused as he took another glance around the room.  “And Gabriel?”

“He wanted to be here, but he wasn’t sure you were ready to see him.”  Her eyes held the question she did not voice. 

“When you see him, will you tell him it will be soon?  I know I am being unfair to him, but I just…” Cas sighed heavily, “...can’t.”  Marta nodded and stepped back.  Cas took the invitation and slowly made his way across the room.  No one approached him directly.  Instead, Pamela waved him over to her table.  He sat down next to her, and Dean took the seat next to him. 

Over the next hour and a half, it was a game of musical chairs.  Slowly but surely everyone in the room made their way over to speak with him privately.  Pamela would conveniently disappear from her seat, allowing the new guest to sit beside him.  Jody was the first to come.  Their conversation was brief, but Castiel left it with a sense of acceptance.  She had offered her home as a respite for him, now or in the future.  Alex came next and reiterated that point.  She also spent time talking about his health.  Her ability to be clinical eased his nerves.  When she vacated the seat, Garth plopped down with his usual joviality.  Cas did not have the time to feel self-conscious as the werewolf talked in a steady stream. 

After Garth, no one came over.  Dean nudged his arm.  He looked to where he gestured and witnessed the non-verbal conversation between Claire and Marta.  The tall woman eventually tipped her head and then addressed the others at her table.  One by one they came to pay their respects to Castiel.  The young dark-eyed woman was the last of their group to sit down.  “Hello Papa.”

“Hello Shadiya.”

Tears filled her eyes as she stared at Castiel.  It took several deep breaths before she was able to speak again.  “Will you come home with us now?  I was a small girl the last time you were there.”

“I remember.  As always, it was not by choice that I stayed away.”

Shadiya wiped the tears off her face and smiled at the angel.  “Oh, don’t worry, Marta would never allow us to think anything else.  But that doesn’t change the fact that we miss you.  And now more than ever I think you need to be there.  For you as much as for us.”

Dean leaned forward so he had a better view of the young woman.  “Why do you say that?”

“Because the island is peace and love and safety and Papa deserves that more than anyone in creation.”

Her earnest expression matched her impassioned speech, and Dean found himself agreeing with her wholeheartedly.  “Yes, he does.”

“Dean,” admonished Cas.

“What, Cas?  It’s true.  You deserve peace.”

The angel shook his head, but Dean glimpsed the slight blush and hint of a smile.  Shadiya grinned as she watched the two interact.  “Dean, I see now why you fought so hard to find him.  You are welcome to come with him.”  Shadiya stood up, and in parting said, “Think about it.”  She eyed both Castiel and Dean as she spoke, but it was Cas who said, “I will.”

Cas was turning to face Dean when another person took the seat next to him.  This time there was no hesitation by his new guest, and the angel found himself engulfed in a tight hug.  There wasn’t a moment of fear or even the slightest flinch as instinct took over.  His arms encircled the young woman and he soothed her.  “It’s okay, Claire.  I’m okay.”

“I am so tired of seeing you beaten and broken.  Why?”  Her embrace loosened marginally as she exhaled sharply.  “Why you?”

“I can’t answer that Claire.  It seems to be a basic part of my existence.”

Claire pulled back to look at the angel.  She smacked his arm lightly and huffed, “Well that answer sucks ass.”

Despite his pain, his exhaustion, and his distress, Castiel found himself smiling at the young woman.  A smile filled with genuine happiness.  “I think it was once you who told me I could learn to ‘sugar coat shit once in a while.’  I think maybe I still need a few lessons in that regard.”

She leaned in to hug Cas again and smiled as she whispered, “Yeah jackass you do.” 

“I love you, Claire.  Thank you for fighting for me.”

Blushing and mumbling, Claire said, “Yeah, yeah. Same you know.”  Leaning back abruptly she changed the subject.  “I found a case nearby and I was thinking of going, but I don’t know if I should.”

Having stayed silent for the entire exchange, Dean decided to interject.  “Claire, we are all going to be moving on from here soon.  There isn’t much to be done anymore.  If you found a case and you feel up to it, you should go.”

Claire nodded at Dean before turning her gaze back on Castiel.  The angel gently touched her cheek.  “You should go.  We all need to start living our lives again.  Dean or I will let you know of our plans.”

Blue eyes filled with tears and a childlike voice said, “Please stay safe this time.”  Claire swiped her tears away aggressively as she went to stand.  Her cocky, bravado returned, and it reminded Cas so much of Dean that he could not help but chuckle when she said, “Old man you’d better take care of him.”

“Okay Blondie.”

 

After Claire left, Cas took in the room around him.  Most of the tables were now empty.  Besides those seated at his table, only Bobby and Crowley remained.  The two appeared to be in an animated discussion.  Watching the old hunter, Cas began to wonder what would happen now.  Bobby had come from heaven to help bring Dean home, and he had done just that.  With his goal met, he deserved to go back, but the idea saddened Cas.  Bobby was a father figure to Dean and Sam, and to him as well.  He would miss the man’s gruff advice, but he knew Dean would be devastated to say good-bye to Bobby.  As if sensing Cas’ thoughts, Dean reached over and took his hand.  “It’ll be all right, Cas.  He doesn’t belong here anymore.”

“But he does.”

“Sure, he walked back in and it was awesome to have him here, but Cas he gave enough.  He told me about heaven.  The heaven he has now.  That is where he deserves to be.  That is where he belongs now.”  Dean sounded assured as he spoke, and then emphatic as he added, “Besides, him spending time with Crowley creeps me out.”

At Dean’s look of disgust, Castiel chuckled.  “It does look odd.  Although they did kiss that one time.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me of that.”  The angel patted his arm as if to console him.  “How are you doing?  You must be tired.”

Castiel’s hand came to rest on Dean’s forearm.  “I am tired, but it’s a good tired.”  Movement to his left caught his eye.  Sam and Charlie were both pushing their chairs back.  “Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, we have a few loose ends to finish up before we can blow this town.  Hopefully by then, Meg will have everything set for us to move,” said Charlie in a rush as she stood up.  “Sam, let’s go round up the two old coots.”  Cas watched as they sauntered over to Bobby and Crowley.  Within seconds, they were gone.  The room was eerily silent after so much activity.  It made Castiel uncomfortable, and he began to fidget in his chair. 

“Hey, handsome.  Are you ready to go?” asked Pamela softly.

“Yes, I would like that.”  He pushed his chair back and got to his feet shakily.  Dean gripped his elbow to help steady him.  Cas turned to him and smiled shyly.  “Thank you.  I think I need to rest before we go see Darla.”

As Dean helped him take his first few steps, he said, “Sounds like a plan.”  Pamela and Dean flanked him as they made their way to the Impala.  The ride to the hotel was quiet, but it did not feel heavy or uncomfortable.  There was peace being inside the four doors of Dean’s beloved car.  It was its own version of a home and Cas was glad he was welcome in it.  He was almost sad when he spotted their hotel in the distance.  He dropped his head and stared at his hands. 

“Cas, what’s the matter?”

“I’m fine Pamela.”  His voice was strained and failed miserably at convincing the psychic of the veracity of his statement. 

The loud scoff from the backseat confirmed that fact.  “Try again.”

He didn’t say anything in response, and he felt Dean’s eyes scrutinizing him.  Unable to resist, he lifted his head to see the visual confirmation.  Green eyes were trained on his face.  “Please tell us.”

Heaving a sigh, Castiel said, “I don’t want to go back to the hotel.  I want to go home, or we could just stay in the car.”

“As much as I like hearing you talk nice about Baby, staying in the car is not an option.  You are still in pain and recovering.  You need to sleep in a real bed.”

Defeat was evident in Cas’ weak, breathy voice, when he said, “I know.”  

Dean turned into the hotel’s parking lot.  “I promise we won’t be here much longer.”  He parked the car and turned to face Cas.  Eyes still on Dean, the angel nodded as he reached for the door handle.  Dean nodded and said, “All right then.  Let me get you in bed.”  Realizing what he said, Dean’s breath caught, and he felt heat rise up his neck.  Castiel smiled at the hunter, “That’s a good look on you.”  Dean laughed even as his blush darkened. 

“I agree with you, Cas.  That is a good look.” smirked Pamela.

Rolling his eyes, Dean opened his door.  “Enough out of you two.”  He heard their laughter as he stepped out of the car.  It was good to hear Castiel laugh even if it was at his expense. 


	53. Dean and Cas and Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than the others. Sorry it took longer to post. I was on vacation and hate posting from my phone. Hope you enjoy!

Darla, after a small debate, convinced Castiel to once again venture out of the hotel.  It was late afternoon by the time Cas had woken from his nap.  The sun was waning, and there was a bite in the wind.  Seeing Cas scrunching his head down into his coat, Dean stepped in front of him to turn up the collar and button it the rest of the way.  A small smile greeted the gesture, and Dean was pleased to see it.  He returned the smile when the angel did not flinch as Dean’s fingers grazed his neck.  “That’s progress.”

Cas’ smile fell away and confusion filled his eyes.  “What?”

“I touched your neck and you didn’t react.”

Cas’ smile returned and lit up his eyes.  “I’m glad.”

“Me, too.”  Dean held out his hand, palm up.  Cas hesitated for only a fraction of a second before he took the proffered hand.  “Ready?”  Cas tipped his head in response.  They walked the short distance to the car, approaching the passenger side.  Dean opened the door for Cas. 

Once the hunter sat down in the driver’s seat Castiel said, “You know you don’t have to do that.”

“Of course, I don’t have to, but I want to.  I wasn’t there last time you needed me, and I will never let that happen again.  Anything I can do to make things easier for you, I plan on doing.  So, get used to it.”

“So, you are doing this because you feel guilty about leaving after the accident.”

Dean snorted.  “Leave it to you to be blunt.  No Cas, I am not doing this out of guilt.  Although I do still feel guilt over what happened, this has nothing to do with that.  I am here, helping you, because I care about you.  You are not only my best friend.  You are my family.  Being without you these last six weeks was unbearable, and I don’t want to be separated from you.  Plain and simple.  My place is at your side as long as you want me there.”

“Dean,” said Castiel breathlessly.  His deep blue eyes were filled with reverence and an undercurrent of awe.  “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything Sunshine.  I just wanted you to know how I feel.  I promised to be honest with you before you were taken, and I am going to keep that promise.”  Dean started the car and backed out of the parking space.  Cas took Dean’s hand after they pulled onto the road.  He clung to it for the duration.  There was always a sense of nervousness for both of them about the act.  It was new and outside their norm, but as soon as their hands settled the nerves dissipated.  Dean breathed easier with the contact.  It assured him that Cas was safe and here with him.  For the angel, it brought comfort and safety.  During the contact, he healed more quickly.  He felt his body grow stronger and his soul shine brighter.  There was little doubt about what it meant.  Despite their goal of honesty, Cas guarded the meaning.  He was not ready, nor did he think Dean was, to face the implications.  They had come a long way, but they both needed time to recover from this latest crisis.  It would have to wait until things were more settled. 

With that final thought, Cas realized the drive was over.  Dean let go of his hand to put the car in park.  They exited the car and entered the same building from the morning.  Darla was standing in the waiting room to greet them.  As soon as the door closed, Castiel grew anxious.  This was a needed conversation, but it was one he was terrified to have.  He had no idea how the hunter would react to the topic.  He worried Dean would feel blindsided as Cas had avoided telling him the reason he needed to be present.  Darla gave him a reassuring smile as she took her seat.  The overstuffed chairs were now pushed tightly together.  Dean and Cas sat down in them across from Darla.

“Thank you for joining us Dean.”  The green-eyed hunter nodded.  “Castiel is struggling with a few issues and we both agreed he should discuss them with you.  Cas why don’t you begin?”

Anxiety filled his every pore, but he concentrated on Darla’s comforting gaze.  With a heavy sigh, he began.  “I am scared of the future.  I thought I knew where it might go before I was taken, but now I am afraid there is no way forward.”  Cas felt Dean’s eyes on him but could not find the strength to face him.  Darla tried to encourage him to continue with a smile and nod, but he felt the words lodge in his throat. 

Dean spoke quietly.  “Where did you think your future was going?”

Shaking visibly, Cas clenched his fists and pressed himself into the back of the chair.  It reduced the vibrations slightly.  While staring at his hands, he said, “I thought we…” Cas huffed exasperatedly at his inability to express himself.  Seconds passed and then he whispered, “I wanted to try.”

“Cas, I don’t understand.”

The angel lowered his head into his hands. “Why would you?  What I said was vague and hardly adequate.” 

Dean looked at Darla hoping she could provide some help.  Brushing her long hair over her shoulder, she slid forward on her chair and pursed her lips.  Nodding at Dean, she addressed Castiel.  “If you would give me your permission Castiel, I could explain to Dean what we discussed earlier today.”  The angel lifted his head and smiled wanly.  Darla smiled at him before turning to the hunter.  “Dean, Castiel is concerned about his ability to recover from the rape and about the future of your relationship.  Specifically, the physical aspects of it.”

“Stop.  He was just held captivated and tortured.  Why are we discussing our relationship?  I thought I was here to talk about what we need to do once we leave here.  Ya know, how I could help him?”

Darla raised her hand to stop Dean from continuing.  “I understand why you are questioning this.  I myself had some reservations about this topic, but after discussing the situation with Castiel I felt it was important to include you.  When this first came up, all he would talk about was how his current reservations would affect you.  However, after some thought, he reset his focus on what he wants moving forward.”  She looked at Castiel then.  “Perhaps, you would like to try again and explain what you are feeling to Dean.”

Immediately pulling his gaze away, Castiel stood and walked to the window seat.  He stared at the sheer curtains, biting his bottom lip nervously.  He ran his fingers along the material, relishing in the softness of the fabric.  “I wish I knew how to talk about this.  Every aspect of it seems difficult to me.  I know so little about a physical relationship.  At least in the way you engage in them, Dean.  And now I have had this experience which shattered part of me.” 

The entire time Cas spoke, Dean watched him intently.  He took in each intake of breath, each pause, each twitch and every painful sigh.  The angel finally turned to face him.  “I know how important touch is to you because I had grown to need it to.  All kinds of touch.  And now after what Malachi did, I am afraid of it.  What happens to us if I never get past that?”

The look of abject desperation on Castiel’s face shook Dean to his core.  “Cas, no.  This is not what you need to be focused on right now.  I am just so happy that I get to be with you.  That you let me hold your hand.  That I get to see those beautiful blue eyes staring at me.  I don’t need anything else.”

“You say that now, but what about in a year or five?”

“Honestly, Cas.  I don’t care as long as you are safe and are in my life.”  Cas’ expression did not change.  He still looked devastated.  “I mean it Cas.  What I want is for you to focus on getting better?  Darla help me out here,” implored Dean.

The psychic stood up and crossed the room to stand at Castiel’s side.  “Are you hearing his words or are you only hearing your own worries?”  The angel flicked his gaze away.  “Castiel, no projecting.  Dean is here and you need to listen to him.”  Sighing dramatically, Cas flopped down on the window bench and nodded half-heartedly.

“Yeah that was convincing,” mumbled Dean.  Castiel snapped his head up, making eye contact with the hunter.  “What?" said Dean. "Your agreement was lukewarm at best.”  Cas’ lips tipped up in the hint of a smile.  “That’s better.  Can I come sit by you?”  The angel grinned wider and nodded.  As Dean walked over to Cas, Darla shifted one of the chairs to face the window seat.  Dean sat on the bench next to Cas.  He glanced at Darla before addressing Castiel.  “We promised to be honest with each other, so I need you to believe what I said.  I only need you.”

“Dean,” groaned the angel.

“Why can’t you believe me?”

“Because I know how important…” Cas waved his arms around in exasperation. 

Darla chuckled lightly.  “I am not sure your hand gesture explains it very well.  Since the two of you seem to be avoiding the word let me fill it in for you.  Sex.  You are talking about a sexual relationship and whether it is feasible.  Now or in the future.  And what it means for you if it is or if it is not?”

Blushing fiercely, Dean’s hand automatically went to rub the back of his neck.  It was a nervous habit, so he had to force himself to stop.  He sputtered, “Uh, um, um…wow, you went there.”  He clenched his hands together and breathed deeply to calm himself.  “Sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now.  After what happened, I don’t even want to think about it.  All I can think about is getting Cas somewhere safe where he can heal.”  Dean hoped his words would help Castiel, but the anguish on the angel’s face disabused him of that instantly.  “Cas?” he questioned shakily.

The angel’s only response was to turn away. “Castiel, why did Dean’s words upset you?”

“He doesn’t want me anymore.  I don’t blame him.  I wouldn’t want me either because I am dirty and disgusting now.”

“Oh God.”  Dean fell to his knees and crawled over to Cas.  “That is not what I meant.  How could you possibly think that?  I thought we already talked about this, and you understood how I felt.  You are not dirty.  You are the purest thing in my life, and I love you, Cas.”  Dropping his head onto Castiel’s knees, he said, “Fuck, I didn’t want to tell you like this.  You deserve so much better.”  Hands carded through Dean's hair and then caressed the back of his neck. 

“Do you mean that?” whispered Cas.

“Yes.  I love you.  I have for a long time.  And that won’t change in a year or five or ten, no matter what happens.”

Cas moved his hands to cup Dean’s jaw.  He gently lifted, drawing Dean’s head up until their eyes connected.  “I love you, too.”  As often happened, they remained staring at each other and all else faded away. 

Clearing her throat, Darla drew them back.  “How about we all take a seat and discuss these latest issues?”  At the words, Dean stood and took the seat next to Cas.  They clung to each other's hands.  Darla smiled at the display.  “It is nice to see the two of you finally communicating with each other.  It has been a long time coming.”  She gestured to their entwined hands, “And I’m glad to see you accept Dean’s touch so readily.  It’s a good sign.”

“Most of the time he hasn’t had an issue with it.  There were only a few times he flinched or pulled away.”   Dean tensed as he went to continue.  “It seems more difficult with the others.”  He glanced nervously at Cas.  “Especially with men.  Even with Sam.”

The angel paled at the implication of Dean’s statement, and he turned his head away.  “I don’t want to do that.  I know it hurts Sam.”

“That’s not why I brought it up Cas, and Sam understands.”

“How can he understand?” asked Cas.

Dean squeezed his hand.  “Can you look at me please?”  Castiel moved slowly, but he eventually found the hunter’s eyes.  “Okay, so, this is not going to be easy for you to hear, but I think you deserve the truth.”  Castiel did not speak but his eyes opened wider and the blue clouded with worry.  Holding tighter to the angel’s hand, Dean said, “Based on my conversations with Sam, I suspect he knows about the rape.  And I’m pretty sure he figured it out because of Gabriel.”

Tears filled Cas’ eyes.  “I…I..no...”

“Cas, from everything you told me about Malachi, I doubt he kept his mouth shut when Gabriel confronted him.  And the way Gabriel talked and acted after that made Sam suspicious.  Sam is trying not to speculate, but I think deep down he knows.  And he isn’t alone.  Garth won’t confirm anything, and I haven’t told anyone.  They are waiting for you to tell them when and if you decide to.”

“Garth?  I don’t understand what he has to do with this.”

It was Darla who chose to answer when she saw Dean wince.  “Castiel, he is a werewolf, and he was in the facility searching for you.”

All the blood drained out of the angel’s face.  “He smelled it.”  He gagged on the last word as bile rose in his throat. 

“Shit, shit, shit.”  Dean was up and out of his chair.  He grabbed the garbage can and shoved it in front of Cas seconds later.  The angel leaned over and vomited while Dean rubbed the small of his back.  “I’m so sorry, Cas.  I shouldn’t have told you.  Fuck.  What was I thinking?”

“Dean,” said Darla.  “Keeping things from Castiel will not help in the long run.”

Wiping his mouth, Cas looked up at Dean.  “I’m not mad at you.  I am the one who has asked you to be honest with me.  I just wasn’t prepared for that, although I guess I should have been.  Our family is filled with intelligent people who are trained to read clues.”

“Yeah, that’s the truth,” stated Dean with a shy smile.  “Are you okay?”  Cas nodded, so Dean took the garbage can and set it outside the door. 

Darla waited for him to retake his seat before she said, “Castiel, I know one of your fears was having your family look at you differently, but it seems they already knew.  Did they treat you any differently?”

Cas closed his eyes and focused on his own breathing.  He pictured his interactions after he was rescued.  “Not any differently than they did after the coma.”

In a measured tone, Darla asked, “And now that you know Gabriel knows, do you think you would be willing to see him?”

After taking a deep breath, Cas exhaled, “Yes.” 

“Good.  Now, I would like to get back to our original topic.  You have both expressed your love for each other.  Does that change your perspective moving forward?”  She posed the question directly to the angel.  His blue eyes bored into hers as she waited for his answer.  Used to the angel’s unwavering gaze, she maintained the eye contact.

“In some ways.”  Cas paused and shifted his gaze to the ceiling.  “I believe Dean loves me, but I am still struggling and have been for a while with the thought of him wanting a life with me.  And now with the issues around sex I am even more unsure of that.”

“Castiel.”  The sound of his full name in Dean’s deep voice startled the angel.  His head snapped to face the hunter.  “I need you to listen and hear these words.  You.  Are.  It.  For.  Me.  I have worked hard to be worthy of you, and I will continue to fight for you and for us.  I want you.  I want a future with you.  I love you.  Period.  Do you understand?”  As Dean spoke, Cas’ mouth dropped open in surprise, his eyes filled with wonder and his hands grabbed at the hunter.  Dean smiled brightly as he gently tugged on the angel’s hands.  This time it was Cas who knelt in front of Dean.  They wrapped their arms around each other and rested their foreheads together. 

“Okay, Dean.  I hear you.”

“Good.  Now, can we talk about where we go in this future of ours?”


	54. Moving Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time does not heal all wounds. It requires dedication and work. And so the process begins for our characters.

Bags were packed and everyone was standing on the porch. Bobby was huddled with his boys. Cas smiled at their animated conversation, but the moment was bittersweet. It was time to say goodbye. Bobby had stayed to help with the clean-up and to ensure their safety, but now that the bulk of the work was done, the old hunter was ready to return to heaven. Cas could not help but feel guilty. Dean and Sam were losing him once again. Maybe if he had not made the decision to go to the island, Bobby would be staying.

The thought plagued him as he chewed on his bottom lip. A habit which left his bottom lip chapped and bleeding at times. It was only when Dean pointed it out that he recognized the twinge of pain and would heal himself. His grace was available to him again, but ever since his captivity it had a mind of its own. At times it surged uncontrollably, and at others it waned to the point of dormancy. Shaking his head at his selfish train of thought, he pulled himself back to the issue of Bobby. He did not want him to leave. He did not want to see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He had seen too much misery in those green eyes lately. Most of it related to him. He was so attuned to his own mind that he had not noticed Dean’s approach. He startled when the hunter said, “Don’t go down that road. I know what you’re thinking.”

“How could you possible know?” asked Cas with irritation.

“Because I know you and I know how you think. Besides I can feel your turmoil and guilt radiating through the bond.” Cas’ heart pounded in his chest and he stumbled forward. He caught himself by gripping Dean’s forearm. “Why are you acting so shocked? You’re the one who told me how powerful it was becoming.”

Castiel’s voice cracked as he went to speak. He swallowed harshly before trying again. “I didn’t know you would be able to read my emotions.”

“You often read mine.” Dean shrugged. “Besides it’s only when you are spewing your emotions all over the place. Even if I didn’t feel it through the bond, I would read it on your face.”

With a flat, deadpan delivery, Cas said, “When you say things like that, I wonder if I have changed too much and shouldn’t try harder to hold onto the angelic parts of myself. I don’t really want to spew all over the place.” He tried to keep his expression blank, but he realized he failed when Dean gave him a dazzling smile. “What gave me away that time?” asked a bewildered Cas. 

“The hint of mischief in your eyes and the tiny crinkles surrounding them.” Dean bumped his shoulder into Cas. “I told you. I know you. And I wouldn’t for one second believe you want to be a dick angel.”

“Are you saying I was a dick?”

“Only for a little while and never deep down. I saw that quick enough.”

“Similar to how I thought you were an asshole who wouldn’t listen.” This time there wasn’t solely a hint of mischief. In its place, Castiel gave Dean a full-on, eye-crinkling, teeth-showing, massive grin as he winked at him. Instead of the snarky comment or cheeky smile Cas expected, Dean’s eyes filled with tears. The hunter raised his hand gently to Cas’ cheek. As the tears spilled over, Cas whispered, “Dean.”

Dean cupped the angel’s cheek and smiled. “I missed that smile. I can remember the exact day I first saw that smile. It had me reeling back then, but right now it made me cry fucking happy tears. What the hell, Cas? Seriously, what has loving you done to me?”

Castiel leaned his head to the side and gave Dean a curious expression. Before he could say a word, Dean said, “And that right there. When you tip your head like that, all I can think is how adorable you are.” Castiel blushed as he smiled shyly at Dean. A surge of energy surrounded them and pulled them closer to each other. In the next breath, Dean was cupping Castiel’s face in both his hands, and the angel’s long slender fingers rested lightly on Dean’s hips. Without conscious thought, Cas’ eyes slid closed. He felt breath on his lips and heat filled his body. He waited for the panic to set-in, but it never came. He opened his eyes to see Dean staring at him with an expression he could not discern. Fleeting thoughts drifted in and out while Castiel struggled with his own emotions. He could not pinpoint what he wanted in this moment. Flashes of need and yearning were accompanied by reservation and concern.

Concern for himself but also for Dean. The whole situation felt new and a bit unnerving until he let his soul take the lead. It suffused him with memories. Ones which reflected similar feelings. Longing for Dean, wanting him to understand, yearning for his touch. The desire to tell him the true nature of his feelings. That particular memory led to thoughts of the accident. He shoved those aside as quickly as they arrived. He replaced them with images of Dean expressing his desire and most importantly his love. The words rushed out of Cas’ mouth. “I want you. I love you.” Something shifted in Dean’s verdant eyes, and he leaned forward slowly. He closed his eyes as his lips brushed Castiel’s.

A feeling of coming home flowed through Cas, and he found himself pushing into the touch. His breath hitched as his eyelids lowered. Dean shifted back abruptly. “Oh shit. I’m so sorry Cas. What the fuck was I thinking?” The hips under Cas' fingers quaked, and the angel tightened his hold. Before Dean could remove his hands, Castiel gripped them, holding them in place on his cheeks.

“Don’t you dare pull away.”

“But I…you don’t need…Cas please. I shouldn’t have done that. Not now.”

“Dean, look at me.” The hunter instantly complied. “You told me I was not broken. Do you believe that?” Dean nodded. “Then don’t treat me like I can break at any provocation. If I didn’t want you to kiss me, I would have told you. That was our agreement, was it not?”

Nodding again, Dean sighed. “I should have asked for permission. That was different than a simple touch.”

“But it was not unwanted. You need to trust me just as I have put my trust in you. Darla told us not to shy away from our relationship or our attraction to each other.”

“That was the whole ‘let it happen organically’ lesson. Right?” Castiel lifted Dean’s hands from his face and entwined their fingers. He gave Dean a reassuring smile. Dean returned the smile and asked, “How are we going to survive without Darla? Seeing her these last two weeks has helped me in so many ways.”

“She is the one who gave us the green light.  I think she has faith in us.” Cas tugged at Dean’s hand. “Since you aren’t going to allow me to wallow in my guilt over Bobby, let’s go say our goodbyes.”

 

There were tears, but the moment wasn’t as solemn as Castiel thought it would be. Bobby was clearly ready to return to heaven and his family there. And for Cas and his family here on earth, after everything they had been through in the last year, they were looking forward. There was excitement about going to the island and meeting the people there, especially after being crowded in a small cabin for the last two weeks.  They were excited over finally taking a much-needed vacation. No monsters, no angels, no demons, no hunting. Just sun and sand and good food and good company. Castiel found himself swept up in the feeling. He wanted to see his charges again. He wanted to meet the new arrivals and their children. He wanted to see the crisp blue water, golden sands, and lush greenery. And he was looking forward to spending time with Dean outside the pressures of their everyday world.

Bobby had hugged each of them in turn and whispered his blunt advice. He left them with his patented, “Idjits.” As Gabriel went to take him away, Sam turned to Pamela and asked what the others were thinking. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with him?”

“No, my place is here.” She looped her arm around Charlie’s elbow. “With all of you. And there is no way I am missing out on an extended beach vacation.” With those words, Gabriel nodded and in a flutter he and Bobby were gone.

 

As they waited for Gabriel to return, Castiel noticed Meg had disappeared. After alerting Dean, they wandered away from the house. They eventually made their way to the garden where they found her sitting quietly among the bee hives. Watching her, Castiel could not help but remember her fear the day he confronted her about her past. He held no anger, but she struggled to believe him. She could not stop repeating how she had failed him after he had given so much. Both Marta and Cas tried to reassure her. Castiel explicitly forgave her, hoping it would help her forgive herself. She cried which shocked them all. No one thought a demon was capable of tears. It solidified an idea Castiel had been pondering since Meg came back into his life. She was transforming in much the same way he found himself transformed. Whatever humanity survived her fall into demonhood was growing. It was this he and Dean had used to convince her to return to the island. The hunter insisted she could be redeemed as he was after the Mark of Cain. She finally relented and in that moment her black eyes flashed and then receded, now buried beneath her human eyes.

As they approached, she turned and Cas saw that same humanity in her eyes. “What do you want? Can’t I have any peace from the two of you?”

“Nope,” quipped Dean. “Cas here is not ready to let you out of his sight since you are a flight risk.”

“Dean,” admonished Cas, “That is not why we are here. Meg made her decision and I trust her to follow through.”

The demon chuckled, “Then you are a fool, Castiel. I was thinking about ditching this place and all of you.” The angel frowned as he stared at her with sadness. “Don’t give me that look, Clarence.” His expression only intensified. “Fine, I wasn’t really going to ditch you. I just have these moments where I feel the urge to destroy, and I have to get away from all of you helpful, annoying people.” She turned back to look at the hives. “I try to see what you see when you look at them. I want to understand why you are so fascinated by these stupid buzzing insects. Why you are so fascinated by life on this planet, when all I see at times is its nastiness?”

Castiel moved to stand at Meg’s side. “Life on earth is messy and nasty, but it is also beautiful and mesmerizing. My father’s creation traveled its own path and flourished in many ways. I choose to focus on that because it is the heart of this world. Your eyes were altered to see only the rotten parts because that is the way of hell. You have a choice now Rebbekah. You can seek the good in this world and going home is the first step in that journey.”

The small, feisty woman snapped her head around and glared at the angel. “I have not earned the right to use that name. Rebbekah is a ghost. She fell out of existence thousands of years ago and she deserves better than what I have to offer.”

“Meg, that is not true,” said Dean emphatically. “She is in you. You just have to be willing to find her.”

“You Winchesters always make everything sound so easy. You act as if you can conquer anything. I tried to save my son, but he died in my arms. I prayed for my angel, but he didn’t come, even when I begged. I joined hell’s employ and regretted it immediately. I prayed for deliverance and nothing happened, so I threw myself headfirst into hell’s mission. Destruction for destruction's sake. I took pleasure in it, and in the pain I inflicted. How then is she still inside me?”

Castiel wrapped his arms around Meg. “Because you care. You feel sadness and loss. And even though I did not come to your aid, you still came to mine. That shows me who you really are.”

“Dammit, Clarence. Demons are not meant to cry. Get your stupid angelic self off me and hug your boy toy over there instead.” Meg’s sarcastic tone and cocky smirk effectively ended the solemn conversation.

“I am not his boy toy,” snapped Dean with bright red cheeks.

Cas looked between Dean and Meg and then he said, “Hmm.”

“Really, Cas?” asked Dean.

“What? I enjoy watching you blush, and it seems Meg is quite adept at making it happen.” He placed his hand at the small of Dean’s back. The hunter leaned back into the touch, and Cas felt him relax. “I think it is time we return to the others. I am sure Gabriel is back by now.”

“Lead the way Clarence.” Meg glimpsed Castiel’s hand on Dean’s back and added, “Or should I say my angel.”

Dean’s eyes flashed with anger as the angel simply chuckled and ushered Dean forward.


	55. A Fresh Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for the kudos.

Gabriel pulled Castiel aside as soon as he arrived back at the house.  The two angels stood stiffly and neither spoke for several minutes.  Cas broke the silence.  “Is everything ready?”

“As much as it can be at this moment.  Crowley has agreed to continue to pursue the mooks at the top of this whole scheme.  It should not take long for him to infiltrate the highest reaches of the government.  Once he’s satisfied he has all the information, he'll let me know and I will take care of it.  I will make it safe for you to come home. I know how much this place means to you.”

The entire statement was said with such heartfelt determination and empathy it made Castiel wonder if he had ever really known Gabriel.  This was a wholly different angel than the trickster.  Before he could stop himself, he said, “Why are you doing this?  This is not like you at all.”

“But it’s what you would do.  I have seen you strive to bring good to this world for too damn long, so maybe it’s time for others to pick up that mantle and give you a rest.  What Malachi did to you broke something inside me?  I know we weren’t exactly a happy family, but what he did and how he talked about it…” Gabriel closed his eyes and shook his head.  “I wanted to tear apart this world you love so much, but a few stubborn people convinced me that would only hurt you more.”

The archangel’s words conjured up their first meeting after the rape.  It had been difficult to face Gabriel.  There was a fragility to their meeting.  Neither was prepared to show the level of weakness they both felt.  Cas had felt his brother’s anger and desperation, and he knew Gabriel felt his shame.  It took Dean and Sam’s intervention to get the two angels’ talking.  Once the conversation started, the Winchesters had slipped away.  Gabriel shed tears as they talked, shocking Castiel to his core.  By keeping his distance, he had hurt Gabriel, but also himself. He knew his reasoning had been wrong as soon as he saw the concern in Gabriel's eyes. There was no disappointment or disgust. There was only kindness and understanding. Cas tentatively accepted it, and a fundamental change occurred between them that day.  A familial trust developed.  It did not solve all their issues, but it did bring Castiel a sense of peace. 

As they stood next to each other now, there was still some residual awkwardness to their relationship, but it was balanced by an undercurrent of support and compassion.  Castiel would never have associated compassion with Gabriel before, but it was visible for all to see now.  He was gentle and deferential in his dealings with Castiel, and he did not seem to care who saw.  There were no attempts to cover up his true feelings with snark and innuendo.  The thought made Cas smile. 

“What are you smiling at Cassie?”

“I was just thinking about how far we’ve come.  You’ve matured.”

Gabriel scoffed, “That’s what you think.”

“No, it’s what I know,” said Cas solemnly.  “Thank you.”

Turning away, the archangel shifted back and forth, clearly uncomfortable.  “Uh…We should probably get this show on the road.  I don’t want to take all day.”

Castiel nodded, allowing the subject change.  “Yes, I think we're all ready to go.”

 

Standing off to the side while Dean and Gabriel argued, Cas, Pamela, and Charlie chuckled at the scene before them.  Dean was red-faced as the archangel smirked.  The argument had been raging for over five minutes.  Cas tried to intervene a couple of times, but Sam held him back.  When it came to the Impala, it was Dean’s fight and no one else’s.  Reluctantly, Cas agreed.  After another minute and an intense stare down, Gabriel rolled his eyes and said, “Fine, but I have no idea what you are going to do with that behemoth on the tiny island with few roads.”

Dean shrugged.  “Doesn’t matter.  Baby is family and we don’t leave family behind.”

“Cassie, your man is way too attached to his car.  Do you ever get jealous?”

Castiel glared at his brother.  “Gabriel stop being an ass and get them out of here.”

The much shorter man nodded and called out to Sam.  “Load up those lovely ladies and the brooding demon over there,” he gestured at a scowling Meg leaning up against the porch rail, “and then get your giant body in the car.”  As soon as the doors of the Impala shut, they were gone. 

Cas approached Dean and took his hand.  The hunter laced their fingers together and said tenderly, “You sure about this.” 

Laughing, Castiel leaned closer to Dean. “You ask that now when they are already gone.”  Dean shrugged, and Cas said, “I’m sure.  It will be good for all of us.” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand and the ground gave way as the angel’s grace engulfed the hunter.  Blue and green swirled and peace swept over Dean.  Within a flash, they arrived on a long sandy beach.  The sky was filled with a beautiful array of colors.  Neither man moved as they watched the sun set and the colors shift with each passing minute.  At one point, Dean turned his head to look at Cas.  The angel was mesmerized, blue eyes shimmering in the fading light.  Dean had never seen him more beautiful.  It took his breath away.  The hitch drew Castiel’s attention, and he looked at the hunter.  The angel raised his free hand to Dean’s face.  He swept his graceful fingers across Dean’s cheek as he went to lean their foreheads together.  “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, too, Sunshine.”  Dean winked as he flicked his eyes at the sunset.

Castiel chuckled, “Not your best.”

“But not my worst either.” 

“That is true.”  Cas pulled back slightly.  “Dean, I want…”  He stopped abruptly and shifted further away, shaking his head in frustration.

“Hey, it’s okay.”  He gently pulled Cas towards him. 

Shoulders slumping, Cas said, “But it’s not okay.  Even when I know what I want, I can’t.  Even though I know I’m safe with you, I can’t.  Even when you’re looking at me like that, I can’t ask for what I want because he is still here.”  Castiel pointed at his head and his body shook.  “I hear him taunting me.”

“Cas, take a deep breath for me.”  After the angel did, Dean continued, “It has only been a little over two weeks.  And you’re wrong.  You do ask for what you want.  Maybe not always with words.”  Castiel frowned in confusion.  “No, hear me out.  You reach out for my hand all the time.  You sit near me and place your leg against mine.  You lift the covers to welcome me into bed with you.  You shift into my space or pull me into yours.  So, you see you do tell me what you want, and there have been plenty of times where you have simply asked me to hold your hand, to stay, to sit by you.”

Movement to their left caught Cas’ attention before he could respond to Dean’s assessment.  A small group of people was walking toward Dean and Cas.  Quickly, Castiel let Dean know he did not want to see anyone.  Without even questioning Castiel’s statement, the green-eyed man crossed the beach.  Cas watched as he spoke to Marta and then to Sam.  After several minutes, he turned and walked back to Castiel.  Dean waited for the angel to decide their next move.  It took Cas a second, but he eventually grabbed the hunter’s hand and started walking in the opposite direction.  They reached a pile of driftwood and Castiel released Dean’s hand as he took a seat.  Resting his back against a large log, he gazed up at Dean.  He gave the man a soft smile and gestured for him to take a seat.  Dean dropped to the ground loudly, keeping about a foot between them.  Cas appreciated Dean’s efforts to make him comfortable, but the actions angered a part of him he seemed less able to control.  His graced-up soul flared, demanding attention, and if Cas admitted it to himself, it demanded connection.  It wanted to entwine with Dean’s soul as their hands often did.  Any attempts to control it only proceeded to enrage it further.  It pulsed and throbbed and drove the angel to distraction.  Without thinking, his body closed the distance between them and his hand reached out for Dean.  As soon as they touched, their souls connected.  Both men inhaled sharply at the intense feeling.  The energy dissipated and it mellowed into a low hum of reassurance and comfort.  Dean sighed and Castiel heard the contentment in it.  He stared into Dean’s kind green eyes.  They shined with desire and love.  He knew his were reflecting similar emotions. 

Shattering the silence, Dean asked, “Is it always going to be like that?”

“I don’t know.  There are just moments where I can’t control it.”

Dean nodded despite looking perplexed.  Castiel wanted to clarify but did not know what to say.  So, instead he waited.  Eventually, Dean asked, “What exactly are you trying to control?”

“My soul.”

“Why does it need controlling?”

Cas chuckled wistfully.  “Because it seems to think it should be intertwined with yours.  The fact that it is woven with my grace does little to help disabuse it of this notion.”  He shook his head.  “As my grace seeks out the tendrils of the grace inside of you.”  The angel watched as Dean began to understand the meaning of his words.  He blushed and shifted nervously.  The movement triggered Cas’ anxiety, and it reminded him of Dean’s reaction the night of the accident.  He must have done a poor job of masking his feelings because Dean was quick to reassure him.

“Cas, there is nothing I want more than to renew our bond.”

“But you seem uncomfortable.”

Dean leaned against Cas as he shifted his gaze to the crashing waves.  He rubbed his hand down his face and then rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder.  “I'm not uncomfortable.  I don’t know what I did to make you think that, but I swear it isn’t that.”  There was a pause as if Dean was waiting for Cas to respond.  The angel tipped his head and rested it atop the hunter’s.  Dean breathed deeply and relaxed his body further as he said, “I sometimes get overwhelmed by all of this.  Us being like this is strange and exciting and terrifying and yet it feels like coming home.  Like I’ve been waiting forever to be like this with you.  Does that make any sense because I think I confused myself?”

“Actually it makes perfect sense.  My feelings for you often overwhelm me, and they have since the beginning.  There were all these emotions I didn’t understand.”

“Like what?” asked Dean as he turned to stare at Cas.

“Like jealousy.  That one really confused me.”  Cas chuckled mirthlessly.  “I was hurt and angry and had no idea why.  All I knew was I didn’t want to see you with Anna.  The way you looked at her and touched her.  It took years for me to truly understand.  Years of watching you flirt and take women home.”

Dean ducked his head bashfully.  “I never knew you felt that way.”  Lifting his head, Dean locked eyes with Castiel.  “I’m almost embarrassed to say this, but it was just sex.”

“Even with Lisa.”  Pain laced through the hunter’s eyes, and Cas immediately regretted his words.  “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“It’s okay.  If we’re really talking about this than she is a part of this conversation.  I cared for Lisa.  She was there for me at the lowest point in my life.  She took me in with no questions asked.  But it was a mistake.  I didn’t belong in her world.  I walked away from Bobby and you.  It wasn’t fair.”

Castiel raised his hand and carded it through Dean’s hair.  “I want to say it was okay, but if I am being honest, I was lost and alone.  I was surrounded by angels but felt totally alone.  There was a gaping hole inside me.  When I came to see you at Lisa’s house, I began to understand my feelings.  I missed you and wanted you back in my life, but you looked so content and you had given so much.  I couldn’t drag you back into the fight.  I buried my feelings that day.”  Dean closed his eyes and sighed as Cas said, “I became a soldier again.”

Dropping his head to Cas’ chest, Dean whispered, “I missed you, too.  I dreamt about you.  I always dream about you.  Some are nightmares.  Reliving all the times you got hurt or died.  But sometimes they’re peaceful.  Just us talking or watching TV together.  I wish I would have spent time trying to understand what that meant instead of always shoving those dreams away.  Maybe I would have gotten here sooner.”

“We are here now.”

Dean lifted his head and with a cheeky smile he said, “Yeah we are.  And what a place.”  He waved at the never-ending beach and vast ocean before taking Cas’ face in his hands.  “This is the only place I want to be.” 

Instinctively Castiel knew he wasn’t talking about the island, so he said, “And there is no one else I’d want to be with.”  Dean slid his hands to the back of Cas’ head and held him gently.  He leaned their foreheads together, but it wasn’t enough for the angel.  He took it upon himself to close the distance between them.  Dean moaned as their lips met.  It was a mere brush of lips, but it held such promise that both men smiled as they pulled back to stare into each other’s eyes.  Castiel’s blue eyes were welcoming, and Dean found himself drowning in their depths.  As the ocean lapped at the shore and the last light left the sky, the angel and the hunter leaned back against the log and closed their eyes.  They allowed themselves a few more moments of peace before having to find the others. 


	56. Vacation Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for sun and sand. Something the boys on the show could use. Comments are always appreciated.

When Dean and Cas finally joined the others, they discovered their belongings were already set up in one of the thatched huts.  Dean soon discovered the name was a misnomer.  Their house for the foreseeable future was a beautifully apportioned home. The set of large windowed doors on the ocean side could be folded away creating an open-air living space, complete with a thatched roof and ample deck.  The view was spectacular.  Dean marveled at the kitchen with its massive island and professional appliances.  The bedroom was equally impressive.  The massive four-poster bed sat across from another set of large folding doors.  The breeze rippled through the room, and the sounds of the ocean filtered into the serene space.  There was little the hunter could do but gape at his surroundings.  It was better than any dream he had of a beach vacation. 

“This is like being at one of those high-end resorts.”

“Hmm…you have Gabriel to thank for that,” scoffed Cas.  “He decided we needed to keep up with the modern world.  Before he started making changes, life her was simple and basic.  But each time we expand and bring new people, he works his “magic.”  New residences and modern conveniences suddenly appear.”  Cas glanced around the bedroom.  “Although he seems to have outdone himself this time.  This is all new.  In fact, this whole section of island is new.”

Dean looked around the room and wandered over to the deck.  His eyes trained on several planters and then swept back into the bedroom.  “Do you think all of the flowers were his idea, too?”

Chuckling Castiel said, “No, you have Shadiya to thank for that.  She is the island’s lead gardener.  It has been a passion of hers from a young age.  One Marta was happy to encourage.”

“I see why,” said Dean with a contented sigh and a smile.  “This place is absolutely breath-taking.”  Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head.  “You know I never saw myself saying shit like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on Cas.  Can you see the old me waxing poetic about the sunset or the flowers?”

The angel crossed the room and stood directly in front of Dean.  He held both of the hunter’s hands and said, “Being romantic and appreciating the beauty of this world is part of you. It was always inside you.  Just because you were taught to hide that part of yourself does not mean it went away.”  The relief in Dean’s eyes made Cas continue.  “And I am glad you let me see that side of you.  It soothes my soul and makes me happy.”

Dean pulled Cas into a tight hug, burying his face in the angel’s neck.  He breathed deeply taking in his intoxicating scent.  It was so uniquely Castiel, and it always elicited a flood of good memories.  Dean burrowed in tighter, holding onto the moment for as long as he could.  He didn’t move until he felt the angel shiver.  As Dean went to pull away, Cas whispered, “I’m all right.  I know it’s you so I’m okay.”

The hunter’s heart clenched in his chest because he knew what those words meant.  It happened less and less frequently, but Cas still found himself reliving the rape.  Usually it came in the guise of nightmares, but there were those times when touching him still triggered the memories.  Waves of guilt crashed over Dean, keeping rhythm with the sounds of the ocean.  He knew better than to rush into any touch.  Diving into Cas’ arm was definitely not okay.  “Cas,” he sighed painfully. 

“Dean, please don’t.  I told you I am okay, and I mean it.”

“But…”

Pulling back and glaring, Cas cut him off sharply.  “Goddammit Dean, I do not want you to stop hugging me because I have a flicker of memory.  You do that and that asshole wins.  Do you understand me?”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered nervously while stifling a laugh.  Unable to contain his laugh, he blurted, “You said your father’s name in vain.”

The angel rolled his eyes dramatically.  “Really, Dean?  That is what you focused on in that statement.”  Biting his lip, Dean shrugged one shoulder.  Cas smiled at him.  “Sometimes you act like a child.”

“Yeah.”  The lighthearted moment slid away as Dean’s face fell back into one of concern.  “Cas, I don’t want to stop hugging you either, but I also hate causing you to think of that day.  So, what are we supposed to do?”

Cas turned and walked over to the bed.  He sat down, sinking into the soft white comforter.  As he stared at Dean, he absently ran his hands over the fabric.  Dean watched Cas’ hands, enthralled by the graceful way they slid across the bed.  As those hands stilled, Dean lifted his gaze to find the angel staring at him with a shy smile.  Blushing, Dean smiled back and waited.  Cas exhaled and said, “We are supposed to move forward.  We are supposed to hold onto each other and help each other.  And part of that is learning to deal with happened to me and my reactions to it.  I have waited too damn long for you, and I am not willing to let you go.”

Dean smile lit up his entire face, and he closed the gap between them in a heartbeat.  Stepping between his angel’s knees, he tipped Cas’ chin up and said, “Good because I wasn’t planning on letting you go.”  Cas’ hands tangled in the bottom of Dean’s t-shirt and tugged.  “What do you want?” whispered Dean breathlessly.

“A kiss.”  When Dean did not move right away, Cas tugged harder on his shirt.  “Dean,” he implored.

The sound of his name on the angel’s lips, delivered in that deep smoky voice, pulled the hunter in like a magnet.  Dean leaned down and captured Cas’ lips in a gentle kiss.  It took only a second for Cas to deepen the kiss.  He swept his tongue along Dean’s bottom lip.  A shockwave of emotion crashed over the hunter.  That simple touch ignited a fire inside him.  One he knew he needed to control.  He slowed the kiss as he caressed the back of Cas’ neck.  Dean pulled away and dropped to his knees.  His arms encircled the angel’s waist, and he rested his head in his lap.  Castiel immediately carded his fingers through Dean’s hair.  The position was one Dean often found himself in because it brought comfort to them both.  They lingered, both enjoying the intimacy of the moment until Dean’s stomach growled. 

Cas chuckled, “Now I see why you stopped.”

“That is not why I stopped,” Dean said as he leaned back on his heels. 

“I know.”  Castiel smiled at him with understanding.  “And thank you.”

Dean nodded slightly as his stomach growled again. 

“Perhaps we should take Marta up on her offer of dinner,” said Cas as he ran a finger along Dean’s cheek.  The hunter leaned into the touch before getting to his feet.  He pulled Castiel up, and they held hands as they walked out into the starlit night.  As they approached a rather large section of huts, they spotted a large banquet table and several other circular tables and chairs.  There was a large fire burning, and the area was surrounded by torches.  They did not go unnoticed, and soon the entire congregation of people was staring in their direction.  A group of children were the first to stand.  Several adults in the vicinity waved at the kids, but they ignored the frantic movements.  Eagerly they crossed the beach to stand in front of Castiel and Dean, but they only had eyes for the angel.  Staring in awe up at Cas, they waited on the tips of their toes, anxious and smiling.  Dean felt the shift in Cas’ demeanor.  The angel at his side stood straighter as he took a step forward.  The hunter felt the flare of Cas' grace and the surge of emotion.  With a crash of thunder, Cas displayed his wings, and a collective gasp filled the beach.  The angel moved toward the water, and it shifted in front of him.  Massive wings appeared in the surf and then turned into a towering tree, followed quickly by a sunburst and then a shimmering swirl of color. 

The fusion of blue, green, and stark white was so close to the colors of their bond that Dean found himself moving toward the water.  Castiel grabbed his hand before he reached the water.  As soon as they touched, the colors intensified and grew.  A water spout appeared in the middle, and the massive wings emerged at the top.  The area around Dean and Cas lit up, and Castiel’s wings snapped into existence once again.  It was like nothing Dean had ever experienced before.  The power and beauty of the moment filled him with a sense of wonder which quickly morphed into pride and passionate love.  Before he lost control, he reigned in the later, controlling his bodily reactions.  Once he regained his composure, he stared at Cas, mesmerized by the sheer magnificence of the angel and the stunning beauty of the man. 

“No wonder I never had a chance but to fall for him,” whispered Dean.  Despite the quiet delivery, the angel turned to face him.

“Now you understand how I felt when I saw your soul in hell.  I never had a chance either.  I loved you from the first.” Cas’ voice boomed with angelic power.  Dean wondered if the others could understand his words.  When he turned to see their reactions, he realized they all had their ears covered and their eyes shut. 

“Shit, Cas.  You have to stop.  It’s too strong.  Look.”  He gestured at the assembled group.  The angel immediately released his hand and stepped several feet away.  His wings disappeared, and then the water crashed back to the surface.  The wave created engulfed their feet, and the last of the lights dimmed at the contact.  After several heartbeats, Dean heard the sound of cheering and clapping.  Suddenly, they were surrounded by the children.  All asking questions at once. 

“Hush.”  With that one word from the angel, they stopped.  “It is good to see all of you.”

“You, too. Papa.” A flurry of small voices responded. 

Cas smiled indulgently at them and then waved at the tables.  “I believe it is time to eat.  Go sit.”  The children ran to comply with his order.  Within seconds everyone was seated.  Cas took the opportunity to introduce Dean.  “I would like all of you to meet my…”  He looked to Dean for clarification, but the hunter simple smiled at him.  “Well, Dean is many things to me, but I suppose now is not the time to name them all.”  He chuckled as he looked at the sea of confused and amused faces.  Several children finally realized no further explanation was coming and yelled, “Hello Dean.”

It was at that moment the hunter really studied the people around them.  They appeared to be every race and ethnicity.  From what he had learned, they came from countries all over the world with different cultures, religions and languages.  “Um…Cas?”

“Yes, Dean.”

“How do they all speak English?”

“Ah.  That is another thing you have to thank our resident archangel for.  The central language of the island has changed many times since its inception.  As we reached the modern era, English was becoming a significant language around the world.  Gabriel deemed it easier to use that language as many newcomers already spoke it in some form.  For those who didn't, he simply gave them the ability.”

“Um…That seems invasive.”

Cas held out his hand and then walked Dean to a pair of empty chairs.  “At first, it was because he did not ask permission.  Hester was the one to demand he ask them.  She made sure he did not interfere with their native languages.  I was gone for a long stretch and therefore did not know everything Gabriel was up to on the island.  Thankfully, Hester did not fear him and could push him to comply with her wishes.”

Smiling Dean envisioned Hester berating a cowering Gabriel.  “I would have liked to have seen that.  How was she able to do that?”  His stomach growled loudly as he finished his question. 

“I think any more stories should wait until you eat,” said Castiel with a smirk.

Dean bumped his shoulder into the angel’s as they sat down.  “Be nice.”

“I am being nice.  I want to make sure you are being properly fed.  As I know how important food is to you.”

“Very funny, Cas.”

Cas beamed at him, and Dean leaned in to kiss the smile off his face.  It was a quick press of lips, but it succeeded.  The angel pulled back and looked at Dean with tenderness.  “I love you.”

“I know.”

As they talked, their plates had appeared in front of them filled with food.  When they turned to face the rest of the table, they saw their friends and family grinning at them.  Both the angel and the hunter smiled as they blushed.  “What?  You act like you’ve never seen anyone kiss before.”

“Come on Dean.  You know that isn’t it.  We are just happy for you.  It has been a long time coming.  Seeing you happy…”  Sam choked up and couldn’t finish. 

Dean saved him from trying by saying, “Thanks, Sammy.”


	57. Finding a Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There can be healing through words, but also through touch.

That evening after the kids were put to bed, many of the adults gathered around the fire.  More formal introductions were made and stories were shared.  There was talk about the comings and goings on the island, which were happening more frequently over the last several years.  Castiel was surprised by this revelation, only to be completely floored when he learned the reason. 

“Why are you allowing this?” he asked Marta.

“Castiel, it is not a decision that was made lightly, but you could not ask all of us to stay here when the world was in turmoil.  We had to come, especially when we learned of your role in the fight.”

The angel shook his head and shut his eyes with a pained expression on his face.  “But to train them as hunters.  How did you even get the idea to do that?”

Marta sat silently for several seconds.  When she finally began to explain, she was interrupted by Gabriel who had suddenly appeared at her side.  He set his hand on her shoulder and told her it was not her responsibility to explain.  The archangel took a seat before he lifted his eyes to meet the steely blue eyes of his brother.  “Cassie, I know you wanted to keep this place isolated and pure, but the apocalypse changed all that.  Hester and Samandriel struggled to meet their obligations here.  And you were busy with the Winchesters and having a crisis of faith.   I made the executive decision to involve them.”

The aforementioned Winchesters jumped to their feet immediately.  They both went to speak before Dean deferred to his younger brother.  “That is rich coming from you.  You chose to stay out of it.  You tried to get Cas to stay out of it all.   What right did you have to involve others if you wouldn’t do anything yourself?”

“If you recall, I did try to help in the end.”

Dean scoffed, “Don’t defend your actions.  You know it was too little, too late.”

Before Gabriel could respond to the hunter, one of the islanders, a tall thin man with dirty blond hair, said, “It was not Gabriel’s choice.  Those of us who trained made that choice with the blessings of our family and friends.  He only told us the situation.  The rest was up to us.”

“James is correct," interjected Marta.  "We all had options.  I myself had responsibilities here so I allowed James and Deborah to lead the training.  Once we learned of the scale, more people wanted to help.  And as the years passed without a visit from Hester, Samandriel and you, Castiel, we had to prepare ourselves for a different future.”

Cas winced at the mention of his fellow angels.  Dean reached out and touched his forearm, offering what little comfort he could.  As he went to pull his hand back, there was a flurry of activity to his left.  Pamela and Charlie were trying to wrangle Meg back into her chair.  The demon was pleading with them to let her go.  Understanding dawned as he watched the scene unfold.  The hunter remembered the day in Rufus’ cabin.  He recalled the harsh words Hester spoke and her brutal attack on a confused and broken Castiel.  He vividly relived the moment the angel went to kill Cas, and Meg’s swift action to stab Hester. 

“You saved Cas,” he said quietly.  He repeated the statement with more force.  “You saved Cas.”  Once Meg looked in his direction, he said, “Meg.  If you hadn’t stabbed her, she would have killed him.  You saved his life.  You had no choice.”  There were a few sharp inhales and then dead silence ensued.

Meg stopped fighting and leaned back in her chair.  She stared at Dean, and then she slid her eyes over to Castiel and then Marta.  Dean saw sadness in Castiel’s eyes and a measure of uncertainty in Marta’s.  Meg closed her eyes as Castiel said, “Meg, you were not at fault.”

“Clarence, I am at fault, but I would do it again.  I would do just about anything to protect you.”

The angel, blue eyes filled with kindness, said, “That is not your job.  Your only job now is to start a new life here.”  Meg was not given a chance to protest as there was swift agreement from those around the fire.  The demon’s eyes never left the angel’s as the conversation continued.  Dean studied the exchange, wondering what was being shared in that moment.  When Meg finally dropped her gaze, Dean leaned into Cas.

“What was that all about?”

Perplexed Cas asked, “What?”

“You and Meg and the epic stare down.”

A glimmer of sadness was quickly replaced by resolve in Castiel’s expression.  “Understanding and acceptance.”  Dean frowned at Cas.  “Dean, it was between Meg and I, and you don’t need to know more than that.”

“Okay.”  A strange emotion swept over Dean as he spoke.  The longer he lingered on the exchange the more uncomfortable he became.  He shifted nervously in his chair and leaned more heavily on Castiel.  He wanted to get closer to the angel, closer than the chairs allowed.  When he stopped fidgeting, he felt Castiel’s eyes on him. 

The angel smiled at him.  “You don’t need to be jealous Dean.”

“I…I…um,” he stammered.  “I’m not…”  He stopped himself when he realized that was precisely what he was feeling.  It was not an emotion he often felt.  It was anathema to his usual one-night stand persona.  A persona he realized was long gone.  Replaced with this new version of himself, a romantic sap that gets irrationally jealous.  “Okay so maybe I was jealous.”

Cas smile turned smug and he said, “She didn’t even have to call me her angel this time.”

“Yeah, yeah.  I really hate when people say that.  I am the only one who gets to call you his angel.”  Dean looked at Cas and shyly said, “Right?”

“Of course, Dean.”  Cas shifted in his seat so his thigh aligned with Dean’s.  “I am getting tired.  Should we go back to the house?”  The hunter nodded as he stood.  It took a long time for them to make their exit as everyone wanted a chance to speak with Cas.  Dean hovered on the periphery speaking with Charlie, Sam, and Pamela.  When he saw Cas’ shoulders droop, he knew it was time to extricate him from the fray.  Charlie walked with him and helped him disengage Cas from the small crowd.  She walked with them for a short while.  Their conversation was light and filled with laughter.  The sound of Castiel laughing never ceased to amaze Dean.  It was so rare and so treasured he felt he should catalogue each and every one.  Before he knew it, they were on their own again.  Stumbling along the beach, lit only by the waning moonlight. 

Once they arrived, Dean opened the doors wide and fixed each of them a drink.  He had learned to enjoy non-alcoholic versions of certain drinks, and he wanted to share the new experience with Cas.  It was important to Dean that Cas understand he was continuing in his sobriety.  He knew that over the course of the last two weeks, when they were holed up in the safe-house Meg created, Cas had seen signs of his commitment and signs of his struggle.  It was never easy to watch as others simply drank a beer or downed a shot.  Charlie had suggested the others refrain in his company, but Dean refused to let that happen.  He would be exposed to it in his daily life so hiding from it was not a real solution.  As he made the drinks, he looked down at the bar.  There were no bottles of liquor.  There never would be as long as it was just Dean and Cas.  It was an agreement the two of them had come to after several heated arguments.  It was Cas’ conviction that alcohol had not been a part of his life before Dean, and therefore it did not need to be a part of it now.  They could share the same camaraderie with a cup of coffee or a soft drink.  One other factor pushed Dean to accept Cas’ decision.  The angel wanted their relationship to be based on honesty.  An honesty not tainted by inebriation.  They each needed the other’s words to be delivered sober.  They needed to be able to rely on the veracity of those words.  This string of thoughts was snapped by Cas clearing his throat.

Dean picked up the glasses and turned to see Cas smiling at him with amusement.  “Where were you just then?”

“Thinking about sobriety.”

Cas’ smile faded quickly as his brow furrowed and his jaw tightened.  “Are you wanting a drink?”

“The opposite actually.  I was thinking about why there is no alcohol here, and why I don’t want there to be.”  The angel’s smile returned as he beamed at Dean with pride shining in his wide blue eyes.  “You don’t have to look at me like a did a miracle.  All I’m doing is not drinking.”

“Don’t do that Dean.  Don’t sell yourself short.  You relied on vices to get you through the day and night for most of your life.  Changing that and sticking to it is…simply amazing.”

“Come on knock it off.  You know I hate when you do that.”

Crossing the room with a deep chuckle, Cas said, “What?  Compliment you.”  Dean ducked his head.  “Well, you should get used to it.  I have been known to espouse the virtues of the things I love.  I was never merely a soldier even if that is what heaven expected of me.  I always saw beauty in this universe.  I was always inspired by life on this planet.  And I was always in awe of you.”

“Jesus,” muttered Dean.

“No just an angel in love with a hunter.”

“Fuck Cas.”  Dean lifted his head and stared at Cas.  He was overcome with the power and depth of his love for the angel.  “Why is it so easy for you to express all that?  God, for me just saying the word love makes me feel like a vice is tightening around my chest.  For fuck’s sake I can hardly say it to Sam.”

Instead of answering, Cas took the glasses from Dean’s hands and set them aside.  He engulfed the hunter in a hug, burying his face in Dean’s neck.  The touch of lips behind his ear made Dean gasp and sent shivers down his spine.  His hands moved from the angel’s waist and slid up his back.  He gripped Cas’ hair at the base of his neck and held him tight.  Tipping his head back, he allowed Cas to run his mouth along his jawline.  He fought his instinct to take control and let himself submit fully to Castiel.  His entire body heaved a sigh of relief, and he found the words flowing from his mouth.  “I never understood what being in love was until you stormed into my life.  You were this gift I did not think I needed and most certainly did not think I wanted.  Live fast and die hard that was my life but being near you changed all that.  I started to see a different life, and it scared the ever-living shit out of me.”

Cas paused, pulled back, and stared up into Dean’s eyes.  “And now?”

“And now, being without this is what scares me.”

For several seconds neither of them spoke or moved or even dared to breathe.  Closing his eyes, Cas asked, “And what exactly is this?”

“What do you want it to be?”

The angel snapped his eyes open.  “Dean,” he admonished, lowering his already deep voice.  The stern tone did not deter Dean.  Instead, it triggered his desire, and a moan escaped before he could stifle it.  Cas’ squinted his eyes at the hunter and repeated himself.  “Dean.” 

Dean dropped his head onto Cas’ shoulder and groaned.  “You can’t just do that.  It’s not fair.”

“I don’t see why not.  You deflected instead of answering my question so it seems fair for me to torment you a bit.” 

Sliding his arms around the angel’s waist, Dean pulled him tighter.  “I wasn’t trying to deflect.  I just remember you stumbling to introduce me earlier.  You didn’t know what to call me, and I didn’t want to overstep.”  Cas squeezed Dean’s hips and hmm’d.  Dean took it as an invitation to continue.  “But if I had to choose I guess I would say we are a couple and whatever label you want to give me is fine by me.”

“I think you should take me to bed, Dean."

Dean clung to Cas and shook with nerves.  “Cas, I don’t think we should…”  The angel hushed him and said, “I didn’t mean for sex, Dean.  I only want to be close to you.  The way you tried to be close to me earlier.  It wasn’t enough for either of us, if I was reading your emotions correctly.”

“You were, but how…”

Cas stepped back and led Dean to the bedroom, drinks long forgotten.  Inside the room, he stopped next to the bed and then lifted his shirt.  He gestured for Dean to do the same.  The hunter’s hands shook as he watched Cas expose his taut abdomen and then his firm chest.  His muscle tone had returned along with his weight.  He was a beautiful man, and Dean was frozen by the sight.  As Cas' shirt hit the floor, he reached for the hem of Dean’s Led Zeppelin t-shirt.  He lifted gently until Dean raised his arms.  Bare-chested and heaving they stared at each other.  Cas tentatively reached out and touch the hunter’s chest.  He placed his hand over Dean's heart and felt its rapid beating.  “Cas,” croaked Dean. 

“Shh…It’s all right Dean.”  The angel slid his hand down Dean’s chest and rested it on the button of Dean’s jeans.  The hunter stepped back as he grabbed Cas’ wrist.  “Dean, I just want to lay in this bed and feel your skin against mine.  We need to take these steps or we will never get anywhere.”

The earnestness in Cas’ voice and the pleading in his eyes made Dean release his wrist.  He unbuttoned his well-worn jeans and then let Cas take control again.  The angel lowered the zipper and slid Dean’s jeans down his thighs.  His blue eyes stayed on Dean’s face until the hunter stepped back to lower his pants the rest of the way.  As Dean stepped out of them, Cas watched, mesmerized by the movement of his muscles and the expanse of skin before him.  Eventually, his eyes drifted back up Dean’s body and settled on the bulge in his tight black boxer briefs.  He felt the heat rush to his face so he quickly pulled his gaze away.  He found Dean staring at him with an odd expression.  He could not discern the emotions he saw swirling in the hunter’s green eyes.  Dean swallowed several times and then cleared his throat.  His voice cracked as he nervously asked, “Your turn?”

Caught off guard by the break in the silence, Cas mumbled, “Oh…ah…”  Shaking his shoulders and wringing his hands, he tried to gain some control.  Without speaking, he lowered his hands to his pants and slowly removed them, blushing the entire time. 

Seeing his unease, Dean asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” was the simple answer as the angel crawled onto the bed.  He pulled back the sheet and slid under the cover, lifting the corner to welcome Dean into the bed.  Dean, green eyes filled with anxiety and love, took the invitation and joined the angel.  Cas immediately shifted over into Dean’s space, lifting the hunter’s arm so he could rest his head on Dean’s chest.  It took several attempts for Dean to lower his arm and wrap it around Cas.  They both sighed as their bond soothed any remaining tension.  Cas tilted his head up to see Dean smiling down at him.  “Love you, Sunshine.” 

The angel felt the change in Dean's delivery.  There was no hesitation, no racing heart, and no anxiety.  Cas leaned up to give Dean a kiss, whispering against his lips, “My love.”  He closed his eyes and hugged Dean tighter.  They fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. 


	58. To Each His Own

Sunlight splashed across the bed hitting Dean across his face.  He allowed it to heat his skin until the light became too much.  He struggled to roll over as his legs were entangled with the warm body next to him.  He sighed from the contact and the knowledge that it was Castiel at his side.  Each morning since they found the angel, Dean found himself reveling in the fact that Cas was safe in bed with him.  He snuggled up next to Cas and slipped his arm over his waist.  His movements must have woken the angel because he heard a muffled, “Good morning, Dean.”

“Mornin’, Sunshine.”

“Is it time to get up?”

Dean chuckled at the familiar question.  For some unknown reason, Cas asked that question almost every morning, and Dean answered the same thing every time, “It’s still early.  Go back to sleep.”  Cas always complied, drifting back to sleep as Dean listened to the shift in his breathing and stared at his peaceful face.  In the dappled sunlight, Cas’ skin shimmered, and Dean found himself drawn to the man’s dark lashes.  The warmth of the moment reminded him of the previous night.  Dean had never experienced a more intimate moment in his life.  Even with all the sex he'd had in his life, simply undressing with Cas and laying with him, bare skin touching, was overwhelming and profound.  It changed his understanding of what it meant to go to bed with someone.  In their therapy sessions, he had expressed to Castiel that he did not need sex, and he meant that, but it was the events of the previous night that solidified it for the hunter.  All he needed was the closeness they shared.  “You are enough, Cas.  In every way.  In any way.”

He wasn’t as quiet as he thought because the next thing he knew, he had an angel hovering over him.  Faces inches apart.  Blue eyes glowing with grace stared down at Dean’s shocked expression.  He stammered, “I thought you were asleep.”

“Well, you thought wrong.”  There was power in Castiel’s voice as he continued, “You, Dean Winchester, are astounding.”  Frozen under Cas’ intense gaze, Dean swallowed, but did not move.  “I love waking up with you.  There is this quiet moment when everything in the world seems right.  I hear you breathing and feel your warmth.  It soothes every ache I have inside.  Only you can do that.”

Closing his eyes, Dean inhaled, soaking in the otherworldly scent of the angel.  “You do the same for me.  I can let myself be vulnerable with you.  I never understood why I could always share my fears with you.”

Castiel smiled at Dean as he rested their foreheads together.  They heard the sound of heavy feet hit the deck a second before Sam yelled, “Good morning.”

“Well, I guess that’s our wake-up call,” laughed Dean.  “In here, Sammy.” 

Sam walked in, dramatically covering his eyes.  “You could have warned me.”

“Sam, I assure you nothing untoward was taking place,” mocked Cas.  The younger Winchester dropped his hands and gave Cas one of his patented bitch faces.  “Is there a reason for your early morning visit,” asked Cas, holding in a laugh.

Gesturing to the wide-open doors and the ocean beyond, Sam said, “Boats loaded and we’re just waiting on you.”

“Shit, I completely forgot.”  Dean quickly shifted out from under Cas.  When he heard a groan, Dean looked back at the angel and was met with sad blue eyes.  “Hey, what’s the matter?”  Cas turned his head away. 

“I’ll just wait outside,” muttered Sam.  Dean waved at him over his shoulder and then focused his full attention back on Cas.  He waited for his partner to explain. 

Cas took several deep breaths before he turned to face Dean again.  “I’m fine, Dean.  You should go with Sam.”

“Not until you tell me why you looked so sad.”

Shrugging Cas said, “That’s just it, Dean.  I have no idea why.”

“You know it’s hard for me to be apart from you, too.”

“Do you think that’s all it was?” asked Cas. 

Dean nodded.  “It’s possible.”  Pulling Cas into a hug, Dean whispered, “I won’t be gone long.  Besides I think you promised Charlie to take her around the island.” 

 

An hour later, Cas had an exuberant Charlie at his side as they made their way around the island.  He regaled her with tales of the changes over the last two thousand years.  She asked copious amounts of questions, hardly waiting for the answers.  As they approached Cas’ favorite overlook on the island, he sensed a change in Charlie’s demeanor.  Her excitement waned and her body tensed.  Despite bracing himself for the inevitable question, he still twitched when he heard it.

“Are we going to talk about it?”

Blue eyes stared out at the ocean as the angel clasped his hands behind him.  “Is it necessary?”

“No, of course not.  But I saw the room and I saw Garth’s face.  It terrified me, and I don’t know if it will ever stop terrifying me.”

The pain in her voice convinced Castiel to turn and face her.  The sight before him made him wonder how he had missed it.  The anguish in her soul was clearly evident.  “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Charlie said angrily.  “I should have kept my mouth shut.  Dean told me to keep my mouth shut, but I just couldn’t follow that simple request and not respect you’re…”

Castiel cut her off, “Stop.  You’re starting to ramble.”  He smiled at the much smaller woman.  “Being silent is not a quality you possess.”  Charlie huffed as she shrugged.  Unable to maintain eye contact, Cas shifted his gaze to the sky.  “I forget sometimes how difficult it was for all of you.  Not knowing where I was, whether I was dead or alive.  And then to find me like that.  I know if I found one of you like that I would want to know.”  His voice shook as he spoke despite his best efforts to steady it.  Charlie stepped closer to him.

“Can I hug you?” she whispered.  Lowering his head and opening his arms, he watched as Charlie leaned into his embrace.  “Just because I want to know doesn’t give me the right.”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.  But the fact that you are family, and you were there through everything…perhaps that does.”  Charlie held him tighter.  “I missed your brand of hug, but I think for this discussion we need to sit.”

Surrounded by the nature he loved so much, he found himself relaxing even with the impending conversation.  He listened to the sound of the waves and the seabirds.  He watched the swaying of the flora, mesmerized by the vast hue of colors.  He began to talk of his appreciation of the altering landscapes.  The shifting sands and weathered rocks.  He pondered his role in the world.  Wondered aloud at the impact of humanity.  It was the last that made him pause.  He pictured the island’s residents.  The damage done to them at the hands of their fellow man and their resilience in the face of that damage.  Then he thought of the angels, and the damage they did to each other.  The damage he had done and the damage done to him.  “Why do we hurt those of our kind?  Is that inherent in creation or is that a fault of humans and angels?”  He did not want Charlie to attempt an answer to those questions.  He merely posed them to set the framework of what was to come. 

Slowly, he discussed the first days of his captivity.  His hopes and fears.  He talked of the experiments and his anger.  Eventually, he explained his despair and his moments of weakness.  He expressed forcefully the role his thoughts of his family and friends had in overcoming that despair.  He needed her to see they did not break him.  As he continued, his tone grew grave, reflecting the increasing torture and starvation he had suffered.  Charlie did not speak, but he heard her gasps and heavy breathing.  He stopped and waited.  Letting them both settle before he told her of the white room and Malachi.  Tears streamed down his face.  At his side, he heard Charlie’s sobs.  When he finished, he took her in his arms and let her cry on his chest.  By the time she finished, his shirt was wet.  She mumbled, “Sorry,” as she tugged at his shirt.  Her simple gesture broke the tension, and Cas chuckled.  Charlie raised her head to look up at the angel.  “How can you laugh after that?”

“Because I am here.  I am free.  I have my family back, and you have an uncanny ability to make me laugh.”  Letting her go, Cas stood up and pulled her to her feet.  They walked along the rocky trail until they reached the sand.  Charlie kept up a running commentary as they went.  Time passed quickly, and they found themselves near the school.  They heard the laughter of the children, and Cas drifted closer.  He overheard the teacher discussing the use of math in engineering.  An idea came to mind and without thinking he entered the building with Charlie hot on his heels.

 

Out on the boat, the ocean was calm and the fishing was incredible.  There had barely been a minute to spare between bites.  It left little time for Sam to harass Dean with questions.  With everything that had gone on over the last eight weeks, there had been little time for one of Sam’s famous chick-flick conversations.  There were a couple moments over the previous two weeks where Sam had tried to corner him, but the cabin was simply too crowded and interruptions happened.  Dean could sense Sam’s eagerness and his frustration.  After he hauled in another fish, he finally relented and went to sit next to his brother.  Sam smiled ruefully at him.  “Are you done avoiding me?”

“Whatever Sammy.  Just ask your questions.”

“I’m not trying to torture you.”  Sam winced when he saw Dean blanch at his word choice.  “Sorry.”  Dean tipped his head and gestured for Sam to continue.  “Okay, I was wondering how you and Cas are doing.”

“Good.”

“Well, that’s informative.”

“I answered your question,” smirked Dean.

Sam heaved an annoyed sigh.  “What I meant was your living situation?  You haven’t lived with anyone since…”

“You can say her name.  It’s been a long time.  Besides this is different then what I had with Lisa.”

His words were met with silence as Sam frowned.  Dean shook his head.  “It’s not that complicated, Sam.  I was in an awful place when I went to live with Lisa.  I cared for her and wanted to give family life a try, but I wasn’t in love with her.”  Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “Not like how…”  The rest of his words got stuck in his throat.

“Not like how you love Cas?” asked Sam.  Dean opened his eyes to stare at his brother.  “It’s okay to say it Dean.  You’ve been in love with Cas for years.  In fact, it’s probably why you couldn’t make it work with Lisa.”

Dean wanted to protest, but it would have been a lie.  Coming to terms with his feelings for Cas had made him analyze their years together.  The bond they shared was always there, and it had morphed into love very early on, even if Dean could not face it.  Living with Lisa was a balm to his pain, but it did not fill the space that belonged to the angel.  He felt Sam’s eyes on him and decided to appease him.  “Yeah, it wasn’t fair to either her or Ben that I didn’t understand my own feelings.”

“And now?”

“Sam, come on,” snapped Dean.

“Why is this so hard for you?  You have slept with Cas every night since we found him.  You barely leave each other’s sides.  I just want to know how you’re doing with all that.  It’s not your norm.”

At that, Dean burst out laughing.  “It is so outside the norm, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.  Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge learning curve for both of us.  We are both stubborn assholes at times, but I think being alone now will help.  It was hard when we were all crowded together.  Having our own space makes it feel more real.”  Sam stared at Dean with admiration.  It made Dean squirm.  “Stop looking at me like that.  It’s bad enough when Cas does it.  I don’t need my snot nosed little brother to do it, too.”

“I’m sorry if my being happy for you makes you uncomfortable.  This last year has been…”  Sam trailed off, unable to put words to the difficulties of the past year.

Dean had no such qualms.  “It’s been really fucking awful.”

“That about sums it up.  So you need to give us some slack and let us be happy for you.  And for Cas.”  Dean nodded and then looked away.  As he did, he realized they were coming into the dock.  He spotted a flurry of activity to his left.  Down the beach there was a crowd gathered.  They were too far away to figure out what was happening, but as soon as the boat was tied off, Sam and Dean took off across the beach.  As they neared, they spotted a familiar figure surrounded by a mob of children.  Charlie was on her knees in the sand while Cas directed the kids in a myriad of tasks.  When they reached the edge of the crowd, their mouths fell open at the breath-taking sight.  The size and scope of the sand castle before them was unbelievable.  In fact, calling it a sand castle was a disservice. 

Several people were holding architectural plans.  A large white board stood off to one side.  It was covered in equations and graphs.  Just as Dean was about to ask a question, Cas stepped up to the board and started talking.  Dean’s jaw dropped open as he said, “Is he fucking teaching?”

“Language, Dean,” scolded Charlie.  “And yes, he is and he is effing good at it.”  Dean stared at her and then looked at Sam.  His brother shrugged and then dropped to his knees next to Charlie.  The red-head smiled at Sam before looking up.  With a wink, she said, “Sit down Dean and watch your angel.”

And he did.  For the better part of the next hour, he sat enraptured.  Cas commanded attention, but it was his passion which kept everyone spellbound.  He espoused the wonders of the ancient world and talked about the earliest mathematicians.  He directed and cajoled the kids to think bigger and try harder.  With each new achievement, he praised them wholeheartedly.  It was one of the most amazing hours of Dean’s life.  As they walked back to their house, he told Cas precisely that, and the angel gave him a shy smile.  “I enjoyed it.”

“I could tell,” said Dean.

“I think I want to do it again.”

“What build a giant village out of sand?”

Castiel ducked his head as he blushed.  “Not only that.  I want to teach, Dean.”

Dean linked their hands together. “Then that is what you should do.” 


	59. Too Much Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 200 kudos! Thanks for the support. Here is a chapter with a bit of fun.

The next weeks were sheer torture for Dean.  Everyone seemed to settle into life on the island while he floundered.  Finding his place was taking more effort than he expected.  He tried a bunch of different avenues.  Everything from fishing to repair work.  He even tried teaching a few times, but he never felt comfortable in the position.  As Sam, Charlie, and Cas filled their days, Dean was left with too much time on his hands.  Pamela tried to engage him and even joined him on a myriad of jobs.  She seemed to revel in the disjointed nature of her life on the island.  Having been a hunter since he was a child and Sam’s caretaker even longer, Dean was simply lost without having to do either.  Being there for Cas filled his nights, but his days were too free.  

And then his angel had to go and make the situation worse.  He decided to dress up for his job and after the night they laid skin to skin, he was no longer self-conscious about his looks.  He left the shower dripping wet and wrapped only in a towel.  Dean found himself scampering from the room on more than one occasion.  Worse, Cas had the audacity to pick up yoga.  Sweaty, bendy Cas was worse than sexy, teacher Castiel.  He was driving Dean to distraction, and the urge to touch and taste weighed on his mind on a constant repeat.  Mornings were just as bad, as Cas was an obsessive cuddler and trying to hide his morning erection from the angel was growing increasingly difficult.  So, not only was he struggling to find his place, he was struggling to hold true to his word. 

_He didn’t need sex_ was a refrain he said to himself throughout his interactions with Cas.  He willed away his arousal, and when he failed at it, he put distance between them.  He tried to make it as discreet as possible, hoping Cas would not notice, or at least not figure out why Dean was scurrying away.  The morning Cas dropped his towel giving Dean full view of his magnificent ass was the last straw.  He immediately excused himself and escaped from their home.  He made his way to Charlie and Pamela’s house.  He found the two women eating breakfast and laughing. 

“What’s up, Dean?” asked Charlie.

“I can’t be there anymore.  I'm going crazy.  He is driving me crazy.”

Pamela’s smile dropped away.  “What does that mean?”

“Aww, shit.  I don’t want to explain again.  Charlie can tell you.  I sorta figured she would have already.”

Smiling wickedly Charlie leaned forward, clearly excited to be sharing this particular information.  “Our little Dean here is having an issue.  And I do mean little Dean specifically.”  

“Fuck me,” sighed Dean.

Both women cackled at his red cheeks and his apropos word choice.  Once Charlie composed herself, she looked at Pamela and said, “And that is what isn’t happening and Dean here isn’t handling it well.”

Dean scowled, “Who said I’d be the one…Never mind this conversation is embarrassing enough without getting into all that.”

“You mean the minutiae of gay sex,” said Pamela with a mischievous smile.

Dropping into a chair, Dean proceeded to bang his forehead onto the table.  “You are not helping.”

“All right, we’ll be serious now.  You can stop smashing your head.”  Charlie patted the back of his neck.  “Have you tried talking to him like I suggested?”

Without lifting his head, Dean muttered, “Nah, what would I even say?”

“The truth,” answered Pamela.

“That after I promised him I didn’t need sex, that just being with him is enough, that now suddenly I can’t control my dick in his presence.  That in the shower I jack off to thoughts of him.  That I have to run away from him so I don’t touch him.”  Dean sat up, his face plastered with a severe expression.  One filled with anguish and disgust.  “What kind of person does that make me?”

Charlie pulled him into a hug as Pamela stood up and rounded the table.  She sat down next to the hunter.  “Dean, no one blames you for finding the man you love attractive.  Cas wouldn’t be upset to learn you are thinking about sex.  And it makes you a person who is respecting your partner’s boundaries even though it is difficult for you.”

The arms around him tightened.  Charlie mumbled into his chest, “Although running out of the room isn’t a long-term solution.  Sooner or later Cas is going to wonder what the hell is wrong with you.”

“Yeah, I know.  Making up excuses is getting harder every day.”  The women burst into laughter again, muttering _harder_ over and over.  “Really, what is with you two?”

“Sorry,” said Charlie between giggles.

Dean pointed at Charlie. “I can see this from Pamela, but you hate talking about male anything.”

“That was before I helped take care of Cas when he was recovering from the accident.”

“Oh,” said Dean unassumingly until realization dawned.  “Oh, Oh, Oh.”  His voice grew louder and more strained on each word.  When Charlie went to speak, Dean held up his hand.  “Yeah, no, I don’t need any details.”  He knew his face was beat red, and that he should bow out gracefully, but he still needed their advice.  He took a deep breath.  “What should I do?”

Over the next fifteen minutes, Pamela and Charlie tried to convince Dean to talk to Cas, but the hunter would not budge.  He reiterated his fears about hurting Cas.  He didn’t want the angel to think he needed sex or feel pressured to do anything.  He didn’t want him to see his weakness.  He had promised to be strong for him.  “I just have to find a way to bury this.”

“If you aren’t going to talk to him about this, then you need to find an outlet.  Maybe you should start an exercise regimen.  Or maybe you could help James and Deborah.  You are the best hunter in the world.”  Charlie smiled widely, and then whacked his arm when he rolled his eyes at her.  “I mean it.  They couldn’t ask for anyone better to help them train new hunters.”

“I don’t know.  Sam is already working with them.  I don’t want to be in the way.”

Pamela stood up and carried her plate to the kitchen.  She leaned on the counter and stared at Dean.  “Why would you even think that?  Of course, you wouldn’t be in the way.  Sam doesn’t spend that much with them.  He is helping Marta update the library.”

Dean ran his hand over his face.  “Yeah, I guess he mentioned that the other night.”

“So, you see they could use your help.  Think about it at least,” said Charlie with a small smile.

“Yeah, okay.”  Dean stood up and waved as he walked out onto the beach.  He took the long way back to the house hoping Cas was gone, and then he berated himself for that very thought.  The angel deserved better than he was offering lately.  As he spotted the house and the lone figure on the deck, he smiled.  No matter what, knowing Cas was near still made him happy.  He walked a little more quickly, and soon Cas spotted him.  The angel stepped forward and met him at the stairs.  “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas.”

Cas stared at Dean intently, studying him with a sharpness in his blue eyes.  “Why did you leave so quickly?  You didn’t even say good-bye.”

Dean noted the sadness in Cas’ gruff voice.  A stab of guilt hit him as he said the partial truth, “I went to talk to Charlie and Pamela.”  The angel furrowed his brow and bit his bottom lip.  The action made Dean take notice of the swollen lip.  He had clearly been biting it while Dean was gone.  Without thinking, the hunter reached up and traced his finger along the lip.  He gave it a gentle press and Cas finally released it.  Traces of blood remained on his teeth and on the cracked lip.  At the sight, Dean whispered, “Heal it.”

Dean felt the warmth of Cas’ grace on his finger which still lingered on the abused flesh.  Cas smiled ruefully at Dean.  “It seems to be a bad habit I picked up.”

“I am familiar with those.  Pretty hard to get rid of them.  I’ll just keep reminding you.”

“Okay,” whispered Cas as he locked eyes with Dean.  The silent exchange was fraught with worry and questions. 

Stepping closer, Dean slid his arms around the angel.  “There is nothing to worry about.”  Castiel did not look convinced so Dean reassured him.  “Everything is fine.”  Dean could sense the angel’s desire to verbalize his unease and his questions, but the hunter didn't want to lie, and he did not feel prepared to tell the truth.  So, he asked his own question, diverting their conversation.  “What is on your agenda today?”  Dean saw the moment Cas decided to let it go and allow the subject change.  He gave the angel his most charming smile. 

“I don’t have anything planned.”

“Good.”  Dean grabbed his hand and pulled him into the house.  “Get your swimsuit and I’ll pack us some food.  Sammy’s been bugging me about going out to the reef and today sounds like the perfect day for it.”

Cas walked into the bedroom alone, and yelled over his shoulder, “I thought he was with Marta and Shadiya today.”

“Yeah, well.  Those two could use a break from all their work, too.  We'll just make them come with us.”

 

By the time they reached the dock, a small crowd had gathered.  Word had obviously spread that the resident angel was finally going out on a boat.  Several children begged to join them.  Over the course of the last weeks, Dean observed many of Cas’ interactions with the kids, and he knew the answer was yes well before Cas acquiesced.  For a once hard-ass angel of the lord, he was a complete push-over in the face of a bunch of smiling, pleading children.  It took another half hour to acquire the necessary gear for the additional people, and then they were finally heading out to sea. 

Dean soon learned why Cas had avoided it for so long.  The last time Cas had been on a boat was when he crash landed on a trawler after blasting himself and five angels away.  At first, Cas fidgeted in his seat and would not explain his apprehension.  It was only when Dean pulled him far from the others that Cas felt comfortable talking about it. 

“You know I didn’t particularly like riding in cars at first either.  I like being in control of my movements and boats move wherever the hell they want.”

“Cas, you aren’t usually one for exaggeration.”

Shivering slightly, the angel said, “Well, I guess I was due.  I figure we’re on a boat about to fish and fishing seems to be prone to tall tales.”

A burst of laughter erupted from Dean.  “Yeah, that’s true.  Is it more about not being in control or is it about the bad memory?”

“A bit of both.  I will be fine.  I'm already getting used to the motion.”

The chatter of voices drawing closer forestalled anymore discussion.  The children surrounded them and asked Cas to regale them with another one of his stories.  Cas launched into a story about an ancient prophecy and how he accidentally intervened.  Dean laughed at the picture Cas painted.  The time they shared, without the pressures of hunting and world-ending events, was allowing him to really get to know the angel.  He thought he loved Castiel before, but each new glimpse of the man made Dean fall more in love every day. 

When Cas caught his eye, Dean mouthed, “I love you.”  Genuine surprise lit up Cas’ face, followed quickly by a pleased smile and a nod.  He continued his story while keeping his eyes on the hunter.

Arriving at the reef, Dean and Marta helped get the kids suited up and sent them in the water with Sam and Shadiya.  After organizing the remaining gear, Dean turned to talk to Cas.  The angel was standing on the back of the boat.  The muscles of his back flexed as he lifted his arms above his head and dove into the water.  Dean raced to the back of the boat, spotting Castiel.  The angel was still under water, slicing through the sea in fluid movements.  When he finally surfaced, he grinned up at Dean. 

“Enjoying yourself or just showing off?” teased Dean.

A wave of water pulled in near Cas before surging up, lifting the angel out of the water.  In a flash, the wall of water moved Castiel to within feet of the boat.  A tendril broke off and reached out toward Dean. 

Dean rolled his eyes and said, “What is with you and all these water shows?  Did you not get to play enough as a wee angel?”  Before he finished speaking, the tendril turned into a large hand and pulled Dean off the boat.  By this point, they had an audience.  Everyone had abandoned the reef to watch their antics.  Cheers erupted as Dean was engulfed by the wave.  He could hear the sound of his brother’s laughter.  He glared at Cas as the water receded from his chest.  Castiel smiled wickedly.  “What are you going to do?” sputtered Dean.

Turning to their audience, Cas called out, “Any suggestions?”

Sam's voice rang loud and clear as he said, “He always wanted to swim with the dolphins.”

Dean scowled at his brother and yelled, “That’s a damn lie, Sammy.”  When he turned back to Cas, he realized he was contemplating Sam’s suggestion.  “No, Cas.  Don’t even think about it.”

“It sounds like fun.  I have never experienced that.”  Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him close.

Struggling to free himself, Dean whispered, “You do that.  Just leave me here.”

“There is no need to be afraid.  I will take care of you.”  The tenderness and surety in Cas’ voice had Dean nodding without conscious thought.  Everything after that happened in a blur.  One minute he was in Cas’ arms, the next he was in the water next to Sam surrounded by a pod of dolphins.  Before them, Castiel seemed to be speaking with the dolphins.  Sam and Dean looked at each other with raised eyebrows.  Movement at their back drew their attention.  Shadiya was gathering all the kids together and directing them to climb back onto the boat.  After making their way up the ladder, they sat down along the edge of the boat to watch. 

As Castiel swam over to Dean and Sam, the show began.  The dolphins performed a choreographed show of flips, leaps, and twists.  The kids gasped, cheered, and clapped with abandon.  The sheer joy of the moment touched the hunters, and they found themselves joining in on the enthusiasm.  By the end, Cas’ expression became a mixture of pride and sheepishness.  Dean leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Not sure how you pull that off.”

“It was not hard.  Dolphins are naturally friendly and are highly intelligent.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“Then what did you mean?” Cas said as he turned to face Dean.

Dean gave him a cheeky smile.  “I meant.  How you can look both proud and embarrassed at the same time.”  Cas’ cheeks immediately flushed a dark crimson.  “So Sunshine, that cocky show off from before was just an act.”

The deep chuckle from their right made them both turn abruptly.  The sight of Sammy laughing as dolphins nosed and nudged at him brought a huge smile to Dean’s face.  Spotting Cas watching them, Dean swam back over to the angel.  “That was awesome.”

Cas made a barely discernible noise and shifted in the water.  As one the dolphin pod turned to face the angel, they bobbed once, and then they were gone.  “It was,” he agreed as he watched the horizon.  Dean placed his hand on Cas’ shoulder and squeezed.  He looked up at the eager faces on the boat.  “Whose ready to explore the reef?”

Hands shot in the air and shouts of ‘I am’ filled the air.  Dean climbed into the boat while Sam waited in the water.  It did not take long before the water was churning with swimming bodies.  Castiel and Sam helped point out different species, and Shadiya made sure the children did not touch the coral.  Dean watched the proceedings from the boat while carrying on a conversation with Marta.  There was a moment in which Dean saw something in Sam’s eyes that had him inhaling sharply. 

“Ah you see it, too.”

“Yeah, um.  I’m not sure how I missed it before.”  Staring at Shadiya and Sam, he leaned closer to Marta and said, “She’s too young for him.”

Marta tipped her head back and laughed.  “Dean, they are the same age.”

“Either she looks incredibly young or Sam just looks old as shit.”

Sitting up, Marta faced Dean.  “I see Castiel has neglected to explain a few things to you.  You should ask him to explain.”

“Or you could just tell me.”

The stoic woman cracked a large grin.  “I could, but I won’t.”  She gently tapped his hand.  “I think it’s time to call them in,” she said while staring at the sky.  A bank of dark clouds was moving quickly. 

“Yup, it’s time.”  Dean whistled loudly and gestured to Sam.  Everyone was loaded on the boat, and it was turned for home within minutes.  They made it to shore just as the sky opened up with heavy rain.  By the time, Dean and Cas made it home they were soaked.  Laughing, they stumbled onto the porch and watched the storm. 


	60. Where Do I Fit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is life on the island the answer?

It had been almost two months since they came to the island.  Weeks of fishing, cooking, doing repairs, and more often than not relaxation.  After docking the boat and delivering the catch of the day, Sam and Dean separated.  Sam went off to whatever nerdy pursuit he was interested in this week, and Dean went to find Castiel.  It was not a difficult search.  Cas spent most of his days teaching, either inside or outside the classroom.  Walking up to the school, Dean heaved a sigh at the thought of the angel.  Professor Cas was a revelation for Dean.  He was sexy, intimidating, and adorable all at the same time.  Wandering down the hall, he heard the angel’s commanding voice.  It brought an unbidden smile to his lips.  He slipped into the back of the room, keeping his eyes on the figure at the front.  Dressed in black slacks, a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a snug black and red vest, Cas was gorgeous.  Dean focused on the object of his desire until one of the kids asked a question.  It was a pretty basic question, but Cas gave it his full attention.  He smiled kindly as he leaned back onto the desk.  He talked with passion and displayed a certain level of joy at the follow-up questions being hurled at him. 

Suddenly, pain radiated across Dean’s chest.  He stared at the scene in front of him.  At the man smiling from ear to ear.  Confident and kind.  And it finally hit him.  This was Cas’ element.  This was his calling.  He was happy and fulfilled.  The pain intensified as he realized this was Cas’ home.  This was where he belonged.  Shoving out of his seat quickly, Dean banged his leg into the desk as he stood up.  He rushed from the room, trying to catch his breath.  Heaving, he exited the school and stumbled down the road.  He did not hear the sound of pounding feet behind him.  He didn’t notice the hand reaching out for him until it gripped his arm.  He stopped at the touch.  It took several moments for him to realize it was Charlie standing at his side, pleading with him.

“Dean, what happened?”

He stared at the frightened red-head and tried to find the words to explain.  “I saw Cas.  And he looked so right.”

Charlie frowned at him.  “And?”

“And he's happy here.  This place.  His job.  I just never thought he would…”  Dean trailed off overcome with sadness.

“You are not making any sense.  Isn’t it good that he’s happy?”

Dean shook his head and pulled at his hair.  “Yeah, of course.  I want him to be happy.  I just didn’t realize it would be here.  This was supposed to be a vacation.  Time to recover.  I never thought it would be home.  What am I supposed to do here?  I am a hunter, Charlie.  I can’t stay here.”

The expression Charlie gave him was filled with anger and sadness.  “So what?  You just run away again.  Bullshit Dean.  Cas wants to be with you.  If you aren’t happy here, he wouldn’t ask you to stay.  He will leave if you ask.”

Throwing his hands up, Dean stomped away from Charlie.  “And that’s the problem.  He will go where I ask whether it makes him happy or not.  He would give up all this for what?  For a guy who can’t be happy unless he’s in danger.  For a guy who wants a drink and a quick and dirty fuck.”  The gasp behind him froze Dean in his place.  Ice filled his veins at the pained sound in the voice he loved to distraction.

“You want…”

Dean turned to face Castiel.  There was pain in his eyes, raw and naked.  “Fuck, Cas.  It’s not what…”  He stopped himself from continuing because he couldn’t lie to the angel.  “Let’s not have this conversation here.  Can we go back to the house and talk?”

Cas closed the distance between them and grabbed Dean’s arm.  In a flash, they were back at their house.  “A little warning would have been nice Cas, and ya know saying goodbye to Charlie.”

“Charlie will understand.  And besides you gave me no warning about how you were feeling.”

Backing away, Dean stumbled against the table.  He rubbed his leg absently as he walked toward the bedroom.  He took in his surroundings.  Their home was beautiful.  The island was beautiful.  The people were kind and funny.  Life was good here, and yet Dean felt lost much of the time.  He knew he was alone in this feeling.  Cas was settled and happy.  How could Dean possibly explain the issue when he didn’t understand it himself?  He stopped next to their bed and said, “I don’t know how I’m feeling.”

“Living here doesn’t satisfy you.  You made that clear when you were yelling at Charlie.  You obviously want to fuck someone.  Although it appears that someone is not me since you hardly lay a hand on me.”

Dean bit his tongue before he lashed out with words he could not take back.  He tried to compose himself and formulate an answer, but Cas did not wait him out.  Instead, the angel said, “I thought you were happy.  I thought we were happy.  Every time I think I understand this world, understand humanity, I am proven wrong.  I am a fool.”

“What the fuck?  I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Begin with why you want to leave.”

“I didn’t say I wanted to leave.”  Leaning down, he grabbed the bag sticking out from under the bed.  “I just need time to think.”

Resigned, Cas said, “I understand.”  With a solemn expression, Cas walked to the bathroom.  He emerged mere seconds later.  Dean gasped at the sight.  The angel was dressed in his old suit and trench coat, complete with backwards tie.  Before Dean could speak, Cas was gone.  Dean stared at the space where the angel disappeared and then looked down at the bag in his hands. Realization dawned and he dropped to the bed.  He laid back and shut his eyes in disgust.  After berating himself for several minutes, he sat up, shoved the bag back under the bed, and grabbed his car keys.

The rumble of Baby’s engine soothed his nerves.  He pulled out onto the main road and drove until the end.  He looked out over the ocean, watching the waves crash on the rocks below him.  The intensity of the surf took his breath away.  This was not the quiet tranquil place he remembered from his previous visits.  It was as if the ocean was reflecting the turmoil of his emotions.  With that thought, he quickly got in the car and drove.  He took every spur whether paved or not.  He drove to every end of the island and could not escape what he had done.  He could not find peace anywhere.  Giving up, he parked the car and walked along the beach.  He found himself sitting at the beachfront bar and grill, staring into a glass of whiskey.  He didn’t lift his gaze even when he felt someone sit at his side.

“Have you drank anything yet?”

Dean shook his head.  The glass was taken from his hand and Pamela downed the drink.  “Good,” she said as she slammed the glass on the wooden bar.  “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking this is who I am.”

“Really?  That’s your explanation.”

“Fuck if I know.  I just ran off the best thing that ever happened to me so maybe this is what I deserve.”

Pamela scoffed, “You really are a sorry sonuvabitch sometimes.  Castiel will never leave you.  No matter what crap you pull.  Believe me we tried to get him to give up on you.”

At those words, Dean turned to face the psychic, his mouth open in shock.  The smirk on her face made him roll his eyes.  She chuckled, “I thought that would get your attention.”  Smacking his shoulder, she said, “What are you going to do to fix whatever it is you think you did?’

The rambling question brought a smile to the hunter’s face. Once he schooled his expression, he said, “Take Bobby’s advice.”  As Pamela turned back to the bar to order them some food, Dean drifted into a memory.  It was early morning on the day they were set to head to the island.  The sun was barely peaking above the horizon and Bobby had awoken Dean and pulled him from the house.  Dean knew the discussion was important when the old hunter took off down the road without his morning coffee.  There was a seriousness to Bobby’s tone when he implored Dean to listen.  He told the younger man about his life with Karen and the mistakes he made.  The wedge he drove between them when their goals did not match.  He explained the pain he caused the woman he loved. 

He heard the gruff voice.  “Running and hiding are never the solution.  You love that angel and he is your future.  Don’t make the mistakes I made.  Don't shut him out.  Stick it out.  No matter how hard it gets.  Talk to him.  Listen to him.  Learn from each other.”  Bobby had stopped walking and turned to face Dean.  The sun was glinting through the trees and lighting the space around Bobby’s head.  Dean almost laughed at the sight of Bobby with a halo, but the pain in the man’s eyes had him swallowing it down.  “You have a chance at a different life, Dean.  You are not only a hunter and a brother.  You need to remember that and learn to accept that or you will lose him.”

His eyes raked over the bar and the image of the old hunter faded even as the words lingered.  Dean shook his head in frustration.  “He knew exactly how dumb I would be when it came to this shit.”

A soft hand reached out and held his calloused one.  “Loving someone is hard.  Sharing your life with them is harder.  Which explains why Jesse wasn’t forever.”  Dean smiled at the mention of her tattoo.  “He and I weren’t meant to be.  Our relationship wasn’t worth the effort required, but you and Cas.  Now that is an otherworldly kinda love.  You can’t quit on that or you will never forgive yourself.”

“I fuckin’ know that here.”  Dean pointed at his chest.  “But up here,” he said pointing at his head, “I have all these doubts.  What I want more than anything is for him to be happy?  What if I can’t make him happy?”

“You can’t.”  Dean reeled back as if slapped.  “Don’t look at me like that.  It’s true.  You can’t make him happy.  Anymore than he can make you happy.  I know you understand what I’m saying.”

“Yeah. We are all responsible for our own happiness.  Blah, blah, blah or some shit like that.” 

Shaking her head in exasperation, Pamela took his face in her hands.  “Now that you understand and can see the error of your ways, get that sexy ass home and talk to the love of your life.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Okay.”

 

Dean walked briskly until he reached the car.  He got in the Impala and slowly drove back to the house.  Feeling as if he was heading to the gallows.  He dragged his feet across the sand, but as soon as he reached the porch he bolted into the house.  The overwhelming scent of blood drew him straight to the bedroom.  What he found had him in full-panic mode.  Cas was sprawled over the bed with torn clothes and covered in blood.  Dean's breathing grew ragged and his knees gave out.  He gripped the side of the bed as he slid to the floor.  The sound of Castiel’s steady deep voice eased some of his fear.  “I’m fine, Dean.  It’s only a few cuts and bruises.  The other guys suffered much worse.”

Unable to comprehend or respond to that statement, Dean reached for the phone.  With a brief conversation and assurances from Meg, Dean hung up and returned his attention to Cas.  “Where the hell did you go?  What happened?”

“James and his team were hunting a nest of vampires, and I decided to take care of it for them.  There was no need for them to risk their lives when I could take care of it.  Besides, now you can see that I am willing and able to hunt at any time.”

Dean got to his feet and sat on the bed next to Castiel.  He reached out and ran his fingers through the angel’s hair.  The spark of their bond was instantaneous.  “That is not what I want, Cas.  I don’t want you to be a soldier unless it is what you want.  And I don’t need a drink or a quick fuck.  I was scared, and I fell into old thoughts and said shit I didn’t mean.”  Cas did not look convinced so Dean continued, “After you left I drove around the island, followed every road.  Do you remember when I made you watch _Lilo and Stitch_?  It was like when Stitch drove around and couldn’t find an outlet for his need to destroy.  I have this itch I can’t scratch.  And it scares me because you are so happy here, and I don’t know if I can be.”

Cas smiled at the hunter.  “I am happy, but it isn’t just this place.  I am happy with my life, and you are the biggest part of my life.  I don’t want to be somewhere we can’t both be happy.”  Sitting up, Cas pulled Dean into a tight hug.  “I never thought we would stay here and make it our home.  I have a home.  I have a garden and my bees.  We all have lives back there.  Don’t get me wrong, being here has been good for me, but not in the way you are thinking.”  Leaning back, Cas caught Dean’s eyes.  They were filled with hope and confusion.  “It has shown me a path forward.  I want to teach.  I am good at it and it is fulfilling in a way I never experienced before.  Does that make sense?”

Dean gave Cas a radiant smile which the angel returned.  It sent a shiver through his body and made his cheeks heat up.  “Cas, what…”  Before Dean could finish his question, they heard Meg’s sharp, sarcastic voice.  “Masochistic angel and his God complex.” 

As Dean turned to see the demon stomping her way into their bedroom, he burst out laughing.  “What the hell are you wearing?”

“Shut up,” snapped Meg.  “It wasn’t my idea to wear pink scrubs covered in teddy bears.  For some reason, this abomination is what the other nurses voted for.” 

Castiel gave Meg a beaming smile and said, “You look nice, Meg.  How is work going?”

“I think I preferred working in the psych ward.  At least most of the time you were comatose and didn’t bug me.”  She grinned ruefully at the angel.  He didn’t take the bait and so she sighed as she said, “Working with kids is exhausting, but re…” She mumbled the last word and neither Dean or Cas understood. 

“But what?” asked Dean.

Rolling her eyes, she grumbled, “Rewarding.”

“I told you, you would like it.”

“No one likes a know-it-all, Clarence.  Now shut up and explain why you aren’t healing?”  She started cleaning his wounds before he answered.  He shuffled uncomfortably under her scrutiny.  “Any day now?”

Sighing Cas side-eyed Dean as he said, “I may have taken on a few more vampires than I anticipated.  And was forced to use a bit more grace than I wanted.”

“How many is this few more?” asked Dean angrily.

“Um…thirty,” mumbled Cas.

“What the fuck, Cas?  How does that even happen?”

“It happens when you stumble on a vampire meeting.”

Meg shook her head.  “You are somethin’ else, my little tree-topper.”  She rubbed his shoulder.  “That’s all I can do.  I will leave you two alone so Dean here can set you straight.”  She turned to stare at Dean as she said harshly, “And you better set him straight.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” snarked Dean.

 


	61. Let's Talk About Sex

As soon as Meg was gone, Dean sat down on the bed.  Her words reverberated in his head.  She was right in many ways.  Cas always threw himself into danger, never thinking of the consequences.  He often put himself on the front lines to protect those he loved.  Dean, however, disagreed with one of her conclusions.  Cas did not have a god-complex.  It was the opposite really.  He didn't think he was as worthy as those he protected.  The angel thought his life was worth sacrificing for the sake of others. 

“You can’t keep doing shit like that.  There was no reason for you to go on that hunt.”

Pushing himself into a sitting position, Cas leaned against the headboard, eyes glued to Dean.  Sadness laced his words, “I just couldn’t stay here and watch you walk away.  I thought this time I would go and maybe that would be easier.”

“Cas, I wasn’t going….”

The angel cut him off angrily.  “I saw the bag, Dean.”

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation.  “I knew that’s what you thought.  The bag was sticking out, and I got my foot tangled in it.  If you had stuck around instead of flying off, I could have explained that to you.  Instead, you jumped to conclusions and took off.”

“Can you blame me after what you said to Charlie?  It’s not like it would be the first time you up and left.”

The bed shifted as Dean stood.  His first instinct was to lash out about Cas being the one that left, but he tempered that thought.  He paced the room as he tried to find the right words.  He lifted his head to glance at Cas with every pass.  The angel sat quietly waiting.  Dean let that knowledge ease some of his tension.  “I wasn’t leaving Cas.  I wouldn’t do that to you.  Not now.  Not anymore.  I was afraid.”  He looked at Cas imploring him to understand.

Cas stood up and walked across the room and stood in Dean’s personal space.  “You mentioned that before.  What are you afraid of?” 

A wave of nausea had swept over Dean as Cas moved closer.  He tried to ignore it and listen to Castiel.  He wanted to answer his question, but he couldn’t focus.  Not when the angel smelled like blood.  “I will answer all your questions, but first you have to change out of those clothes.”  Cas followed Dean’s gaze as the hunter raked his eyes over the bloody shirt and pants.  Nodding, the angel stepped back and removed the shirt.  When his hands reached for his belt buckle, Dean turned and went to the dresser.  He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt.  As he heard the belt hit the floor, he asked, “Do you need clean boxers?” 

“Yes, Dean.”

Digging in the drawer, Dean heard Cas walk to the bathroom.  The shower turned on as he pulled out a pair of black boxer briefs.  He waited until he heard the shower door shut before entering the room and leaving the clothes on the counter.  “I’ll be just outside if you need anything.”

Before he even made it two steps, Cas said, “Dean, can you really not be happy unless you are in danger?”

“I said a lot of things I didn’t mean.  I was upset and Charlie was pushing me, so I lashed out.”

The shower cracked open and Castiel’s head popped out.  “You didn’t answer the question.”

“That’s because it doesn’t have an easy answer.  I think I could, but I don’t know.  I mean we were on that road before you were taken.  I was sober and working a regular job.  But at the time there was still so much left unsaid between us.  We weren’t at the best place with each other.”

Cas had watched Dean as he spoke, and only when he finished did he pull his head back into the shower.  “We weren’t in a bad place either.”

“I know that.  It’s why your question was hard to answer.  I think it’s possible for me to be happy without danger, but I haven’t experienced it yet.”  Cas’ loud gasp made Dean drop down onto the toilet seat.  Agonizingly, Dean said, “Cas.”

At first, Cas remained silent.  Just as Dean went to stand up and leave, Cas said, “You were never happy here?”

“I have been happy at times, but I have also been frustrated and antsy.”

The shower shut off, and the fluffy white towel disappeared over the top of the shower door.  “And you are antsy because you aren’t hunting?” Cas said as he opened the shower door and looked out.

The word antsy sounded strange coming from Castiel’s mouth, and Dean could practically hear the air quotes.  For a second, he was too distracted to answer.  He shook his head, “No…yes,” he hedged.  The angry look he received from Cas made him take a deep breath before attempting to clarify.  “I mean yes a part of me misses hunting, and sometimes I’m not sure how well I fit in here, but that’s not why I am antsy.  It’s because of you.”

“I don’t understand.  What have I done?”

Dean smiled weakly.  “You haven’t done anything but be yourself.  And that is the problem.”  Seeing the pain in Cas’ eyes, he quickly added, “Please don’t jump to conclusions until I explain myself.”  Cas nodded, and Dean continued.  “It is no secret that I am attracted to you.  I mean we have discussed it pretty openly.  I guess I just didn’t realize how it would affect me when we are in such close quarters.  We are always in each other’s personal space, often not fully dressed.  I am having a very hard time keeping my hands to myself, and I hate myself for it.”  A single tear leaked out of the corner of Dean’s eye.  He wiped it away aggressively.  “I hate that I can’t trust myself around you.”

Opening the shower door with the towel wrapped low on his hips, Cas said, “I trust you.”

Closing his eyes, Dean waved at Cas’ half naked body.  “This is what I am talking about.”  Dean’s body was rigid with tension.

“I’m going to go out and get dressed.  Why don’t you go out to the kitchen and get us something to drink?  I’ll meet you out there.”  Before Dean could answer, Cas left the bathroom.  Pushing himself off the toilet, Dean sighed and followed him out.  He refused to look in the angel’s direction as he fled the bedroom in a rush. 

As he filled the kettle with water, he tried to keep his mind off the impending conversation.  He busied himself with pulling out the tea and two cups.  Cas emerged from the bedroom as he was shuffling the items on a tray.  “Um…why don’t you sit on the couch?  I’ll be right in.”  The angel grinned at him before heading to the couch. 

As Dean entered the living room with the tray, he said, “I never thought I would be a tea drinker, but…”  He set the tray down in front of Cas and shrugged as he took a seat.  “Don’t get me wrong, I still prefer coffee.”

“I know, Dean.  As do I.”  Cas picked up his cup and leaned back into the cushions.  “Why don’t you trust yourself?”

Turning to face Cas, Dean set his untouched cup of tea onto the tray.  “Because I’m afraid I’ll pressure you or hurt you.”

“Have you pressured others into sex?”

The color drained from Dean’s face.  “Why would you…No, of course not,” he stammered. 

Ignoring the first part of Dean’s answer, Cas said, “Then why would you think you would do that to me?”

The question threw Dean for a second.  He searched his own mind for a reason and painful memories surfaced.  “Because we tend to hurt each other Cas.  We beat the shit out of each other on more than one occasion.”

“That is different,” said Cas indignantly.   The angel set his cup down and reached out for Dean.  He softened his tone as he caressed the back of Dean’s hand.  “Those were special circumstances.  Violence is part of our life, but it doesn't have to touch every part of our lives."

“No, I suppose it doesn't.  But Cas I made you a promise.  I told you I didn’t need it, but I can’t stop thinking about it.  I can’t stop wanting you.”

Cas chuckled as he squeezed Dean’s hand.  “I don’t want you to stop wanting me.  Do you think I don’t think about it?  I am not the only one walking around half-dressed in this house.  You come back sweaty and shirtless most days, and all I can think about is touching you.”  He paused and his expression grew sad.  “When you started to pull away, I didn’t know what had changed.  It scared me.”

“I should have listened to Charlie.”  At Cas’ raised eyebrow, Dean added, “She told me to talk to you.  Warned me that pulling away was a bad solution.”

“Why didn’t you listen to her?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.  I was embarrassed that...”  He blushed as his voiced faded away.

Cas pulled Dean closer and whispered, “That you were horny.”  The angel’s breath washed over Dean’s lips making him inhale sharply.  “Fuck, Cas.  You can’t just say shit like that.”  Cas leaned back to stare into Dean’s eyes.  The want in the angel’s blue eyes stunned Dean to the point he forgot to breathe.  When he finally did, the breath was ragged.  

“Shh, Dean.”  Cas rubbed his fingers along Dean’s jawline.  “You aren’t going to run away from me anymore.  You aren’t going to be embarrassed or scared of wanting me.”  Dean stared back at Cas wide-eyed and unsure so Cas added, “Do you understand, Dean?”  The hunter managed to mumble his assent before Cas closed the distance between them.  The kiss was sweet and languid until Dean moaned.  Cas immediately deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue into Dean’s mouth.  The hunter opened to him eagerly as he tangled his hand in the angel’s hair.  Dean felt Cas tug him closer, without a second thought he straddled his lap.  He let his weight settle onto Cas and rutted up against him.  For a moment, he lost himself in the sensation of the hard cock pressed against his ass.  Then the whole situation shifted as Cas went rigid below him.  Dean practically jumped off his lap.  If Cas had not held him tightly, he would have careened to the floor.  A shaky deep voice halted Dean’s movement.  “Don’t go.  Just let me figure this out.”  As he waited, Dean tried to lift his weight off Cas’ body.  He wanted to give the man room to breathe.  The issue with their current position hit both of them at the same time. Cas loosened his grip, and Dean lifted up, putting all his weight on his knees.

“Okay, Cas.  I am not leaving.  I am just going to sit next to you.”  He held firm to Cas’ hand as he shifted to his side.  “I don’t think you’re ready to be pinned under someone.” 

Castiel nodded but did not speak as he climbed into Dean’s lap.  Once he was straddling Dean's thighs, he whispered, “But I will gladly pin you under me.”  At those words, Dean’s flagging erection reignited.  He looked up into Castiel’s intense blue eyes.  He did not see fear, only determination and want.  He returned the look as he captured Cas’ lips in an aggressive kiss.  They rocked their bodies together.  Each experiencing something brand new.  The feel of his cock rubbing against Castiel’s, even through their pants, was driving Dean crazy.  It was a whole new sensation, and Dean let himself get lost in it.  Cas was no better.  As the angel rocked in Dean’s lap, his rhythm faltered.  “Dean, I want…need…” he stuttered.

“Cas whatever you want.”  Dean surged forward and kissed Cas.  Their tongues tangled together, seeking the heat of each other’s mouths.  When he pulled back, Dean saw a change in Cas’ eyes.  There was fear in them.  Making sure not to appear panicked, Dean slowed their movements with a gentle press on Cas’ hips.  He lifted his hands and brought them to Cas’ face.  He caressed him as he said, “Shhh…I’ve got you.  It’s me.  Sunshine, be here with me.”  A small, sad smile lifted the corners of Cas’ mouth.  “Hey, there you are,” said Dean gently.

A shaky hand reached out and touched Dean’s cheek.  “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Hey, hey.  None of that.  You have nothing to be sorry for.  We just got a bit carried away.”

Dropping his eyes and sighing, Cas whispered, “I wanted to get carried away.  I haven’t been able to since…”

“Well, shit.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What was I supposed to say?”

Dean lifted Cas chin and stared at him.  “Tell me about it.  Anything and everything.”  When Cas stayed silent, Dean said, “Please, Cas.  I want to help.”

Sighing Cas bit his lip and then nodded.  “It’s not that I can’t.  At least I assume it’s not that.  It’s more like I stop myself before I get to that point.  Something about ejaculating feels dirty to me after what happened.”

“But you didn’t feel that before the rape.”  Cas shook his head.  “Okay, well that’s good,” said Dean lost in contemplation.  “If I hadn’t stopped us, would you have?”  Cas shrugged dejectedly.  “Cas, that isn’t good enough.  If you are feeling unsafe or afraid, you have to be willing to stop us.  I don’t want you forcing yourself to do this.”  A genuine smile spread across the angel’s face.  “Why are you smiling, Sunshine?”

“Because you just proved that you won’t pressure me.  You stopped us.  Even though I didn’t tell you anything, you knew and you stopped it.”

Blushing, Dean smiled brightly.  “I guess I did.”

Cas leaned forward and kissed Dean gently.  When he pulled back, he said, “I know this didn’t end the way we both wanted, but I think it was a step in the right direction.”

“Yeah, it was,” whispered Dean as he encircled Cas in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear from those of you who have stuck with this story. When I started this, I knew it would be a long story to tell, but I did not imagine it would be over 130,000 words and still counting. Our boys are making progress now, but they still have some more healing to do. The next few chapters are already written and will post as soon as they are edited. Thanks for reading.


	62. Romancing an Angel

There was something amazing about waking up next to Dean.  Every morning Castiel marveled that he slept better next to him and waking was easier and more pleasurable.  The warmth of the body next to him as always calmed his frayed edges.  The concept of sleep was one of the most difficult transitions Cas had faced when he became human.  Dreaming and waking were terrifying in many ways.  The process was simpler now that he was both angel and human, but being next to Dean was what made it a joyous experience.  He smiled down at the man wrapped around him.  He could not resist leaning down and kissing his cheek.  Dean twitched at the contact, and a tiny smile shone at the edges of his mouth.  When Cas kissed him again, the smile grew and was accompanied by a moan. 

“Good morning, Dean.”

“Morning.  Did you sleep okay?”

“I always do with you by my side.”  Dean cracked his eyes open and tipped his head up.  Dean was beautiful in his rumpled, flushed state, and Cas could not resist kissing him again.  “How did you sleep?”

“Like a baby.  I don’t even know how to explain how amazing it is to sleep for a full eight hours.”

Castiel pulled Dean up until their faces were level.  “So, you are sufficiently rested,” teased Cas.

“Yes.  What did you have in mind?”  Dean winked as he licked his lips slowly.

Cas swatted Dean’s ass.  “Not that.”  Dean pouted, and it made the angel chuckle.  “Just because you slept like a baby doesn’t give you permission to act like one.”

“Geez, tell me how you really feel, Cas.”

“I feel like getting up and celebrating the day.  I feel like spending the entire day with you.”  He whacked Dean’s ass again as he said, “So, get your lazy ass out of bed and get ready.”

 

An hour and one delicious Dean Winchester breakfast special later, Dean and Cas were walking hand-in-hand down the beach.  They meandered along, picking up shells, while lost in conversation.  Even when the topic shifted to life off the island, the two remained engaged and patient with each other.  Cas was not ready to go home yet, and Dean took it at face value.  Without a question, he agreed to stay for as long as Cas needed.  He reassured Cas it would not be as difficult now that they were on the same page.  Joy infused the angel’s body the longer they talked.  Even though the previous day had been fraught with anxiety, it had been worth it because something fundamental had changed.  Dean trusted himself, and Cas trusted Dean.  Without reservation.  It was freeing in a multitude of ways, and Cas found himself overcome by renewed energy.  He pulled on Dean’s hand.  Tugging him toward the water.

He took off in a run, dragging Dean along.  The surf engulfed them as they reached the water’s edge.  Cas spun them in a circle and tipped his head back and laughed.  Full bodied and throaty.  When he lowered his head, he found Dean staring at him, eye’s wide in wonder.  Cas reached down and splashed water at the hunter.  Dean snapped out of his reverie and splashed back.  The two men splashed and wrestled until they both fell over.  Tangled together, they tried to stand only to find themselves back in water.  Their laughter engulfed them in the same way the water did.  Cas had never felt more carefree or more loved.  Once they finally stood up, Dean said, “I'll never get tired of hearing you laugh.”

“Nor I you,” said Cas with flushed cheeks and a heaving chest.  “Do you think it can be like this away from here?”

The question sobered Dean’s expression.  His smile fell away and a look of serious contemplation took over.  “Not if we don’t work at it.  If we just go back and pick up our old lives, we won’t have moments like this.”

“Okay.”

“What do you mean, okay?”

“I mean I agree.  We will work at it.”

Dean smiled broadly, “Not like I’ve ever been afraid of work.” 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders.  As he went to kiss the man, he heard Charlie yelling.  He turned to face her.  She was sprinting across the sand with Sam and Pamela in tow.  “You disappeared.  You didn’t call or text.  You left me standing there wondering.  If it wasn’t for these two, I would have been pounding down your door last night.”

As she finished her rant, Sam caught up and said, “Meg didn’t help calm her down when she said you went on a hunt.”  Sam’s eyes dragged over Cas assessing the damage.

“I’m fine, Sam.  It wasn’t my best decision, and I assure you I won’t make that mistake again.”  Cas heard Dean scoff.  He turned his head and glared at Dean.

“What?  It’s not like we don’t all promise shit like that all the time.  And it never stopped us before.”

Sadness swept over Castiel.  “I thought after our conversation this morning things were going to be different.”

“Shit.”  Dean looked at Sam and then at the two women.  “Can you give us a second?”

Pamela tugged on Charlie’s arm when she didn’t move.  “A second, and then I want some answers,” commanded Charlie.

Dean nodded before turning back to Cas.  “Things are going to be different, but that doesn’t mean we won’t screw up.  I don’t want to have too high of expectations.  Ya know?”

“I guess that makes sense.”  Cas’ answer sounded unsure even to himself.  Dean cupped his face and locked their gazes together.  “Cas, we are far from perfect.  We are stubborn, self-sacrificing assholes.  We will screw up, but we will also succeed.”

“I am not an asshole.  Do not lump me in with you,” Cas deadpanned.

Rolling his eyes, Dean traced a finger along Cas’ bottom lip.  Castiel sighed into the touch, and Dean’s breath hitched.  Forgetting their surroundings, the angel stepped into Dean’s space and captured his lips.  Dean’s arms slid over Cas’ shoulders.  One hand entangling in Cas’ hair.  Cas’ hands gripped Dean’s hips as he pulled the man flush against him.  They rocked against each other gently as Cas deepened the kiss.  The sound of a throat clearing made them each pull back.  The wicked smile Cas gave Dean as they separated had the hunter throwing his head back in laughter.  Cas watched his antics for several seconds before he remembered their company.  When he forced his eyes away from Dean, he saw a beet red Sam being poked by Charlie.  Pamela stood next to them with a knowing look on her face.  She winked at Cas before nodding her approval. 

Once Charlie stopped pestering Sam, she said, “So, I guess this means you resolved your issues.”  She pointedly looked at Dean as she finished.

“Yes, Charlie.  We worked it out.”

The red-head’s eyebrows shot up, and her smile turned feral.  “Oh, tell us all about how you worked it out.”

If possible, Sam’s blush darkened even further.  “On that note I am leaving.  Not that I’m not happy for you, but um…you’re my brothers and I…I don’t need to…yeah, I am going to go.”  He stumbled as he backed away. 

Pamela cackled at his clear discomfort.  “Oh, come on Sam.  That was hot.”

Sam nearly fell over as his head snapped around to look at Pamela.  “Not helping,” he whined.

“It’s all right Sam.  Dean and I will try to keep our hands off each other around you.”

“Speak for yourself, Cas” said Dean with a mischievous smirk. 

Not bothering to acknowledge Dean or his comment, Sam made a hasty retreat.  Laughter followed him as he escaped across the sand.  Charlie and Pamela waited until Sam was out of ear shot before addressing Dean and Cas.  Pamela took the lead, trying to reign in Charlie’s vast array of emotions.  “Boys, we just wanted to know that you were safe.  Charlie was terrified when you took off on her.”

Cas turned to fully face Charlie.  “That was all on me.  I was the one who dragged Dean away.  I should have called you.  I’m sorry.”

“I forgive, but don’t do that again,” said Charlie as she whacked the angel’s arm.  Cas smiled at her as he nodded.  “Now, from what we witnessed you two are…getting along.”

Pamela rolled her eyes.  “Charlie that was a bit more than getting along.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Dean looked away from the women.  He caught Cas’ eye.  Returning the smile, Castiel used his sex voice as he said, "Dean and I had a very productive evening.”

“Cas! You know what that sounds like,” said Dean, his voice pitched higher and his cheeks flushed.  The angel stared at Dean with a bemused expression.  Pamela and Charlie were both covering their mouths, trying desperately to contain their laughter.  Dean shook his head as he scowled at them.  “It’s not that funny.”

Charlie dropped her hand.  Through her laughter, she said, “But it’s so typically Cas.  And your face.  You should have seen your face.” 

“Yeah, Yeah.  I’m sure it was hilarious.  Now if you two have nothing else, I am planning on spending the day with my angel.  Alone.”

“Okay.  We don’t have to be told twice.”  Charlie eyed Cas as she continued, “We will leave you two lovebirds alone, but I expect to see you tomorrow for a longer conversation.” 

Pulling the small woman into a tight hug, Cas whispered, “I promise.”

The hug dragged on until Pamela grabbed Charlie by the elbow.  “Let’s go.  You owe me breakfast since you dragged me out of the house before I even had my coffee.”  Charlie followed Pamela, waving over her shoulder as they walked away. 

Sighing heavily, Dean said, “Well that was exhausting.”

“She is a whirlwind, but I think in this case she was due since I did not call her.”  Cas’ voice was filled with remorse.  Dean reached out and pulled him into his arms.  He rubbed circles into his back until the angel relaxed against him.  “I like when you do that," mumbled Cas.

Dean chuckled, “I can tell.”  He held Cas for several more seconds before stepping back.  “Do you have a plan for the day?”

 

As he lay in bed listening to Dean’s soft snores, Castiel snuggled closer as he let his mind drift to their day.  Walking the beach was just the beginning.  Despite demanding the day alone, Cas had no plan.  Dean surprised him by swiftly taking over.  After changing into dry clothes, Dean escorted Cas to the Impala.  As they drove around the island, they held hands.  Dean sang quietly, sneaking glances at Cas along the way.  When they finally stopped, Dean turned up the music and stepped out of the car.  He circled the car and stood waiting for Cas.  Once the angel joined him, Dean took him in his arms and swayed to the music.  He continued to sing to Cas.  It was a side of the hunter Cas had never seen.  The remainder of the day followed a similar pattern.

Somewhere along the way, Dean had arranged a picnic.  They arrived at a secluded area along the beach to find it all laid out before them.  Tears had welled in Cas’ eyes, and Dean wiped them away.  They sat down on the blue checkered blanket, and Dean opened the basket.  The food was simple and fresh.  A variety of breads, cheeses, fruits, and vegetables.  A bottle of fruit infused water was tucked into the side with two fluted glasses.  Dean served the food with shaking hands and a nervous smile.  It was endearing and made the moment all the more special.  Once the food was consumed and the detritus returned to the basket, Cas pushed Dean down and climbed on top of him.

Dean’s hands immediately came to rest at the small of the angel’s back.  Cas lowered himself until he was fully resting on the hunter.  Neither knew who moved first, but the kiss was electric.  All teeth and tongues.  Cas rolled his hips experimentally, and when he received a deep moan in response, he repeated the motion.  Dean gasped out the angel’s name as his hands slid down.  The feeling of those hands cupping his ass sent a shiver down Castiel’s spine.  Pressing down with more force, Cas felt Dean’s body arch into the contact. 

Dean wrenched himself from the kiss as he tried to catch his breath.  Cas tilted Dean’s head back exposing his neck.  He kissed along the flushed skin.  The movement elicited a rapid response from Dean.  He sat up straight and pulled Cas tightly to his body.  He tugged at Cas’ hair, pulling his head up, and kissing him hard.  Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist as strong hands caressed his hips and thighs.  Every touch ignited a fire in Castiel.  He felt a falter in Dean’s motion, and then the body under him bucked up aggressively as Dean cried out.  Cas froze instantly as he watched Dean succumb to his pleasure.  As the hunter came back to him, Cas kissed him gently.  “That was amazing,” he mouthed as he continued to kiss along Dean’s swollen lips.

Dean opened his eyes and stared up at Cas with a sheepish grin.  “I haven’t come in my pants since I was a teenager Cas.”

“I will take that as a compliment.”

“You should.”  Dean’s smile faded away slowly.  “What about you?”

“That was more than I hoped for today.  It was enough for now.”

“You sure?”

Cas smiled broadly.  “I’m sure.”  Dean leaned up and kissed the smile off the angel’s face.  They made out for a short time until Dean began to squirm.  “You need a change of pants.”

“Very observant of you, Angel.”

“Well I am nothing but observant.”

 

Rubbing his hands along Dean’s bare arm, tucked up tight against his back, Cas smiled at the memory of their light-hearted conversation.  There had been no fear, no anxiety in the moment or in its aftermath.  It was the progress Cas had been seeking since he was rescued.  Wanting Dean, touching Dean, kissing Dean.  Receiving the same in return was what he wanted.  He laid back against his pillow and closed his eyes.  He was already half hard from thoughts of their time on the beach.  He ran his hand over his stomach and felt his cock grow harder the lower his hand went. 

Trying to focus on Dean’s image and the heat of his body, Cas lowered his boxers and exposed his aching cock to the air.  He trailed his fingers over the heated flesh.  He had gotten to this point many times since the rape, but he always froze when he went to wrap his hand around himself.  Shaking that thought aside, he envisioned the moment Dean orgasmed.  He took his cock in hand and stroked up and down slowly.  He kept the pressure light and focused on the sensation of each touch.  As he felt his orgasm building, his body grew tense and his mind drifted.  Flashes of the white room crept in.  He stopped the movement of his hand, hoping the panic would abate.  When it did not, he released his cock with a sad sigh.  Dean rolled over, reaching for Cas’ boxers.  He pulled the fabric over Cas’ fading erection.  “It’s okay, sweetheart.  We’ll get there.”  Dean kissed him lightly and shifted Cas until he was laying across the expanse of Dean’s naked chest.  The white room and all its pain receded as Dean carded his fingers through Cas’ hair.  “Why is this so difficult to get past?  Why do I always relive it when I get close?”

“It’s PTSD, Cas.  We can’t wish it away no matter how much we want to.  It will take time, and I will be here for every step forward and every stumble backwards.” 

“Thank you.  And thank you for not interrupting me until I needed you to.”

“I wasn’t sure what I should do when I heard you.  I wanted to touch you, to try and help you.  But I knew I shouldn’t do that.  So, I made the right choice to just lay and wait?”

“Yes, Dean.  You did.”  Cas leaned up and kissed Dean.  “I love you.”

“Love you, too.”  Dean closed his eyes and within a minute he was asleep. 

Cas lay awake.  He pictured Dean standing on the dock earlier that night, illuminated by the sunset.  He remembered the way he turned to face Cas as he joined him.  The way Dean fell into his arms, and the long walk back to their house.  A night of games and cards had awaited them.  They were both competitive, and their home was filled with trash talk and humor.  Exhausted and sated from their day, they had crawled into bed and curled around each other.  Now here he was in much the same position.  His mind drifted to Dean’s statement.  PTSD.  He closed his eyes and found solace in the strong arms wrapped around him.  “We will face it together,” he whispered to the night.


	63. No Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer as the boys try to deal with advances in their sexual relationship and the difficulties of recovering from sexual trauma.

In the weeks following, something nagged at the back of Dean’s mind. Each time they were intimate, there was a moment in which Cas tensed. Whenever a hand came near his groin, whether Cas’ own hand or Dean’s, the angel tensed. Dean relived each moment, replayed the events, and tried to find a solution. After several agonizing days and sleepless nights, he decided he had to talk to someone. As he approached Sam’s house, he was overcome with apprehension. This was not a topic he wanted to talk about, much less talk about it with his brother. But he needed a man’s advice. Stepping through the door, he called out, “Everybody decent.”

“Come on in,” yelled Meg as she stepped out her bedroom. “The moose will be with you in a moment.”

“I still can’t believe you two are living together. How did that even happen?”

Meg chuckled darkly. “I used my demon ways on him, and I keep him under my spell with sex.”

Sam came around the corner with wet hair. “You wish. Stop tormenting Dean and go to work.”

“Whatever you want,” Meg said as she smacked Sam’s ass. She winked at Dean as she passed him.

After she was gone, Dean said, “How did you end up living with her again? And how does Shadiya feel about that?”

Shaking his head, Sam made for the kitchen. “I know what everyone thought, but Shadiya and I were just friends. She is a wonderful person, but her life is here and mine is not. I have plans in motion for when I go home. And as far as Meg goes, you know she wasn’t ready to live near the islanders. I had the room so it was an easy solution.”

Dean smiled as he nodded, but his expression quickly turned serious. “So, you are thinking of leaving?”

“Not just thinking about it. I am preparing for it. I have been working with a few hunters back home and with James and Deborah here. I want to start a school. I actually got the idea after we found the bunker in Montana. What Cas did there impressed the hell out of me and I want to do something similar?” Dean was shaking his head the entire time Sam spoke. The whole idea bothered him, and he did not hide his displeasure. Sam stopped for a second, but before Dean interjected, he said, “I know you don’t think bringing others into the supernatural world is a good idea. But we are getting too old for this, as are many other hunters. We are a dying breed, Dean, and it is our responsibility to train the next generation. I wholeheartedly believe that and you will not convince me otherwise.”

Reigning in his first instinct, Dean bit his tongue while he analyzed Sam’s plans. There was a lot of truth in his words. Cas was clearly ready to try another life, and Dean, despite, still wanting to hunt, did not want it to be his whole life anymore. He knew Sam needed something more in his life than endless hunts. If he could encourage Cas to teach, why couldn’t he do the same for his brother. “All right, Sammy.”

“Just like that.”

“Yep, just like that. If this is what you want, then I will support you. Besides you’re right, we are getting too old for this.”

Sam rounded the kitchen island and pulled Dean into a hug. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now get off me. I actually came here to talk to you about something.” Dropping onto a stool, he sighed dramatically. “And it’s not a subject either of us wants to talk about, so please make some coffee. Since I can’t have a drink, caffeine will have to do.”

Sam filled the time while the coffee brewed with inane small talk. Once he handed Dean a cup of steaming black coffee, he took the seat next to him. “Okay. I’m here for whatever you need.”

“Okay, so…” Dean stopped and ran his hand over his face. His voice was shaky as he went to continue. “Um...so Cas is struggling with some things. He um…Well when we are…Fuck.” He took a big gulp of coffee, burning his mouth in the process. “So, I’m just going to say this and don’t interrupt or I don’t know if I will be able to start again.” Sam touched his arm reassuringly, and Dean raised his head to look at his brother. Sam nodded once. Dropping his head to stare at his cup, Dean began. “When we are intimate, Cas struggles sometimes. He has to stop or he flinches. Sometimes he shakes or forgets where he is or who he’s with. It is getting better every day, but there is this one thing that isn’t improving. And I don’t know how to help him. He's growing increasingly frustrated and I think he is pushing himself to hard. Since the rape, he hasn’t been able to…come."  Dean stopped as he recalled a blushing Sam running away after seeing Dean and Cas kiss the other day.  "I'm sorry Sam.  This is too much to ask of you.  I shouldn't have come here."

Sam reached out and put his hand on Dean's shoulder.  "Whatever it is Dean I am willing to listen.  I want to help you and Cas so talk to me."

Dean looked at Sam and saw sincerity in his eyes.  "As I was saying, Cas hasn't been able to orgasm.  Don’t get me wrong he gets hard, but he pulls back when he gets close. Um…even when he jacks off. I tell him it will get better and there is no rush, but ever since I did when we were together, I think he feels like he has to.” As he finished, Dean inhaled sharply and then slowly exhaled. There was a stunned expression on Sam’s face, but not a hint of judgement or discomfort in his eyes. Seeing this, Dean blurted out. “This doesn’t weird you out.”

Smiling Sam leaned back from the counter and turned to fully face Dean. “No. Not really.  Seeing you together was new and maybe I was a little embarrassed, but it wasn't weird.  And its Cas.  I mean after the accident I saw a lot of Cas. A lot more than I ever planned. We had to clean him and change him after he had accidents. I had to talk to him about his body and about sex.  I had to work his muscles when he couldn’t move himself. I held him together after he cut himself open. So no I guess it doesn’t bother me after all that.”

“I still feel guilty for not being there,” whispered Dean.

“I know, but you’re here now.” Sam clapped his brother on the shoulder. “That’s what matters.” Dean shrugged as Sam said, “Does Cas know what stops him? Does he talk about it?”

Dean shook his head and sighed. “God I don’t know if I should be telling you all this. It’s so personal.”

“Cas trusted me with his entire being after the coma, so…”

“Okay, I suppose that counts for something.” Dean shifted on the stool and his leg began to nervously shake. “When it happened, he…um…Malachi made him orgasm.”

Sam’s hand slammed down on the counter as he practically yelled, “Fuck. I tried not to picture what happened to him, but even when it happened, I never would have thought…” After he calmed down slightly, he said, “No wonder he’s messed up about it.”

“I explained that he had no control, and that is was just his body’s reaction, but he still feels guilty, like he is to blame for it. How do you come back from that? How do I help him, Sammy?” pleaded Dean in a voice filled with anguish.

For a long time, they sat in silence. Both breathing heavily and both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Sam said, “You know after the coma, Darla told Cas to discover his own body. She wanted him to explore himself and learn what he liked. Maybe this is similar. You should talk to her. I mean she knows a lot of intimate details about Cas.”

“And about our relationship,” added Dean.

“I think that’s where I would start. And I think you are already helping. It sounds like you’re helping him talk about it and supporting him.”

Sam’s measured tone was calming and reassuring. It made Dean feel more centered, more in control of the situation. His shoulders loosened, and he began to breathe easier. “Calling Darla sounds like a good plan.” Dean didn’t bother wasting time. he pulled out his phone and called the therapist. Sam sat at his side the entire time. Offering a supportive presence and a comforting hand when needed. Darla talked him through the issue. With her questions, Dean was pushed to share more intimate details. He tensed, worried about Sam’s reaction. It was at those times that Sam reached out and patted his arm and squeezed his shoulder. As he talked, an idea crept into his mind. It was the thought that had been nagging at him for days. A thought he shoved aside out fear. He wanted to voice it, but he froze up. He knew it was his own hang-up that was causing the issue. It took several stops and starts before he could even broach the topic.

“It’s hands that cause the most problem. It’s what stops him, I think. I thought maybe, we…I just wondered if we tried…I don’t even know if I can. I’ve never done that.”

Darla remained silent, waiting for Dean to clarify. Sam, on the other hand, did not. “What are you talking about Dean?”

Dean felt panicked, his heart started racing, and his hands became clammy. He tried again to say the words. To explain, but he just couldn’t. “Dean,” Darla said gently. “It’s okay to be worried. This is all new to you. You have just accepted your sexuality, and now you have to deal with sexual trauma. It’s a lot to take in all at once. I’m going to ask you some questions, okay?”

It was easier once Darla took over the conversation. She led Dean through his own insecurities and through the problems he and Cas faced. Dean relaxed into the conversation and was able to express his idea. “I think before you approach Castiel with this, you need to be comfortable with it yourself. If you tense or hesitate, he may take it wrong. You have to be ready and willing. This has to be something you want Dean. You cannot force it.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I think about it. I picture it. Sorry, Sammy this is probably too much info.”

Sam scoffed, “I don’t think you fantasizing about giving Cas a blow job is any worse than knowing what porn you like or hearing you in the bathroom.”

The heat in Dean’s cheeks intensified. He knew they had been red through the entire conversation with Darla. He was just glad she couldn’t see him. It was bad enough Sam was witnessing it. Interrupting his musings, Darla said, “If you are sure, then I think you should broach the subject with Castiel and let him decide how to proceed.” They talked for a few more minutes before saying their goodbyes. Dean sat quietly before he stood up and thanked Sam. He made his exit after his brother pulled him into another hug. Feeling a bit unsteady, he didn't think he should go straight home. He walked to the beach and sat down on the sand. He watched the waves and let his mind drift. He thought about the future. A life with Cas was what he wanted. Exploring all of what that meant. Suddenly, his fear evaporated. It was time to go home and talk to his angel.

 

Entering their home Dean spotted Castiel sweeping the kitchen. It was strange that he didn’t use his grace to do mundane tasks anymore. He didn’t use it for personal care or for house cleaning. Dean found it comforting for reasons he was not willing to explore. He just accepted it without question. There was something special about seeing Cas with scruff on his face. Sweaty Cas was also one of Dean’s favorites. He derailed that train of thought before he got ahead of himself. He needed to talk to Cas and sporting a boner was not how he wanted to start.

“Hey.”

Cas lifted his head. “Hello Dean. Did you have a nice visit with Sam?”

“Yeah, um. I kinda want to talk to you about that. Well not about Sam, more about why I went to talk to him. Do you think you could finish that later?”

“Of course, Dean.” Cas stowed the broom and walked over to Dean. “Where did you want to do it?’

Before he could stop himself, Dean gulped at Cas’ word choice . “Um…uh…on the deck.” Dean held out his hand, and Cas took it instantly. They walked out to the door and sat on the porch swing Dean had added the previous week. “I have been wracking my brain trying to find a way to help you move forward. When I couldn’t get anywhere on my own, I decided to talk to Sam.” A wave of nervousness swept over Dean. “I hope that was all right. I mean Sam said after the accident there weren’t a whole lot of personal boundaries between you two.”

“Sam, Pamela, and Charlie were responsible for my care once I left the hospital. It wasn’t pretty at times, so no there were no boundaries.”

Shifting around on the seat, Dean made the bench swing erratically. He put his feet down to correct the movement. When it settled into a steady rhythm again, he stared into Cas’ curious blue eyes. “I told him about your issue.” Cas inhaled sharply even as he gestured for Dean to continue. “I wanted his advice, and he mentioned something about your therapy with Darla. He sat with me while I called her. I know how unconventional this all is and that we aren’t exactly following protocol, but…” Dean shook his head. “So anyway, I had this idea, and I wanted to run it by her.” Dean hesitated, his hands clenched in fists, and his brow pinched with worry.

“Just tell me Dean.” There was frustration, but no anger in Cas’ voice.

“I noticed hands are the problem. Sooo, I was thinking maybe I could use my mouth.”

Heat rose up Castiel’s neck and settled in his cheeks. His breath hitched, and his body teemed with arousal. Dean watched the process intently, and his own body responded in kind. Without warning Cas stood, pulling Dean to his feet. He devoured Dean in a heated kiss. His hands found the curve of Dean’s ass before sliding down to the hunter’s thighs. In a flash, Dean was lifted from the ground and carried into their bedroom. It was only as he lowered Dean to the floor that Cas spoke. “That is an excellent idea.” Cas eyed Dean with naked desire.

“I get the feeling you have thought about this.”

“Hmm…I have, but I never thought you would be willing.”

Dean smiled coyly before pulling Cas tight against him so there was no mistaking his interest. “I am more than willing. Just don’t expect too much, it will be my first time.”

“I like the sound of that. Now can we be done talking?” Cas punctuated his words with an intense kiss. Dean groaned his assent. Cas slowed the kiss as he ran his hands under Dean’s t-shirt. He skimmed his nails across Dean’s chest, stopping to rub his nipples until they hardened. Dean’s hips bucked at the contact. Everything sped up after that. Their shirts were tossed aside and their pants soon followed. Cas kissed Dean aggressively and then chastely. Alternating maddeningly until Dean was practically panting into the angel’s mouth. Trying to slow things down, Dean stepped back. He unbuttoned his pants and lowered the zipper. Cas stared unabashedly while Dean lowered his jeans.

“You too, Cas.”

Cas blinked several times before he began undoing his own pants. His eyes never left Dean as he removed them along with his boxers. Dean’s mouth watered at the sight of all the naked skin and Cas’ leaking cock. “That is a good sign,” he said seriously as he gestured at Cas’ groin. Lowering his gaze, Cas stared at himself. He nodded at Dean before he reached out for him. Dean welcomed the contact but did not allow Cas to pull him into his arms. Instead, he smiled at Cas as he dropped to his knees in front of him. He kept his eyes on Cas as he wrapped his arms around Cas’ thighs. He rubbed his hands gently, soothing the quivering flesh. “You sure Cas?”

One hand cupped Dean’s face as the other ran through his hair. “I have pictured this so many times, but I was not prepared for how beautiful you would look in this moment.” Dean ducked his head as his cheeks flushed. “Dean, you are the most gorgeous man I have ever, and I would be honored.”

“Geez, Cas. You had to go and make it all romantic and shit. It’s just a blow job.” Despite Dean’s words, there was no snark in his tone. They were said almost shyly in a quivering voice. Cas caressed Dean’s cheek and gently lifted his face.

“No, it isn’t just a blow job. It’s a gift, and I love you for being here with me. Like this.”

Looking up into the face of the angel he loved, Dean leaned forward and took the head of Cas’ cock in his mouth. They both moaned. Cas' hand tightened in Dean’s hair. He fought the urge to bury his cock in the heat of Dean’s mouth. He waited as Dean slowly slid down further. The sensation was overwhelming, and Cas found himself mumbling Dean’s name on a loop as his eyes closed.

The sounds coming from Cas urged Dean on and increased his own arousal. Taking one of his hands off of Cas’ thigh, he reached inside his boxers and gripped his cock tightly. He lost his rhythm on Cas' dick as he shuddered. He took the opportunity to use his tongue. Sliding it across the head of Cas’ cock and into the slit. Tasting Cas, before engulfing the rest of Cas’ hard length.

From there it did not take long. Cas’ knees grew weak, and he braced himself on Dean’s shoulders. He practically keened as Dean licked and sucked. Forcing his eyes open, Cas looked down at Dean. He ran his finger along Dean’s lips where they were stretched around his cock. Desire flared in Dean’s eyes and that was all it took. Cas pulled Dean back as his orgasm ripped out of his body and his vision whited out. When he came back to himself, he saw Dean still on his knees with his still hard cock in his hands. Cas slipped his softening erection out of Dean’s mouth and lowered himself to the floor. He reached down and replaced Dean’s hand with his own.  The hunter's cock was hot and heavy in the angel's hand, and was leaking profusely. Cas barely moved his hand, and Dean was coming forcefully. It took several minutes for their breaths to even out. “Holy shit.”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Cas.  "I'm sorry about..."  He gestured at Dean's face, glistening with Cas' cum.

Dean’s eyes opened wide. “Don't apologize.  You warned me, and I chose not to pull off.  Besides it was fucking hot."  Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair as he said, "I’d really like to stay here basking in the moment but my knees are killing me and we're a bit of a mess.”

The touch of Cas’ long fingers on Dean's thigh was followed by the warm infusion of Cas’ grace. “Better.”

“Yeah.” Dean lowered his head to rest on Cas’ chest. “You doing okay.”

“Yes, Dean. That was surprising.”

“What part?”

Cas leaned back and stood up. He pulled Dean up with him. “Join me in the shower and I will tell you.” Dean was not going to argue with that so he followed his angel to the bathroom. Once they were safely ensconced in the steamy shower, Cas whispered, “You on your knees in front of me. Coming so hard I blacked out. Holding you in my hand as you ejaculated.  All of it.” He stopped as he ran his hands down Dean’s back. They halted at the swell of Dean’s ass.  Cas gave Dean a wry smile. “And I look forward to giving you just a blow job.” 

A shiver ran down Dean’s spine, and his cock twitched with anticipation. “That sounds like a good plan to me.” Dean’s voice shook, and Cas smiled knowingly at him. “Don’t look so smug.” Dean’s statement only intensified the smug expression on the angel’s face, so Dean decided to kiss it off his face. Water cascaded down their bodies as they lost themselves in each other.


	64. Houses vs. Homes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby Steps. Hope you enjoy!

It became almost a daily occurrence for them.  Exploring each other’s body, reveling in the contact, and the feeling of belonging it elicited.  Neither felt pressured to rush their sexual relationship.  They stopped short of fucking as Dean called it or penetrative sex as Cas insisted on calling it.  It was not something either of them was truly ready for, and they knew they had time.  There was no doubt in their minds that this was permanent.  Crossing every barrier together, supporting and loving each other at every turn solidified their commitment.  It was a word which once terrified Dean, but now it only made him feel safe.  Cas was his sunshine in more ways than one.  For Castiel, Dean was his solace, his place to show every emotion and his home. 

As they lay in bed after an intense make-out session, Dean asked, “Have you given any more thought to going back home?”

Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair.  “Being here with you is home.  My home is wherever you are.”

“Yeah, yeah.  You know you don’t have to romance me.  You already got me.”  Dean winked at Cas.  “I’m yours.”

The flutter of possessiveness Cas felt at those words had him rolling on top of Dean.  He kissed him hungrily.  “As I am yours,” he breathed out against Dean’s lips.  Pulling back to stare down at Dean, Cas asked, “Are you asking because Sam and Pamela are planning on leaving soon?”

“Naw…not really.  I'll miss them, but there's no rush.”  Cas cocked his eyebrow at Dean.  “No, I mean it, Cas.  I feel more settled here now.  Besides I just started building the outdoor kitchen.  And if it’s not done before Sam leaves, you get to be my helper.  I think I’d like to see you in a tool belt.”

The deep chuckle that escaped Cas’ lips made Dean’s body tingle.  “You like me in my teacher garb, my yoga pants, your clothes, no clothes, dripping wet, sweaty…”

“Don’t forget in a trench coat with an angel blade in your hand, in a tuxedo, in those tight midnight blue boxers…I guess I’m not picky when it comes to you.”

“The feeling is mutual.”  Cas licked his lips as he lowered his head to kiss Dean.  The whistle filling the room stopped his forward progress.  Instead, he snapped his head around to see Gabriel standing at the foot of the bed with a feral grin on his face.  Castiel glared at his brother and huffed, “What do you want?  As you can see we are busy.”

Chuckling darkly, Gabriel said, “Don’t stop on my account.  I like to watch.”

Dean practically chucked Cas off of him as he sat up.  “Get out of our room.  That's disgusting.  Cas is your brother.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes.  “That does not mean the same thing for an angel.”

“Enough,” scowled Cas.  “Gabriel get out so we can get dressed.”

“Fine, I don’t know what all the fuss is about.  It wouldn’t be the first time I saw you two naked.”

This time Dean did throw Cas off as he bolted out of the bed.  He wrapped his hands around Gabriel’s throat.  “What the hell are you talking about?”  Gabriel simply smiled, so Dean turned to look at Cas.  “You deal with this.  I need a minute.”  He shoved the archangel away as he let him go.  Dean marched to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.  Heaving a sigh, he stepped up to the sink.  He gripped the counter harshly before he decided to wash his face.  Dean stayed in the bathroom waiting for his anger to subside.

 

Castiel watched Dean storm off, and then he wheeled on his so-called brother.  “Are you ever going to learn boundaries?  This, none of this,” Cas waved at the bed, “is easy for us.  After everything, you should…”  Gabriel did not let Cas finish. 

A pained sound was followed by, “Shit, I’m sorry Cas.  I wasn’t thinking about that.  I just like giving Deano a hard time.  I…”

Holding up his hand, Cas said, “Stop.  Just stop.  You are giving me a headache.”

“Angels don’t get headaches, Cassie.”

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Cas threw back the covers and crawled out of bed.  “I will meet you in the kitchen.  Now go.”

 

Dean entered the kitchen to see Cas and Gabe staring each other down.  He waited, to no avail, for either of them to acknowledge him.  With a sigh, he crossed the room to stand at Cas’ side.  He pulled him next to him as he slid his arm around the small of his back.  “Hey, you all right?"

“I’m fine, Dean.  Gabriel has come with a suggestion of sorts and I…it took me by surprise.”

With a groan, Gabriel sat down on one of the stools.  “You mean it pissed you off.  I don’t know why you're making such a big deal out of this.”

Anger flashed in Cas’ blue eyes before being replaced by a miserable sort of resignation.  “Because it’s my home.  It’s where I learned to live.”  Staring at the archangel, Cas shook his head as he stepped away from Dean to stand in front of Gabriel.  “You wouldn’t understand.  You don’t want to settle down.”

“Well, that’s true.  But Cas you’ll still have a home, just not there.”

Dean looked back and forth between the two angels.  The entire conversation was perplexing, as was the suddenly gentle tone in Gabriel’s voice.  Unable to wait any longer, he blurted, “What home?”  At his words, Cas and Gabriel turned to face Dean.  They almost seemed surprised to see him.  “Didn’t mean to scare you.  I didn't realize you forgot I was here.  Although usually you sense my presence,” he said as he smiled at Cas.  

Cas smiled back.  “I knew you were near me, Dean.  I was just focused on this news.”

“And before you ask,” interjected Gabriel, “based on the security risks Cas and the rest of you face, I want to move you near the bunker.  We can secure the perimeter much easier.  This was not a decision we came to lightly.  Between Sam, Crowley, and I we determined this was the best course.”  At the mention of Sam’s name both Cas and Dean inhaled sharply.  “I see our resident moose did not tell you.  It’s one of the reasons he’s going home.  And why Pamela is insisting on going along.”

There was a long pause after Gabriel finished.  No one moved and no one spoke.  Dean clenched his jaw as he leaned back against the kitchen counter.  As he moved, he felt his phone shift in his pocket.  He pulled it out and stared at it.  His fingers flew over the screen as he typed out a message.  Without reading it over, he sent it.  The phone pinged with incoming texts, but Dean ignored them.  He shoved the phone back in his pocket and reached out for Cas.  The angel let himself be pulled into a hug.  “Sam, Pamela, and Charlie should be here any minute.  We can sort this shit out when they get here,” Dean whispered, his lips brushing Cas’ ear.   Trying to lighten the mood, he chuckled as he added, "I thought home was wherever I was.  Or was that just a line."  He received a tiny huff of laughter for his efforts.

"Thank you, Dean."  Cas sighed against Dean's neck.  "You are home, but I wasn't expecting this.”  Cas slipped his arms around Dean’s waist and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.  “You know he can hear us even if we whisper.”

Gabriel spoke before Dean could answer.  “I’m not eavesdropping.  I swear.” 

Dean felt the brunt of Castiel’s weight in his arms as Cas exhaled.  Holding him tighter, Dean glared at the archangel.  The sound of voices filtered into the house.  Over Cas’ head, Dean spotted Sam and Pamela.  Sam was already gesturing and trying to apologize.  Pamela was trying to shush him.  This continued as Charlie came rushing in behind them.   “Cryptic much,” said Charlie as she blundered into the kitchen.  “What was that message about, and why is it urgent?”

Instead of answering, Dean raised his eyebrows as he looked at Sam. 

Sam scanned the room, eyes eventually stopping on Gabriel.  He frowned at the archangel.  “No, you are not blaming me for this Sam.  You should have told them.  We've been talking about this for weeks.  I had no idea you were keeping it from them.”

“Is that true?” asked Cas, clearly pained by the notion.

“I’m sorry, Cas.  We haven’t finalized anything.  I was going to tell you.”

Stepping in front of Cas, Dean snapped, “And when were you going to do that.  After you left.” 

“Okay, okay.  Let’s all calm down.”  Charlie held out her hands as she stood between the brothers.  “I don’t even know what we’re talking about.”

“They're planning on moving us to the bunker.”  Cas slid his hand into Dean’s, rubbing gently along his wrist.  “We were taken unawares, and I did not react well.”

Gabriel seemed to have lost any semblance of patience he had.  He hopped off the stool and approached Dean and Cas.  “This is not a big deal.  I added this whole section of island, complete with houses.  I can do the same thing there.”

“Please sit down, Gabe.  You are not helping.”  Pamela walked over to Gabriel and escorted him back to his stool.  She took a seat next to him.  “If it was as easy as all that, Sam would have already agreed to the whole thing.  We grew to love that house and the surrounding area.  And there is the issue of the bunker.”

Cas flinched, pulling his hand out of Dean’s grasp.  “I don’t want to live in a bunker,” he whispered to Dean.  The hunter tugged him into a hug and uttered, “No one is suggesting that Cas.  I promise.” 

Gabriel, having heard there whispered conversation, said, “Cassie I would never suggest that.  Not after what happened.  A may be a cad but I would never do that to you.”

“It’s just…you mentioned the bunker and…moving.  So, I thought…,” mumbled Cas.  All eyes were on Cas as he lifted his head to look around the room.  Sam and Gabriel were shaking their heads and saying something about it never being part of the plan.  Holding Cas tight, Dean could sense his anxiety so he decided to take control of the conversation.

Dean released Cas from the hug and stood at his side again.  “The way I see it is we need an explanation and a damn good one before we agree to anything.”  He pointed at Sam and Pamela.  “You know how important having a home is to him, so make it good.”

Sam gestured at the dining table before walking over and taking a seat.  After everyone joined him, he began to explain.  “The security risks are worse than we initially anticipated.  Each time Gabriel and Crowley think they have concluded the search, they find another person who knows about Cas.  Intelligence services around the world know about him.  Well not specifically him, but they know enough to try and find out more.  Which means we shouldn’t go back to the house.  Once they informed me, I started working on a solution.”

“And how do you fit into this?” asked Charlie as she looked at Pamela.

Laughing Pamela said, “I swear you all forget I'm a psychic.  Besides, this affects all of us.  It is our house we are talking about.”  She reached out and took Cas’ hand.  “It means a lot to me too, Cas, but you mean more.”

“But why the bunker,” Cas said sorrowfully.

Gabriel sighed dramatically, “If you had given me a chance to explain instead of throwing a fit, I would…”

“Seriously not helping Gabriel,” snarled Charlie as she slugged the archangel. 

“Cas,” said Pamela softly, “We are not asking you to move into the bunker.  We're thinking of building on the land around the bunker or Gabriel has even suggested he could move the house.”

The blank stare on Cas’ face caused Sam to explain further.  “You see with my plans for recruiting and training hunters, I was already thinking of building up the area.  I don’t want to try and do it all out of the bunker, and I don’t really want to live in it either.  I've gotten used to windows and sunshine.”  Castiel’s face lit up in a bright smile.  “You see Cas, none of us want to give up on what we built.  We just need to change it a bit.”

“And, Cas, I'd really like to have a home of our own.”  Cas frowned at Dean, so the hunter hastened to add, “If that’s not what you want, it’s okay, Sunshine.  I’m flexible.”

“No, no, Dean.  I wasn’t upset or disagreeing with you.  I never thought about how it would all work once we got home.  I do want us to have our own home.”  Cas looked between Sam, Pamela, and Charlie.  “Not that I don’t want to be with all of you.  Um…it’s just…we need…”

“Handsome, the word you’re looking for is privacy and believe me we want you to have that.”  Pamela smiled at Cas and then Dean.  “And no offense, but Dean here doesn’t seem like the quiet type.” 

A flash of heat swept up Dean’s neck and across his face.  He chanced a glance at Cas, but the angel didn’t appear affected.  Cas was still smiling, and there appeared to be no tension in the set of his shoulders.  Not wanting to risk changing that, Dean let the others tease him.  The blush never left his face, but it didn’t matter because Cas was happy.  Laughter filled the room, and Cas even joined in on the teasing at one point.  Dean covered his face and leaned on Cas.  The angel wrapped his arms around Dean and kissed his temple.  Any embarrassment left Dean’s body at the contact.  He remained in Cas’ arms until the conversation returned to the original topic.  Both the hunter and the angel sat up straight.  Cas did not hesitate to dictate what he wanted. 

He didn't want Gabriel to move the house.  It was too large for two people, and it was too dark.  “I want one similar to this,” Cas said as he took in the room around them.  “We love this house.  And I want my beehives and a garden.”  He took Dean’s hand in his with a hopeful look on his face.  Dean squeezed his hand and grinned as he nodded.

They hashed out some rough plans for a series of homes.  Other plans were made to select plots for each new home and outbuilding.  With little else to plan, Gabriel took off to share the details with Crowley.  They would begin the process of creating a protective barrier before Sam and Pamela were set to return. 

During the discussion, Dean got up to cook them brunch since everyone had missed breakfast.  Once the food was prepared, he set it out buffet style on the kitchen island.  There was a clatter of plates and silverware and appreciative comments.  In the last weeks, Dean had spent many hours cooking and baking.  Honing a craft, he always wished he’d had time for in the past.  He loved cooking for his family and friends.  He sat back and watched them eat.  There was a little something for everyone.  Strawberry French toast, bacon cheese frittata, cucumber and feta salad, berry/mango fruit salad, and roasted asparagus.  Tea, coffee, and fresh squeezed orange juice completed the meal. 

Dean felt a prickling sensation on his neck.  He pulled his gaze away from the array of food to find Castiel staring at him with a huge grin.  “This is delicious Dean.”  Dean ducked his head as the others offered similar commentary.  He didn’t lift his head until he saw Cas’ bare feet in front of him.  “You should come join us.”  When Dean didn’t move, Cas walked over and filled a plate.  He handed Dean a cup of coffee and pulled him to the table.  As Dean ate, Sam and Pamela began to clean up the kitchen.  They drifted away soon after.  Only Charlie remained. 

“Charlie, what is your plan?  You didn’t really say much.”

“Island life agrees with me so I plan to stay here for a while.  Once Sam gets things organized back there, he'll need a techie, so I figure I’ll go back when they need me.”  Pushing her chair back, she asked, “How long are you two planning on staying?”

Dean shrugged.  “Not sure.  It’s up to Cas.”  Dean looked at Cas, and the angel’s lips quirked up.  “I’ll go whenever my angel is ready.”  Cas stared into Dean’s eyes.  Seconds passed or maybe it was minutes when Dean vaguely heard Charlie say good-bye.  He waved in her general direction but kept his focus on Castiel.  “I mean it Cas.  I go where you go.”

Cas leaned forward and captured Dean’s lips in a tender kiss.  “I know.”


	65. Dinner and a Guest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there were a few things in the show that always bothered me. I did a bit of correction for two of them in this chapter. See end notes for more details.

“Are you all ready?” 

Sam walked out of the house and stared at his brother.  “Yes, Dean.  You've only asked me that ten times in the last two hours.”

“It’s important to be prepared.”

“I'm not even taking that much with me.  I could have packed up in ten minutes if you were not hovering.”  Sam stepped over to Dean.  “Now let’s go to the party.  I’m not even leaving for a couple of days.”  Dean refused to budge, so Sam sat down next to him.  “I’m going to miss you, too.”

In the past, Dean would have brushed the emotional moment off.  Teasing Sam about being a girl or some stupid shit like that, but Dean was not that man anymore.  “Am I that obvious?”

Sam bumped his shoulder against Dean’s.  “A little bit.” 

A memory surfaced in Dean’s mind of a much younger Sam leaving for Stanford.  It was not a good memory for Dean, but it should have been.  He should have focused on his pride in his brother’s accomplishments instead of his feeling of being abandoned.  “You know I’m proud of you Sammy.  Going after what you want.  That’s what I should have told you before you left for college.  Since I was too much of an idiot to do it then, I want to make sure you know it now.  You’re going to do a great job.  There isn’t anything Sam Winchester can’t do when he sets his mind to it.”

A tear ran down Sam’s face.  He wiped it away gingerly.  He stared at his wet fingers. “For guys who used ‘bitch’ and ‘jerk’ to express love we sure have come a long way.”

Dean shrugged one shoulder and smiled shyly.  “Yeah, well, crying isn’t a bad thing and neither is expressing other emotions.  If this last year has taught me anything, it is that.  I wouldn’t have what I have now without accepting that.”

“You know I’m proud of you too, Dean.  And of Cas.  I’m not the only one pursuing a goal.”  Dean didn't respond so the brothers sat quietly.  Only the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore interrupted the silence.  After several minutes, Sam stood up and held out his hand.  “I suppose they are all waiting for us,” said Sam as he pulled Dean to his feet. 

As they approached Marta’s home, they spotted Cas and Charlie.  There was only a small group gathered near them.  James and Deborah were flanked by Meg and Pamela.  Shadiya and Marta were engaged in a conversation with Gabriel and Crowley.  The assembled group seemed like an odd mix, but it wasn’t because each of these people had played a role in rescuing Castiel.  “He looks good doesn’t he,” mused Dean as he stared at Cas.  The angel was dressed in tight, dark jeans and a blue button-down shirt.  It was a shirt Dean had gifted him before they arrived on the island.  He loved when Cas wore it, especially when he rolled up the sleeves and left the top two buttons undone. 

“Yeah he’s a sexy man.”

“What the hell Sam?”

“Just checking to see if you were listening.  You tend to zone out when you see Cas.  Almost like he puts you under a spell.”

Dean pulled his gaze away from Cas and thought about Sam’s statement.  “We do share a profound bond.  He hasn’t exactly explained the extent of it to me, but I have my guesses.”

“I was just kidding, Dean.”

“Oh yeah.  Of course,” mumbled Dean.  Sam stared intensely at Dean which began to make him uncomfortable.  “What?  We have a connection.  His grace and my soul have been tied together since he dragged me out of hell and it has grown stronger over time.  I don’t think he wants me to know just how tight a bond we actually have.”  Dean sounded almost sad as he said the last part.

Sam touched his arm.  “You’re taking it the wrong way.  He wants it to be your choice, not an uncontrollable soulmate bond.  He knows how important free will is to you because it is equally important to him.”

“Hmm…I never thought of it like that.  Thanks Sammy.”  Dean patted Sam’s shoulder before walking away from him.  He slipped through the group until he was standing at Castiel’s side.  “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hello Dean.”

The greeting froze Dean for a second as his thoughts drifted.  There were still so many things Dean wanted to know about Cas.  Before he could second guess himself, he asked, “Can we talk later?  It’s important, not bad or anything. I just have some questions.” 

“Of course, Dean.” 

Everything seemed to go quiet before they heard, “Where is Charlene?” in a thick Scottish accident.  There was a swish of fabric through the sand before Rowena stepped into the light.  Her sleek, floor length blue dress shimmered in the firelight.  Her flowing red hair swept across her shoulders as she sauntered over toward Marta’s house. 

“Mother, you were not supposed to arrive until later,” groaned Crowley.

“Fergus, hush.  I arrive where and when I want.”

There was a spattering of murmurs.  Most were along the lines of “How is she his mother?”  But Dean’s voice cut across them all.  “Why is she here?  Because of her Charlie almost died.  If we hadn't captured one of the Steins and strapped him to the chair in the dungeon, we wouldn't have known the other one had found her, and Cas would have been too late to save her.”

“Now, Dean, that is hardly fair.  Charlene is the one who left.  Against Castiel’s advice, I might add.  What happened to her after that is entirely on her.”  She smiled wickedly at Dean and then focused her attention on Cas.  “Besides you owe me for saving your special friend all those years ago.  If I hadn’t needed a reaper, hard telling what would have happened to poor Castiel.” 

Dean turned to face Crowley while pointing at Rowena.  “What is she talking about?”

Crowley pulled on the bottom of his suit jacket, adjusting the fit slightly.  He scoffed in his mother’s direction.  “Why do you always talk so much?  Is it impossible for you to remain silent?”  He shook his head and sighed.  “A few years ago, she captured a reaper who was hunting a certain graceless angel.”

“Don’t forget to tell them how she begged to be released so she could fulfill her mission.”

Rolling his eyes, Crowley said, “Tell them yourself.”

“I don’t like to brag about myself.” 

Huffs of laughter filled the air.  Still laughing Sam said, “Rowena just tell us.”

The story was a strange one. After the angel's fell, a reaper was hunting for Cas.  She planned to befriend and then torture Castiel to gain information on Metatron.  Rowena ignored her sad little pleas while she held the reaper for her own purposes.  The witch would not explain what happened to the reaper, only that she was not an issue. 

Something hit Dean as she spoke.  “Wait.  That means you knew about Cas before we met you.”

“But of course, it is my job to know who the major players are.  How do you think I have survived this long?”  She waved her hand in the air, brushing off any further questions.  “Now, I believe dinner was about to be served.  Samuel, would you be a dear and get me a cup of tea I have a few things to discuss with Charlene?”  Sam stood stock still as Rowena swept by him to greet an openly startled Charlie.  “By your expressions, I see my son failed to inform any of you that I was coming.  Oh well, no time to espouse on his failings we have much to do.”

Dean rounded on Crowley.  “Explain, now.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, Mother is an expert in her field.  She is here to provide protections for all of you.  And before you try to argue, those marks on your ribs and your tattoos will only go so far.  Castiel’s capture proved that.”

Cas tilted his head and stared at Crowley.  “What’s in it for her?”

“She asked for nothing.  For some reason, she likes you.”

 

Dinner was served after Rowena was formally introduced.  Sam did eventually serve her tea, much to the delight of Charlie and Pamela.  He rolled his eyes at the two women cackling at his expense, which only made them laugh harder.  Marta was instantly intrigued by Rowena.  They spent much of the evening huddled in a serious discussion.  Dean and Cas sat back and watched the proceedings with amusement and a hint of skepticism.  It seemed too easy, this blending of the disparate parts of their lives.  It was hard to believe that favors were given free of charge.  That no deals had to be made for Crowley or Rowena to offer their aid.  And then there was Gabriel, suddenly a player in the best sense of the word.  He had stood by them throughout the entire ordeal and was yet to disappear for any length of time.  All of it seemed extraordinary, but what was most striking were the smiles.  The genuine happiness on Sam’s face.  The joy in Pamela’s eyes.  The bounce in Charlie’s step.  It seemed too good to be true. 

“It’s not.”

“What?”

“It’s not too good to be true.”

Dean shifted in his seat as he turned to face Cas.  “I didn't say that out loud.”

Castiel smiled knowingly at him.  “I know.  Does that bother you?”

“No, but it is one of the things I want to discuss when we get home.”  Cas nodded his assent.  “And what do you mean it’s not?”

“I mean it has been a long time coming.  You and your brother have given the world so much.  You have endured and persevered through unimaginable circumstances.  It has captivated many people, whether friend or foe.  Crowley, Rowena, Gabriel.  They all know what you have accomplished.  It makes it easy to stand at your side.”

Dean shook his head.  “You forgot something in your assessment.  Sam and I were not alone.  Cas, you heard what Crowley said.  Rowena likes you.  You’re the one who is special.”

Shaking his head, Castiel leaned his shoulder on Dean.  “How much longer do you plan on staying tonight?”

“Dessert and then we’re out of here.”

Sam and Pamela were the center of attention as dessert was served.  Several people addressed the crowd thanking them for their help and wishing them well.  Others made sure to invite them to return at any time.  Marta wrapped up the speeches.  She spoke of Sam’s dedication and Pamela’s wicked sense of humor.  There was a brief pause before she began talking about Castiel and her gratefulness for their role in saving him.  Both honored guests protested pointing out the roles of the others in attendance.  After their interruption, Marta raised her glass in a toast.  Sam and Pamela thanked everyone and promised to return soon.  With that, Cas and Dean decided it was time to head out. 

 

Back at their house , Cas changed into sweat pants and one of Dean’s old t-shirts.  Dean opted to slip off his jeans and shirt.  He sat down on the couch dressed only in his boxer briefs.  Castiel smiled down at him before taking the seat next to him.  Despite all the progress they had made, Dean’s nerves always surfaced for more serious conversations.  He knew Cas sensed it because he leaned against Dean.  Offering a comforting touch.  “What did you want to talk about?”

“It’s not that big a deal.  There are some things I’ve been wondering about.  Um…well one thing came up when we were out on the boat with Marta and Shadiya.”  Cas raised an eyebrow, and the glazed look in his eyes showed he was not expecting that particular topic.  “Okay bear with me here.  This has actually come up a couple times and no one from here will tell me.”

Suddenly, Cas’ expression shifted to one of understanding.  “I wondered when you would finally ask me.  There are several reasons for the longevity of those that live here.  Their healthy lifestyle is most prominent.”

“Did Sam ask you to tell me that?”

Cas rolled his eyes and patted Dean’s arms.  “They eat fresh fruits and vegetables.  The are constantly active.  Sam has nothing to do with it.”

“Fine, but there is no way that explains how Shadiya looks twenty years younger than Sam, and Marta barely looks fifty.”

As Cas launcned into his explanation Dean laid his head on Cas’ shoulder.  He loved the timber of Cas’ voice and feeling the vibrations.  The island and much of its infrastructure was created by angelic grace, and as of late archangel grace.  It remained in small amounts and had lingering effects.  It did not prevent disease, only direct healing from an angel would do that, but it did help in other ways.  It helped in food production so no pesticides or fertilizers were needed.  The water was purified by its presence.  All of which helped keep the people young.  Once Cas finished describing the role of grace, he reverted back to the importance of a healthy lifestyle.

“I get it.  You want me to be healthy.  Don’t you think I’ve already been working on that.  No drinking.  I eat salad and I exercise.”

Castiel nodded along, but still seemed somewhat unconvinced.  “What about when we go back and you’re on the road?”

“I don’t even know how much hunting I will be doing, but I promise I will take care of myself.”  At his words, Dean felt a surge in their bond.  The consistent hum of it was as much a part of him as breathing now, so he could sense even the slightest change.  “So, um…that right there is the other thing I wanted to talk about.  The longer we are together like we are, the more I sense you.  Even when I’m out on the boat, I feel your emotions.  At least that’s what it seems anyway.”  Dean did not need their bond to understand Castiel’s emotions on the current subject.  The angel bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth.  He squirmed in his seat and rubbed the back of his neck.  Anxiety bled through loud and clear.  “Cas stop with all the nervous twitching and talk to me.”

Releasing his lip, Cas swept his tongue along the surface.  He stared at Dean for several seconds before getting to his feet and pacing the room.  He’d stop every so often to look at Dean again.  Worry was evident in the stormy blue of his eyes.  “This is not what I wanted for you Dean.  It was never my intent.” 

Dean felt a rush of emotion.  It could only be called despair.  He mumbled some incomprehensible words as he curled in on himself.

“Oh, shit.  I think I’m as bad at this as you are.”  Cas’ eyes were wide, and his fists were clenched.  “I want you and I want this, and I know you do to.  I believe that, and I believe in us.  It’s this other issue that concerns me.  Our bond was started without your consent or even your knowledge.  I claimed you in hell.  I wove my grace into your very essence.  And the bond has only grown over the years.  I told you before that it is its own entity.  I can’t control it all the time.  It’s a manipulation of sorts, similar in some ways to what cupids do.”  Cas stopped in front of Dean and lowered down to one knee.  “The concept of mated pairs is the opposite of what you hold dear.  The choice was taken from you, and it continues to be taken.” 

Forcing himself to take in all of Cas’ words and remembering Sam’s words from the morning, Dean paused to organize his thoughts.  Ever patient Castiel waited on bended knee.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes,” Cas said forcefully.

“Did this bond make you love me?”

“No, it didn’t.”

“You sound very sure of that.”

“I am.”

“So, if you can love me without the bond making you do it, why can’t I be the same?”  Cas shook his head.  “No, listen.  I love you.  Your grace and my soul may have wanted each other from the start, but Cas I grew to love you.  It started with us as comrades in arms fighting the bad guys and then we became friends.  I grew to trust you and yeah maybe that has been tested over the years, but in the end it never wavered.  I prayed to you and that was not from my soul that was from my heart, Cas.  It took me a long time to recognize what I felt for you was love.  If this bond was controlling me, it would not have taken me so many years to get my head out of my ass.  Don’t you see.  Our love is separate from the bond.  It is the heart of us.  Don’t get me wrong, I know how overwhelming our bond can be, and I don’t ever want to lose it again, but it is not why I share a bed with you.  It is not why I kiss you or hold you.  It is not why I let you take care of me.  That Sunshine is love.”

Dean’s words sat heavy between them, and Cas had gone stock still.  The position could not possibly be comfortable, but Dean didn’t dare move or say anything further.  Where the conversation went now was up to the angel.  Cas closed his eyes and lowered his other knee to the floor and leaned back on his heels.  “That was beautiful, Dean,” Cas’ voice cracked with emotion.  “I want to shove the rest of this away and just forget it, but I can’t.  I have to ask if you understand what our bond means going forward.  Do you?”

“I assume it’s sort of a soulmate thing.  Tied together for eternity or something like that.”  Dean’s tone was jovial, and his face was lit up with amusement.

Cas’ eyes snapped open.  “You don’t seem upset about that interpretation, which by the way is not quite accurate.”

Dean shrugged as he pulled Castiel into his lap.  “That’s because I’m not upset.  No matter what, bond or no bond, you’re stuck with me.  Is that okay with you?”

All the tension fled from Cas’ body and soul.  Dean felt it through their bond.  He saw it on Castiel’s face, and he read it in his angel’s body.  Cas melted into his embrace.  Their lips brushed against each other, and Dean could not resist the temptation.  He captured Cas’ bottom lip, biting down before sucking it between his teeth.  The kiss lingered for several heartbeats until Cas whispered, “Take me to bed and show me."  Dean loosened his grip, and Cas leaned back slightly.  The look in Cas’ eyes was one of love, but also unadulterated want.  That was all it took for Dean to pull the angel tight as he stood up with Cas in his arms.  Dean stumbled under the weight.  “You make this look a lot easier.”

“I am an angel.”

“Unfair advantage.”  Suddenly, Cas did not feel as heavy in his arms, and Dean straightened.  “You just made yourself lighter.  Didn’t you?”

With a way too innocent look on his face, Cas said, “Of course not, Dean.  You must be stronger than you think.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Cas.  But I’ll take it because carrying you to bed is one of my many fantasies.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I hated the way Charlie died. It was ridiculous that Styne was only being chained by one arm. They kept Crowley in the dungeon for a long time. If they could hold the King of Hell, one souped-up human would not escape. They made everyone look incompetent.
> 
> Second, I hate the way they handled the April story. Cas had sex for the first time and then was tortured and killed by the woman. They blew it off and joked about it. The fact they had a hungry, exhausted newly human Cas have sex was bad enough, but then to downplay and even laugh about what happened to him was awful. 
> 
> Bad writing, writing for convenience, created both of these issues. I couldn't resist trying to rewrite them in some way.


	66. The Real World Creeps In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby steps. Hope you enjoy!

There was barely any time to miss Sam and Pamela before new guests arrived.  Cas had received a desperate call from Jody two weeks after Sam left.  Claire had met someone who needed help.  The kind of help offered on the island.  The way Jody spoke of the girl, Cas surmised she was more than just Claire’s friend.  Arrangements were quickly made to bring them to the island.  Cas and Dean spent the next week preparing for their arrival.  They moved Meg in with Charlie.  It was not the smoothest transition.  The two women butted heads on just about everything.  Rowena did not help matters in the slightest.  For some unknown reason she had remained after Gabriel and Crowley left.  She had moved herself into Charlie’s house. 

Castiel negotiated an unsteady truce between the demon, the witch, and the nerd.  Fortunately, they could each have their own room.  Meg and Charlie agreed to share a bathroom because neither wanted to share one with Rowena and her “witchy things” as Charlie called them.  Rowena was not allowed to perform any kind of magic except what she had explicitly come to do to protect Castiel and the others.  No one looked exactly pleased after Cas’ mediation, but they kept any other complaints to themselves. 

“When are they supposed to get here?  We’ve been waiting here forever.”

“Dean, it hasn’t even been twenty minutes.  Why don’t you go finish putting the food away?”

“I already did that.”

Grabbing the hem of Dean’s shirt, Cas pulled Dean toward him.  He snaked his free arm around Dean’s back.  “Would you like me to distract you?”

“God, yes,” declared Dean enthusiastically. 

Cas smiled indulgently at Dean’s eagerness.  He let go of Dean’s shirt and raised his hand to Dean’s cheek.  He ran his finger along the sharp edge of Dean’s jaw.  He kissed along the same path before kissing Dean firmly.  Dean’s mouth fell open with the pressure, and Cas swept his tongue along the parted lips.  Dean groaned as he shifted closer.  Cas took the opportunity to press their groins together. “Mmm…there you are.”

“Cas,” whined Dean.  “How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

Dean stepped back.  “You make me feel so much.  A simple touch is like fire in my veins.  I am supposed to be the one with experience, but with you I feel like a…”

“The word you’re looking for is virgin,” smirked Meg.  “And trust me this angel always had it in him.  That kiss we shared was…”

“Shut up, Meg.”

Turning Dean away from Meg, Cas said, “Meg, this is a private conversation.  Give us a minute.”  Meg grinned wickedly, even as she complied by walking away.  “Dean, what we share is new for both of us.  Touching you and kissing you makes me feel confident even though I have no experience.”

“That works out for me.  I like when you are confident.”

The tone of Dean’s voice took Cas by surprise.  There was a quality in it he had never heard before, and it made him nervous.  “Dean?” he asked hesitantly.

“Why do you sound so worried?”  Dean touched Cas’ hand lightly.  When Cas didn't answer, Dean began to feel apprehensive.  “I…Did I say something wrong?”

“It wasn’t your words.”  Cas shook his head as he laced his fingers with Dean’s.  “It was the way you sounded.”

“Oh, um…yeah.  That is probably a discussion we should have when we have a bit more time.”

“That sounds ominous,” Cas said as he tightened his hold on Dean.

Dean smiled shyly.  “It’s something I’m not sure I even understand, but it isn’t a bad thing.”

Seeing Dean’s cheeks redden, Cas decided to drop the subject for now and accept Dean’s statement.  “Okay, my love.”  There was relief in Dean’s eyes as Cas leaned up to kiss him gently.  They held each other for a few more moments.  When they separated, Charlie and Meg were coming out of the house, talking animatedly.  For once, it was not born out of frustration.  They actually seemed to be engaged in conversation.  “Well, that is nice to see.”

“Maybe it won’t be as bad as we thought,” agreed Dean.

Meg stomped over to them.  “You boys done because I believe Jody and the girls are here.”

Dean stared at the demon.  “And how do you know that.”

“She felt Gabriel return,” Cas said blandly.  “They should be here any second.”  Before he even finished Gabriel came around the side of the house with four women in tow.  Jody was clearly reprimanding him for some reason, and the archangel was simply taking it.  Claire skated around Jody and Gabriel. 

“Hey, Blondie,” called Dean.

“Hey, Old Man,” snarked Claire as she closed the distance between them.  Her focus quickly shifted to the angel standing at his side.  “Hi, Cas.”

Cas gave her a heartfelt smile.  “Hello, Claire.  I missed you.”

“Yeah, you, too, softy.  Wow, you couldn’t have picked somewhere nicer to make your top secret island.”  Claire smirked as she stared at Cas.  Before either could say anything further, a young woman walked up to stand next to Claire.  She had long red hair and green eyes, almost the same color as Dean’s.  The sight made Cas take a slight step back.  Claire rolled her eyes at him.  “I know.  It’s kinda freaky.”

“I wouldn’t use that word.”  He frowned at Claire before extending his hand to the young woman.  “Hello, my name is Castiel, and this is Dean.”

The women paled as she took Cas’ proffered hand.  She trembled so Cas found himself wrapping both his hands around her small, soft hand.  He watched as she swallowed harshly.  Claire stepped closer to the nervous young woman as she looked between them.  “You don’t have to be nervous.  If you ignore the angel thing, he’s a dorky guy who has terrible taste.” Claire smiled in Dean’s direction as she finished.

“Hey!” squawked Dean.

As he released the woman’s hand, Cas fondly shook his head at the all too familiar bickering.  “They have a tendency to act like children around each other.  It’s because they are so much alike.”

“We are not alike,” argued Claire as she placed her hands on her hips. 

Dean glared at Cas.  “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Of course, Dean,” said Cas with a patronizing lilt to his voice.  Dean bumped his shoulder into Cas, and the angel turned to face him.  As soon as their eyes locked, they smiled at each other.  Cas nodded before returning his attention to their guest. 

Claire took the opportunity to introduce her friend.  “Dean, Cas.  This is Dani.”

“It is nice to meet you.  We have set up a house for the four of you.  Welcome to the island,” Cas said formally.  He extended the same greeting to Jody and Alex who had joined them.  Hugs were quickly exchanged.  Jody held Cas a bit tighter than usual.  “You look happy,” she whispered in his ear.  He squeezed her shoulder as he said, “I am.”

Once all the greetings and hugs were done, Meg and Charlie gave the women a quick tour of the house.  Claire made a hasty retreat, pulling Cas along with her.  Cas was barely able to say goodbye to Dean before they were taking off down the beach.  Claire didn't waste a moment before launching into her interrogation.  “How are you?  How are you and Dean?  Is he treating you right?  Because if he’s not I will take care of it.”

There was little Cas could do but smile at her overprotectiveness.  It was an odd dynamic that had developed between them after the coma.  She frowned at him as he grinned at her.  After she rolled her eyes, he finally said, “I'm happy here.  Dean has been a wonderful partner so you don’t need to protect me.  I'm not saying everything has been perfect, but for the situation I think we have done remarkably well.”

“So, what hasn’t been perfect?’

“I should have known you’d focus on that part.  We fight.”  Claire's face morphed into one of anger.  “Not physical fights.  I have been informed they are pretty typical fights for people in a relationship.  He hates that I leave wet towels on the ground.  I get frustrated when he leaves dirty cups in the sink.  Supposedly, I don’t fold laundry correctly.  There are times when I get irritated because he tries to baby me.”

Claire reached out and took his hand.  “You know where that comes from.  I'm guilty of the same thing.  So are Charlie, Pamela, and Sam.  Jody and Alex.  Even Garth.”

Nodding, Cas smiled almost sadly.  “I know it comes from a good place, but it's different coming from him.  I rescued Dean from hell.  My role was to save him and protect him, not the other way around.”

Letting go of Cas’ hand, Claire walked a few paces ahead.  She turned to face him.  “It’s ironic you know.  Both of you are cut from the same cloth.  Dean is a protector.  He was practically born to it.  What with having to raise Sam.  And you a bonafide guardian angel.  Now you both want to be that for the other.”

Cas chuckled.  “It is a work in progress.  We are learning patience.  What about you and Dani?”

Claire abruptly turned around and started walking quickly away.  “I don’t know,” she yelled over her shoulder.  “I like her, but she is hurt.  It’s not the right time to pursue something with her.  It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” 

Cas caught up to her then and made her turn to face him.   He felt apprehensive but refused to shy away from the conversation.  “You think it’s too soon?” he asked tentatively.

“Not for you and Dean.  Geez Cas this is way different than the two of you.  You have history and friendship.  Years of dancing around each other.  I just met Dani, and even though I am interested in her it has to wait.  She needs time to recover without adding complications.  It’s why I brought her here.”

 

By the time they got back to the house, lunch was being served.  Dean walked over to Cas and pulled him in for a long, slow kiss. 

“Wow, so I see you got over your sexuality crisis.”

Dean barely separated from Cas.  His breath tingling across Cas’ lips as he said, “I always greet my angel with a kiss, so get used to it Claire.”

Meg, Charlie, and Rowena were mired in laughter while Gabriel said, “It’s worse than the eye-sex.” 

“Way worse,” said Meg.

“Nauseatingly cute,” scoffed Rowena.

“It’s sweet,” cooed Charlie.

Meg leaned into Charlie’s space.  “You would think that.”  Charlie grinned widely.  “Do you ever stop smiling?” asked Meg. 

Shrugging her shoulders, Charlie said, “Everyone is safe, so why not smile.”

“I agree with that,” announced Jody as she sat down a platter of food.  “Let’s eat.” 

Cas and Dean stood to the side and watched the women gather their food.  “It’s good to have them here,” whispered Dean.  His lips brushing up against Castiel’s ear.  The angel turned and kissed Dean lightly.  As they separated, Dean sighed, “Hmm…love that.”  He opened his eyes to see Cas smiling up at him.  “I love that, too.”  Cas cocked his head to the side inquisitively.  Dean chuckled as he said, “I love that, too.  You’re pretty damn adorable when you smile and when you give me that look.”  The angel’s smile grew, but he did not speak.  “That makes you happy, huh?”

“Yes," answered Cas.  He placed his hand on Dean’s cheek, running his thumb gently across the stubbled skin.  “I’m happy.”

“Good,” rasped Dean as his throat constricted with emotion.

“We should eat.”

“Yeah, yeah.  We should,” said Dean as Cas led him toward the others.

Once their plates were filled, they sat down next to Jody and Alex.  Jody immediately launched into an explanation of how they met Dani.  The story was a sad one, and Cas could see the toll the investigation had taken on Jody.  The six-month hunt culminated in the discovery of a serial killer.  The crossover between the crimes had led Jody to believe she was hunting for one unknown monster.  It was only after Claire found Dani alive that she realized there was more than one monster, and that one of those monsters was simply a man.  “He used the monster’s killings as a cover to carry out his crimes.”

“And you’re sure he was a hunter,” asked Dean.

“Yes, when I finally arrested him, we found plenty of evidence of that.  I just…”  Jody sighed heavily.  “How could a hunter become a rapist and murderer?”

Castiel drummed his fingers on his knee.  “It was intelligent to use the other crimes to deflect from his own crimes.  If you were not both a hunter and a law enforcement official, he would have gotten away with it.”

“It was more Claire and Dani than me.  If Claire hadn’t found her and Dani hadn’t been such a fighter, we may have never figured it out.”

“How is she doing?” Cas asked quietly as he looked at Dani. 

Jody followed his gaze.  “She is surviving.  After giving what evidence she could, she shut down.  She won’t talk about it.  It’s why Claire wanted to bring her here.”

Cas pulled his eyes off the young woman and looked at the sheriff.  “It was the right choice.  She will get help here.  I know I did.”

 

The lights were out and the soft sounds of waves cascaded into the darkened room.  The body at his side wiggled and shifted relentlessly.  Dean tried to wait it out and let Cas settle on his own, but when it did not stop, he rolled on top of Cas.  The angel stopped moving, exhaling in relief.  “What is bothering you, Cas?”

“Nothing.  I just can’t get comfortable.” 

“That wasn't convincing at all.  Would you like to try again?” asked Dean in a huff.  Dean rolled to his side, flopping Cas down next to him.  He held the angel loosely, relaxing against him. 

“I was telling the truth.  Nothing is bothering me.  I just can’t sleep.”  Cas kissed Dean's forehead.  “I’ll get up and go do something so you can sleep.”

“I don’t believe you,” whispered Dean.

Sighing Cas said, “I should have known I couldn’t fool you.  Stupid bond.”

“Hey now.  It was more than just the bond.”  Dean carded his fingers through Cas’ hair, tucking an arrant piece behind his ear.  “You seemed good at dinner so what changed.”

Cas curled into Dean, burying his face in the man’s chest, so his words were mumbled when he finally spoke.  “Talking about Jody’s case and Dani brought to mind my time in captivity.  I was fine during the conversation, but once we got back here it all came back.  I felt a moment of panic when it was time to get in bed with you.”  Dean blanched and tried to pull away, but Cas held firm.  “Dean, every time I have one of these moments you try to back away.  You know I don’t want that.  I know you think you're doing it for my benefit, but it actually hurts me when you pull away.  You are the love of my supremely long existence, and you are my future so don’t make me lose that for even a heartbeat.”

Tears welled in the hunter’s eyes.  “I don’t want to hurt you.  It’s the last thing I want.”  Unable to hold them back, the tears cascaded down his face.  “I’m so sorry.” 

Cas heard the crack in Dean’s voice.  It compelled him to lift his head.  The anguish in Dean’s expressive green eyes sent a twinge of pain straight through their bond.  He raised both his hands to Dean’s face, cupping it lightly.  The tears ran along his fingers as Cas gently kissed the hunter’s trembling lips.   “My love,” Cas whispered, and then he kissed Dean again. He repeated that sequence several times until Dean responded to the kiss.  It was a simple press of his lips, but Cas reveled in it.  Weathering any setback made the angel feel stronger, more sure of their relationship.  Between fevered kisses, he confided these feelings to Dean, and Dean melted into Cas with every word and every touch.  Cas did not hesitate when he realized what was being offered.  Dean was pliant in his arms, content to let Cas take full control.  It was breathtaking.  He was breathtaking. 

The process was gentle and slow, and when Dean let himself go it was on a soft sigh.  Cas held him and caressed him until he lay still in his arms.  As Dean’s breathing evened out, Cas untangled himself, kissing Dean’s forehead before making his way to the bathroom.  He returned quietly as to not disturb the peaceful atmosphere.  He wiped Dean down with a reverent touch.  The hunter reached for Cas when he went to get off the bed.  “Leave it,” croaked Dean.  His voice as spent as his body.  “Stay with me.”  Cas laid down next to him, and Dean instantly rolled into his space.  Laying his head on Cas chest, Dean whispered, “Did you?”

A part of Cas wanted to ignore the question, but the need for honesty won out.  “No, but it’s okay because it was amazing to watch you and see you so lost in my touch.”

“I have never experienced that before.”  Dean shook slightly, so Cas tightened his hold on the hunter.  “I can’t even describe what it felt like to let go so completely.”

A twinge of nerves bubbled up in Cas’ throat.  In a broken voice he asked, “Did you enjoy it?”

“Oh Sweetheart.”  Dean lifted his head seeking out Cas’ gorgeous blue eyes.  “It was amazing.” 

Cas’ felt his face heat up and his lips explode into a beaming smile.  “Good.  That’s good,” he said dreamily.

With a cocky grin on his face and a flirtatious wink, Dean said, “Castiel, my angel, it was so much better than good.  You need to delve into that immense vocabulary and pick a new word.”  Laughter bubbled out of Dean, and Cas soon joined him.  They giggled and kissed before settling down to lay side-by-side.  “Ya know even though you distracted me, I remember what we were talking about.”

“It was not a distraction.  We talked. We shared.  And then I decided to show you a good time,” finished Cas with a barely contained smirk.

“Oh my God.  You did not just use a cheesy pick up line.  Who are you?”

“What I was channeling my inner Dean Winchester?”

Dean dramatically fell back on the bed clutching his chest.  “You wound me.”  He turned his head and smiled at Cas.  “I have better game than that.”

The angel returned the smile.  With a raised eyebrow, Cas lowered his voice and said, “I am well aware.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter and the epilogue to go. Both are written. They just need to be edited, so they should be posted soon.


	67. Coming Together and Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second to last chapter and therefore is a bit longer than the others. Only the epilogue remains. This story is now officially the longest thing I have ever written. Thanks for the kudos and for joining me on this long journey.

Jody and Alex only stayed for a week. Dean spent many hours with Jody discussing the situation at home. She assured him it was mostly quiet and that Sam’s plans were well underway. It surprised him to learn Gabriel and Crowley were fully entrenched in the process. The last year had changed so many perceptions and created a strange alliance between hunters, angels, demons, and werewolves. And seeing as Rowena returned to the states with Jody and Alex, set to take part in some mysterious mission, it seemed Dean needed to add witches to that list. Part of Dean wanted to know more about the mission, but a bigger part was not ready to fully engage in life off the island. It was strange because he had thought with more time away, he would want to know more about life back home. The island, however, had grown on him. Seeing Castiel smile every day may have had the most to do with his change of heart. _Okay so there was no maybe about it,_ Dean admitted to himself. Seeing Cas happy made Dean happy. Plain and simple.

He looked over at Cas talking with Claire and Dani. There was a lightness in Dani’s eyes which was not there when she first arrived. Just a little over a month and the island was already working its wonders on her. Claire was a harder nut to crack. Dean could see the affection in her eyes when she looked at Dani, but he could also see the wanderlust. Island life did not suit her. As much as she tried to make it so, Dean knew it was not where she belonged. Claire was a hunter. She had only waited days after Cas’ rescue to dive back into the fight, so her time here must seem interminable. Dean recognized the signs, and he knew Cas did as well. They hadn’t discussed it yet, but the time was coming. If she stayed much longer, she would come to resent Dani, and then she would feel guilty. She was too much like Dean or the Dean of the past. The boy and then the man whose sole purpose in life had been protecting his brother and hunting the monsters of the world. Dean was no longer that man. Claire was not there yet. She was young and hungry, and leaving others to hunt went against her view of herself.

There were moments Dean could see pain in Cas’ eyes when the angel looked at Claire. Cas carried a burden of guilt when it came to Claire which only intensified with the realization Claire saw herself as a hunter first. It was not what either of them wanted for her, but Dean felt they had no choice but to support her. Dean knew Cas would do the right thing and encourage her despite his own misgivings. _Tonight_ , he thought. _We can’t put it off any longer_.

 

As Dean served Cas a plate full of spaghetti and meatballs, he approached the subject which had nagged at him all day. “She can’t stay here.” Despite his vague statement, Cas understood. His eyes filled with a knowing sadness, and his smile fell away. Dean sat down next to him and dug into his own plate.

“I know,” Cas said wistfully, “But it would be nice if she could.”

“This isn’t the place for her right now. One of us needs to talk to her about it or she will keep hanging on in some misguided attempt at loyalty.”

Cas set his unused fork down and folded his hands in his lap. “I think you should be the one to talk to her. You understand her in ways I cannot.”

Patting Cas’ arm, Dean nodded, “Okay. I can do it. Do you think we should talk to Dani, too? Try and explain.”

“We need to let Claire explain herself, but after I will be more than happy to support Dani. It won’t be easy for her to see Claire walk away. I know how that…” Cas snapped his jaw shut and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean…”

Dean cut him off. “Yes, you did. I walked away after you told me you loved me. We can’t pretend that didn’t happen.”

“No, but I don’t have to point it out all the time.”

Laughter burst out of Dean. “A couple of comments hardly constitutes all the time, Cas.” When Cas didn't join in the laughter or even crack a smile, Dean said, “Come on, Sunshine, we need to laugh at ourselves and the stupid shit we did. Dwelling on it does nothing for us.”

A tiny smile formed at the corners of Cas’ mouth, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s hard for me still. To let it all go, especially my own mistakes. The freest I have felt was the other night when you put yourself in my hands. I don’t understand why, but the guilt, the shame, and the fear were gone.” Dean’s smile grew, and he moved closer to Cas with an eager expression. “Not permanently, Dean, but in that moment.”

Dean deflated slightly. “I guess it was too much to wish that it would just vanish into thin air. We have both carried guilt for too long.”

“Which is why we need to help Claire and Dani before they face the same issue?”

Leaning back, Dean cocked an eyebrow at Cas. “You know Claire already suffers from guilt.”

Sighing, Castiel hunched his shoulders. “I know, but it doesn’t mean she has to be burdened with more.”

“So, I’ll talk to her tomorrow,” Dean said as he rubbed Cas’ shoulder. “Now eat so we can watch a movie and relax.”

“It has been a long day.” Cas nodded at Dean and then picked up his fork. “This smells delicious.”

“Too bad we didn’t eat it before it got cold.” Before he even finished complaining, Cas touched each of their plates and steam rose from the spaghetti.

“Better?” asked Cas. Dean gave him a goofy grin as he twined a huge mouthful onto his fork. Cas chuckled and shook his head, affection shining in his eyes.

After swallowing, Dean winked at Cas. “That’s useful. I think I’ll keep you around.” The light left Castiel’s eyes and a haunted look swept over his face. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?” Cas stared, and Dean tried to decipher the meaning behind the expression. Then, Dean’s own words rang in his ears, followed by Cas’ words about needing to be of use. “Dammit,” Dean admonished himself. “Cas, that is not what I meant. I want you around because I love you and you are amazing, not because you can do shit with your grace.”

Some of the pain slipped out of the angel’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered sadly. “I know you were just teasing.”

Dean started to ask Cas why he looked so sad if he knew that but stopped himself.   Instead he said, “I was.” He took Cas’ hand. “Better?”

“Yes.” Cas shifted nervously on his seat while picking at his food. Dean watched out of the corner of his eye as he finished his own dinner. The fidgeting continued to grow worse. Cas finally settled his movements when he looked up at the ceiling. “What I mentioned before…you don’t think it’s strange that I…um… enjoyed being in control.”

“Not any stranger than me getting off on giving up control.” Standing up, Dean took their plates to the sink. He rinsed them as he said, “You may need that right now to feel safe, and I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way. But if we both like it, what’s the harm?” Setting the plates down, Dean flipped around to find Cas still staring at the ceiling. Slowly, Cas lowered his head. Worried blue eyes met Dean’s. “What are you worried about?”

“That I am using you or pressuring you or I don’t know…being like him,” blurted Cas in an increasingly tense, strained voice.

Dean raced around the counter and pulled Cas into his arms. “How could you possibly think that? We talk about everything. Every damn step. Nothing happened that I wasn’t one hundred percent on board.”

“If that’s true then why haven’t you brought up sex?”

“Cas, we talk about sex a lot. I mean a lot more than I’ve ever discussed with a partner.”

Castiel worried his lip between his teeth. Inhaling sharply, he released it before saying, “We do talk, but since our one conversation about penetrative sex you have never brought it up again. Even when I try to hint at it.”

While rolling his eyes, Dean cracked a smile. “Why you insist on calling it that…I’d even go for making love instead of that.”

“Fine, you haven't mentioned making love at all. Why?” said Cas with exasperation.

Dean shook his head. “The why doesn’t matter since we are talking about it now.” He paused briefly, never taking his eyes off Castiel. “I am ready whenever you are. I’ve been learning about it, and I’ve been experimenting.” The look of betrayal on Cas’ face felt like a punch to the gut, but he chose to ignore it and forge ahead. “I didn’t want to bring it up and risk a problem, if it wasn’t something I would want. So, I took the advice Darla gave you and tried to learn about my body and what I want.”

Cas’ face softened into one of understanding and adoration. “And what did you discover,” asked Cas, voice gruff and tentative.

A flash of heat filled Dean’s body and settled in his cheeks. He tried to duck his head to hide his blush, but Cas lifted his chin, smiling encouragingly at him. “That I want it. I want you to be…are you really going to make me say it?” Cas’ look was enough to know he was, so Dean muttered, “I want you to fuck me.”

They both sat absolutely still, breathing harshly, with matching dumbfounded expressions. Cas composed himself first. “Do you know what you’re saying?”

“No, Cas. I don’t know what getting fucked means,” hurled Dean, words laced with sarcasm. “Of course, I know what it means, and I know what I want before you ask that.” Cas’ eyes widened, and he bit back his words. “You were actually going to ask that weren’t you,” chuckled a disgruntled Dean. “Give me a little credit, Cas. I took the time to understand my needs and my wants. I watched porn, and then I touched myself…there, and it felt good. Damn good, so yeah I want you that way.” And with those words, the Angel of the Lord blushed profusely and looked away first, a rarity in their long relationship. “Aww…you’re adorable.”

“Shut up, Dean,” said Cas with absolutely no force. “I was surprised. I assumed you would want to…”

“Fuck you,” said Dean when Cas hesitated.

“Yes, that.”

“I’m not saying I would never want to do that, but right now that's not what I fantasize about.”

Cas braced himself on the counter as a surge of arousal coursed through his body. “You envision us having sex?” Mesmerized by the desire in Cas’ eyes, Dean could only nod. “I do, too,” said Cas shyly.

Voice cracking, Dean asked, “What is your fantasy?”

“Me fucking you until you scream my name.” The pent-up desire in the statement was tempered by a hint of trepidation as he said, “I’m glad I know what you want, Dean, and I’m glad it matches my own desires, but I’m not sure I’m ready to move it from fantasy to reality.”

Willing away the erection Cas’ use of the word fucking instantly created, Dean said, “That’s all right. I can wait.” He gave Cas a reassuring smile before leaning in to kiss him. Cas ran his fingers along Dean’s neck, accepting the kiss with a contented sigh. “Love you,” whispered Dean as he took a breath.

“I love you, too. Thank you for understanding.”

“Hmm…as long as you don’t stop kissing me like that, I’m good.”

“Well, then…” Cas sucked Dean’s bottom lip between his teeth, sweeping his tongue along the tender flesh. Dean moaned at the contact, opening fully to Cas. The angel surged forward, and Dean found himself surrounded by Cas’ scent, his hard body, and his demanding tongue. It was everything Dean wanted, and he whimpered, practically begging for more. “Dean, what do you want?”

“Um…couch…less clothes.” Cas pulled Dean to his feet and walked him backwards to the couch. Stripping off their shirts on the way. They tumbled to the couch, laughing into each other’s mouths. Minutes or hours later, Dean lay tucked under Cas’ chin, tracing patterns into the angel’s bare chest. “We should really wash the dishes,” he said, exhaustion evident in his slurred speech.

“It can wait. Sleep, my love.”

“Okay.”

 

The sun was shining brightly the next morning when Dean spotted Claire standing at the edge of the water. He walked slowly toward her. She must have heard his approach because she turned to face him. “What is it?” she demanded. Dean froze. “Don’t look so shocked. You look like you’d rather be anywhere else.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not going to argue with you on that. Talking isn’t my favorite thing.”

“So, why do it then?”

“Because I picked the short straw.” He started walking toward the inlet, gesturing for her to join him. As she came up next to him, he said, “And it’s the right thing to do.” His voice faded away, and they walked in silence until they were seated on the dock. With his shoes removed and his feet dangling in the water, Dean relaxed enough to open the conversation. “You aren’t happy here.” He held up his hand to stop her retort. “You aren’t so don’t bother lying. You’re itching to leave. I can see it. Cas sees it.”

“So, what?” she snapped.

“It’s okay that you want to leave. Dani will understand.”

“What if I don’t understand?” Claire speared him with an intense look. “I thought I wanted to be here.” She swallowed harshly and then added, “With her.”

Dean leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m not saying you don’t, but it’s obvious you want to go home. Every time we mention Sam or hunting, you practically salivate. This isn’t the life for you. You want to hunt.”

Her sharp look turned accusatory. “So do you, and yet here you are.” Claire waved her arms around aggressively.

“Hunting isn’t my life anymore, not like it used to be. I’m not saying I’m done with it, just that I want more. My life here is good and that’s why I’m here.”

She stared at him for several seconds, clearly biting back a comment, so Dean waited. After dropping her gaze, she said, “I figured you were here because of Cas.”

Chuckling Dean nodded, “At first, maybe, but the more time I spent here the more I realized I needed this. I’ve been a hunter for so long it defined me. After all these years, it was time I defined myself.” Thinking about how true those words were Dean found himself smiling. At his side, Claire huffed in annoyance. He bumped his shoulder into her. “You need to do the same for yourself. It’s your choice to stay or go. To hunt or not. If you stay solely for Dani, you will both end up regretting it.”

Claire leaned against Dean and sighed, “Yeah.” Dean wrapped his arm around her. “How do I tell her? She’s been through so much.”

“The only advice I have is to be honest and tell her how you feel and why.”

 

A week passed before Claire finally told Dani the truth. Within days, Claire was gone. Afraid of being alone, Dani moved in with Meg and Charlie. Cas spent many hours with the young woman, but eventually she found a group of friends her own age. The next month passed quickly and before they knew it, it was time to say goodbye to Charlie. Shockingly, it was Meg who seemed most affected by it. Tears clung at the edges of her lashes as she hugged Charlie. She turned and walked away without a backward glance. Charlie stood rigid with her mouth hanging open. Dean and Cas eyed each other, shrugging in confusion.

Turning to face them, Charlie sputtered, “What the hell?”

“Beats me,” retorted Dean.

Charlie’s gaze fell on the angel. “She must like you," he said.

There was little anyone could add to that observation so Charlie gave each of them one final hug before leaving. It hit Dean later that night. “It’s just you and me now.”

“Are you complaining?” growled Cas as he crawled into bed with Dean.

Eyeing the naked body before him, Dean shook his head instantly. “Nope. Not even one tiny bit.” Cas knelt between Dean’s legs, spreading his thighs wider. Dean gasped, “Cas.”

Cas’ long fingers caressed his thighs before sliding up his sides. Bracketing Dean’s body, Cas looked down at Dean, raking his eyes over his body. “You are beautiful.” Unable to contain it, Dean whined. He reached for Cas desperately. He needed to touch him, but Cas had other ideas. He sat back on his heels, placing his hands on Dean’s hips. His blue eyes stayed trained on Dean as he brushed his cheek along the bulge in Dean’s boxers. Dean’s hips jolted at the contact. “Oh God…that feels so…” His words were stolen from him as Cas mouthed at his cloth covered erection.

Forcing himself to focus Dean said, “You don’t have to.”

Cas _hmm’_ d _,_ sending vibrations through Dean’s cock. Any semblance of control Dean had was gone. He watched Cas lower his boxers and grab the base of his cock. When Cas’ mouth closed over the tip, Dean, overcome by the wet heat, closed his eyes and moaned. As Cas worked his mouth up and down, Dean’s hands found their way into Cas’ hair. With encouragement from Cas, Dean rocked his hips gently. The flick of a tongue followed deep suction, and Dean lost himself in the alternating sensations. His breathing grew ragged, and he mumbled Cas’ name on a loop. The angel never let up, keeping Dean on edge and writhing.   Desperate to see Cas, he snapped his eyes open. The sight of Cas’ gorgeous mouth stretched around his cock was amazing, but when he saw Cas stroking himself, he was overwhelmed. His orgasm crested, but before he fully succumbed, he said, “Come with me, Angel.” Cas gasped, and then Dean felt the splash of hot cum on his leg.  Feeling Cas work through his orgasm sent Dean over the edge.  He groaned with pleasure as he pulled Cas up to meet him. The kiss was wet and messy and everything Dean needed in that moment. _He used his hand._ The words kept running through his mind. He didn’t realize he was saying it out loud until he heard, “I use my hand every day.”

“Not for that you don’t.” Dean stared up into Cas’ deep blue eyes. “You did it.”

Cas’ eyes softened and filled with love. “I did,” he said sounding surprised by his own admission. “I didn’t even think about it. I was so hard, and I needed relief.”

“Your body knew what it needed. Not thinking probably helped.”

“All the noises you were making definitely helped. I see what Pamela was talking about now. You are most certainly not quiet.”

“Hey.”

Cas placed his index finger over Dean’s lips, quieting his retort. “I wonder, my love, what noises you will make when I am buried inside you.” Dean’s eyes widened comically. Cas removed his finger, replacing it with his lips. He licked along the seam making Dean gasp and his mouth fall open. The gasp turned into a contented sigh when Cas swept his tongue inside Dean’s mouth. When Cas broke off the kiss, he leaned their foreheads together.

In a breathy voice, Dean whispered, “If I were a younger man, I would be hard again. You wouldn’t even have needed to kiss me. The words were enough.” He stopped and pulled back slightly. “Are you saying you’re ready to try?”

“I wish I could say yes, but I think soon is more accurate.” Cas bit his lip, gazing at Dean with both hope and regret.

Dean gave Cas a bright smile, grabbing his face and planting a hard kiss on his lips. “I’ll take it.”

 

The outdoor kitchen was finished, and Dean had gotten his wish. Cas in a toolbelt. The angel chuckled to himself at the memory of Dean’s heated gaze when he walked out in nothing but the belt. So much of their time together now was filled with laughter and lust. The flinching was almost completely gone after Cas was finally able to come with Dean’s hand stroking him to completion. It was like a dam was opened then, and Cas welcomed the flood. He relished their time together both in and out of bed. Life was good except for one issue. He knew it was wasteful to get hung up on it, but he often found himself thinking about it. Consumed by images and desires and failures. Each time he went to tell Dean he was ready, he froze. He covered with inane conversation, knowing Dean didn't believe him in the slightest. He was too transparent. What with his poor lying skills and their bond, it was no wonder Dean stared at him knowingly. He could feel Dean reaching for him, urging him to talk, but the hunter never said a word out loud. He let Cas keep up his charade. The angel was grateful, but also saddened. It was not what he wanted for them. So he pushed himself. It was time. Dean had done it, so Cas needed to try at the very least.

He touched himself, exploring his body. He even went so far as to run his fingers over his hole, cupping his balls as a distraction. His body jackknifed away from the contact. After that, he avoided anything to do with his ass, concentrating on finding pleasure in other ways. He read about anal sex, and all he would need to do to please Dean and avoid hurting him. He knew that if there was even a hint of pain, it would destroy any progress he made. Dean was trusting him with this most intimate act, and Castiel was determined to honor that faith. That thought replaced all others. And it was that thought which helped Cas overcome any remaining hurdles.

Two days after his epiphany, Dean walked into their bedroom. Swim trunks slung low, dripping wet, and smiling. Cas moved instantly. His only thought was to touch Dean, every inch of his gorgeous tanned skin. His arms looped around Dean’s waist, and he kissed along the back of his neck. Sucking up the moisture. “You’re lucky I rinsed off or you’d be tasting salt.” Mouthing along Dean’s jaw, Cas nodded. “What’s gotten into you?” asked Dean mirthfully.

“You. All wet and sexy.” Cas’ hands slid down. One trailed along Dean’s thigh. The other dipped under the top Dean’s swim trunks. “May I?”

“God, yes,” gasped Dean. The second Cas’ hand wrapped around his cock, Dean’s hips rocked forward, and a loud moan erupted from his throat. “That feels so good.” As Cas lightly slid his hand up and down, he kissed the side of Dean’s neck, and then slid his tongue along his jawline. The hunter turned his head, mouth open and panting. Cas took the invitation and slid his tongue inside. The contact made both men groan. Cas deepened the kiss as Dean grabbed the back of his head, tangling his fingers in Cas’ soft, dark hair. Reveling in the contact, Cas rocked his body forward. His erection rubbed against the swell of Dean’s ass, causing a new rush of arousal to his groin. Cas tightened his hold on Dean’s cock as the hunter bucked his hips. The motion brought them both the friction they needed. But within seconds, the wet swim trunks were too rough. Cas pushed the offending article down Dean’s hips, and the hunter kicked them off the rest of the way.

“You too, Cas. Please.” Dean’s hand dropped away from Cas’ head as he reached for Cas’ shorts.

Cas felt Dean’s trembling hands on his hips. He pressed them flat against his skin and whispered in Dean’s ear. “Slow down, Dean. I want to take my time.” Dean stilled in his arms and relaxed back against him. Cas released Dean’s cock and turned the hunter around. “I want you. I want all of you.” He eyed Dean pointedly hoping his meaning was clear.

“Do you mean…?” Cas nodded. Dean’s body shivered, and his head dropped back. “Oh, fuck.” The reaction was mesmerizing, but it was the dampness he felt on his groin that made Cas’ hips snap forward. He looked down to see liquid pooling at the slit of Dean’s cock. When he lifted his head, Cas found Dean staring at him with unabashed need. Voice low and gritty, Dean said, “I want that, too. You have no idea how much.”

Smiling and tipping his head down, Cas said, “I think I do.”

“Shut up and kiss me, you cocky bastard.”

Before he complied to Dean’s command, Cas pulled Dean up into his arms. Only after Dean wrapped his legs around the angel did he fulfill Dean’s wish. This kiss was anything but sedate. He plundered Dean’s mouth, making the hunter writhe uncontrollably in his arms. By the time Cas lowered Dean to the bed, they were both desperate, hands and mouths seeking any point of contact. Cas was the one to pull back to get some semblance of control, but Dean didn’t slow down. He pleaded with Castiel. “Please, Cas. I need you. Please fuck me.”

“I am not going to fuck you. I am going to make love to you.”

Dean’s green eyes, filled with desire, stared up at the angel. “I need it, Cas. I need you to fuck me. I need you to own me."  Cas’ head snapped back, and his breath caught in his chest. He shook his head emphatically. Dean rested his hands on Castiel’s cheeks to still the movement.

Swallowing hard, his voice cracked with emotion, Cas said, “You are not a possession.”

“No, but I am yours. You have my soul. You have my heart. Now I want you to have my body.”

Arousal coursing through his body, Cas growled, “That is the hottest fucking thing I've ever heard.”

Dean beamed at Cas. “It must be, if it got you to say fucking.” He pulled Cas down, capturing his lips. His hands ran wild across Cas’ body, unwilling or unable to settle. There was a franticness to his movements and his kisses. When Cas eased back to take a deep breath, Dean mumbled, “I’m acting like I’m some teenage virgin. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this turned on and filled with nerves. It’s ridiculous.”

“It is your first time in some ways,” Cas said calmly.”

“And why are you so fucking calm. You’re the inexperienced one.”

“Being an angel helps with that.”

Hurt filled Dean’s eyes, and he looked away from Cas. “I don’t want you to hold back, Cas.”

“If I hadn’t it would already be over.” Cas leaned over until he could capture Dean’s gaze. “I promise I am not holding anything else back.”

With a sigh, Dean said, “Okay, good.” He gave Cas a quick kiss before sliding across the bed, dragging the angel along with him. He opened the drawer of the nightstand and then looked at Cas shyly. “Um…you still want to.” Instead of answering, Cas ground his groin against Dean’s, surprisingly they were both still rock hard even after the interruption. “Thank God,” sighed Dean. Cas reached into the drawer and pulled out the bottle of lube. When he reached back in for the box of condoms, he noticed some other items in the drawer. Dean scrambled to shut the drawer. “Ignore that other stuff. It was Gabriel’s idea of a joke.”

The surge of adrenaline Cas felt through their bond made him ask, “Did you use any of them?” Dean covered his face with his hands. “Dean look at me.” The hunter slowly lowered his hands and looked at Cas with half-lidded eyes. “Which one?”

“The green one,” Dean whispered.

“Did you like it?”

Dean nodded slightly as he nervously said, “It’s how I really knew I wanted this.”

Cas watched as Dean closed his eyes and licked his lips. “Then you shall have what you want.” The angel slid them back to the center of the bed. He kissed Dean firmly on the mouth before moving down to kiss his neck. He nipped along Dean’s collarbone as his fingers found one of Dean’s nipples. The hunter moaned and rutted up against Cas. As he kissed down Dean’s chest, Cas opened the bottle of lube and coated his fingers. He used his legs to spread Dean’s thighs wide as he lowered his head to take the man’s cock in his mouth.

The first touch of his finger to Dean’s hole had them both groaning in pleasure. Despite Dean’s continual pleas, Cas took his time, circling his finger along the tight muscle, only dipping in slightly when he felt Dean relax. His finger slid in further when Dean ground down on it. Within seconds he was practically fucking himself on Cas’ finger. The angel released Dean’s cock, desperate to see. He sat back and watched, growing harder with every thrust. When Dean’s hips slowed, Cas slid in a second finger. Dean’s back arched and his fists clenched. Cas found himself desperate for more contact. He surged up to kiss the hunter. Their tongues collided, both fighting for dominance until Dean let Cas take control. By then, the angel had three fingers buried inside Dean.

“Please, Cas. I need you now.” Dean’s voice was wrecked, and his thighs were trembling.

Cas ran his free hand along Dean’s quaking body, soothing him as he pulled his fingers out. Dean’s reached out trying to regain contact with Cas’ body. “Shh…my love,” whispered Cas. His hands shaking, the angel fumbled with the condom.

Dean wrapped his hand around Cas’ long fingers. “Let me,” he uttered shakily. Cas cried out as Dean rolled the condom on and slicked up his throbbing cock.

“Stop,” commanded Cas. “I’m going to come if you keep doing that.” Dean dropped his hand away and laid his head back on the pillow. “Are you ready?” asked Cas tenderly. In answer, Dean pulled his legs back exposing himself fully to Cas’ watchful eyes. Cas slid his cock along Dean’s crack before pushing into his body.   He entered Dean on a long slow slide until he was flush against his body. They both stared at each other in awe. “It’s more amazing than I ever expected, Dean,” Cas said as he gently ran his fingers through Dean’s hair.

Dean exhaled slowly. His voice cracked as he said, “I love you, Cas. I’m ready.” Cas took him at his word, pulling out slightly and pressing back in. It took them a bit to find a rhythm, but when they did Dean moaned loudly as he encouraged Cas to go faster and harder.

It didn't take long for Cas to feel the spike in his arousal. “Dean, touch yourself. I need you to come with me.” He shifted, giving Dean room to take his own erection in hand. The change in angle caused Cas to hit Dean’s prostate on every thrust. Dean cried out Cas’ name when his orgasm rocketed through him. Cas followed him over the edge, repeatedly saying, “Love you,” until he collapsed on top of Dean. He felt Dean run his hand through his sweaty hair. He lifted his chin from where it was buried in Dean’s neck. The hunter gave him a tiny smile. Cas closed the distance between them and kissed him gently. “I do love you, Dean.”

“I know, Sunshine.” Cas closed his eyes and rested his head on Dean’s chest. When he awoke, Dean was still carding his hands through Cas’ hair. “Welcome back.”

There was an uncertainty to Dean’s voice that gave the angel pause. “Dean, are you all right?”

“I don’t want to take away from how incredible that was, but there is something bugging me. I know you said you weren’t using your grace, but after the other time…”

Cas lifted his head so he could see Dean’s expression. “I promise I would never risk doing that again. I hurt you that day, and I will forever regret my actions.” Staring into Dean’s eyes, Cas remembered the terror he saw in those same green eyes. The terror he felt within his own body and soul. Every moment of that fateful encounter came back to the angel in vivid technicolor. The touch near the crack of his ass that sent him spiraling despite his attempts to temper his panic with his grace. The loud crash as Dean’s body hit the floor, and the loud grunt of pain when the hunter’s body was slammed into the wall. Cas did not come back to himself until Dean’s voice somehow broke through his panic. By then, Dean was a few feet off the floor, pinned to the wall by Cas’ forearm. The angel collapsed as soon as he realized what he was doing and who he was doing it to. The whole sordid story had spilled from Cas’ lips as Dean begged him to explain what happened. Cas told him that for weeks he used his grace to quell his reactions, hiding the flinches and the panic attacks, when he was touched anywhere near his ass or balls. The progress they had made in that area and their trust in each other was shaken that day. Cas pulled himself out of the painful memory. “Dean, I will never hide from you. I lay myself bare to you, now and forever.”

Dean sighed heavily, and the crease in his forehead faded away. His lips quirked up. It wasn’t a smile in the truest sense of the word, but it was enough for Cas to know Dean believed him. “Same goes for me,” Dean said with conviction. “How are you feeling?”

“Free.” Cas smiled brightly. “Happy.”

 

Those two words carried Cas and Dean through the next two months. They were wrapped up in each other and tuned out the rest of the world. Cas grew more comfortable with himself and with his desires, and Dean was a willing partner in every sense of the word.  They found comfort in each other's arms, but also overwhelming passion. Their relationship was moving forward in every way.  With the progress, they began to discuss going home.  When they learned the situation at home was stable, those talks became more pointed. They talked often of missing their family and friends. The few visitors they had over those months just wasn’t enough anymore. After nine months on the island, it was time to go home. It was not easy to say goodbye to the place that had given them so much. The place that had helped Cas heal. The place that helped a hunter become the man he always wanted to be. There were so many goodbyes to make. Cas struggled when it came time to tell his many students. They were both terrified when it was time to tell Meg. Marta stood at the demon’s side, stoic as ever. Tears filled Dean’s eyes when he hugged Marta. He would miss the woman more than he had ever imagined. Her motherly advice had become an integral part of his life.  Meg and Cas were still hugging when Dean turned away from Marta.  Cas was whispering something in her ear.  Whatever it was had Meg wiping away tears.  When they stepped back from each other, Meg immediately walked out of the room.  Cas looked a bit shell-shocked himself.  Dean stepped into the angel's space, wrapping his arms around his waist.  Cas leaned his head on Dean's chest, and whispered, "Thank you."

On their final day, Cas shoved his hands into the sand and sent his grace into the island. He visited each and every person on the island, promising he would visit often. Dean stood back and watched his angel, pride shining in his eyes. The cries of Papa followed them across the beach. Dean looked at Cas and saw a hint of fear in his eyes.  Despite their progress, they were both apprehensive about leaving the safety and security of the island.  A place where they were free and in love.  Yet now they were leaving that place.  As they approached their home for the final time, Dean whispered love and assurances to Cas, and the angel whispered them back.  Stepping up to the house, they found Gabriel waiting for them.  They each took one last look at the beauty around them before the island disappeared.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road to recovery from rape takes many twists and turns. Cas trying to hide his reactions to sexual contact was a recipe for disaster. In the short term it might make the person's partner feel better, but in the end it doesn't solve anything because the survivor will not heal. Open, honest communication is the path forward. It is one of the main tenets of this story.


	68. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After over 164,000 words and 68 chapters, we have come to the end. I want to thank all of you who have commented and given kudos. I appreciated the feedback and the encouragement. Thanks for sticking with me on my first chapter by chapter fic.

Seeing him standing at the front of a lecture hall never got old for Dean.  As he walked down the stairs toward Cas, he couldn’t help noticing the students lingering, eyes only on their professor.  Dean rolled his eyes as he approached.  As always Castiel was oblivious to the stares and only had eyes for Dean.  Once Dean stood in his personal space, Cas took his hand.  With a slight shift of the angel’s head, the students quickly exited the room without so much as a backward glance.  Dean chuckled as he shook his head.  “Man, I will never get tired of being in a relationship with an angel.  What’d you do to get them to leave?”

Cas shrugged.  “Nothing much.”

“I’m sure, but since it gave me what I want I’ll let it slide.”

“And what is it you want, my love?”

Glancing around the room, Dean eyed the open door and then flicked his gaze back to Cas.  “It’s been a while since you bent me over one of these desks.”

As he waved his hand to shut the door, Cas chuckled darkly.  “I bent you over not three hours ago in the privacy of our bedroom.”

Dean’s mind shifted back to that morning.  The power of Cas’ hands on his body, the hard line of his cock buried deep inside and the explosive orgasms they shared.  He felt himself grow hard in his pants.  Straining against the tough denim and the cold metal of the zipper.  He reached down to readjust himself, but Castiel gripped his wrist.  He practically whined when he said, “Cas.”

“You started this Dean, but you know I will be the one to finish it.”  The authority in Cas’ voice only increased Dean’s arousal.  It was a kink they both readily embraced.  Cas’ need to be in control and Dean’s need to relinquish it.  With those words said in that tone, Dean relaxed.  He knew Cas would take care of him now.  Would give him what he needed?  The possessive hand on his hip and the dark look in the angel’s eyes confirmed it. 

An hour later, fully sated, Dean was walking out the door.  “What time will you be home tonight?”

“Around six.”

“Dinner will be on the table.  Love you.”

“I love you, too, Dean.”

 

Cas walked into the kitchen that night to the sight of organized chaos.  Dean was in the middle of it with a beautiful grin on his face.  Crossing the room quickly, Cas pulled Dean into his arms, hooking his chin over the other man’s shoulder.  Dean leaned back as he turned his face.  He captured Castiel’s lips in a hard, needy kiss. 

The whines and complaints from the peanut gallery behind them halted their brief make-out session.  “Enough out of you.  If I want to kiss my husband, in our kitchen I might add, then I damn well will do it,” snapped Dean. 

“We heard enough of your ‘kissing’ this morning.  You two aren’t exactly quiet.” 

Castiel laughed heartily.  “Stacy has a point Dean.  You do tend to get loud during our lovemaking.”

“Ew.  Gross.  Call us when dinner’s ready.  At least then Dean is too focused on eating to be climbing all over you.”  Stacy shook her head as she exited the room.  The others followed her out. 

“Alone at last,” whispered Dean as he turned to face Cas.  They kissed languidly until Dean nudged Cas’ hip.  “Not that I want to stop, but I do need to finish dinner.  I will never hear the end of it if I burn it again because you are so damn distracting.”

Twenty minutes later found them all seated at the large dining table.  Lasagna, spinach salad, and fresh baked bread filled the center of the table.  The conversation began with discussions of everyone’s day.  Talk of school and homework.  It was something Cas insisted on with Dean’s full support.  Regular life came before the supernatural. 

The kids teased Dean about successfully not burning dinner, and he teased back by kissing Castiel hard on the mouth.  Tom leaned over to Stacy and said in a very loud whisper, “Maybe we should go live with Sam so we aren’t subjected to all that.”  He waved his hand at Dean and Cas.

“I don’t think you’ll find much difference over there.  I mean have you seen Pamela.”  Cas whacked Dean on the arm.  “What?  It’s not like you don’t think the same thing,” smirked Dean.

Kelly rolled her eyes as she scoffed.  “She’s dating your brother.  And I’m sure Sam knows that too. Up close and personal, Dean.”  Everyone laughed at the look of sheer horror on Dean’s face.  “Even though the moron over here said it all wrong, he is right.  Sam and Pamela deserve some time alone, so we’re stuck with these two old farts.”

“I guess it isn’t so bad,” conceded Tom.

“Yeah, Dean is a good cook and keeps a clean house.”

Dean glared at Stacy.  “I am not the house husband.”

“I beg to differ,” said Cas with a cheeky smile.  His expression morphed into one of reverence as he whispered, “You are the best husband, house or otherwise, that I could ask for.”

“Shut up, you sap,” muttered Dean, blushing and smiling through the words.

 

With the kitchen all cleaned up, homework done, and the kids put to bed, Cas and Dean sat on the couch in front of the fire with the TV quietly playing in the background.  “How did we get here, Cas?  A house full of teenagers.  I mean it’s nuts.”

“Not really.  There was a need and we filled it.  Like we always do.”  Cas took Dean’s hand, caressing it as he continued.  “We may not be perfect at it, but we were better than the alternative.  Without us, they would be out there on their own.  And you know that at least Stacy and Tom would be trying to hunt.”

The sound of feet hitting the floor behind them made them both snap their heads around.  “Cas is right.  And I’m not sure Kelly wouldn’t join them.  I had Jody, and although I became a hunter in the end, without her I would have started too young and been unprepared.  Now it’s your turn to provide that for these kids,” said Claire sincerely as she took a seat in the rocking recliner.  It was a new addition to the house and was purchased expressly for Claire. 

“She go down all right,” inquired Dean.

Sighing Claire said, “Better than the last two nights.  Maybe we’ll get lucky.”  She stopped rocking and leaned forward.  “I know this isn’t ideal, but I just want to thank you again for letting us stay.”

“Claire, you are our family.  Our door is and will always be open to you.  Dean and I love you.”

“I know, but you already have a full house.”

Dean shifted down the couch until he could reach out and take her hand.  “This is a big house and with the addition we built there is plenty of room.  Besides, Jody needed to take some time for herself after the fire.  Losing the house and all her photos.  I understand why she needed to go.  And the island is the perfect place to recover.”  Dean looked over his shoulder at Cas and smiled shyly.  The angel nodded as he returned the smile. 

Letting go of Dean’s hand, Claire smiled.  “Yeah, I’m glad she decided to go, and it was nice of Charlie to go with her.”

“Of course Charlie had her own reasons for going,” mused Cas.  “One very important reason with long dark hair and a sharp attitude.”

Dean pressed himself up against Cas as the angel slid his arm around Dean’s shoulders.  “Hmpf…that is an understatement.  I think you were more accurate when you called Meg thorny.”

“You’re kidding, right?  There is no way.”  Claire stopped her protestations and no one spoke for several seconds.  “Now that I think about it, Charlie seems like the best person to go toe to toe with Meg.”

“It is a sight to behold.”  Cas smiled at the memory of the two women together.

“Kinda similar to the two of you.”

“We are nothing like them.  Cas and I have a mature, stable love.”

Scoffing Cas said, “With a side of volatility and scorching passion.” 

Dean blushed as he consented.  “Yeah, I guess there is that.”  A cry interrupted any further discussion.  Claire went to stand, but Dean stopped her.  “Just give her a second and see if she settles.”  When the crying grew louder, Dean stood up.  “I’ll get her.”

They could hear Dean talking in a soothing voice, and the crying stopped.  Castiel turned to Claire.  “How are you doing with all this?”

She shrugged but didn't offer one of her usual flippant answers.  “Better now that I have all of you.  It was scary when I first found out.  I knew what I wanted right away, but I had no idea what he would want.  Although I wasn’t really surprised by his choice.”

The sound of Dean scurrying around the kitchen drew Claire’s attention.  Her eyes lit up when she heard the singing start.  “He’s really good at this.”

Cas smiled proudly.  “He had a lot of practice.  He raised Sam basically all on his own.  And Sam is one of the finest men I know.”

The mirthless chuckle behind Cas startled him.  “You give me too much credit, Cas.  Sam’s his own man.”

“Don’t down play what you did, Dean.  You helped shape Sam into the man he is.  You clothed him and fed him.  You are the reason he was able to finish high school and go to college.”  Cas held out his arms as he finished his speech.  “Now why don’t you give me that precious bundle.”  Dean lowered the baby into Cas’ arms and then took a seat beside his husband.

Feeling eyes on him, Dean looked up to see Claire smiling at them with gratitude.  Trying to brush off the earlier topic, he said, “I think maybe she is missing her grandma and her old crib.  That’s probably why she’s been fussy.”  He turned his head back toward Cas and placed a soft kiss on the baby’s head.

“I don’t know about that.  Kali has been a bit fussy since day one.  Maybe naming her after a goddess was a bad idea.”

Both men laughed.  “My brother can be very persuasive when he wants to be.  Although I do agree with him, she does look a lot like her namesake.”

“She looks like Bryan, but since he isn’t in the picture...”  A sad look swept across her face and was quickly replaced with determination.  “I don’t blame him.”  Cas stared at her with raised eyebrows.  “Well maybe a little, but he wasn’t cut out for this life.  He would rather bury his head in the sand than deal with the supernatural.  Besides it’s not like she is going to be missing out on father figures.  What with you two doting grandpas and her great uncle Sam.”

Staring down at the dark-haired baby in his arms, Cas said, “Have you thought any more about going for a visit?”

“She won’t want to see me, Cas.  Come on.  I basically told her I couldn’t be with her because I couldn’t have the whole apple pie family life she would want.  And now I’m supposed to show up and throw Kali in her face.”

Cas lifted his head slowly.  He shook it once before he said, “I think you’re wrong.  Dani would love to see you and to meet your daughter.”

Leaning back, Claire sighed, “We’ve barely spoken and I haven’t seen her in four years.  Why exactly would she want to see me?”

“Because no matter what you are her friend,” said Cas. 

“Is she asleep?” asked Claire effectively closing the subject.  Cas nodded so Claire stood up and crossed the room.  She gently lifted Kali into her arms.  “I’m going to put her down and then I’m off to bed.  You two enjoy the rest of your anniversary.”

Cas and Dean both looked at Claire with the same confused expression.  “Wow, men really don’t pay attention to this shit.”

Dean sat up and pointed an accusatory finger at Claire.  “Hey, now.  I always treat Cas right on special occasions, but today is not our anniversary.”

She looked between the two men and said, “Neither of you know what I’m talking about.”  When she didn’t get a response, Claire said, “Today is the fifth anniversary of the day we rescued Cas.”

“Well shit.  I guess with all the changes around here I completely forgot.”  Dean turned to face Cas.  Their eyes locked together like so many times before.  Claire stepped away without a word as Cas reached out for Dean.  The hunter sighed into the kiss.  He mumbled, “Five years, Sunshine.”  Cas smiled into the next kiss before standing.  He lifted Dean off the couch and carried him to their bedroom.  “What do you want to do to celebrate?” Dean asked as he rested his head on the angel’s shoulder.

“You know what I always want on these special days.”  Cas kissed the top of Dean’s head before lowering him to the bed. 

Dean took the angel’s hand and kissed each knuckle.  “Undress for me, Angel, so I can make love to you.”  Cas stepped back and slowly undressed for his husband.  Dean watched, enraptured by the beauty of the man in front of him.  Once Cas was devoid of clothes, Dean stood.  He turned back the covers and escorted Cas to the bed.  He pulled out the lube from the bedside table before removing his own clothes.  He stroked his erection as he stared down at Castiel who was doing the same to his own hard length.  Dean crawled onto the bed, sliding between Cas’ spread legs.  It had taken almost two years after the rape for Cas to be ready to bottom.  And the sex that first time was slow and gentle.  Dean wrapped Cas in his arms and held him in his lap as they both cried through their orgasms.  Ever since, on the few occasions they switched, the hunter made love to his angel.  It was always emotional and overwhelming.  It was the time they both opened the bond fully and let every ounce of their love and devotion shine through.  As Dean lowered himself and their groins connected, he opened himself to Cas and the angel responded in kind.  They kissed and touched until their bodies were begging for release. 

Once he sensed their shared need, Dean slid down his angel’s body.  He rubbed Cas’ thighs as he licked and sucked the tender skin.  He used his mouth and his fingers to open Cas up.  He catalogued every sound and movement the angel made, and when he heard and felt him give himself completely to Dean, he removed his fingers and lined himself up.  He entered Cas in one long push.  Cas lifted his hips welcoming Dean fully into his body.  They rocked slowly together, and kept that rhythm until Cas said, “Now, my love.”  Only then did Dean shift his body so he could thrust more forcefully into Cas.  Untouched Cas came first, followed almost immediately by Dean.  “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, too.”  Dean kissed Cas lightly.  “It never gets old.”

Cas chuckled as he returned the kiss.  “No, it most certainly doesn’t.” 

After cleaning them up, Dean crawled back into bed.  “Did you set the alarm?  I have to leave earlier than planned.  Krissy has run into a few problems.”  Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair as he waited for him to explain.  Dean let himself enjoy the touch before he continued, “They found another building and it had two more kids in it.  These ones are younger.  Maybe five or six.  Sam’s already working on searching for relatives, but I don’t want to wait.  They shouldn’t be stuck in a motel when they can come here.”

Cas lifted Dean’s chin off his chest.  “You are an amazing man, Dean Winchester.”

As always, the hunter blushed at the praise, but he had learned over the years to no longer brush it off. “Thanks, but I wouldn’t be able to do any of it without your support.  Now I need my sleep so quit buttering me up.”

Cas rolled Dean on his side and slid in behind him.  “Sleep well, my love.”  They fell asleep as they most often did, with the angel trailing kisses on Dean’s neck, and the hunter clutching Cas’ hand to his chest.  It was comfort and safety.  It was love and devotion.  It was their way of being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed Cas and Dean's long journey. And what a long journey it was, and now I am starting another one. Two new stories are underway. One will be chapter by chapter so stay tuned.


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